Why Don't You and I?
by JacksAreWild
Summary: The public persona of Commander Shepard is a myth: unbreakable, undeniable, unstoppable. In truth, she's a human being who needs someone, just as much as the galaxy needs her. Jeff "Joker" Moreau has confidence in his flying skills, and little else. Can these two emotionally-impaired soldiers find happiness with one another? *Cover art used with permission of blackdragon21*
1. Don't Fall Away

_"Don't fall away, and leave me to myself_

_Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding_

_In my hands, in my hands again"_

**Hemorrhage (In My Hands) - Fuel**

* * *

><p>There was a drunken woman trying to tear Joker's clothes off. Under most circumstances, this would have been a perfectly welcome turn of events. The only problem was, the woman was Shepard, and that complicated things just a smidgen. He wasn't exactly sure how or when it had happened, but Joker was pretty sure that he'd fallen in love with the commander. It was an idea that filled him with hope, as well as dread. He wasn't sure that taking advantage of her (or, rather, letting her take advantage of him) while she was in this condition was going to move their relationship in the desired direction. But if she kept doing that thing she was doing with her tongue, he wasn't going to be able to resist for much longer.<p>

As for the answer to the how and the when of the falling in love, he supposed it was nothing so dramatic as a single moment. Rather, it had been years of living in close quarters and surviving (or, in some cases, not surviving) life-threatening moments that had brought them to this place in time.

* * *

><p>Joker always lusted after her…but then again, so had quite a few of the other soldiers on the ship. She was beautiful and dangerous, a lethal combination. Of course, those were the same qualities that had kept most of the crew from doing anything more than merely fantasizing about her...that, and the strict regulations against fraternization. He'd made a bit of a fool out of himself in the beginning, going on the defensive about his Vrolik's. But she hadn't made a big deal of it, and he'd appreciated that.<p>

The first time he'd really pulled her ass out of the fire had been on Therum. They'd gone to recruit an asari scientist who was there studying some Prothean ruins. The dig site had started to collapse on top of Shepard and her team while they were below ground.

Her voice had been urgent, but controlled, over the comm. "Joker! Get the Normandy airborne and lock in on my signal. On the double, mister!"

"Aye, aye, Commander. ETA eight minutes."

"He needs to do better than that!" demanded a female voice he hadn't recognized.

"He'll be here," Shepard had replied with complete confidence before the line had gone dead.

Later, he'd been irate. He'd told himself it was because she'd endangered his ship; his baby.

"Too close, Commander," he'd admonished once the ground team had returned to the ship, his impudence blatant over the internal intercom. "Ten more seconds and we would have been swimming in molten sulphur. The Normandy isn't equipped to land in exploding volcanoes - just for future reference."

He'd been out of line. Shepard should've reprimanded him. Anyone else, she would've.

"We almost died out there and your pilot is making jokes?" The same female voice from before…the asari, Liara.

"He saved our asses. He's earned the right to make a few bad jokes," he'd heard Shepard explain.

He'd broken the connection, irritated at her for understanding his anger better than he had.

* * *

><p>So, yes, he'd earned her trust as a pilot. And he'd enjoyed ogling her whenever he'd been sure she wasn't looking. That would've been the basis for a perfectly fine working relationship, but as it had turned out, Shepard liked to joke around with the crew. And she could take abuse as well as dish it out. Joker had a very hard time resisting a woman with a self-deprecating sense of humor.<p>

She'd been standing in the cockpit one day when Garrus had approached Joker.

"You're the one who takes requisition orders, correct, Lieutenant?"

"Sure," he'd replied. "What do you need?"

"I need some parts for the Mako."

"In that case, I better make a list."

"Oh, crap," Shepard had said in resignation, obviously anticipating what was coming.

"I need tires…three or four should do. Actually, why don't you order an entire set? I'm sure we'll use them."

"I'm sure you will," Joker had replied, gleefully. "Anything else?"

"The grille is pretty dinged up. One of the struts is bent. And the machine gun turret overheated the last time the commander used it. I could use some scrap metal for repairs."

"You sure you don't just want me to order a new vehicle?"

"Shut up," Shepard had ordered him.

"Oh, no," Garrus had responded, oblivious to the subtext of their conversation. "I can easily repair this one."

"If you say so."

"Thank you, Lieutenant." Garrus had left, and Joker had observed the commander's scowling visage with delight.

"It's not my fault! That stupid vehicle is impossible to drive."

"Mm hmm."

"I hate you," she'd said.

"Sticks and stones, Commander. Sticks and stones..."

* * *

><p>Alenko had been the first to work up the courage to put the moves on Shepard. The rest of the crew had watched in morbid fascination, much like they would've observed an impending shipwreck. Shepard had been kind, but aloof, and it had given Joker no small amount of satisfaction to see the pretty boy get shot down. That was, until he'd realized that Kaidan wasn't going to just give up and go away. The lieutenant had persisted, respectfully but doggedly, and Joker had taken to spying on them whenever he could (although he'd denied it vehemently when the commander had questioned him about it.) Shepard's resolve had seemed to be holding fast, but he'd figured a few well-timed interruptions couldn't do any harm.<p>

They'd been taking a quick two-day shore leave at the Citadel when Shepard, Kaidan and Ashley had appeared in the cockpit. They'd been dressed in civvies, all dolled up for an evening out. The three of them had looked like they'd just come from a damn photo shoot.

"Come with us," Shepard had urged. "It'll be fun."

"I don't dance. Snapping shinbones, remember?"

"You don't have to dance. Have a beer. Relax. Get away from the ship for a while." He'd known that she'd wanted him to run interference. She'd been trying to push Kaidan toward Ashley, with little to no success that Joker had been able to see.

"One of the C-Sec guards said this new place is pretty crazy. You should come check it out," Ashley had added.

"I don't think so. Thanks anyways," he'd told them.

"Well," Kaidan had said with a grin. "I guess I get to escort two beautiful women tonight."

But he'd only had eyes for Shepard. As they'd left, Joker had seen the lieutenant's hand appear at the small of the commander's back, and the gesture had been so…intimate, somehow, that he'd been struck by a sense of foreboding so strong it'd been like a physical blow. But before he'd been able to figure out why, or what to do about it, they were gone.

When he'd checked the logs the next morning (not being nosy, just doing his job) he'd seen that although Ashley had logged in at 0230, Shepard and Kaidan had not yet returned to the ship.

* * *

><p>He'd quit spying after that. He'd been afraid of what he might overhear. To be fair, neither of them had acted any differently after that night. There'd been no secret glances or touches that Joker had observed. In fact, things had been so status quo that he'd begun to wonder if perhaps his assumptions had been wrong. Then there'd been the run-in with Saren on Virmire, and Kaidan's life had been sacrificed for the good of the mission.<p>

He'd spent quite a lot of time trying to puzzle that one out. Had she left Kaidan behind because she didn't love him? Or had she left him because she had? And if she'd loved him, had she done it because she didn't want to be seen as playing favorites, or was she one of those Black Widow women who mated and then disposed of their partners?

Or, had she just been a woman faced with an impossible decision who'd done the best that she could?

In the end, they'd all mourned the loss of their teammate, and although Shepard had seemed truly grief-stricken, she hadn't behaved like a woman who'd just lost her soulmate. Besides, Joker never went on missions, so if she was the Black Widow-type, she couldn't just leave him on some forsaken planet somewhere. Assuming they ever got to the mating part, of course.

The first indication he'd had that maybe – just maybe – she felt something for him, as well, had been after the battle with Saren at the Citadel.

He'd lost contact with the team when they'd gone through the Conduit to the Citadel. He'd taken the Normandy to the Andura sector and had been waiting by the mass relay for the call, but it had been taking an impossibly long time. Adrenaline had slowed things down; made the waiting seem interminable. And yet, he'd been startled when the comm channel had finally opened.

"Please tell me that's you, Commander."

"I'm here, Joker," she'd replied, and he'd thought he'd never been so happy to hear her voice.

"I'm sitting here with the entire Arcturus fleet. Unlock the relays around the Citadel and we'll send in the cavalry!"

"Wait until the Citadel arms open up, Joker. We need all of our ships focusing on Sovereign."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

When they'd finally gone through the relay, he'd led the charge. The fleet had taken heavy damage, but he'd been the best pilot, in the best ship. Watching Sovereign dissolve under their attack had been one of the most satisfying moments of his career.

Afterwards, he hadn't been able to raise Shepard on the comm, despite repeated attempts. The Citadel had been badly damaged, but he'd managed to dock the ship at one of the remaining bays. Shepard's team had been in the Presidium fighting Saren, but there'd been no way Joker could've made it all that way with the rapid transit system offline. If they'd survived (and his brain had recoiled from that word, "if") he'd figured they'd eventually end up at the med clinic in the Wards. He'd rounded up Dr. Chakwas and they'd hurried off.

The clinic had been chaotic, to say the least. There'd been injured creatures of all races on the tables; the chairs; the floor. Chakwas had hurried to offer her assistance to the medical staff as he'd searched desperately for the MIA Normandy crewmembers. He hadn't seen them anywhere and he'd been starting to get a bit frantic when the clinic door had opened to reveal Garrus, supporting Shepard. She'd had one arm flung over the turian's neck while the other one hung at an odd angle. Blood had trickled from a gash on her forehead. But when she'd spotted Joker, a huge grin had split her face.

"Joker, you beautiful, beautiful man. You did it!" She'd disengaged from Garrus, walked right up to him, and kissed him. On the lips. He'd been so startled, he'd barely been able to respond before it was over.

"Nice flying," she'd said as she'd pulled away. She'd tipped the brim of his cap playfully, and he'd grinned back, proudly.

"Okay, Commander. I think you might be delirious," Garrus had said, teasingly. "You should have the doc look at that arm."

That had brought Joker back to reality. "Yeah, what happened to you?" he'd asked as he'd helped Garrus settle her carefully into one of the chairs.

"An errant piece of scaffolding. Nothing to worry about," she'd replied, still smiling as she'd clutched Joker's arm. "You did it," she'd said again, softly.

"We did it," he'd told her, and they'd sat there, beaming at each other, bruised but triumphant.

After that day, he hadn't mentioned the kiss again, and neither had she. Things had gone back to normal - until a short time later, when the ship had blown apart.

* * *

><p>"Dammit, Joker…let go!" Shepard had demanded as she'd jammed his helmet onto his head.<p>

"My ship," he'd moaned as she'd yanked him out of his seat. He'd flung one arm around her neck for support as they'd hurried to escape the disintegrating cockpit.

The vessel had been rocked by another blast and she'd lurched on her feet, trying to shield them both from the burst of flames. As they'd made their way across the bridge toward the escape pods, she'd huffed, "You really need…to think…about a diet."

"Very funny, Commander."

They'd reached the pod and she'd tossed him in. "Ow!" He'd protested the rough handling as another explosion shook the spacecraft, knocking her back and away from the pod.

"Commander!"

"Buckle up, Joker!"

"Shepard! Hurry!"

But it had already been too late. Another concussion had taken her feet out from under her, and she'd had to grab onto the torn hull to keep from being thrown clear. She'd stretched out her other arm, reaching for the eject button, and Joker had recognized her intention.

"Shepard, no! You can make it! Hold on!" he'd pleaded. He'd heard the desperation in his voice, but hadn't cared. Regret had washed over him for all the time he'd wasted; the opportunity that was now almost gone for good.

She'd hit the button and the pod had slammed closed as the boosters had thrust it away from the Normandy. He'd watched helplessly as the ship had given a final convulsion, jarring her loose, and she'd fallen into open space.


	2. Bring Me to Life

_"All this time I can't believe I couldn't see_

_Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me_

_I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems_

_Got to open my eyes to everything"_

**Bring Me To Life - Evanescence**

* * *

><p>The time right after Shepard had died had been one of the worst of Joker's life. The Alliance had disbanded their team. The commander had been the glue that had held them together, and without her, they'd scattered throughout the galaxy. Worse, the Council had downplayed the Reaper threat, both the one they'd defeated and the one that had still remained. Joker himself had been grounded; denied the only thing that might have helped him to work through the loss. He'd returned to his family on Arcturus, not knowing where else to go or what else to do.<p>

He'd been consumed with rage, grief, and guilt. He hadn't been able to eat or sleep. His father had wanted to help, but hadn't known how. He'd given him the pep talk – _Hang in there, things will get better, they always do_ - but Joker hadn't bought it. His mother, on the other hand, had that special intuition born from having a child who'd needed a little extra assistance in life. She was especially attuned to her son, and seemed to understand that he'd lost more than a commanding officer, or even a friend. She'd encouraged him to talk to her about Shepard and the rest of the crew. But he'd known what she was trying to do, and he'd resisted. He hadn't been ready to go on with his life; hadn't wanted to heal.

Then Cerberus had found him. They'd told him that they could put him back to work, piloting a new Normandy. He'd refused. Then they'd told him that Shepard was still alive. He hadn't believed them – had been enraged at the suggestion, in fact. He'd seen her die. He hadn't understood what they'd hoped to achieve with such an outrageous lie. Then the Cerberus lackey had handed Joker her dog tags. They'd been burnt and warped, but they'd been clearly legible. The agent had informed him that although Shepard was alive now, that could change at any moment. There were no guarantees. But he could fly for them and help with the design of the new ship, and if Shepard survived, they'd be reunited. If she didn't, he was free to leave at any time. He'd pondered it briefly, accepted, and pocketed the dog tags. He'd decided he'd give them to her when he saw her next.

Months had gone by. He'd been given updates on Shepard's condition when he'd asked for them, but his requests to see her had always been denied. She was unconscious, but alive. She couldn't have visitors. In the meantime, he'd assisted with the recreation of the Normandy. It was a masterpiece – even better than the original. No expense had been spared. He'd taken it on test flights with a skeleton crew, but refused Cerberus' suggestion that they find an interim commander. The Normandy had one commander, and she was the only one with whom he'd fly. If she didn't make it, well, then Cerberus could find a new pilot as well as a new commander. Simple as that.

Then one day, out of the blue, he'd gotten the call. Shepard was there. She was awake. He could see her. He'd been giddy with anticipation; had to wipe his sweating palms on his pants before entering the room. He'd been worried that she'd blame him for her near-demise, but she'd seemed almost as happy to see him as he'd been to see her. It had been a surreal moment. He'd seen her die, yet she'd been standing in front of him. A few more scars, maybe, but the same old Shepard. There'd been so many things that he'd wanted to say, but not in front of the Cerberus drones. He'd decided that it could wait.

"Just like old times, huh?" he'd asked as he'd escorted her for her first look at the new Normandy.

"I can't believe it's you, Joker. How'd you get mixed up with these guys?"

"It all fell apart without you, Shepard. Everything you stirred up, the Council wanted swept under the rug. The team was broken up, and I was grounded. Cerberus offered to rebuild the ship; let me fly again."

"Do you trust them?"

"Hell, no. I don't trust anybody; you know that. But they saved your life. They can't be all bad." He'd been grinning like a fool, but hadn't been able to stop. The expression felt foreign on his face after all this time. "And check this out."

They'd reached the docking bay, and he'd flipped on the lights. Her jaw had dropped at the sight of the Normandy replica gleaming before her eyes.

"Wow!"

"Amazing, huh? It's even better than the old one. Wait until you see the inside."

They'd stood side-by-side at the railing, gazing at the ship, and for the first time in two years, everything had felt right. He'd vowed that if he somehow got a second chance, he wouldn't waste it. He would tell her how he felt. But when the moment had come, his voice had deserted him. All he'd been able to say was, "It's good to be home, huh, Commander?"

She'd leaned into him slightly, giving him a soft nudge. "It sure is, Joker. It sure is."

* * *

><p>And just like that, things had gone back to the way they'd been before – almost as if the past two years hadn't even happened. Shepard hadn't trusted Jacob or Miranda because of their affiliation with Cerberus. She'd been hoping to reunite some of the old crew, but the Illusive Man had harbored other ideas. He'd provided her with dossiers on some potential recruits, and she'd reluctantly sought them out. She'd recruited the salarian doctor, Solus; and had been thrilled when the other Omega recruit, Archangel, had turned out to be her old pal Garrus. Joker had been slightly less enthusiastic, since he'd always found the turian to be aloof and rather intimidating. But he'd known that Shepard trusted Garrus implicitly, so that was good enough for him. They'd picked up the psychotic biotic, Jack; and the test tube krogan, Grunt (where did Cerberus find these people?) and they'd started to look like a team again. Sort of.<p>

But then, the Illusive Man had requested (in that way he had that was not really a request, but rather, a demand) that Shepard attend a Cerberus fund-raising event. She'd tried to refuse, but he'd insisted. Rebuilding the commander and the Normandy had been expensive, and their coffers needed to be replenished if they were to fight the Collectors. Shepard's resurrection had been a sensational accomplishment. She was the most famous human in the universe. Investors who met her would be begging Cerberus to take their money…yada yada yada. Joker had known as well as Shepard had that it was all bullshit, but she'd finally capitulated. Joker suspected that it had been some combination of guilt and responsibility that had finally done her in. The Illusive Man could be very persuasive when he wanted to be.

And that was how she'd ended up standing in the cockpit earlier this evening in an outfit that had, quite literally, taken his breath away.

"How do I look?" she'd asked. She'd been wearing a black cocktail dress with a halter top that had tied behind her neck. The skirt had fallen to just above her knees and had flared softly around her legs. Her hair had been pulled up into a knot, with several tendrils falling loose around her face. She'd worn black high-heeled shoes and had clutched a small sequined bag.

"Well?" she'd asked when he'd merely stared stupidly for too many moments.

"You look beautiful."

He'd thought she'd actually blushed then, but she'd sounded skeptical when she'd replied, "I feel ridiculous. And I can't walk in these stupid shoes."

"You'll be fine."

"I hate these kinds of functions. I always feel so out of place. You sure you don't want to go with me?" she'd asked in a tone that had implied she'd already known what the answer was going to be.

But Joker's mind had flashed back to that night years ago, when she'd stood before him, looking similarly stunning, and he'd let her walk out the door. And all at once, he'd decided that he wasn't going to let that happen again.

"Sure, I'll go with you."

She'd gaped at him in disbelief. "You will?"

"Yeah. I need some time to get ready, though."

"Okay. Sure. I'm the guest of honor. The party can't start without me, anyway."

"Okay. I'll be right back."

"Joker," she'd called as he'd started across the bridge. He'd paused and turned around.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

He'd nodded and smiled as he'd resumed his trek through the ship to the crew's quarters.

* * *

><p>He'd reappeared twenty minutes later. A half-smile had split Shepard's face when she'd spotted him.<p>

"Really, Joker?"

He'd been wearing his Alliance dress uniform. He'd owned a suit, but it'd burned up on the original Normandy. He'd only ever worn it twice, that he'd been able to recall, so he hadn't bothered to replace it.

"Hey, it's all I have. _Someone_ didn't invite me until the last minute, so I wasn't able to plan ahead. Besides, as long as I'm standing next to you, no one's going to be looking at me."

That slight blush again. What did you know – put the commander in a dress and she got all girly! He wouldn't have guessed that.

"Lose the hat, at least," she'd advised, snatching it from his head and tossing it onto the pilot's seat.

"Hey! I need that. I have hat head."

"It's not so bad," she'd replied, running her fingers through his short hair to ruffle it. His objection to the theft of his hat had died on his lips.

She'd studied her work. "I think you're presentable."

"Easy with the flattery, Commander."

"Sorry. You look very handsome. Now, let's go and get this over with."

"It won't be as bad as you think," he'd assured her, and he'd been right.

It had been much worse than either of them could have imagined.

* * *

><p>It'd started out like any other fundraiser – dull and boring, but nothing out of the ordinary. There'd been a cocktail hour during which those who'd wished to see and be seen had mingled amongst the trays of free booze and appetizers. Miranda had been there, but Jacob had been conspicuously absent…and the Illusive Man even more so.<p>

"If he talked me into attending this thing, and then he doesn't even bother to make an appearance…" Shepard had ground out through clenched teeth while snagging another drink from a passing server. She hadn't bothered to finish the thought.

Eventually, they'd been escorted to a table near the front of the room. There'd been several long moments of panic and confusion as the event staff had realized that Shepard was now plus one unplanned guest. She'd stood next to Joker without a word of explanation or apology while they'd scrambled around and ultimately decided to relocate a less important guest to another table. They'd finally taken their seats just as the first course had been served.

The food had been good; the portions small. Even so, Shepard had just picked at her meal; foregoing food in exchange for the beverages she'd had the waiter bringing her on a regular schedule. They'd spoken briefly with the other guests at their table – a married couple, where the husband was the CEO of an aeronautics company on earth; and an older gentleman, with a busty blond half his age on his arm, who was funding a new human colony on the edge of the Traverse. Joker had admired the man more for snagging the blond than for any of his professional accomplishments, although he'd supposed that one had led to the other. Too bad he wasn't ever going to get rich piloting Shepard around the galaxy. For her part, the commander had struggled to be civil, but he'd observed that her patience had been dwindling in direct correlation to her alcohol consumption.

They'd just begun to serve coffee and dessert when the lights in the room had dimmed. The Illusive Man had appeared in a hologram on the stage.

"Son of a bitch," Shepard had muttered. "The bastard didn't even show up for his own party."

"Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests, thank you for being here with us tonight. I hope you enjoyed your meal."

"For 1000 credits per person, I would certainly hope so," Shepard had whispered.

"We here at Cerberus have a simple goal – to promote the advancement of human interests in politics, economics, research, and development of the intergalactic world. We may be newcomers to this arena, but we are worthy of being equal participants. And no one is a finer example of that than our own Commander Shepard."

A spotlight had shown on Shepard, and she'd given a curt, unsmiling nod.

"Commander Shepard was the first human Spectre, and she single-handedly stopped the Reaper invasion on the Citadel."

"Single-handedly?" Joker had questioned, eyebrows raised. Shepard had shrugged and shaken her head in disgust.

"Unfortunately, a short time later, Shepard and her crew were targeted by a ship sent by the Collectors, and the commander died in that attack. But thanks to Cerberus, her death was not permanent."

"Lucky me," she remarked, taking a healthy swig of her drink.

"We undertook the most ambitious project in our history – perhaps in all of history – to save this hero's life. A two year and four billion credit project in cutting edge bio-synthetic fusion."

Pictures had begun flashing across a screen at the front of the room. At first, Joker hadn't even been able to tell what they were. They'd been extreme close-up shots of unidentifiable objects – until the third or fourth one, which had clearly been a human arm. It had been crushed and bent in a way that indicated it wouldn't be of much use to its owner in its present condition. A woman at the next table over had gagged and run from the room with her hand over her mouth. Joker had simply gazed in wonderment. These were photos of Shepard before the reconstruction.

Shepard had seemed mesmerized. The Illusive Man had continued to verbally pat himself and his organization on the back while the images marched onward. The shots had been clinical – nothing particularly obscene or gory – but they certainly hadn't been appropriate for after-mealtime viewing. The presentation had been in poor taste, to be sure. But as the slide show had continued, Joker had begun to realize that it was more than that. That had been Shepard's shattered corpse. She'd _died_. He'd glanced at her, wondering what she must be feeling looking at those images. It had been obvious from her expression that she hadn't seen them before. He'd reached under the table, found her hand, and squeezed. That had broken her reverie, and she'd turned wide eyes his way.

"Okay?" he'd murmured.

She'd nodded, still looking dazed. He'd given her hand another small squeeze before releasing it.

Luckily, the pictorial trip down memory lane had been coming to a close.

"We transformed the broken body in those pictures into the person you see sitting before you today," the Illusive Man had continued. No spotlight this time, but all eyes had been on Shepard, nonetheless. She'd stared straight ahead, stone-faced. "One of the greatest heroes of modern humanity is alive today because of Cerberus. We need the support of people like you to continue this very important work. Please consider making a donation. Thank you in advance for your generosity, and enjoy the rest of your evening." The hologram had winked off, and he'd disappeared.

The lights in the room had come back up, and slowly the buzz of conversation had resumed. Shepard had blown out a huge sigh and squared her shoulders.

"Well," she'd said.

"Yep."

"That was fun."

"Like a blow job from a vorcha."

That had gotten a startled laugh. "I'll have to take your word on that."

"I take it you had no idea regarding the evening's entertainment."

"None whatsoever."

"Charming."

Shepard had shrugged. "Hardly the worst thing Cerberus has ever done. Just caught me off guard, is all."

"What now, Commander?" He'd used the title intentionally, trying to restore her sense of control. It had seemed to have the desired effect.

"I'm here, so I might as well fulfill my end of the bargain. Thirty minutes of meet and greet, and then we're out of here. But first, I need another drink." She'd stood, and he'd done the same.

"Sounds like a plan. After you," he'd said with a flourish.

* * *

><p>They hadn't made it the entire half hour. After viewing the presentation, all of the remaining guests had wanted to meet the once-dead human Spectre. Most had just wanted a few words or a handshake, and Shepard had obliged them - if not happily, then at least cordially. That had lasted until the first idiot had tried to put his hands on her.<p>

"You have a lot of scars," the portly gentleman had stated, swaying on his feet.

"Yeah, falling from space will really fuck you up. I don't recommend it."

"That's a really big one," their new friend had observed, pointing at Shepard's shoulder. He'd been standing perpendicular to her, leaning sideways against the bar while she'd stood with her back to it. He'd been too close, invading her personal space, and Joker had started to fear for the poor slob's safety.

"That's a tattoo," she'd replied, her sharp tone betraying her fading composure.

"I wouldn't mind seeing some of your other scars," the man had leered as he'd reached out and trailed a pudgy finger along the bare skin of her back. Joker had paused just a moment to thank the universe that Shepard's bag was far too small - and her dress far too tight - for her to be packing heat as he'd grabbed her clenched fist before it could meet her intended victim's face.

"Okay, we should be going now. Nice talking with you," he'd called over his shoulder while trying to muscle a resisting Shepard across the room.

"What the hell was that? Did you see that? That slug was coming on to me! He touched me! You should have let me punch him."

"You would have gotten blood all over your new shoes."

"I don't care. I hate these shoes. They're killing my feet."

"The slug was drunk. He didn't know how close to death he was. I took pity on him."

"Pity on him? You should have taken pity on me. Ugh!" She'd shivered in disgust.

"If I had to guess, I'd say you've about reached the limits of your ability to be nice to people for one night. Are you ready to go?"

"Yes. Definitely. Let's get the hell out of here."

They'd almost made it to the door when a young guy with slicked back hair had blocked their path. He'd had a smirk on his face, and Joker had groaned inwardly.

"Hey, Shepard! If these Cerberus guys totally rebuilt you, why didn't they give you a bigger rack?" Some of his cronies had been standing nearby, and they'd cackled at their friend's great wit.

Joker hadn't even bothered to interfere this time, and they'd both ended up with blood on their clothes from the comedian's broken nose. Sometimes you just couldn't save people from their own stupidity, no matter how hard you tried.

* * *

><p>Their trek through the space station and back to the ship had been a slow one. Shepard had ditched her shoes and walked barefoot, dangling the offending footwear from the ends of her fingers. Joker had noted with surprise and amusement that her toenails were painted bright blue. He wouldn't have thought she'd have the time or inclination for such things. She'd matched her pace to his measured, shuffling one without comment or complaint.<p>

"So, tell me about the tattoo."

"What about it?"

"What's the significance?"

"I got it right after I turned 18 and enlisted. I was excited about leaving earth and going into space for the first time. So, I thought the celestial theme was appropriate. Sun, moon, stars…you know."

"It's nice. Colorful. Do you have more?"

She'd turned mischievous eyes on him. "Yes."

His mind had immediately begun taking inventory of possible locations and designs. "Can I see them?"

"Maybe…if you're lucky."

They'd been approaching the Normandy. They'd entered through the airlock and EDI had logged them in. The ship had been quiet, with only a skeleton crew on duty, since it was late and they were docked. But instead of heading right to the elevator, Shepard had turned left to go over the bridge to the cockpit.

"What's up, Commander?" he'd asked, following her.

"Did you forget?" she'd replied, scooping his hat off the chair and settling it on top of his head. "All night, I kept thinking you looked funny without it."

"Are you calling me funny looking, Shepard?" he'd teased. She'd stepped close to place the hat on his head and when she'd finished, her hand had drifted downward to settle on his shoulder. The room had been dim and the lights from the instruments had cast soft shadows across her face. They'd had one of those moments that Joker had only ever seen in movies – their eyes had met and held, and his breath had hitched in his chest.

"Yes," she'd answered softly, and then she'd risen onto her toes and kissed him.

This time, he'd been slightly more prepared. His hands had encircled her waist, and he'd managed to kiss her back. He'd heard her shoes clatter to the ground as both of her hands had wrapped around his neck. He'd leaned into her, bending her backwards in his arms as his tongue had eagerly explored her mouth. Shepard had responded by pushing forward, pressing his body against the bulkhead and knocking his cap to the floor.

Which brought them to the current moment in time, when she had her hands under his shirt and her tongue in his ear. And as fabulous as that was, he couldn't help but think that perhaps they needed a brief timeout before things went any further.


	3. Addicted

_"I'm so addicted to all the things you do_

_When you're going down on me, in between the sheets_

_All the sounds you make, with every breath you take_

_It's unlike anything when you're loving me"_

**Addicted – Saving Abel**

* * *

><p>"EDI," he managed.<p>

Shepard stopped what she was doing and gave him narrowed eyes. "This isn't some kind of kinky three-way you have in mind, is it, Moreau?"

"What? No! It's just…I feel like it's always watching."

"You want to go somewhere more private?"

"Yes."

"Are you angling for an invitation to my room?"

"Maybe."

"All right, then." She bent down and retrieved her shoes and his hat. "Let's go."

They entered the elevator and she pushed the button for the top deck. When the elevator doors swished open, Joker's mind started racing. Shepard's private quarters. He hadn't ever been inside, and as far as he knew, neither had any of the rest of the crew. Not even her good pal Garrus.

She entered the room, tossing the shoes and hat aside. He trailed her in and took a long look around.

"Wow, this is cool! You have a fish tank."

"Yep."

He looked more closely. "Where are the fish?"

"They died."

"You killed them?"

"Well, not on purpose! I fed them," she said, defensively. When he quirked a questioning eyebrow, she added, "Sometimes. The aquarium is a stupid idea, anyway."

"Mmm."

"Yours?" She regarded him, suspiciously.

"What? If it's a stupid idea, it must be mine? I didn't have anything to do with designing this part of the ship," he responded, indignantly.

"All right, all right. Sheesh." She descended the stairs and sat on the couch. The stairs were an obstacle, but he gripped the rail and slowly eased his way down. He settled next to her.

"So, where were we?" she inquired as she leaned towards him. He drew back slightly and she heaved an exasperated sigh. "What now?"

"Although I may regret asking, I just want to make sure that this is really what you want to do."

Now it was her turn to cock an inquisitive eyebrow. "Worried that I'll wake up in the morning full of regret and self-loathing, and jettison you from the nearest airlock?"

"Uh…something like that, yeah."

"There's always that possibility, I suppose. But it's not like I haven't thought about this before. This isn't the first time you've ever considered it, is it?"

Joker laughed. "It's not even the first time today."

"Okay, then. We're both consenting adults." She stood and began to pace in agitation. "Tonight was...the way people were looking at me after viewing that presentation...I could tell that they weren't really seeing me, you know? They were seeing all those parts put back together into something that was equal parts fascinating and horrifying." She scowled. "Then that idiot at the end…"

"If it's any consolation, I like your rack just fine."

The frown faded, but her expression remained pensive. "That's kind of my point. You're the only one who wasn't looking at me like some sort of science project come to life."

He rose, taking her hand and tugging her close to him. "You're hot, Shepard. Always have been; always will be. Anyone who doesn't see that is blind."

She gave him the full wattage Shepard grin – the one not many people saw, and that never failed to make his heart do that stupid little stutter step. "So, do you want to see those other tattoos, or not?"

"Yes, ma'am," he said. And this time, _he_ kissed _her_.

* * *

><p>When her hands once again burrowed their way under his shirt, he didn't stop her. She tugged it over his head and tossed it aside. Holding his gaze, she reached up and untied the halter of the dress. It fell to her waist, exposing a black lace strapless bra. He kissed her neck, her collarbone, and the swell of her breasts, as she ran her hands over his shoulders and down his back. Her fingertips trailed down his spine, and when her hands reached his waist, she pulled him tightly against her. His fingers encountered the zipper at the back of her dress, and he slid it all the way down. The garment fell to the floor and she stepped out of it, now clad only in the bra and matching bikini underwear. The panties rode low on her hips, and he spotted something peeking out from the waistband. He hooked a thumb in them and tugged down slightly, revealing the tattoo. The image of a dragon looped around her hip bone and snaked downward into territory as of yet unrevealed.<p>

"That is sexy as hell."

"I told you I had more."

"This is fun…like an X-rated treasure hunt."

She laughed as she took his hand and led him toward the bed. When they were standing beside it, she unbuckled his belt and pants. She slowly unzipped them, letting her fingers linger, teasingly. She slid the pants over his hips and they dropped to the floor. Before he could kick them away, he heard her snigger. That was never a good sign when you were half naked.

"What?"

"Nice undies."

He glanced down at his boxers. "What's wrong with polka dots?"

"Nothing. I think they're cute."

"Uh huh."

"Aw, c'mon, don't go getting all self-conscious on me now." She kissed him hungrily, stealing his breath away. Her mouth was soft, but demanding, as her tongue tangled with his. He quickly forgot about the boxers.

She gently pushed him into a seated position on the edge of the bed and straddled his thighs. He was touched to realize that she was carefully supporting some of her own body weight. She was so damn good at accommodating his condition without even seeming to notice it. Usually, when he was with someone for the first time, he had to explain about the Vrolik's, and then answer their questions - there was all kinds of talking. Joker hated talking. Especially when he would rather be fucking. With Shepard, there was none of that. She already knew his limitations, and proceeded as if he had none.

He reached behind her and unclasped the bra. He lowered his head to first one breast, and then the other, using his tongue to elicit a moan from Shepard's lips. She squirmed on top of him, and he sprang free from the confines of his boxers. When he came in contact with hot, wet lace, he couldn't contain the growl that escaped his lips.

"I want to tease…and taste…every inch of you," he told her, panting. "But right now… I just need…to be inside of you."

In response, she reached between them and took him in her hand, stroking lightly. He gasped as every muscle in his body contracted, galvanized by the direct contact. She grinned wickedly, happy with the response she'd provoked. She released him and stood, and for a brief moment, his body protested the sudden distance between them. She slid the panties down deliberately, and he finally got to see the entire tattoo. He was only able to admire it briefly before she turned her back to him and resettled on his lap, facing away from him. She glanced back at him. "Is this okay?"

"Are you kidding?" he groaned.

"Just checking." She reached back and gently guided him into her. It felt delicious, and he started to worry that he was going to embarrass himself if he couldn't regain some composure. He gripped the sheets with white knuckles and tried to think of something not sexy. Grunt…Garrus…EDI. But all he could see was the curve of Shepard's naked back in front of him, and he sure as hell wasn't willing to close his eyes and miss any of this experience - not after he'd waited for so long. So he struggled for control while she slid down, slowly, every inch sweet torture.

Finally, he was completely inside of her, and the sensation was almost overwhelming. She paused for a moment, and he reached around her, his hand finding the place where their bodies were joined. He stroked gently, and she started to move on top of him, finding a rhythm. He placed his other hand on her thigh to help guide her motion. As their pace increased, she became more vocal, saying, "Oh, yes…oh, god…that's good, Jeff…that feels so good." Hearing his name on her lips pushed him to the brink.

"Shepard…"

He came with a groan, and a few seconds later, he could feel her orgasm as her muscles clenched around him. She slowed and then stalled, perched on his lap with him still inside of her. His arms were wrapped around her, his cheek resting against her back, as their breathing steadied. After a few moments, she gently disengaged from his embrace and stood. He flopped back onto the bed, eyes closed, brain foggy, limbs heavy as lead.

He heard water running in the bathroom. A few minutes later, the mattress dipped as she settled on top of it. "Are you going to sleep down there?" His legs were still dangling off the edge of the bed.

"Can't move."

"C'mon." She tugged gently at the fingers of his left hand as it lay extended over his head. "Come up here with me."

With great effort, he attempted to adjust his position on the bed. He made it about halfway to the top before he gave up. Shepard laughed and slid a hand under his head, lifting it so she could slide a pillow beneath. It smelled like her, and he rolled onto his side, letting his head sink deeper into its softness.

"Did I wear you out?" she asked, teasingly. He opened his eyes to find her lying facing him, their pillows side by side.

"You always wear me out, Shepard. Just talking to you is exhausting."

"That was better than talking."

"So much better," he agreed.

He rolled onto his back and extended an arm, inviting her to settle against him, but she hesitated.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You worry too much, Shepard."

She moved closer, settling her head on his chest. "I always look out for you, Joker. You know that."

He supposed manly pride dictated that he should be insulted by this, but he wasn't. Her tone suggested that she was only stating a fact, not belittling him.

"I know."

She yawned. "And you always look out for me, too."

He kissed the top of her head. "Yep, I always look out for you, too."

Joker closed his eyes, feeling content and comfortable. He must have fallen asleep instantly, because when he opened his eyes again, Shepard was gone.

* * *

><p>At first, he was disoriented. Then he realized that he was in Shepard's bed, and he was alone. He had a moment of panic when he saw that the clock showed 0745 hours, but then he remembered that they were docked. He assumed that if Shepard had wanted to leave immediately, she would have woken him up and told him so.<p>

He stretched, reluctant to leave the comfort of the bed. He had a cot in the crew quarters, but he rarely slept there. He was more likely to doze in the pilot's chair, which was soft leather and contoured to his specifications. But Shepard's bed was big, and soft, and smelled good, unlike the men's barracks, and he couldn't help but linger for a short while.

The smell of freshly brewed coffee eventually rousted him. Shepard had her own coffee maker, and the carafe was still half full. He filled a clean mug and took a sip. It was hot and delicious, nothing like the toxic brew Gardner made. It looked like sleeping with the commander was going to have some nice fringe benefits.

With that thought, he wandered into Shepard's private bathroom. It was spotless and there were clean towels hanging on a rack by the door - unlike the crew showers, which always smelled like mildew and had towels strewn around in soggy heaps. Of course, Gardner was the custodian as well as the cook (a thought that could put you off eating for a long while if you thought about it too much) so it wasn't too surprising. He was as good at one as he was at the other – which was to say, not very.

Joker had only the clothes that he'd worn last night, which meant that he was going to have to do the walk of shame back to the crew quarters in his dress uniform. While this was sure to garner some curious looks, no one knew where he'd gone last night, or with whom. He wasn't sure if Shepard would want their encounter to be public knowledge, although there was no keeping secrets on a spaceship. Everyone would know soon enough, especially since it involved the commander.

He decided Shepard wouldn't mind if he used her shower before he departed. It wasn't until he went to reach for the soap that he drew up short. There were no less than six bottles of varying sizes on the small shelf. He squinted through the spray, trying to determine what they were. There was face wash, body wash, shampoo, conditioner and other assorted toiletries whose function was not readily apparent. For a moment, he was stymied. He had one bottle of soap for his entire body, including his hair. He opened the shampoo and sniffed experimentally. Unsurprisingly, it smelled like Shepard's hair, which smelled like coconut. The fragrance was nice, but not very masculine. On the other hand, most people didn't get close enough to sniff him, so he would probably be safe. He poured out a little bit and scrubbed his hair. He used the body wash (which, happily, was unscented) on his skin and quickly toweled off. He found his pants by the bed and his shirt strewn over the couch, but he couldn't find his hat. He climbed back up the stairs and looked near the desk, but no cap. Maybe Shepard would know where it went.

With a final look around, he headed for the elevator.

* * *

><p>He found her in the gym, running on the treadmill. His hat was on her head, her hair pulled through the back in a ponytail. She wore a white tank top and black running shorts, along with sneakers. Her long legs loped easily, although he would have wagered she was moving at a good pace. He was both impressed, and a little bit envious.<p>

She popped out an ear bud as he approached, allowing it to dangle. They were the only ones in the room.

"Hey," she said.

"Don't you do enough running in the normal course of events?"

"I find that it's helpful if the only running I do isn't when I'm running for my life. It's better to be prepared."

"I see your point." He paused. "You stole my hat."

"I didn't steal it. I borrowed it."

"You're sweating all over it."

She snorted. "After the bodily fluids we exchanged last night, you're worried about a little sweat?"

"Okay, first of all…ewww. Secondly, that's my favorite hat. And lastly, about those fluids…"

"Yes?" She cocked an eyebrow, obviously wondering where he was going with this line of conversation.

"We were both sort of irresponsible in the protection department. I don't suppose you've taken any, uh, precautions in that area?"

"No. There really hasn't been any reason..." she admitted as she slowed the treadmill to a jog.

Joker derived more satisfaction from that revelation than he probably should have, but he continued with his original train of thought. "Well, unless you want little Jokers running around…"

She gave a mock shudder…or maybe it was real. "Gawd."

"Or little Shepards…"

"That's no better."

"Then I should probably go see Doc Chakwas." Everyone knew the doc had an endless supply of condoms. The rumor was that she purchased them in bulk.

"You're making a big assumption here, aren't you?"

"Huh?"

"You're assuming that what happened last night is going to happen again."

His heart dropped to his toes. Actually, he'd never considered the fact that it _wouldn't_ happen again.

"Uh, well...yeah. It is, isn't it?" He hadn't intended for it to come out like a plea.

She smiled as she stopped the treadmill and stepped off. "I'll think about it," she said with a wink as she walked away. "And stop staring at my ass," she tossed over her shoulder as she went out the door.

Later, she materialized in the cockpit and dropped the hat askew on his head. Damned if the thing didn't smell better than before, with the scent of coconut shampoo lingering pleasantly on the band. As he readjusted its position, a scrap of paper fell out of the cap and landed in his lap. "My room. Tonight. After you visit the doc." He grinned as he swung the chair around, but she was already gone.


	4. Awake and Alive

"_I'm at war with the world, And they_

_try to pull me into the dark_

_I struggle to find my faith_

_As I'm slipping from your arms"_

**Awake and Alive - Skillet**

* * *

><p>Of all the times Joker had imagined being with Shepard (and there had been many,) he'd never given much thought to what would happen afterwards. He supposed that this was primarily because he'd never really believed it would happen, as well as the fact that he had an expectation that romantic relationships were always complicated and doomed to fail. But in the weeks following their initial encounter, Joker and Shepard fell into an easy routine, made even more remarkable by the fact that it was achieved with little to no discussion or contention.<p>

Although it might not have seemed so on the surface, he and Shepard had very different expectations of interpersonal interactions. He kept his distance from everybody, even his crewmates. This was due in part to the nature of his position on the ship, both figuratively and literally, but it suited him just fine. He and Shepard had developed their friendship - and now their romance - due to her diligence, and he never deluded himself otherwise.

On the other hand, despite the fact that outsiders saw her as intimidating and formidable (which she was,) Shepard was regularly in a position where her life depended on others. She had very intimate relationships built on trust, respect and camaraderie with those members of her team who were in her inner circle.

The other big difference in their dealings with others was the amount of physical contact involved. Joker's mother had once told him, "There are people who live mainly in their heads, and there are people who live mainly in their bodies." While he was of the former camp, Shepard was parked firmly in the latter. Not to say that she was stupid, because she most certainly wasn't. But when it came down to it, she was a woman of action, and she relied on her physical abilities to get things done. In her everyday life, this translated into a comfort with the tactile realm that Joker just did not share. She invaded people's personal space without compunction – she was forever lurking in the cockpit although she knew it drove him absolutely crazy (or maybe because she knew?) She and Garrus had an entire vocabulary of glances, touches and gestures that no one else could begin to comprehend.

But somehow, they made it work. She reprogrammed the security protocol so that he had open access to her quarters. Joker's meager belongings – toothbrush, uniforms, and comic books - began slowly migrating from the crew deck to Shepard's room. If one of them went to bed alone, the other was usually there when they woke up. And the slumbering partner could usually be roused for a quickie before beginning their day – or going back to sleep. Joker more eagerly than Shepard, perhaps…but he'd discovered some rather effective methods of garnering her cooperation.

By now, everyone onboard knew about their relationship. Nobody except for the members of her team would dare to challenge Shepard about it, and if any of them did, she didn't share that information with Joker. Once in a while, a member of the crew would give him a knowing glance or a raised eyebrow as he passed, but no one confronted him directly. He was protected by the umbrella of fear and respect that the men and women had for the commander - and by his own reputation as a complete misanthrope.

* * *

><p>Their quest to build a force capable of engaging the Collectors continued. Shepard rescued Tali, a former teammate, from Haestrom, where she'd gone to complete a research project, and the quarian rejoined the squad. Next they flew to Illium, where Shepard attempted to track down a drell assassin and an asari justicar. Luckily, another former ally, Liara, was able to provide Shepard with information on her quarry. The two newest members of the crew were safely tucked away, and Shepard and Joker were relaxing in her quarters when she informed him that she was going to be helping Liara with a private matter.<p>

"Okay," he responded, preoccupied with trying to get her naked.

"I'm taking only Garrus with me. No one else needs to know about this. Jeff, are you listening to me?"

"Hmm? Yeah, sure…mission, Garrus, top-secret." He nibbled on her neck, one of her weaknesses.

"We may be gone for a while. I need you to...to…dammit, Joker, you're distracting me," she admonished, tilting her head to expose more of her throat to his ministrations.

"That's kind of the idea."

He never did find out what she needed him to do. She and Garrus left late that night to meet Liara. Thirty hours later, they still hadn't returned.

"Honey, I'm home," Shepard said when she finally walked through the door to her room, shucking armor as she went.

He was at her desk, looking over some status reports for the ship, the stereo on low in the background. He played along. "How was your day, dear?"

"First, I fell out of a third story window. Then, I spent hours crawling around the outside of a ship in a lightning storm. And lastly, I had to fight a big ugly alien – with my bare hands. All in all, slightly above average, I'd say." The last of the armor hit the floor with a clatter. "Liara says hi."

He looked her over. She was covered from head to foot in grime, and she looked exhausted. "Are you okay?"

"I need a shower."

"I could join you."

"I want to get cleaner, not dirtier."

"You can get clean afterwards."

She rolled her eyes and disappeared into the bathroom. She reappeared in minutes, naked but clean, using a towel to dry her hair.

"Holy shit, Shepard!"

"What?"

"Did you have the doc check you out?" He indicated her left side, where colorful bruises ran from waist to shoulder.

"Nah, nothing's broken."

"You need to be more careful."

"It's dangerous work saving the world."

"I could kiss it better."

She laughed, and winced. "How do you go from concerned boyfriend to lecherous perv in five seconds flat?"

"I dunno. It's a gift. Hey, wait…did you say boyfriend?"

"Well, yeah." She blushed. "You know, I just thought…I mean, I didn't mean anything by it. I don't know what else to call you."

"I could think of a few things. Boy toy. Love machine. Stud muffin. Orgasm donator."

Her response was another roll of the eyes.

"But boyfriend's good. God knows you've called me much worse."

"Much, much worse," she agreed.

He wrapped his arms around her gently. Her skin was still warm and dewy from the shower. "You smell good enough to eat."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really.

"You have a one-track mind, Moreau."

He kissed the hollow of her throat, and he could feel the flutter of her pulse under his lips. "Good thing for me you like the tune."

He guided her toward the bed and trailed kisses down her body, from her neck to her chest, lips barely grazing her bruised ribs, down between her thighs. Her hands gently gripped his head, guiding his tongue where she wanted it to go. She arched her back, lifting her hips off the bed to encourage his endeavors. And just before he pushed her over the edge, her fingers intertwined with his where they grasped her waist, and she squeezed tightly when she called his name.

She was asleep within minutes. It wasn't until afterwards, when he was covering her with the blanket, that he realized he was still fully clothed and hadn't gotten anything out of their encounter other than the satisfaction of pleasing her. It was a new experience for him, but one that he'd enjoyed more than he would have thought possible.

Shepard would most likely be the death of him, but at least he was going to enjoy the ride.

* * *

><p>You didn't have to be sleeping with the commander to know that their operation wasn't proceeding exactly as planned. Things had first begun to go seriously wrong after the visit to Horizon. They'd gotten there too late to save many of the colonists, and Shepard had endured an uncomfortable reunion with Ashley. After the failed mission, the Illusive Man had admitted to using Shepard to lure the Collectors (yes, Joker eavesdropped on these conversations – so sue him) and she had expressed her displeasure at this news in no uncertain terms. The Illusive Man had been typically unfazed by her anger.<p>

Later, after the fake distress call from the dormant, but not fully disabled, Collector ship, the entire crew had been fuming. The Illusive Man had outright lied to them, and the Normandy had almost been destroyed. Again. Shepard had raged and sworn, and their boss had accepted it with his usual equanimity, which Joker knew only served to further infuriate the boss. When Shepard attacked, she liked her opponents to fight back. After the transmission ended, Joker heard nothing but ragged breathing over the comm for several seconds.

"He's trying to get us killed. Cerberus spent billions of credits on rebuilding me, and this ship, and he could care less if we all go down in flames."

"We haven't yet," Garrus' flanged voice reply, mildly.

She gave a bitter bark of laughter. "Luck."

"No. Not just luck."

Joker heard a resigned sigh. "I don't mind a suicide mission, Garrus. I just like to know who my enemies are."

"Well, now you know. First, we go after the Collectors. Then, if you want, we'll track down the Illusive Man."

"Aw, Garrus, you sweet talker. You sure do know the way to a girl's heart, don't you?"

The turian chuckled. "Only yours, Shepard."

Joker stabbed violently at the comm button and heard a "snap!" He'd fractured his damn thumb. Again.

"The control buttons are pressure sensitive, Mr. Moreau. There's no need to engage them with such force."

"EDI?"

"Yes, Jeff?"

"Shut up."

* * *

><p>When he entered her quarters later that evening, she was sitting on the couch, datapads strewn everywhere. She glanced up and gave him a weary smile.<p>

"Hey."

"Hey, yourself. What are you doing?"

"Just looking over these intel reports. Trying to find something – anything – I might have missed. Trying to figure out how much is fact and how much is fiction." She sighed and set the devices aside. "But anyway…"

"You can talk to me, you know," he blurted.

She gave him a raised eyebrow. "I thought that's what I was doing."

"No, about this stuff…mission stuff."

"Okay." She drew the word out, looking puzzled.

"You know…if there's stuff you're worried about. Or if you're just looking for some feedback."

She slouched on the couch, regarding him with tired eyes. "You're never shy about providing me with 'feedback.' And I ask your opinion about the crew and the mission all the time. You usually tell me you're not a 'people person.'"

"I know. You're right. But I'm going to do better. I want you to know that you can count on me."

Her expression softened. She swept the detritus off of the sofa and patted the space next to her, invitingly. He sat. "I know that, Jeff. I do count on you, all the time. Gawd, without you and Garrus here…" She shuddered. "I don't know what I'd do."

He frowned at the mention of Garrus' name, but held his tongue.

A crooked grin spread across her face as she regarded him more closely. "You're not getting nervous that I'm just keeping you around for the sex, are you?"

"No!"

"I value your brain as well as your body, Mr. Moreau," she said, teasingly, as she reached up and stroked his beard, affectionately.

"But it's mostly about the sex. Right?" he asked, hopefully.

"Mostly," she agreed.

"Cool." He reached up and pulled her to him for a kiss. She noticed the splint on his finger.

"What happened this time?"

"Nothing."

* * *

><p>The team had only just arrived back on the Normandy from Pragia when EDI notified Joker about a disturbance in Miranda's office. Joker quickly got Shepard on the comm.<p>

"Jack and Miranda are in the middle of a…disagreement. Can you head it off before they tear out a bulkhead?"

"Fuck. Okay, I'll deal with it."

"Take pictures."

Joker had opened the comm link to Miranda's office in order to monitor the situation, so he heard the door swish open when Shepard arrived.

"Touch me and I will smear the walls with you, bitch!" he heard Jack snarl.

"Enough! Stand down…both of you!" Shepard's voice rang with authority.

"She won't admit what Cerberus did to me was wrong!'

"It wasn't Cerberus. Not really. But clearly, you were a mistake."

"Screw you! You've got no idea what they put me through. Maybe it's time I showed you."

"I said, that's enough! We have more important things to worry about."

"She can't be trusted, Shepard. She'll jeopardize the whole mission," Miranda declared.

"If we survive this, you two can tear each other apart. Until then, save your hate for the Collectors."

"Oh, she'll survive. I'll make sure of it," Jack responded, in a tone that sent a chill down Joker's spine. "Then, I'll tear her apart myself."

Stomping footfalls retreated, followed by a moment of silence.

"It's a good thing you came by when you did. She's unstable," the Cerberus officer announced with disdain.

"The people I recruit are my business, Miranda. I expect you two to put aside your differences until the mission is over."

When Miranda replied, her voice was as cold as ice. "Whatever you say, Commander."

The door hissed open again, and Joker broke the connection.

* * *

><p>When Shepard entered the cockpit an hour or so later, ill-temper practically radiated off of her. Joker knew, down to his core, that he should just keep his mouth shut. Unfortunately, knowing and doing turned out to be two very different things.<p>

"Glad we figured out for sure that Jack is crazy, because that was really up in the air - just hanging there. I know I, for one, had my doubts."

Angry eyes fixed on him. "Why do you just assume it was Jack's fault?"

"What?"

"Why do you automatically take Miranda's side? You think she's a saint in all this?"

"No! I didn't say that…"

"Ever since Jack came on board, all you've done is make cracks about how she's crazy. Why do you think she's crazy, Jeff? 'Cause she grew up without parents? 'Cause she has tattoos? 'Cause she kills people?"

Too late, Joker realized that they weren't talking about Jack anymore. "Shepard…"

"Maybe you should try getting to know someone before you make assumptions about them," she said before she stalked off.

"Shepard…" he tried one more time as she marched away, but she didn't turn around.

* * *

><p>When he went to the top deck later that night, she hadn't locked him out. He took that as a good sign. Shepard was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. The stereo was on; the lights low. He settled beside her gingerly, careful not to make physical contact.<p>

"Hey," he said.

"Hi."

"I'm sorry about before."

"Me, too. I was in a foul mood. I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

"You know I talk shit about everyone. I didn't mean anything by it."

"I know. It's just…" She rose and began pacing, her posture exuding tension. He sat up and waited silently for her to gather her thoughts. "You should have seen that place, Jeff. She was a kid, and she grew up in a fucking cell. And it was Cerberus' doing. I mean, I know these aren't good guys, but goddamn. I thought the way I grew up was rough, but at least I was free. I ran wild in the streets, but it was better than being caged like an animal!"

"I'm sorry," he said again. He didn't know what else to say.

"I know what people see when they see Jack. But you know what I see? I see me. I was that angry kid – hell, I still am! I just control it better now."

"Shepard, you're not Jack."

She heaved a sigh and perched on the edge of the bed. "What makes you so sure? People toss around this term 'hero' when they talk about me. I'm no damned hero. I know the Reapers are out there, so I might as well die trying to stop them as wait for them to come for me. Die now, or die later. What's the difference?"

"You died to save me."

She glanced at him, and then quickly looked away. "That's different."

"Yeah, exactly. The difference between you and Jack is that you care about people other than yourself. Any member of your crew would take a bullet for you because they know you'd do the same for them. Jack doesn't care about anyone but herself."

"She's afraid."

Joker snorted. "Aren't we all? The trick is to put your faith in the right people."

Their eyes held for a long moment, before Shepard shook her head. "And you claim you're not a people person. When did you get so damned smart?"

"I don't like people. That doesn't mean I don't understand them. And I keep trying to tell you, I have brains as well as beauty, but you don't believe me."

"Hmm."

"And for the record, I wasn't trying to take Miranda's side. Jack may be crazy, but Miranda's a bitch…a mean, bossy, probably traitorous bitch."

Shepard laughed.

"Hey, did you see what just happened here?" he asked her.

"What?"

"We had our first fight."

She looked at him like he was insane. "Joker, I've known you for a long time. That was definitely not our first fight."

"Well, okay, not our first fight, _ever_. But before, you would say hurtful things to me, I would pout, you would ignore me, and then I would have to be the bigger person and forgive you."

"Well, I agree about the pouting bit."

"But this time," he continued, undaunted, "we both apologized and talked it out."

She pondered that. "Does this mean we're in a healthy adult relationship?"

Joker shuddered. "God forbid."


	5. Someday

_"How the hell'd we wind up like this?_

_And why weren't we able_

_To see the signs that we missed_

_And try and turn the tables?"_

**Someday - Nickelback**

* * *

><p>Unfortunately, their "first" argument did not turn out to be their last. As the weeks went by, the stress continued to build as the crew prepared to take what was likely a one-way journey through the Omega-4 relay. The members of Shepard's team had various personal issues they needed to address, which had Joker constantly flying them from one end of the galaxy to the other. Shepard was often preoccupied and always exhausted. He felt like the only time she spoke to him was to bark orders. He'd gone back to spending most nights in the cockpit because waking up alone in Shepard's bed had become too damn depressing.<p>

He'd wanted to talk to her about it, but hadn't known how to approach the topic without sounding needy or whiny...or both. In his better moments, he realized that she would probably rather be sleeping in her own bed and spending time with him, as well, but there were more important things at stake. The rest of the time, he was resentful of the fact that he'd waited for what seemed like an eternity for this relationship, and it felt like it was over before it'd even begun. Yeah, it was selfish, but dammit, he'd never claimed to be otherwise.

And so it was that he was in a particularly nasty mood one afternoon as he walked to the kitchen for some coffee. He'd just pulled another 16 hour shift, and he hadn't seen Shepard in over 24. He hadn't seen her naked in far longer than that. And there she was, standing with Garrus and Kelly and several other crew members, heads together as if conspiring. Shepard glanced up and spotted him, and he heard her whisper, "Remember, it's a secret," as he approached the small gathering.

"What's a secret?" he asked her.

"What?"

"When I was walking up, you said, 'Remember, it's a secret.'"

"I don't know what you're talking about," she replied, innocently. He glanced at Garrus, whose expression revealed nothing, as usual. And suddenly, his frustration boiled over.

"Fine, whatever. It's not like I'm an important member of this crew. Keep secrets with your cronies here."

"Joker…"

"No, no, whatever. We both know you'll tell me later, when we're alone…_if_ we're ever alone."

"Joker." Her tone held a warning this time, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. The crew exchanged nervous glances and shifted uncomfortably.

"She's big on the pillow talk," he pretended to confide to Kelly, who looked mortified by the whole encounter. "Like when she told me about Garrus' bloodlust for his old pal Sidonis, or your unhealthy obsession with aliens…"

"Lieutenant!" Shepard's cheeks were flushed with both embarrassment and anger. "That's enough! Return to your post, now!"

"I'm off duty."

"Then remove yourself from my sight…immediately."

"Aye, aye, Commander." He snapped off a mock salute and hobbled away. He could hear Shepard trying to reassure Garrus and Kelly that she hadn't betrayed their confidences. Garrus was unperturbed, but Kelly was obviously hurt. Joker was already ashamed of his bad behavior, but he knew he couldn't do anything about it right now.

He waited until later that night when fewer people were around and took the elevator to the top floor. He'd prepared an apology and was primed to grovel. He knew Shepard would still be angry, and rightfully so. He would explain; try to make things right.

But when he placed his hand over the scanner, the door didn't open. Surprised, he tried again, but the entry remained firmly closed; the display blank.

He stood for another moment, debating whether or not to request entry. The closed portal seemed to stare back at him as dread gathered in his chest. He'd been locked out. His apology wasn't welcome, and neither was he. He fought off the foreboding, telling himself that this banishment was temporary. Shepard just needed some time and space. She'd been angry at him many times before and had always forgiven him. This time would be no different.

He made his way slowly back to the crew quarters, trying to ignore the stares and whispers. Word of his insubordination had apparently spread quickly. He crawled into bed, pulled the covers over his head and tried not to contemplate what a permanent return to a pre-Shepard existence would be like. But the thoughts lingered, and sleep was a long time coming.

* * *

><p>He woke the next morning, tired and out-of-sorts. As he made his way to the men's room, a crew member jostled him aside.<p>

"Watch where you're going, will ya?"

"Sorry, Lieutenant." The man hustled off. Someone else dodged around him, and Joker called after him, "Hey, what's going on?"

"The security protocol's corrupted. People have access to things they shouldn't; don't have access to things they should. It's a mess."

"Sabotage, or programming glitch?"

"No one knows right now. The security officers are working on it, and it's all hands on deck to protect any compromised areas…which as of now, seems to be all of them."

Joker hurried to the restroom and splashed water on his face; brushed his teeth. Then he headed for the cockpit to check on the status of the navigation systems. Kelly was at her station by the CIC when he passed. He knew that she would have more information about what was going on, but her glare made it clear that she would be unwilling to share that knowledge with him.

As it turned out, the nav system was one of the few that hadn't been compromised. He ran some tests to assure himself that everything was as it should be, then instructed EDI to add some additional firewalls, just in case.

Now that his concerns had been assuaged, his thoughts turned again to the situation with Shepard. A quick glance at the ship's logs revealed she'd deployed early that morning with Garrus and Jack. With some consternation, he realized that this was the first time in a very long while that he had no idea where she'd gone or what she was doing. He didn't like the feeling. He had to find a way to make things right, but he needed some advice.

He retraced his steps, past the still-scowling Kelly, and descended into the bowels of the ship. The engineering core was quiet, as usual, although his target appeared hard at work, bent over the computer.

"Hey, Tal."

"Don't 'Hey, Tal' me," she said, without looking up. "I heard what you did, and I'm on Shepard's side."

"There are no sides. I was an ass. I want to make it right, but I don't know what to do."

"You could apologize."

"I tried. I went to see her last night, only…" He paused, embarrassed to admit the truth. "She locked me out."

"Oh. Well, that's not good."

"Yeah, I kinda figured that out. So, what do I do now?"

Tali regarded him for a moment while she pondered the question. "I don't know. That's not like Shepard. She's usually quick to forgive and forget, but you did embarrass her in front of the crew."

"Yeah." He thought about what she'd said. "Hey, do you think that might be it? I embarrassed her in front of everyone, so she expects a public apology?"

"I suppose." Tali sounded doubtful. "I've never known Shepard to go in for public humiliation, but from what I heard, she was pretty angry."

"That must be it." He was warming to the idea. It had an "eye-for-an-eye" quality that he thought might appeal to Shepard's sensibilities.

"Well, good luck with that."

"Thanks." Joker headed back to the crew quarters to grab a datapad and compose the best damn apology the commander had ever heard.

By late that evening, most of the commotion on the ship had died down. The security systems were 93% back online, although no one seemed to know what had caused the malfunction in the first place. Joker had spent most of the day working on his apology, only taking a break to grab some dinner from the mess hall. It still wasn't quite perfect, but that was okay because Shepard hadn't yet returned to the ship. It was going to have to wait until tomorrow, at the soonest. He went to bed early, exhausted from the previous restless night and content that he was taking steps to rectify the situation.

* * *

><p>When he reached the cockpit the next morning, there were coordinates in the computer along with instructions from Shepard to set course immediately. He got the ship underway at once. He was putting the finishing touches on his mea culpa when Shepard's voice came over the comm, asking for a status report. He gave her an update, along with their projected travel time. She thanked him and immediately signed off. She was all business, but didn't sound angry, which he took as a good sign. Perhaps that meant she would be receptive to what he had to say.<p>

It was dinner time before he spotted Shepard in person, striding towards the armory with Jacob. Kelly was nearby, and a few other crew members. Garrus wasn't around, but it could be a long time before he was able to capture all the witnesses to his transgression in one place. This would have to do.

"Commander!" he called out. "Do you have a minute?"

Shepard stopped and glanced back at him. Her hair was getting long…no time for haircuts when you had a galaxy to save. One raven lock had come loose from the elastic and fallen across her brow. She tossed her head impatiently to clear her vision. Joker, in his deprived state, found the gesture sexy as hell. "Sure, what do you need?"

Jacob had stopped a few strides away and was shifting impatiently from foot to foot. "I really think you need to see this now, Commander."

"I know. I'm coming," she replied. "What do you need, Joker?" she asked again. Her voice was patient, but she was obviously distracted.

"Nothing," he said, deciding this wasn't the right time, after all. "It can wait."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. It's not a big deal."

"Okay," she responded, already moving away. "Come find me later and we'll talk."

"Sure." He watched Jacob take her arm, guiding her into the armory. The door swished shut behind them. Joker sighed and continued to the elevator, wondering if the perfect occasion was ever going to present itself and cursing his big, stupid mouth for getting him into this situation in the first place.

* * *

><p>He wasn't able to catch up with her later that night, or the next. They were always on the move, gathering data, tying off loose ends. The Illusive Man had identified the location of a derelict Reaper and they needed to retrieve the IFF (Identify FriendFoe) from the vessel that would hopefully allow them to travel safely through the Omega-4 relay. The final mission was approaching, and everyone knew it. The environment practically bristled with anxiety and anticipation.

Which was why he was surprised when he got the order to take them back to Omega and be prepared to dock for a day or two. He was sure Shepard had a good reason for the visit, but she wasn't currently sharing that information with him. He completed the manifest and went to see if he could finally engage the commander in a little chat.

As he passed Chambers, he ventured, "Have you seen Shepard?"

"Nope," she replied curtly, without so much as glancing in his direction.

He took the elevator down, but Garrus wasn't in his usual haunt in the main battery. Miranda wasn't in her office, either. Had they left the ship? They hadn't signed out - he would have noticed.

He popped his head into the med bay. The doc was sitting with her feet propped on the desk, a glass of some viscous looking liquid in her hand. "Have you seen Shepard?"

"No, not recently. I heard talk that she and some of her team were going to the club, Afterlife, tonight, but don't quote me on that."

Joker was surprised. "Like, on leave?"

"I'm sure I don't know. Would you like to join me in a drink?"

"No, thanks. Well, on second thought…you wouldn't happen to have a beer, would you?"

She gestured toward the cabinet that Joker knew held her private stash, including a small refrigerator. There were three beers inside. He took one and sat on one of the examining tables. Most people would probably be uncomfortable settling there, but he'd spent a lot of time in med bays. To him, it was just another seat.

Chakwas refilled her own glass. "Are you here to replenish your supply of condoms?"

Joker choked a bit on his beer. He knew she was a doctor, but it was still a little like talking to his mom about sex. "No. I still have plenty, unfortunately."

She nodded sagely. "I heard that you and Shepard had a falling out."

"I guess you could call it that."

"Is that why you were looking for her?"

"Yeah. I've been wanting to apologize, but things have been so hectic, I haven't been able to catch up with her."

The doc took another sip and regarded him over the rim of her glass. "You know, Jeff," she was the only one besides Shepard who ever called him by his given name, "both you and Shepard know all too well how precarious life can be."

"Uh-huh."

"Tomorrow is not a guarantee."

"Doc, are you one of those people who get philosophical when they drink?"

"Perhaps," she continued, undaunted. "But that doesn't mean I'm not right."

Joker took another swig of his beer. "So, what's your point?"

"My point is that I love you both dearly. So quit being a hard-headed jackass and go apologize to the lady…sooner rather than later."

Joker sighed, drained the bottle, and eased himself off the table. "Afterlife, you say?"

"That was the rumor."

"Thanks for the talk, Doc." He set the empty bottle on her desk and headed for the door.

"You're quite welcome. And Jeff?"

"Yeah?"

"Good luck."

* * *

><p>He double-checked the logs. Shepard was offline, but she hadn't signed herself off the ship. He tried to figure out what that meant. Was it a secret mission of some sort? Who had gone with her? The frustration rose in him again. In the old days, even prior to their relationship, he would've known what was going on. Not being with Shepard - that part was bad. But this – being out of the information loop – was almost worse. They'd always been a team. She'd trusted him. Chakwas was right - he had to make things right between them.<p>

So, he set out to find the club, Afterlife. As it turned out, it was only a short walk from where the ship was docked. There was a long line at the door and he worried for a moment that he wasn't going to make it past the bouncer, but the turian took one look at his uniform and asked, "You with Shepard?" He nodded, and the guard waved him past. Loud grumbling from the line dwellers followed in his wake.

The music grew louder as he crossed the bridge to the club, until it was a physical throbbing in his brain. The doors to the club slid open and he took a moment to allow his eyes to adjust to the dimness. Beautiful asaris gyrated on the bar. Creatures of all species danced, drank and yelled to be heard over the music. He thought he caught a glimpse of Samara, but when he looked in that direction, no one was there and he couldn't be sure. He walked slowly around the room, trying not to get jostled, searching for Shepard. Halfway around, he spotted her, standing at the bar. She was talking to a male human. As he approached them, he saw Garrus seated at a table about 20 feet away. The turian caught his eye and shook his head "No", but Joker ignored him. He took the stool on the other side of Shepard's companion.

When Shepard caught sight of him, her eyes widened in surprise, but she didn't verbally acknowledge him. Her companion was shouting at her, "So, you don't know where I can get tickets for Expel 10, huh?"

"No. Sorry," she yelled back, turning her attention back to him. "Tell me more about your asari friend. Is she here?"

"No, she usually hangs out in the VIP section, but she's not there tonight. I checked. I really want to get those tickets for her…the concert's tomorrow!"

"Maybe we could all go together," Joker heard Shepard say, and he gave her a quizzical look. Was she arranging a date with this guy and some asari? What the hell was going on here?

"Yeah, that could be cool!" her companion exclaimed, his hangdog look evaporating a bit. "I think she'd like you. And I'd get to go to the concert with two super hot chicks!" He tried to put an arm around Shepard's shoulders, but she gently shrugged him off. Joker frowned in confusion.

"Shepard," he tried, but she ignored him. Her new friend was so engrossed with her that he didn't take notice of Joker at all.

"Do you think she might come around later tonight? Maybe you could introduce us?" Shepard gave the guy an enticing smile.

"Sure, I don't see why not. But maybe you and I could get to know each other better first?" With a salacious grin, he moved closer to Shepard. From the corner of his eye, Joker saw the bastard's hand come to rest on Shepard's ass.

In that moment, all reason fled. He didn't know what was going on here, but this was definitely _not _okay. "Hey, buddy," he called, tapping the guy on the shoulder. The interloper turned his way, surprised, and Joker sucker-punched him with everything he had, his momentum carrying him off of the bar stool and into his victim.

They both stumbled into Shepard, who reflexively grabbed Mr. Happy Hands to keep them all from tumbling to the floor. Joker's fist was screaming in pain. His adversary recovered quickly, gathering Joker's shirt front in one fist. "What the hell is your problem, man?" he asked as he drew his fist back to return the strike.

"No!" Shepard cried as she regained her footing and saw what was about to happen. She grabbed the attacker's arm as he swung, causing the jab to land off the mark and with less force than it would have, otherwise. The glancing blow to Joker's skull was still enough to lay him out and cause a high-pitched ringing in his ears. Moments later, there was a thud as Shepard's would-be suitor hit the floor next to him and lay still.

Joker was still reeling as he was unceremoniously dragged to his feet. Garrus had a grip on one arm; Shepard the other. She didn't look pleased.

"God DAMMIT! Come on, we've got to go, _now_…before we attract any more attention." And she and Garrus half carried, half dragged him out of the club and into the night.

* * *

><p>And so it was that he got to make his second visit to the infirmary that night. Despite her earlier imbibing, Chakwas sobered up quickly when the three of them stormed the med bay. Garrus disappeared hurriedly while Shepard leaned against the counter, glaring and silent. His hand was badly mangled. His fingers had to be reset and the pain was excruciating. He could see some of Shepard's anger fade and the concern creep in as she observed his suffering.<p>

"He hit his head pretty good when he hit the floor. You might want to check for a concussion."

Surprisingly, neither the punch nor the floor had done any damage to his head. Apparently, his mother had been right when she'd said that it was the only part of him that was indestructible. His hand was bandaged; pain killers washed down. When Chakwas finished, she took one look at Shepard's still glowering visage, gave Joker a look that said, "_Sorry, buddy, but you're on your own,_" and rapidly took her leave. For a long moment, no one spoke. Joker studied the floor, afraid to meet her eyes.

"What the _hell_ were you thinking?" Not yelling, but angry. Oh, so angry. When he didn't reply, she continued, "We were there tonight trying to help Samara track down an asari; an Ardat-Yakshi. We were trying to be inconspicuous so we wouldn't alert her to our presence. The guy you punched was a connection; a lead." Now her voice was rising. "You blew this for us, Joker."

"He put his hand on your ass."

For a moment, she appeared speechless. "What?"

"That guy…he put his hand on your ass. When a guy puts his hands on another guy's girl's ass, said guy has to punch him. It's, like, a rule or something. Look it up."

Shepard appeared exasperated beyond words. "So, you were protecting me, is that it? Have you ever known me to need protection, Joker? What were you even _doing_ there?" Her tone made it clear that he hadn't been invited…nor welcome.

"That's not the point," he muttered, the anger starting to rise.

"What?"

"That's not the goddamn point!" he yelled, meeting her eyes defiantly. "You think I don't know you don't need me? You've made it abundantly clear that you don't need my help, my advice, or my company. You don't need me to defend your honor. You just need me to shuttle you around the galaxy and keep my mouth shut. Isn't that right?"

"No, of course not! But you've been acting crazy lately. Arguing in front of the crew. Punching targets in bars. What the hell's going on with you, Jeff? You need to talk to me!"

The anger in her eyes had mostly given way to hurt and confusion, and somehow, that was even harder to tolerate. All at once, his irritation drained away, replaced by pain of both the physical and emotional sort. Every time he tried to fix this, he made it worse. Maybe he should just leave it alone. Maybe he'd been wrong to think it could work in the first place.

"There's really nothing else to say. Maybe we should just go back to the way things were," he replied softly.

Shepard was quiet for a long moment. "Is that what you want?"

"Yeah," he lied.

"Okay, then." She stood, unmoving, as Joker brushed past her and out the door, no longer able to meet her wounded gaze.


	6. Say You'll Haunt Me

"_Say you want to stay, you want me, too_

_Say you'll never die_

_You'll always haunt me_

_I want to know I belong to you"_

**Say You'll Haunt Me – Stone Sour**

* * *

><p>And things did go back to normal after that…sort of. Shepard made a point of keeping him informed about the crew's movements, asking for his opinions, and treating him like a valued member of the team. But they were cautious around each other; too polite, too conscious of the other's personal space. They were looking over some schematics one night, and when Joker went to point at something, his hand brushed hers. She recoiled from his touch as if burned. They both tried to laugh it off but their laughter was more nervous than humorous. He reasoned that things were better this way – neither of them was equipped for the inevitable emotional turmoil of an intimate relationship. But every time they were close, his arms just wanted to reach for her, pull her close and tell her it was all a mistake…he'd been an idiot, and he'd do anything just to hold her, feel her, touch her one more time. So far, he'd been able to fight the urge...somehow.<p>

He came out of the men's room one afternoon and heard music coming from the gym. Curious, he went to investigate. The door slid open as he approached and the full cacophony escaped. He recognized the music Shepard listened to when she wanted to get pumped up…screaming guitars, thumping bass, pounding drums, and angry, defiant lyrics. Exercise equipment had been pushed aside to create a space in the middle of the room. Jacob was there, naked to the waist, clad in shorts, dark skin glistening with sweat. His hands were raised and he wore pads that protected him from hand to elbow. Shepard wore her usual tank top and shorts, which were plastered to her body. They were both barefoot. A few people ran on the treadmills, giving them an excuse to observe the action. Other spectators loitered, having abandoned their own workouts, not caring about being caught gawking. Joker joined their ranks, mesmerized.

Shepard danced on the balls of her feet, wielding clenched fists as weapons. She gave a roundhouse kick that Jacob deflected easily.

"Remember, your size is an advantage as well as a disadvantage," Jacob coached. "You may not be as strong, but you're quicker. Watch for your opponent's weaknesses and exploit them." She feinted left and jabbed right, catching his exposed ribs.

"Good," he praised.

As Joker watched, his mind drifted. He thought about Jacob's words. In her armor, with an assault rifle strapped across her back, Shepard always seemed larger than life and virtually indestructible. Here, sparring with a partner who had 6 inches and 75 pounds on her, she looked tiny and vulnerable. How would she look squared off with a krogan? He didn't even want to think about it.

Being in the gym also reminded him of the morning after they'd spent their first night together. He'd found her here, running on the treadmill, and he remembered admiring her grace and speed. He'd waited so long for her. And now, just a few months later, he'd lost her. How had things gone so wrong?

As Shepard and Jacob danced around the makeshift ring, her position changed so that she was facing Joker. He didn't know if it was because she was focused on her workout, or because she wasn't expecting to see him there, but when she spotted him in the crowd, she grinned reflexively. She smiled at him the way that she used to – an unguarded smile that seemed to say, "_You are someone I like, and I'm always happy to see you._" It was an expression reserved for very few people – Garrus, and occasionally Thane. And him…always, him. It was a welcoming smile that never failed to lift his spirits and warm his heart, and he hadn't seen it in far too long. He returned it automatically, the events of the past weeks falling away, taking him back to a better, happier time.

And then, Jacob kicked her in the abdomen.

She staggered backwards, but maintained her footing. "Focus!" her sparring partner barked at her. "Distractions," and he paused meaningfully after this word, leaving no doubt in Joker's mind what…or who…he was referring to, "will get you killed."

Shepard shook off the blow and narrowed her eyes, refocusing on the task at hand. Disheartened, Joker retreated from the room and vowed to do the same.

* * *

><p>Shepard's team retrieved the IFF without too much difficulty. Unfortunately, they brought back something else, as well.<p>

"Geth? Really, Commander? Geth…on our ship?"

She shrugged. "How long until the IFF is ready, EDI?"

"Unknown, Commander."

Shepard was staring out the window, distracted.

"Everything okay?" Joker asked.

"Hmm?" She focused on him. "No, not really. The Cereberus crew…husks." She shuddered. "Awful."

Joker was about to say something reassuring (although he didn't know what) when she said, "Anyway. Let me know when the IFF is installed, EDI."

"Yes, Commander."

Then she was gone.

* * *

><p>Testing of the IFF did not go well, to say the least. Shepard's team had departed on the shuttle for a mission. He and EDI were running the program when the AI suddenly announced that the IFF was broadcasting the Normandy's location.<p>

"Broadcasting? To who?"

That question was answered seconds later as a colossal ship appeared next to them. The Collectors invaded the Normandy, and there was nobody there to defend her except the remaining crew, a gimpy pilot and an out-of-control AI. He limped through the ship, trying to follow EDI's orders while not getting himself killed, swearing to himself the whole time. He remembered making it through the shafts to the engine room, and then, nothing. But from out of the darkness, he heard Shepard calling him. He tried to follow her voice.

"Jeff! Jeff, can you hear me?"

Joker opened his eyes to see Shepard leaning over him, her eyes full of worry. He was flat on his back and he hurt everywhere.

Shepard touched his face. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. No. What the hell?" And then he remembered…the Collector attack, the crew taken. "Oh, shit."

He struggled to sit up, which sent stabbing pains up his side. Definitely some broken ribs this time. Shepard helped him upright, one hand at his back for support. That's when Miranda started in.

"Everyone? You lost everyone? And you damned near lost the ship, too?"

"I know, all right? I was here," Joker snapped back.

"It's not his fault, Miranda. None of us caught it." Surprisingly, that was Jacob coming to his defense.

"And don't even get me started about unshackling the damned AI," Miranda continued, undaunted.

"Back off, Miranda!" Shepard had finally had enough. "Everyone out. We have work to do. We're going to take the fight to the Collectors and get our crew back."

The rest of the team filed out silently. Shepard was still kneeling next to him, holding him up. She reached for his cap, which had flown off when he'd hit the deck, and placed it on his head. Her fingertips brushed his forehead, and that simple, familiar gesture seemed to undo her. Joker saw the tears well in her eyes.

"Hey," he said, alarmed. He reached for her hand with his good one and intertwined their fingers. "It's okay."

She sat back on her heels and glanced away. She swiped at her nose with her free hand. "Fuck." She struggled for control. "You scared the hell out of me. EDI sent a message that the entire crew had been taken, and my heart just about stopped."

"You can't get rid of me that easily."

"Then she told me you were still onboard, but I couldn't find you. She finally thought to volunteer that you were down here in engineering. When I came through the door and you were just lying there, not moving…" A tear rolled down her cheek and fell onto their joined hands. "Fuck." She took another shaky breath. "I don't want you to die."

"I don't want you to die, either, Shep." He rubbed her knuckles with his thumb. "Once was enough." He said the only thing he could think of when confronted with a crying woman – a crying Shepard, no less. "I'm sorry."

She gave a half laugh, half sob. "For what?"

"For scaring you. For losing the crew. For fucking everything up."

His tone made it clear that he wasn't just talking about this most recent incident. She sighed, regaining some composure, and regarded him warily.

"I'll admit that I was surprised when you said you wanted to end things. We've known each other for so long; fought so many times. I never thought you'd walk away so easily. I always thought we could work things out. I thought I..._we_ meant more than that to you." The hurt in her voice was unmistakable, and it pierced his heart.

"You do! Shepard, you have to know…you mean everything to me. When you were," he couldn't bring himself to say "_dead_", "gone, I was a wreck. I couldn't function. These past few months...being with you...it's been incredible." He bowed his head in embarrassment. "When things got so crazy and we weren't spending time together anymore, I panicked. I knew it didn't have anything to do with _us_, but I got lonely and frustrated…and then, that day by the mess hall, I just kind of lost it."

"But why? I never understood…"

He blew out a breath. "It was stupid. I hadn't seen you or talked to you in what seemed like forever, and then I saw you with Garrus and those guys, and I guess I got jealous. You were talking about something, and you didn't want to tell me what it was, and I was already feeling excluded, so…"

"Wait…that's why you were so upset? Because I wouldn't tell you what we were talking about?"

"In part, yeah, I guess."

Shepard started laughing. Just chuckling at first, but soon she was giggling uncontrollably, seemingly close to full-blown hysteria. Joker frowned, confused by her reaction.

"What's so funny?"

"You total idiot!" she said, punching him in the chest. His ribs protested vociferously.

"Ow! What the…what was that for?"

"Do you want to know the big secret?" Her tone was mocking, and it turned him a bit sullen. He had a feeling he was about to look like an even bigger jerk.

"I guess."

"I was planning a surprise birthday party for you. The big 3-0, right? I wanted to do something special because…well, you know." _Because it could be your last_, were the words that went unspoken between them. "I was trying to convince the crew that it would be fun, seeing as how they all think you're a total pain in the ass. Not that they're wrong."

"Oh." Joker was dumbfounded by this confession. He couldn't remember ever mentioning his birthday to Shepard. Of course, she could have easily ferreted it out, but he'd never even suspected.

Shepard cocked her head to the side. "But why didn't you come talk to me after that? I waited up that night, thinking you would at least come by..."

"I tried! You locked me out!"

"What are you talking about? I never locked you out!"

"Yes, you did! I came to your room that night looking for you, and I couldn't get in."

They looked at each other, puzzled, trying to solve the mystery. Then Joker remembered…no message when he'd tried the door, just blankness.

"Oh, shit! Shit!"

"What?"

"That was the night the security systems were breached. When I tried to get in, nothing happened. I thought you had locked me out, but the system was offline."

"So, all of this was just a big misunderstanding?"

"I guess so," Joker responded, glumly. "But, at least we worked it out now, right?" he added, hopefully.

"Jeff," Shepard replied, cautiously.

"Shepard, I'm sorry. I really am. I was going to tell you that weeks ago, but things just kept happening, and…"

"Jeff," she said again, and gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. "I believe you. Truly. But right now, we need to focus on getting the crew back. This isn't the time or place for this conversation."

At his crestfallen look, she added, "I'm not saying no. But we need to talk some more. Work some stuff out. Okay?"

He nodded, unhappily. "Okay."

She leaned in and kissed him on the lips…no tongue, but not a peck, either. It bolstered his spirits a bit.

"So, how badly are you hurt?" she asked when she pulled away.

"I'm pretty sure some ribs are cracked; maybe my wrist, as well." He held up the hand that was still bandaged from his adventure at the night club. "Nothing life-threatening."

"We can get you a splint for the wrist in the med bay. I don't know what to do about the ribs. Can you stand?"

"Yeah." She helped him to his feet. It hurt, but only when he breathed. Or moved.

"Can you fly?" The steely look he knew so well was returning to her eyes. She was compartmentalizing her personal stuff and gearing up to kick some major ass.

"Whenever you're ready, Commander." He was starting to feel like kicking some ass, himself.

"Good. 'Cause we have a crew to rescue."

* * *

><p>Not surprisingly, the journey through the Omega 4 relay didn't go exactly as planned. They emerged from the relay at FTL speeds into a minefield of debris. Despite decelerating as quickly as possible, it took some nifty flying on Joker's part to keep the Normandy from becoming one more hunk of space junk. Even so, the ship suffered significant damage on its way to crash landing on the Collector base. Shepard's team gathered in the comm room to plan their assault.<p>

He opened the comm channel, not wanting to be left out. The ship felt empty and ominous with the rest of the crew gone. He could hear them poring over the maps and schematics that EDI had provided and making plans. Then Shepard gave a pep talk – which in this case was more of a call to arms.

"Once we're in, they're going to throw everything they have at us. If we're weak, if we're slow, if we hesitate, we'll die. The Collectors attacked our ship. They took our crew; our friends. They think we're helpless. They're wrong! They started a war, but we're not here to finish it. We're here to make them regret – to show them and everyone else what happens when you go too far. No more running, and no more waiting. Let's hit them where they live."

There was silence over the comm, but Joker could imagine the electric atmosphere in that room. He was all the way in the cockpit, and the hair on his arms and neck was standing on end. Shepard's voice rang with strength and conviction, and he couldn't help but think that the Collectors had made a tragic mistake. They'd made this personal. And getting on Commander Shepard's bad side could be very detrimental to one's well-being.

She made one more stop by the cockpit before departing the ship. As she was about to leave, Joker grabbed her wrist.

"Hey…be careful, okay?"

"I'll do my best. Make sure the old girl's ready to fly when we get back, all right?" she replied with a cocky wink.

Joker didn't know all the details of what happened next, although he was able to monitor their progress via the radio chatter. They found and rescued the kidnapped crew members before they could be turned into Reaper goo. With Mordin as their escort, they made it back to the Normandy safely. At the core of the Collector base, Shepard and her team found out what their enemy had been doing with their human victims. They were processing them and turning them into an enormous human Reaper. Once they took it down, Shepard contacted him on the comm.

"Joker, get ready for a quick departure. I'm about to blow this place sky high."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

Just then, a different comm channel lit up…the direct line to and from the Illusive Man. He knew this couldn't be anything good, but he couldn't just ignore the boss.

"Commander, I've got an incoming signal from the Illusive Man. EDI's patching it through."

He listened with chagrin to the Illusive Man's proposal that they destroy the Collectors but preserve their technology to study and use. Shepard was hearing none of it. TIM grew more and more agitated, finally calling on Miranda to intervene on Cerberus' behalf. To Joker's astonishment, the formerly loyal agent sided with Shepard. They set the charge to destroy the base and began a hasty evacuation.

The subsequent events weren't entirely clear to Joker from where he was sitting. From what Shepard told him later, the human Reaper wasn't quite as dead as they'd thought. When they finally managed to defeat it for good, the resulting explosion rocked the platforms they'd been standing on. He heard a lot of noise, and then nothing. He couldn't raise Shepard on the comm. It was just like after the battle at the Citadel, and it wasn't doing good things for his stress level. He kept working the radio.

"Do you copy? Commander? Come on, Shepard. Don't leave me hanging."

Finally he heard, "I'm here, Joker," and his heart started beating again. "Did the ground team make it?"

"Everyone's here but you. Bring it home, Shepard."

The next thing he knew, there were more gunshots and explosions through his earpiece. "We're on our way," Shepard told him, breathing hard. They were clearly on the run, once more.

"EDI, take control," Joker ordered. "I've had about enough of these guys."

He struggled out of his chair and made his way to the airlock, grabbing a rifle as he went. He knew the kickback was going to be hell on his battered ribs, but he didn't care. They'd attacked his ship, stolen the crew and done their best to kill the woman he loved…multiple times. Enough was enough.

He threw open the hatch and pushed Jacob aside. "Distraction, my ass," he muttered under his breath as he opened fire. The team was coming at them on the run – Miranda in front, Jack in the middle and Shepard bringing up the rear. The first two made it across safely and jumped inside. Just as Shepard started across, a piece of debris fell and took out the platform between her and the ship. She stowed her weapon and dug in, relying on the cover fire Joker and Jacob were providing. She reached the end of the last platform and leapt for all she was worth.

Joker flashed back to the day the Normandy had exploded…Shepard falling right in front of him and him being helpless to do anything to help her. Not this time. He dropped the rifle and stretched his hand out as far as he could. Their eyes met in the instant before her hand hit the hull and he grabbed her wrist. The pull of her weight on his arm was excruciating, but he refused to let go. She got a grip with her other hand and then Garrus was beside him, yanking her up.

He fell back, panting but elated, as she flopped onto her back on the floor. "Go," she gasped, "we need to go!"

"Detonation in ten…nine…eight…" EDI informed them as Joker limped as quickly as he could back to the cockpit.

"Yeah, I got it EDI, thanks. Everybody hold on," he informed them as he retook his seat and prepared to get them as far away from the impending blast as possible.

They made it through the relay just in time. He turned the ship over to EDI, unsure of their next destination, but happy to drift aimlessly for now. He traipsed back over the bridge and was surprised to see Shepard still sprawled on the floor, the others gathered around her.

"Shepard, what…?" And then he saw the blood pooling under her. He fell to his knees by her side. "You're hurt!"

"Just a nick." She tried to smile but it was more of a grimace.

"I'll get the doc."

"No." She grabbed his arm. "I can walk. Help me up."

In the end, Garrus carried her down to the med bay to be checked out by Dr. Chakwas.

"The bullet went straight through," the doc assured them once she'd examined the wound. "Lots of blood, but little damage. Should heal fully, but it'll leave a scar."

"One more for the collection."

"I sent you that information on the laser upgrade for the med bay…"

"No," Shepard interrupted. "I have better things to spend my credits on."

Chakwas shrugged and let it go while she finished bandaging Shepard's injury. She was feeling a little emotional about her near death experience and clearly in no mood to argue with her rescuer.

"You came for us," she said gratefully, as she tended to Joker's ribs. "I knew you would. You're true friends."

* * *

><p>Once they were both patched up, Shepard hobbled to the comm room where she had one last hostile chat with the Illusive Man. Harsh words were spoken, threats exchanged, and Shepard ultimately hung up on the prick. Joker sighed in resignation. He guessed this meant that Cerberus would be repossessing their ship. Although, considering the shape it was in now, he didn't think they'd get much trade-in value on it anymore. He was once again a pilot without a vessel, although this time he still had the commander. A far preferable alternative, to his mind.<p>

Afterwards, they retreated to Shepard's quarters. She was propped up on the sofa because she'd refused to go to bed. "Too much work to be done," she'd protested. He was reviewing the status reports as they came in to her private terminal. The adrenaline was wearing off and they were both a little loopy on pain meds.

"Not too good," he informed her. "Most systems are at 60% or less."

"Do you think you can get us to Illium?"

"Probably."

"Good." She let her head fall back on the pillow and closed her eyes. "I have an idea."


	7. All For You

"_Finally I figured out_

_But it took a long, long time_

_Now there's a turn about_

_Maybe 'cause I'm trying  
><em>

_There's been times, I'm so confused_

_But all my roads, they lead to you_

_I just can't turn and walk away"_

**All For You - Sister Hazel**

* * *

><p>The trip to Illium took much longer than usual. They'd sealed off the areas with major hull breaches and completed what minor repairs they could, but Joker still didn't trust the Normandy to go FTL. He took it slow and easy. Things on the ship were quiet. They'd accomplished what they'd set out to do, and no one was ready yet to think about what came next. The crew was exhausted, but satisfied.<p>

He quietly took up residence in Shepard's quarters again. Mostly, they just slept and healed. They didn't discuss the state of their relationship. They didn't have sex. They just co-existed peacefully, and for now, that was enough.

Shepard got in touch with Liara and they had a long conversation. She seemed pleased when it was done, but wouldn't tell him why.

She stopped by the cockpit the evening before their planned arrival at Nos Astra.

"How are things going?" he asked.

She was standing with her arms draped over the back of his chair, absently rubbing his shoulders as she stared out the window. She seemed relaxed, if a bit distracted.

"Okay. I've just been trying to figure out what to do about the crew, my team and the Normandy. I don't think the Illusive Man considers us valued members of the Cerberus family any longer," she smirked. "But I'll be damned before I give up my ship without a fight."

"And how about you and me?"

"Hmm?" She pulled her eyes away from the view and focused on him for the first time. "Oh, I've made some arrangements for us, as well." She gave him an impish grin.

"That sounds intriguing. Still no hints?"

"Nope."

"You're cruel."

She shrugged, unperturbed by the mild rebuke. "Yep."

* * *

><p>When they disembarked at Nos Astra, there was an asari waiting to greet them. She approached Shepard and handed her a package. They spoke briefly. Shepard nodded, and three humans appeared from out of nowhere. They boarded the Normandy.<p>

"Hey, what's going on?" he inquired, alarmed.

"Don't worry. They'll take good care of her. She's going to get some repairs, and get stowed away someplace safe. For now, anyway."

Joker was not completely appeased by this, but he had no choice but to trust her. Either that, or chain himself to the cockpit.

Shepard turned to the hundred or so crew that were milling about. She thanked them for their service and advised them that passage would be arranged for them to wherever they wished to go. She assured them that she had contact information for those who had chosen to provide it, and she would be in touch if their services were required. Most of them looked lost and morose. Joker could relate – that was how the crew of the first Normandy had felt after the explosion. When you dedicated yourself to something for so long, it was hard to know what to do with yourself when it was over. The asari representative said, "Follow me, please," and retreated, swiftly. The troops trailed after her, glumly.

That left about twenty of them remaining on the dock. Shepard had arranged for Grunt to return to Tuchunka – the krogan was eager to be reunited with Clan Urdnot and continue his education in the ways of his people. Joker had to admit that he was relieved to see him go. He'd always felt that Grunt was violent and unstable, even by krogan standards. But Shepard seemed saddened by his departure. She made him promise to keep in touch and to give her regards to Wrex. Legion disappeared without a word, off to do whatever it was that geth did. Not even Shepard appeared too disappointed about that. Her alliance with the geth had always been uneasy, at best.

Shepard addressed those that remained.

"Okay, folks…here's the deal. I've arranged for an all-expenses paid vacation for the rest of you here on Illium. Inside this envelope, I have keys to deluxe accommodations, as well as a credit chit. This world is your playground. Eat, drink, shop…have a good time. You've earned it."

There were excited murmurs as this news travelled through the crowd. Joker leaned in and whispered, "Uh, Shepard? Who's paying for all of this?"

"Our good friends at Cerberus, of course," she replied.

"Uh-huh. And are they aware of this, by any chance?"

"Not exactly," she responded as the crew lined up one by one to take possession of their key cards and credit chits before meandering off in pairs or small groups. When there was only one key and one chit left, and they were standing alone, he said, "Liara's handiwork?"

"Of course."

"Are we going to go to jail for this?"

"Only if we get caught."

"And the chances of that are?"

"Slim. Liara's very good at what she does, or so she informs me." She dangled the lanyard attached to the last remaining card from her finger with a seductive smile. "Only one key left. Looks like we're going to have to bunk together."

"Such a shame."

"Isn't it, though?"

* * *

><p>They soon discovered that Liara had reserved an entire floor in her former apartment building for the crew, while granting Shepard access to her own ex-residence. Joker let out a soft whistle as they entered the foyer.<p>

"Not too shabby, huh?" Shepard inquired.

"Not at all," he agreed. It was two stories with floor to ceiling windows overlooking the city. The first floor had an ample living room with a huge video screen, as well as a kitchen and dining area; and the top floor consisted of an open loft with a sleeping area, bathroom, and a closet bigger than his sleeping quarters on the Normandy.

They dropped their meager possessions on the floor and wandered through, getting acclimated. The refrigerator was filled with milk, eggs, bread, sliced meats and cheeses, and fresh fruit and vegetables. The freezer was stocked with prepared meals that needed only to be reheated.

"That Liara," Shepard said, affectionately. "She thought of everything."

The bed had fresh linens and the closet was stocked with soft, fluffy towels. The bathroom had an oversized tub large enough for two, with water jets dotting its circumference.

"I guess I didn't survive that whole Collector thing, because now I know I have died and gone to heaven," Joker remarked, appreciatively.

"Good?" Shepard asked, expectantly.

"Being here with you? Couldn't be better. The last time I had a vacation…hell, I can't remember the last time I had a vacation. Not since I've been working for you."

"Yes, well, if you can convince the Reapers to take some time off, then I'll be happy to pass along the favor."

"Is that what's going on now? The Reapers are giving us a reprieve?"

She sighed. "No. But you know what? The universe is going to have to look after itself for a little while. I'm fucking tired."

"Understood, Commander." He stepped closer, taking her in his arms and kissing her softly. "This is amazing. Thank you."

"Hmm. You might need to display your gratitude in a more convincing way, Lieutenant," she teased, wrapping her arms around his neck and sliding her fingers into his hair.

So he did.

* * *

><p>Joker woke the next morning feeling sore, but satisfied. Sex had been a tentative affair - both of them desperate for each other after so long, but needing to be cautious due to their mending injuries. In retrospect, he thought that maybe it was a good thing. It had forced them to take their time and savor the experience.<p>

He reached out for Shepard, but her side of the bed was empty. It was then that he became aware of the tantalizing aromas of freshly brewed coffee and frying bacon rising up the stairs. He pulled on his boxers and padded downstairs.

Shepard was in the kitchen, wearing only one of his t-shirts and lacy underwear. Her hair was pulled into a loose knot. A steaming mug of coffee sat next to the stove as she tended to the sizzling bacon.

"The woman not only kicks ass, but she can cook, too."

She turned and gave him a warm smile. "It's scrambled eggs and bacon. I don't think that necessarily counts as 'cooking'."

"It does in my book." He gave her a kiss and then pilfered a bite of eggs from the pan. "Mmm. Have I mentioned that you're amazing? I love you."

The declaration slipped out casually, but it froze them both in place, momentarily. Then one corner of Shepard's mouth turned up and she raised an eyebrow.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"What was what?"

"Did you just say 'I love you'?"

"I think you must have heard wrong."

"No, I'm pretty sure you said 'I love you'."

"You know what? I must have misspoke. I meant to say, I love you in that outfit. Very sexy."

"Hmm. But what you actually said was 'I love you'."

He sighed in surrender. "Fine. I said it. It's not like this is news to you, is it?"

"No. But it's still nice to hear." She flipped the bacon, and then turned off the burner. "You've never actually said it before."

"What? Sure I have," he insisted, although he knew he hadn't. Not even during sex.

"Oh, yeah? When?"

"There was that time…"

"Uh huh."

"When we were in the cockpit…or maybe we were in your room."

"Give it up." She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

"Okay, maybe I never said it before. But neither have you."

"I know. I was afraid you'd get all squirmy and panicky like you are right now."

"I am not squirmy!" he protested, squirming.

"Mm hmm."

"Look, I'll say it again. I love you."

She kissed him again, a little longer this time. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

"I love you."

Another kiss - lingering and passionate, tongues tangling. "Say again?"

"I love you, Shepard." His voice was gruff and he brushed back a loose strand of hair from her face as he spoke.

She grinned, triumphantly. "I know. I love you, too." Another quick kiss, then, "Let's eat."

* * *

><p>They were cleaning up the remnants of their meal when Shepard said, "So, you know I'm not really a big fan of talking about feelings and stuff like that."<p>

"Yep, I know. It's one of the things I _love_ about you."

"Okay, you can give it a rest now. But the thing is, I think we still need to talk about what happened before. You know - the fight and everything."

Joker sighed. "Come on, Shep. Can't we just let it go? We kissed and made up...literally. Everything's good."

"Going into this, I wasn't really worried about us communicating," she continued, as if he hadn't spoken. "We've always been able to talk. But I guess relationship stuff is different."

"Yeah, I guess."

"I've always understood why there are regs against fraternizing with the crew. The obvious concern is that the commanding officer will give their lover preferential treatment. But in my case, I was so worried about doing that, I went too far in the other direction. I was leaving you out of the loop. Not intentionally, but I'd think to myself, 'I should go fill Joker in on this,' and then I'd think, 'Well, I'll just tell him later, when we're alone.' But then, we weren't getting any time alone, and you weren't being apprised of things, and you should have been, because you're the pilot and an important part of the crew, and…"

"Whoa, whoa…take a breath, Shep. It's okay."

"I was aware of what was happening, but I didn't realize how much it was affecting you."

"I know. I should have said something before things got so out of hand."

"Why didn't you?" Her tone wasn't accusatory, just curious.

"I don't know. It seemed really uncool to be whining to you about stuff like that when you had so much to worry about."

She considered that. "Well, I think that should have been my decision to make, right? I mean, I might have told you to grow a pair and quit your bitching, but at least I would have known about it."

"I suppose."

"It would have been better than what ended up happening."

"Yeah."

"Maybe the reason these kinds of relationships don't usually work out is because there's an inherent imbalance of power. I mean, I'm your boss, basically."

"Only because I choose to work for you."

"Joker…"

"What? It's true. This isn't the military anymore, Shep. I'm with you because I want to be. I follow your orders because I trust your judgment. Besides, whoever said that relationships are supposed to be equal?"

She looked at him, quizzically. "Uh…_everyone_?"

"That may be some kind of ideal, but think about it…do you know of any real relationships that work like that? My parents have been married for almost forty years, and the only decisions my father makes are the ones my mother allows him to make. Don't get me wrong - if he feels strongly about something, he'll speak up. But he chooses his battles rather than fighting over every little thing. I figure our relationship works pretty much the same way."

"Only your dad obviously doesn't just quit on your mom when he gets mad," she said, softly.

And this, he knew, was the crux of the matter. Shepard valued loyalty over all else, and he knew she cared far less about their fight than about the fact that he'd said he wanted out. "I don't know why I said that, Shep. I didn't mean it. I regretted it as soon as I said it. I was wrong, and I apologize. I promise it won't ever happen again. If I have a problem with you, woman, you're going to hear about it!"

She grinned. "Yeah?"

"Absolutely."

"And I promise to do the same."

"Fantastic."

* * *

><p>Talk finished and kitchen cleaned, they went into the living room to examine Liara's vid collection. She had quite an extensive assortment. Joker couldn't remember the last time he'd seen a movie. Between being in a coma and fighting Collectors, he didn't think that Shepard was much more up-to-date. He was running through the list at high speed when something caught his eye. "<em>Shepard, Space Hero<em>."

"Whoa, what's this?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Never heard of it."

He looked at the description – it looked like a low-budget earth movie that had been made shortly before Shepard's death. "Want to check it out?"

"Sure."

They flopped onto either ends of the couch, legs intertwined. Shepard pulled a blanket over them.

The movie's introduction rolled…fake looking backdrops of space with the actor's names. He didn't recognize any of them, but that didn't mean much. Then a very buxom blond wearing very little filled the screen. She was striding purposefully through what Joker assumed was supposed to be a spaceship, an equally good-looking male actor at her side.

"Whoa! Is that supposed to be me?" Shepard asked, incredulous.

As it turned out, it was. The movie was based very loosely on the events leading up to the battle at the Citadel, but it was mostly an excuse for the actress playing Shepard to go topless and fool around with all of her crew members…male and female.

"Wow, this is an excellent piece of cinematography," Joker remarked as movie Shepard started getting it on with an "asari," who was obviously just another human female painted blue.

His amusement soon vanished when the pilot on the fictional Normandy turned out to be a grossly disfigured man with bad makeup that evidently signified some kind of horrible skin condition.

"Hey!" he objected, as Shepard laughed so hard she almost fell off the couch.

On screen, Shepard worked her way through the galaxy – and her cast mates – until the final climactic scene. She defeated Saren and shared a sloppy kiss with the handsome lieutenant while the hapless pilot went up in flames with the ship.

"Man, that was terrible," Joker remarked as he turned it off.

"What happened to 'excellent cinematography?'" Shepard smirked.

"Hmph."

"I think it's kind of funny that they got it exactly wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, in the movie, Shepard sleeps with the entire crew, except the pilot. In real life…" she trailed off with a shrug.

"What? You're saying you've only slept with the pilot?"

She looked surprised. "Well, yeah. Why, who else did you think I was involved with?"

"Nobody in particular."

"Joker."

"No, really. I just thought that you might have had something going on but you kept it discreet, you know?"

"What, like you?" she asked, shooting him a knowing glance.

Now it was his turn to be surprised. "Me?"

"Yeah. I know you had something going with one or two of the female crew on the old Normandy. You kept it quiet and it never interfered with the mission, so it wasn't a problem."

He was flabbergasted. She was right, of course, but he'd never suspected that she'd known. He'd had a few casual hook-ups with sergeants who'd been impressed with his rank, or his flying skills, or his relationship with the commander - thinking that they could use him to garner her favor - but he'd always ended them before they could turn into anything serious. The last one had concluded abruptly when he'd been sitting with the woman (her name had been Mara, or Marie, or something like that) and Shepard had stopped by to chat. He'd sprung away from his date's side, feeling unreasonably guilty. Shepard had made polite small talk with both of them before giving him instructions for the next day and walking away. He'd torn his eyes away from her retreating form only to find his companion shaking her head and giving him a disgusted look.

"Why don't you just tell her, already?" she'd asked before making her own huffy retreat.

He'd been embarrassed by his transparency and decided to cool it with the sexual encounters. He hadn't wanted word to get out all over the ship that he was gaga over the commander.

"What about Kaidan?" he asked, in order to take the focus off of himself.

"Kaidan?"

"Yeah. You know, that night you, Kaidan, and Ash went to that nightclub, and you and Kaidan stayed out all night?"

Her eyes narrowed. "Were you spying on us?"

"No! It's my job to review the logs, remember?"

"Mmm." She still looked suspicious, but she let it drop. "You're talking about the night on the Citadel, right? The night I tried to get you to come with us?"

"Yeah."

She shifted, and a few toes appeared from under the blanket. The nails were purple now. "We went to that club. Flux. Of course, the guys were all over Ash as soon as she walked through the door." Shepard smiled at the recollection. "Kaidan and I sat at the bar and ordered a drink. We were trying to talk, but we could barely hear ourselves over the music. Ash was dancing and having a great time, but it wasn't really my scene. I told Kaidan that I was going to go back to the ship, and he suggested that we take a walk. So I said okay."

Joker was sensing that he might not like where this story was headed, but he had initiated it. He reached for her stray foot, pulling it back under the blanket, massaging the arch. He found himself craving the contact, suddenly.

"We left the Wards and walked to the Presidium. It was so beautiful at night, and quiet. You could hear the fountains; smell the flowers; see the stars. It was one of those perfect moments. Kaidan kissed me."

Her gaze was distracted now as she got lost in the memory. "He told me that he cared about me and asked me if I would spend the night with him. I said yes."

Joker tried very hard to relax and control his breathing. She'd said she _hadn't _been with Kaidan, right? Besides, even if she had, it was a long time ago and the poor guy was dead now.

"We got a room and started fooling around, but when it came right down to it, I couldn't do it. Part of it was that I knew it wasn't right for a commander to sleep with an officer. But if it had just been that, I probably would have done it, anyway."

Her eyes refocused on Joker. "Mostly, it was that I knew that he felt more for me than I felt for him. I didn't want to hurt him."

She shrugged. "He was a gentleman about it. We stayed up most of the night talking. Then I slept in the bed and he slept on the couch. And that was it."

Joker had to ask. "And what about Virmire?"

Now he felt Shepard tense as her expression hardened. "Virmire. My biggest failing as a commander."

"What do you mean?"

"When I realized that I was going to have to choose between Kaidan and Ash, I froze. Completely. Kaidan was in my ear, insisting that I choose Ash, going on and on, not letting up. So I did it. I chose Ash, and I left him. I let him make the decision that I couldn't make. It's haunted me ever since."

Joker spoke carefully, his tone gentle. "No matter what you did, you were going to have regrets. You had to leave a member of your crew behind. There was no right or wrong choice."

"True. But I should have had the courage to make it myself. I've tried to accept it, but when I saw Ash on Horizon, the misgivings came back again. I saved her life, and she still doubted me! Kaidan would have believed in me - trusted me - despite the Cerberus association. Or maybe not." She gave a mirthless laugh. "Hell, I don't know anymore."

"Ash should have known better. But look at all of us who _did_ know better – me, Garrus, Tali, Liara. Even the doc. Not to mention all the new lunatics you recruited." That got a chuckle, so he continued, "If Ash wants to doubt you, that's her loss. See if we let her go on any more suicide missions with us in the future."

"Yeah. That'll teach her."

"Damn straight."

She shook her head as if that could erase the doubts. "Enough talk for now. Want to go try out the tub?"

* * *

><p>Getting into the tub turned out to be easier said than done. It took them about 30 seconds to get undressed, since neither of them was fully clothed. It took them another five minutes to remove their assorted bandages. In the meantime, the tub almost overflowed and they had to drain some of the water out before they got in. Shepard's bullet wound was healing nicely, but Joker's ribs were still tightly bound. He was sure the doc wouldn't approve of them removing their dressings, but what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. His right hand remained splinted and he rested it on the edge of the tub to keep it dry. But once he slid in and felt the warm water massaging his aching form, all the effort was worth it. Shepard slipped in after him, her back to his chest, resting against him. He wrapped his left arm around her.<p>

"Mmmm, this is nice," she sighed.

He merely nodded in agreement. He closed his eyes, resting his head against the wall. He could feel Shepard relax, though the water kept her weight from pressing too heavily against him. They stayed like that for five minutes, then ten, neither of them saying anything. He shifted his position, dislodging his arm from the spot where it was wedged between Shepard and the side of the tub, and his fingers slid over wet flesh. Suddenly, he was feeling a lot more alert. He moved his hand slowly along her thigh, caressing the outside, moving slowly inward. He could feel her tense in his embrace.

"Jeff," she said, but it wasn't really a protest. In response, he took her earlobe into his mouth and nibbled gently. She sighed and tilted her head to the side to allow him better access.

He continued to nip and lick at her ear and neck as his hand worked slowly between her thighs. She moaned and pushed against him, encouraging him to move faster, but he continued his deliberate pace. He was working with his non-dominant hand and didn't have the same dexterity as usual, but being a trained pilot, he was better with his off-hand than most. He thought he would still be able to get the job done.

His fingers were nestled between her legs now, and he slid one finger gently inside. Shepard inhaled, sharply. Her hips rocked against his hand, seeking more contact, and he slid another finger inside as his index finger rubbed soft circles against her nub.

Shepard's breath was coming faster now and she writhed against him as her body arched in response to his attentions. "Oh, god, Jeff…that feels so good." He never liked his name quite so much as he did when it fell from Shepard's lips in the throes of passion. He was growing hard now, his erection pressing against her back. Her arousal turned him on.

Water sloshed rhythmically against the walls of the tub as he stroked her, gradually increasing the pressure and pace until with a cry and a shudder, she climaxed. He smiled and kissed her neck gently as her head flopped back against his shoulder.

"Good?"

"Mmm." Her face and chest were flushed and damp from the water as well as the exertion. The rise and fall of her chest slowed as her breathing returned to normal. She roused slowly from her stupor and opened her beautiful eyes, gazing up at him in appreciation.

"Ambidextrous, even? I'm impressed."

"Not quite."

"Close enough." She glanced behind her, where the evidence of his desire was pressing against her flesh. "I'd like to return the favor."

"I won't object."

"Not here. I'd rather not drown. Let's go into the bedroom."

"Whatever you say." They climbed out and stood dripping on the mat. Shepard grabbed a towel and wrapped it around them. She pressed her wet body against his, letting her tongue flick against his top lip, then his bottom. She continued rubbing him with the towel as she teased, never allowing him to capture her nimble tongue for more than a few seconds. He growled in frustration.

"In due time," she promised him, with a wicked grin.

She took his hand and led him to the bed, then pressed gently on his chest until he fell backwards, on top of the mattress. She climbed atop of him, straddling his thighs. One of her hands captured both of his wrists over his head, and his heart began to race. She was strong, but she probably wouldn't have been capable of holding him there if he'd really been trying to get away - which he wasn't. He reveled in the sensation of being restrained and under her control.

She continued the torture, licking and kissing his neck; his ears; his lips. She ran her other hand gently along his side, raising goose flesh in its wake. His sore ribs ached a bit from the extension of his arms, but the pleasure of her touch more than compensated. She shifted over him, and their eyes met. He saw the mischievousness there, her intent to torment and tease him; but also, ultimately, her desire to please him the way that he'd pleasured her.

Finally, she released his wrists and slid along the length of his body, trailing moist kisses that dried as the cool air wafted across them in her wake. Her tongue followed the line of hair that led from his navel to his now throbbing erection. She took him into her warm, wet mouth and he groaned with the pleasure of it. She continued to tantalize, taking him deep in her mouth, and then releasing him to lick up and down his length, and all around the tip. He was panting with the effort of restraint, the line between pleasure and pain so deliciously blurred, as it always was with this woman.

"Shepard, please…" he managed.

"Please what?" she inquired, innocently.

He couldn't even articulate any longer. He just knew he needed release. "Please…" he tried again.

"Since you asked so nicely." She hastily sheathed him with a condom he hadn't even seen her acquire and straddled him again, this time guiding him inside of her. He closed his eyes and reached for her hips, leading her in the rhythm that his body craved. She obliged, rising and falling slowly at first, but increasing the tempo rapidly as his fingers dug into her flesh, urging her faster. He was aware only of the tension in his muscles and the building pressure down below until that blissful point of no return.

Afterwards, he lay still, his tendons slowly uncoiling, and he was vaguely aware of Shepard climbing off of him. His eyes remained closed for several moments as he recovered. When he opened them, she was lying beside him, grinning.

"You are so evil," he admonished her, affectionately.

"And you love it."

"You got that right." He removed the condom as she handed him some tissues from the nightstand. He tossed the bundle into the bedside trash and fell back onto the pillows, exhausted. "I need a nap."

"Sounds good to me," she said as she curled up beside him. He heaved a contented sigh and started to say something else, but he drifted away before he could think of what it was.

* * *

><p>Joker awoke, disoriented. The room was shrouded in shadows. They'd left lights on downstairs, and the illumination kept the total darkness at bay. He looked at the clock - they'd only been asleep for about an hour or so. Shepard was still burrowed against him, one arm thrown across his abdomen. His left arm was pinned under her and it was numb from the shoulder down. He winced as he tried to shift her weight, and she stirred with a grumble.<p>

"Sorry," he murmured, kissing the top of her head. "My arm's asleep."

She muttered something incoherent as she buried her face against his shoulder. This freed his arm from the elbow down, at least, and he flexed it to restore the circulation. It tingled uncomfortably as the blood began to flow again.

Joker noticed the light on her computer terminal blinking furiously from its spot atop the desk in the corner of the room. "Looks like there are people who wish to speak with you," he informed her.

"Mmm." She didn't open her eyes.

"Are you hungry?"

This roused her, slightly. They hadn't eaten since breakfast, and Shepard had the metabolism of a rabid varren. She rolled away from him and stretched, languorously.

"I could eat."

"Why don't you check your messages while I go see about dinner?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I wouldn't expect too much, but I'm sure I'm capable of heating something up."

"Okay." She kissed him and hopped out of bed, pulling a t-shirt over her head. She was already seated in front of the terminal by the time he pulled on his clothes and headed downstairs.

He found two individual portions of lasagna in the freezer and put them in the oven to defrost. There were ingredients for a salad in the refrigerator, and he chopped those into a bowl. He found a bottle of red wine and uncorked it to let it breathe. He set the table, but couldn't find any candles. However, all the fixtures were equipped with rheostats, so he dimmed the lights. Leaving the lasagna to finish warming, he climbed the stairs again.

"It's almost ready," he informed Shepard as he crossed the room behind her. She must have been engrossed in whatever she was reading, because she startled before quickly clicking the screen to close the message.

"Keeping secrets again, huh? Corresponding with your other lover on Tuchunka?"

She laughed. "You caught me. I can't resist a hulking alien with anger management issues."

"What woman could, really? Ready to eat?"

"Absolutely."

When she caught sight of the dining room, she said, "Wow, look at this! Fancy."

He pulled a chair out for her, and then retrieved the wine from the counter, filling both of their glasses. He removed the lasagna from the oven and spooned it onto the plates. As he placed one in front of her, he said, "It looks more impressive than it really is."

"Well, I'm impressed, nonetheless."

They ate and chatted benignly, telling silly stories about the crew.

"Oh, man, I totally wish I could have been there for that! 'You talk too much' and _kablam! _You blew that krogan up!"

"_Kablam?_ What am I, the villain in one of your comic books?" Shepard asked, amused.

"Or, when you headbutted that krogan...what was his name, Gulag?"

Shepard laughed. "Gatatog. Gatatog Uvenk. I'll admit, that was fun. There's nothing like a good headbutt once in a while."

"Now you sound like Grunt." Joker sighed. "I have to admit, it'd be cool to actually go with you on a mission someday."

"Well, as far as Tuchunka goes, you aren't missing much. It's not going to make the list of top 100 vacation destinations anytime soon. And getting shot at all the time isn't all it's cracked up to be. I just have a way of making it look like a lot more fun than it really is."

"That you do."

"Besides, you kicked some Collector ass back at their base...without ever stepping foot off the Normandy, I might add."

"Yeah. I put a few holes in those bastards, didn't I?"

"Absolutely."

Shepard rose to clear their empty plates, but he motioned for her to stay put and removed them himself. He rummaged in the fridge and pulled out a platter.

"I don't know what this is, but it looks like chocolate, so I figured you'd like it."

He put two portions of the dessert onto small plates and brought it to the table. Shepard took one bite and moaned with pleasure.

"Hey! I thought I was the only one who could make you sound like that."

"Oh, my god. This is amazing!"

He took a bite. It was chocolate, all right…chocolate cake with chocolate mousse and whipped topping with chocolate shavings. A little rich for his taste, but Liara obviously knew Shepard's weaknesses as well as he did. She devoured hers and gazed longingly at his plate.

"Here," he said, pushing it towards her. It disappeared as quickly as the first, and afterwards, she pushed the plate away and sighed happily.

"Yum."

"Come on," he said, grabbing what remained of the bottle of wine and his glass. "Let's go in the other room. We can clean up later."

Shepard picked up her glass and followed. They settled onto the couch, fully sated from the food and a little buzzed from the wine. Shepard put on some music as they cuddled under the blanket. All in all, it was the perfect ending to a delightfully pleasant day. When the wine was gone and Shepard was starting to doze, he managed to herd her up the stairs and into bed.


	8. I'm Feeling You

"_Well, we're rarely ever sane_

_I drive you crazy, and you do the same_

_But your fire fills my soul_

_And it warms me up like no one knows"_

**I'm Feeling You – Santana w/Michelle Branch**

* * *

><p>They spent the next day much like the one before…eating, resting, watching movies. By the end of the day, he could tell that the confinement was starting to get to Shepard. So he wasn't surprised that evening when she said, "You know, the day after tomorrow is the big day." She was seated at the desk, going through her messages. Joker was in the bathroom, brushing his teeth.<p>

He spat toothpaste into the sink and said, "What big day?"

She gave him an incredulous look. "C'mon."

He thought for a minute, and then it came to him. "Oh. That."

"Wow, such enthusiasm. It's your 30th birthday! Aren't you excited? Wouldn't you like to do something special?"

"Okay." He dried his face with the towel and began to leave the bathroom, but then paused, reconsidering. He went back and rinsed the glob of toothpaste out of the sink. He didn't have a lot of experience cohabitating with women, but he was learning.

"I was thinking we could go someplace nice for dinner." She stood and stretched as he shut off the light in the bathroom and crossed the room to the bed. "Hey, can I borrow a tee? I need to do some laundry. Oh, I have an idea! We can go shopping tomorrow and buy clothes so we can get all dressed up to go out and celebrate!"

"Sure."

"Again, with the enthusiasm," she remarked, dryly.

"Take what you want," he replied, waving vaguely in the direction of his duffel. "But I don't know why you insist on wearing clothes to bed. It's a waste of time."

"Yeah, I'm sure that the five seconds it takes you to get me naked are a real inconvenience," she retorted as she dug through his bag. She pulled out a shirt, and something rattled to the ground. "Hey, what's this?"

When he recognized what she held in her hand, his heart sank in apprehension. She looked at him, bewildered. "How did you get my dog tags?"

"When Cerberus came looking for me after you got spaced, I didn't believe them when they told me you were still alive," he explained, reluctantly. "They gave me your dog tags as evidence." He released a rueful laugh. "I don't know why I thought that proved anything. It was far more likely that they had removed them from your corpse. But I _wanted_ to believe. You know?"

"I think so," she said, quietly.

"I've been meaning to give them back to you. It just never seemed like the right time." He shifted his eyes away from hers. "It's not something I like to think about. Especially because…"

"Because?" she prodded, gently.

"Because it was my fault."

"What are you talking about?"

"If you hadn't come back for me, you wouldn't have gotten spaced," he whispered, staring down at the sheets.

"Oh, Jeff." She came and sat next to him on the bed, the chain entwined in her fingers. "Is that what you think? All this time, you've been carrying that around?" She reached out and gently caressed his cheek, but he didn't respond or look up.

"I'm the commander," she continued, firmly. "It's my job to make sure the crew are safe. You're the pilot. It's your job to stay with the ship; to hold her together as long as you can. If you hadn't done what you did, we would have lost so many more people that day. You did your job; I did mine. The only blame lies with the ones who did this, the Collectors. Don't take that on yourself."

When he was finally able to meet her gaze, he could see that she was being sincere. But three years of guilt couldn't be wiped away in an instant.

He asked the questions that had haunted him for so long. "Did it hurt? Were you scared?"

She sighed, leaning back against the headboard. "During the attack, I was just focused on getting everyone onto the shuttles. Once I got thrown clear of the ship, an eerie calm settled over me. It was so cold, and silent. I was wondering how long I could float out there, if the Collectors would come back around, or if a rescue ship would pick me up. Then I noticed that my suit had been punctured by shrapnel."

"Once I realized I was losing oxygen, I panicked a little. Suffocating is…unpleasant. I remember thinking that I was grateful that the crew was safe. I thought about our first kiss, on the Citadel. Do you remember that? I regretted not ever telling you what that meant to me." She paused, reminiscing. "But it was over quickly. I was unconscious before I entered Alchera's atmosphere, which was ultimately a blessing. I don't remember hitting the ground."

He was silent for a beat, considering. "I kept expecting you to say something about that kiss…you know, afterwards."

She shrugged. "Things were so crazy in the aftermath of Sovereign's destruction…all that stuff with the Council, and the press. By the time we were back on the ship and things were somewhat back to normal, it felt like too much time had gone by. And you never mentioned it, either. Plus, there was the whole fraternization thing. It seemed better to just leave it alone."

"I know. I felt the same way. I wanted to talk to you, but…"

"I think it kind of took me by surprise, too. I mean, the kiss was kind of spur of the moment. It was celebratory, not romantic. But when it happened, I realized…you remember when I told you about Kaidan and how he kissed me? It was nice, but I didn't feel anything like when you and I…"

She trailed off, regrouped. "I could tell that this was different. I wasn't sure I was ready for the ramifications of that."

"Then, when I came back from the dead, things were even more complicated. To me, the kiss had just happened. To you, two years had gone by! I didn't know how you felt about it, or me, or anything. But once we got back into a rhythm, I realized you were the same old Joker. And, well, I decided to take the chance."

"I'm very, very grateful that you did."

She smiled as she reached out and took his hand. "Look, Jeff…what's past is past. We got a rare second chance, and we're making up for lost time. But you have to promise me that you're going to try to let go of all that guilt. It doesn't do anyone any good. I don't blame you for what happened. I never did."

"Okay. I'll try." But in his heart, he knew it wasn't going to be as easy as that.

* * *

><p>The next morning, they went shopping. They strolled through the shopping district, examining wares in windows. Shepard found a shop that carried clothing for humans and bought some shorts, tees and other casual items. They found a collectibles store and browsed its cramped aisles for a while. Joker found a replica of the first Alliance ship to travel through the mass relays, which was extremely rare, and very expensive. Shepard paid for it with the forged Cerberus chit. They ate lunch in an outdoor café where they could watch the hustle and bustle of the city flow around them. Joker enjoyed it more than he would have expected. He'd traveled all over the galaxy, but he hadn't really seen that much of it. The energy of a bustling metropolis like Nos Astra was infectious. And the skyline was majestic.<p>

He was lingering over the dregs of his beer when Shepard said, "Whoa, look at what time it is. We need to go." She stood and started hastily gathering their purchases.

"What? Why? Go where?" He tossed back the last of the beer and stood to help her.

"We have an appointment."

"Where?" he asked again.

"You'll see."

They hurried to the taxi stand and called a cab. Once they'd settled in, Shepard input the address. Five minutes later, they arrived at a modest store front in a quiet part of town. The door was locked, but Shepard pressed the intercom and a voice said, "Yes?"

"Commander Shepard. I have an appointment."

The door buzzed and Shepard pulled it open. They entered a spacious room full of expensive looking clothes, all designed for humans. The room was divided with men's clothes on one side and women's on the other. An impeccably dressed and beautiful asari approached them, smiling.

"Commander Shepard! It is an honor to meet you!"

"Thank you for making time for us."

"Nonsense! Any friend of Liara's is a friend of mine. I am Alaina, the proprietor of this establishment. Here, let me take your bags." A human assistant appeared from nowhere and took possession of their things. "So, how can I be of assistance today?"

"We need some formal attire for a special occasion."

"Well, you've come to the right place. We have all the newest designer items straight from Earth." Alaina regarded Joker as if he were an item of used furniture that may or may not be emitting a foul odor. "How formal? Tux or suit?"

"A suit will be fine," Shepard assured her.

"Hmmm." The asari began running her hands over Joker. "Good definition through the shoulders and chest. I'd guess you're a 44, but we'll measure to be sure." Her hands continued down along his sides. "Waist is about a 36. We can find something fitted, but that will still camouflage any problem areas." Her hands lingered right above his waist as she said this.

Shepard nodded in agreement with the asari's words as he said, "Hey, wait a minute. What?"

He was still contemplating his "problem areas" as Alaina continued, "We'll go with something unpleated with a snugger inseam. It's very much the style right now." He was caught completely unprepared as she bent and ran her hands along the inside of his legs into a region where nobody but Shepard had visited in a long while. He quickly stepped back with a warding off gesture toward the saleswoman.

"Okay, hold on just a second. I don't have 'problem areas.' I'm in excellent shape. And nobody touches me there unless they buy me a beer first."

Shepard regarded him with amusement as Alaina stood with hands raised in a gesture of surrender. "I apologize. Let me select some items for you to try, and we can worry about the exact measurements afterwards." She retreated and he glared at Shepard, balefully.

"This is why I don't like clothes shopping."

"Because attractive sales people grope you?"

"And call me fat."

"She didn't call you fat."

"I'm not fat. I'm a soldier!"

"Who sits in a chair all day."

"Whoa, wait a minute! Are you calling me fat now?" He examined his waist in consternation. It looked the same as always.

Shepard sighed, rolling her eyes. "No one is calling you fat! Will you please just calm down?"

Alaina returned with some items and handed them to Joker. "Why don't you start with these? The fitting rooms are right over there." With a grumble, he accepted the clothing and went to get changed.

The rest of the appointment went more smoothly. With input from Shepard, Alaina helped him choose a black suit with an aqua colored shirt and a silk tie with varying shades of green and blue. The women seemed very impressed, and even he had to admit that he looked pretty damn good.

As he was returning from the dressing room with the suit over his arm, he heard Alaina say, "We can do the alterations now and have them done by the time we finish with your fitting." Shepard nodded as the doorbell rang once again. Alaina spoke into the intercom, and Joker thought he recognized the responding giggle. The door buzzed open and Kasumi bounded in.

"Oh, I missed Joker's fitting? Damn!" she exclaimed as she approached.

"Hey, Kaz," he greeted her. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm going to help Shepard pick out a dress so she can be all gorgeous for your date!"

He looked questioningly at Shepard, who explained, "I figured you would've had enough of clothes shopping by now. Kasumi can help me out if you just want to take our packages and head back to the apartment?"

"You sure you don't want me to wait? I don't mind."

"Nah, you'll be bored. Besides, this way, it'll be a surprise."

"Okay." He gave her a quick kiss. "You ladies have fun."

"Oh, we will," Kasumi assured him as she dragged Shepard towards the nearby racks. Joker shook his head and walked toward the front of the store where the assistant was straightening some merchandise.

"Would it be possible for me to collect our bags from you? Oh, and can you call a cab for me, too?"

"Certainly, sir!" She retrieved the packages from the back room and made the call. "Did you find what you were looking for today?"

"Yeah, I think so. I don't know much about fashion and stuff."

The girl grinned, sympathetically. "Most men don't. You're lucky. Your wife has good taste."

"Oh, she's not my…" he began, automatically, then stopped. "Yeah, she does. She chose me, after all."

"Indeed," the sales girl laughed. "If you don't mind me saying, you two seem very happy together."

"Yeah. Well, at least I am. I can't speak for her."

"She is. I can tell," she nodded, sagely. "I hope I'm that lucky someday."

"You will be," he responded, reflexively, although in all honestly, he doubted it. He didn't think too many people got as lucky as he and Shep.

"I'm Dahlia, by the way. Would you like anything while you wait? Water? Coffee?"

"No, I'm fine." He glanced down at the case she was cleaning, and something caught his eye. "Wait. Can I see that, please?" He pointed at the item and Dahlia unlocked the case and removed it.

"It's gorgeous, isn't it?"

It was a necklace with a diamond-shaped pendant the exact emerald of Shepard's eyes. In each of the four corners, there was a small diamond holding the mounting in place.

"The chain is platinum, so it looks delicate but it's extremely strong. The emerald is surrounded by four, quarter carat diamonds." She smiled, knowing she had him on the hook. "It would look fantastic on your wife."

He glanced over his shoulder, reassuring himself that Shepard was out of earshot. "How much is it?"

He almost keeled over when she told him the amount. It was over a month's pay. But he had years and years of salary in the bank, since all he did was work, and up until now, he'd had nothing - and no one - to spend it on.

"Okay," he said, surreptitiously sliding the girl his credit chit. "I'll take it."

"Excellent! I'll put it in a gift box for you." She quickly rang up the purchase. "She's going to love it."

"I sure hope so," he muttered as the door chimed once again to announce the cab's arrival. He gathered up his bags and, with a final peek over his shoulder, scurried out of the store.

* * *

><p>It was hours later before Shepard returned. He'd been sitting on the couch, flipping through the channels, when he'd come across one with the unmistakable soundtrack of something naughty. The channel itself was only static, so he was sitting there, trying to peer through the fuzziness, when he heard the front door open. In a panic, he stabbed at a button on the remote, but that only amplified the music tenfold. Shepard looked at him quizzically as she entered the room and draped two garment bags across the back of the couch. He found the mute button and the room went blessedly silent, although the blurry picture remained.<p>

"You don't have to turn off your porn," she reassured him as she leaned over the back of the sofa and kissed his cheek. She squinted at the screen. "Although, you might want to unscramble it. It'll give you a headache trying to watch it like that."

He found the off button, at last, which put an end to the embarrassing moment - and, he hoped, this conversation. "You were gone a while."

"Yeah. First, Kasumi helped me pick out a dress. Then, we went and got our nails done." She held out her hands, wiggling her fingers for his inspection. The nails sparkled. "My toes match."

"Very nice."

"And I got a haircut."

He looked more closely, and sure enough, her hair wasn't hanging in her eyes anymore. It swept softly to one side, framing her face, while the back just grazed her shoulders.

"You look gorgeous. But then again, you always look gorgeous."

She snorted. "Liar. But thank you." She sat next to him and let her head fall back against the cushion. "Being a girl is a lot of work."

"Sounds like it."

"Did you eat yet?"

"Nope, I was waiting for you."

"Well, I'm here and I'm hungry. Let's eat."

* * *

><p>Joker startled awake, but he wasn't sure what had woken him until the rattle of thunder shook the apartment. He could hear the rain pattering hard against the windows. The bed next to him was empty. He peered into the darkness.<p>

"Shep?" he called softly, but there was no answer.

He climbed out of bed, pulled on his boxers, and padded barefoot down the stairs. There was a flash of lightening, and he could see her silhouette. She was seated on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, watching the storm. He sat beside her and shivered from the coolness of the leather against his bare skin. Without looking at him, Shepard unraveled the blanket from around her form and wrapped it around his shoulders. He pulled her closer, savoring the warmth from the covering as well as her body heat. She rested her head against his chest with a sigh as another roll of thunder rattled the glass.

"You okay?" he asked, quietly, stroking her hair.

"Yeah," she replied, unconvincingly. "The storm woke me."

They were silent for a while. It was oddly comforting, snuggling together where it was safe, warm, and dry, while the storm raged mere feet away. Lightening occasionally lit the sky, and rain streaked the glass. It was very early morning, and most of the surrounding buildings were dark. It was easy to imagine that the whole world had fallen away and only the two of them remained.

"Did I ever tell you about Kasumi and Keiji?" Shepard asked, suddenly.

"Mmm…a little. They were partners, right?"

"In every sense."

"Ah."

"The mission I helped her with…the man who killed Keiji had stolen his graybox. It had sensitive military information on it, but Keiji had entangled the information with personal recollections of himself and Kasumi. Hock wasn't able to crack it. When we got it back, Keiji had left a message for her. He wanted her to destroy it. But that would have meant destroying their intimate memories, as well. Understandably, she didn't want to do it."

She paused, prompting Joker to inquire, "So, what happened?"

"I agreed to let her keep it intact. It wasn't the smart decision. Keiji had made it clear that the information could be dangerous to the Alliance. But I couldn't bring myself to force her to erase all that she had left of him." She looked up at him. "If I died, would you want to have something like that?"

Joker squirmed uncomfotably, forcing her to shift her position. The blanket slipped and she gathered it tightly around them again. "Shepard, I don't really want to talk about this."

She persisted. "I'm not sure I did the right thing for Kasumi. I don't think it's healthy."

He sighed, reluctantly. "If you died, then the memories of our time together would be priceless to me. Would I want some kind of graybox; or perfect recall, like the drell have? I don't know. Due to the nature of the human mind, memories fade. That's what allows us to move on, supposedly. But, then again, you were gone for two years, and my memories of you never dulled. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about you." Although what he was sharing with her wasn't a secret, he'd never really admitted it aloud to anyone, either. He was surprised to find that it felt like a weight being lifted from his shoulders.

He continued, gently. "If the memories are as vivid as the day they happened, I can see how there might be a real danger of escaping into them and never coming out. But I don't see any sign of that with Kasumi. She seems to live in the present; she engages with others. What's this really about?"

Another long pause, then she whispered, "Do you think about dying?"

"Are you kidding? How does a person hang out with you and _not_ think about dying?"

"Jeff."

"Sorry. Yes, of course I think about it. Not as much as I did when you were gone, though."

She looked at him, sharply. "What does that mean?"

"Just what I said. I thought about it. A lot."

"Joker, you have to promise me." She was staring into his eyes now, using her commander tone. "You have to promise me that if anything happens to me, you won't do something stupid."

"Shep, I do plenty of stupid things now, and you're alive."

"Promise me."

"Okay, okay. I promise."

She held his gaze a moment longer, searching for deception. Then, appearing satisfied, she settled back against him.

"Death never really used to scare me," she continued. "I didn't think that much about it. It was always right there, lurking around every corner, so what good did it do to worry about it? Then it happened, and it wasn't really so bad." She paused. "Coming back was worse."

"But now…" she trailed off. "It's not even so much the dying that bothers me, but the not living - if that makes any sense. Missing out on this. You and me. What we have now. Whatever the future might bring. I never had anything to lose before. Now, the fear's always with me."

This conversation was causing a cold knot to form in Joker's chest. He wanted to reassure her, but he didn't know how - not when he was terrified of the same damn thing. It had already happened once. There were no guarantees, and they both knew it.

"I understand what you're saying. And I feel the same way. But, it's like Liara's always saying. It's not how long you have, but what you do with the time. All we can do is make the most of the time we have so that we don't have any regrets later. It's okay to be afraid. Hell, I'd be more worried if you weren't scared. But what's that saying, 'Courage isn't the absence of fear, but doing what needs to be done despite it?' And you," he paused to kiss her forehead, "are the bravest person I know."

She raised her head again, and smiled. "And I ask again - how did you get so damn smart?"

"I've always been damn smart. It's just that no one ever notices."

"I notice." She kissed him. "I want you to be happy. You know, even if…"

He laughed. "Yeah, that's not going to happen. I wasn't happy before you came along, and I won't be happy if you're gone."

She stroked his beard. "But you're happy now?" she asked, her gaze penetrating.

"Yeah. I'm happy." He kissed her, gently. "Can we go back to bed now?"

She settled her head back against his chest. "Let's just watch the rain for a little while longer." They stayed where they were until the storm had passed and the sun began to climb its way into the sky.


	9. All Night Long

**A/N: The song that Shepard and Joker get naughty to is "Yeah" by Usher. As you've probably deduced from my song choices thus far, I'm not a huge R&B/Hip Hop fan, but Usher is an exception. You can't listen to that song and not want to be naughty. The song Shepard sings is "Alive" by Adelitas Way.**

**Lastly, this chapter earns its M rating for explicit sexual content. You've been warned. **

* * *

><p>"<em>All night long, I said all night long<em>

_I been thinking_

_About how to get your clothes on the floor_

_All night long, I said all night long_

_I been drinking _

_About how to get your panties on the floor_

_So let's get it over and just get naked_

_With sweat dripping down your little back_

_I'm a holy roller and I own a spaceship_

_So let me take you for a little ride_"

**Spaceship - Puddle of Mudd**

* * *

><p>"Shepard, let's <em>go<em>!" Joker called up the stairs for what seemed like the millionth time. "We're going to be late," he added, for good measure.

"You don't even know what time the reservation is for," she yelled down at him.

"Well, I assume it's soon since you made me start getting ready hours ago," he retorted. Only silence greeted this and he sighed impatiently.

At around six o'clock, Shepard had prodded him off the couch and into the shower. He hadn't complained, since she'd joined him, but she'd warded off all of his attempts to sidetrack her, and he'd emerged clean, but frustrated. He'd only been half-dressed when she'd shooed him downstairs so that she could commandeer the bath and bedroom. He'd finished his ablutions in the smaller half bath and he'd been fully dressed and waiting for almost an hour now. His patience was wearing thin.

"Are you sure you don't need some help or something?" he hollered. He had one foot on the bottom stair when Shepard appeared at the top. All coherent thought fled as he gazed up at her, awestruck.

She started hesitantly down the stairs as he took in the vision. She was dressed in an emerald-green dress, cut low in the front. It was floor length, with a slit to mid-thigh up one side. Her hair was curled and pinned loosely so that it fell softly against her face and neck. Dangling earrings sparkled against the ebony locks. As she drew closer, he could see her makeup was dramatic and flawless, causing her skin to glow and her eyes to sparkle. Her lips were red and enticingly plump. When she reached the bottom, he took her hand and twirled her around, slowly. Her back was bare, with only two thin straps crisscrossing it from shoulder to waist. Finally, she stood facing him and gazed at him, expectantly.

"You are breathtaking."

A huge grin split her face. "Really?"

"Indubitably."

"Kaz helped me get ready." She glanced back, up the stairs.

"Kaz is here? But, when? I didn't hear…"

"Hi, Joker," she called, still invisible to him.

"Hey, Kaz."

"Does Shepard look gorgeous, or what?"

"Ravishing," he replied. Shepard was starting to blush at all the compliments.

"You don't look so bad yourself," she said, straightening his tie. "Wait…oh my god. You shaved!" She ran a wondering palm over his smooth cheek.

"Yeah, well, I figured it was a special occasion and all." He shrugged.

"You look so sexy! And so young! Not that I don't like the beard," she added, hurriedly. "But wow." They grinned at each other, impressed with themselves.

"Yes, yes," Kasumi mocked as she finally appeared and descended the stairs. "You're both beautiful. Illium's next "It" couple. Now hurry up and get going before you really do miss your reservation."

"Wait! One more thing," Joker said as he reached into his pocket. It felt good to be able to use his right hand again. The doc had stopped by earlier that day and given him permission to remove the splint – an early birthday present. "I have something for you."

"For me? But it's _your_ birthday."

"I know, but I saw it and thought you would like it." He gave her the box and watched with eager anticipation as she opened it. Her jaw dropped when she saw the necklace.

"Oh, Jeff," she breathed. "It's stunning."

"Here, put it on," he encouraged. She took it out of the box and unclasped it, turning so that he could fasten it around her slender neck. When she turned back to face him, he saw that the pendant fell perfectly into the hollow of her throat and matched the dress flawlessly. He felt pretty pleased with himself. Shepard's fingertips stroked the jewel wordlessly, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears of gratitude. Kasumi broke the silence.

"That is some rock. Definitely worth stealing. Good job, Joker."

"You like it?" he asked Shepard, unable to tear his eyes away from his date.

"I love it. Thank you." She kissed him, tenderly.

"All right, kids. That's enough of that. You two run along now, and have a good time." Kasumi shooed them towards the front door. Jeff extended his arm, and Shepard took it with a shy smile. His thirtieth birthday was off to a great start.

* * *

><p>When they were seated in the cab, Shepard said, "I need to make a quick stop. It's on the way."<p>

"Really? Why? Do we have time?"

"I promised Aethyta that I would stop by Eternity. She's holding something for me. I'll only be a minute."

"Okay."

They arrived at the taxi stand and climbed out. They attracted more than a few glances, dressed as they were, but Joker didn't mind the attention. He had a gorgeous woman on his arm. Let 'em stare. They climbed the stairs to Eternity and went inside, where Aethyta was working the bar.

"Well, don't you two look nice? What's the occasion?" she asked as they approached.

"It's Jeff's birthday. We're on our way out to dinner," Shepard explained.

"Oh, yeah? Where you headed?"

"Palermo's."

"Oh, swanky. Figured you didn't get dressed like that to come to this fine establishment," the asari cackled.

Shepard grinned, indulgently. "I was wondering if that item I ordered came in."

"Oh, right, right. I think so. Let me check." She disappeared, and then rematerialized quickly. "Yep, it's here. It's in the storeroom. Follow me." She came out from behind the bar and started across the room.

"I'll wait here," Joker said as Shepard trailed after the bartender.

"No!" she yelped, startling them both. Then, more calmly, she said, "I mean, I might need help, um, carrying it."

Joker looked at her, quizzically. What the hell could she be picking up on their way to dinner that was so large and heavy she couldn't carry it? And what was she planning on doing with it once she had it?

"Okay," he said, dubiously, and fell in next to her as they crossed the room.

Aethyta stood in front of the door, fumbling with the access card. She finally opened it onto pitch darkness. "I know the switch is here somewhere," she said, apologetically, as Shepard and Joker stepped closer. Then the lights came on, and Joker had only a moment to register a room full of people before everyone yelled, "Surprise!"

* * *

><p>It was an hour after their arrival, and the party was going strong. Shepard had already shed her heels. Joker's suit jacket was hung over a chair somewhere, and his tie was loosened. A small stage had been set up at the end of the room, and Mordin was playing DJ. The salarian was well suited for the job with his endless patter and extensive knowledge of music from all over the galaxy. Long tables lined the sides of the room, piled with food that was clearly marked with toxicity information for the various species. A platoon of wait staff kept the alcohol flowing. Joker would no sooner finish a beer than a waiter would appear with another. Not that he was complaining.<p>

He and Shepard had started making the rounds of the room together, but they had quickly been separated. He spotted her now, surrounded by her team, as if they were all trapped in her gravitational field. Garrus - who still looked like he had a stick up his ass - stood unarmed, but ever vigilant, on her left; while Thane - his dark, reptilian eyes blinking rapidly, the rest of him utterly still - flanked her on the right. In direct contrast, Tali and Kasumi talked and gestured animatedly, contained within the inner circle. Jack stood off a pace or two, slouched, trying to maintain her aloofness. Jacob and Miranda hovered around the edges of the group, the Cerberus outsiders who could never fully be trusted. Samara was the only one absent from the gathering, engrossed as she was in conversation with Liara at a nearby table.

It was all so reminiscent of high school. Thirty years old, and he still wasn't a part of the cool crowd. But he _was_ fucking the head cheerleader, he thought to himself, and the analogy made him smile.

As if feeling his gaze on her, Shepard suddenly glanced up and returned the grin. His attention elsewhere, he jumped when a voice spoke from right beside him.

"The commander looks lovely tonight," Chakwas said, following his line of sight.

"That she does," Joker agreed.

"Happy birthday, Jeff," she said, wrapping him in a warm embrace that he returned willingly.

"Thanks, Doc. Thanks for being here."

"Of course. I wouldn't have missed it. I'm so happy that things have worked out for you two."

Shepard appeared next to him. "Hey, Doc. Having fun?"

"I certainly am. It's a wonderful party." She gave Shepard a quick hug, as well. "I'm going to make the rounds," she remarked as she departed.

Joker looked at Shepard's glass. "What is that?"

"It's a special drink Kasumi invented for the party. Do you want to try it?"

"It's pink."

"Just try." She held it out to him.

He took a sip, and then grimaced. "Ugh. It even tastes pink."

Shepard giggled. "It may be pink, but it's potent."

"I think I'll stick to beer, thanks." He motioned toward the other side of the room, where the engineers Ken and Gabby were standing together, their posture somehow more intimate than usual. "What's going on there?"

Shepard made a big show of mock innocence. "What do you mean?"

"What did you do?"

"Nothing. There weren't enough one bedroom apartments for everyone, so some people had to share a two bedroom. Daniels and Donnelly spend so much time together that I didn't think they'd mind."

"Meddler."

"Hey, it was Kasumi's idea. I just went along with it." She took another generous gulp of her pink concoction.

Miranda approached with the usual neutral expression on her face. "Joker. Happy birthday." For one frightening moment, it looked like the operative might hug him, but then she seemed to reconsider and held out her hand, instead.

Joker shook it. "Thanks, Miranda."

She nodded stiffly and marched away. Joker turned to Shepard. "Brrrr."

"Hey, that's about as warm and fuzzy as the Ice Princess gets. Consider yourself lucky."

Suddenly, a new song began that made Chambers squeal with delight. She grabbed Kasumi by the hand to drag her onto the dance floor. Kasumi, in turn, dashed over and took hold of Shepard. Shepard tried to shake her off, but the thief was having none of it. Surrendering, Shepard hooked an arm around Jack's waist on the way by and yanked the scowling biotic along with her. Gabby took hold of Miranda while Tali corralled Liara, and soon all of the women in the room were out on the dance floor, except for Samara and the doctor.

Ken tried to join them, but Gabby pushed him away, laughing. He came to stand next to Joker, shaking his head. "Now, ain't that a sight to see?" he asked in his Scottish lilt.

It was a riot of interspecies female flesh, and it certainly was something to witness as they gyrated to the music. Liara and Kasumi were grace in motion, lithe and coordinated. Gabby and Kelly were average dancers, but attractive women, and that made up for a lot. Jack thrashed around violently while Miranda looked rigid and uncomfortable. Tali couldn't seem to get the beat of the human music, but she made up for that with enthusiasm. Shepard, as always, had two left feet. Joker grinned as he watched her move. She couldn't dance and she couldn't drive, but he loved her, anyway.

Ken said, "She got you good, didn't she?"

Joker looked at him questioningly.

"The party," he explained. "You weren't expecting it."

"Oh. No, not at all. She even told me she was planning one, and I still never suspected."

"Women," Donnelly replied vaguely.

The song segued into another dance number, and Kasumi broke from the group to grab Jacob by the hand. She led him out onto the dance floor. Kelly captured Garrus, while Gabby retrieved Ken from Joker's side. He glanced up to see Shepard making a "come hither" gesture to him from the dance floor. He shook his head, and she moved closer, nodding.

"**Yeah, yeah, yeah…yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go."**

"No dancing, remember?" he asked when she was within earshot.

"I'll be gentle," she assured him, tugging him closer by his loosened tie.

"**Conversation got heavy, she had me feeling like she's ready to blow (watch out)**

**She was sayin' come get me, so I got up and followed her to the floor**

**She said baby, let's go"**

She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her body tightly against his. She started moving to the beat, and it occurred to him that the way she danced felt much better than it looked. His hands slid down her bare back to her ass as he glanced surreptitiously over her shoulder at the other couples on the dance floor. There was no daylight between any of them and not one of them was paying any attention to him and Shep. And wait…was that Tali getting down with Mordin by the DJ station?

"**So she's all up in my head now**

**Got me thinking that it might be a good idea to take her with me**

**Cuz she's ready to leave (let's go)"**

Shepard turned in his embrace, grinding sensuously, and he swayed carefully along with her. Body heat radiated off of her as he inhaled the erotic musk of shampoo, perfume and sweat rising from the nape of her neck. His palms were splayed against her middle, holding her tightly, before slowly slipping lower to grasp her thighs. His fingertips grazed smooth, bare skin through the slit in her dress. She raised her arms overhead and wrapped her hands around his neck, exposing more of herself to his exploring caresses. This wasn't so much dancing as sex, fully clothed, and that was just fine by him.

"**The way she (get low), **

**I'm like, Yeah**

**Just work that out for me**

**She asked for one more dance**

**And I'm like, Yeah**

**How the hell am I supposed to leave?"**

Shepard spun around to face him, crouching low and then sliding up the length of his body. Then they were eye to eye, faces flushed, lips parted, and if they hadn't been in public, Joker would have thrown her against the nearest wall and taken her right there, broken legs or no.

The song wound down and he released his grip slowly, trying to regain some control. "You might want to stand there for another second or two, or it could be embarrassing for me."

She chuckled softly and kissed him in a way that didn't help the situation at all. "I'll stand here for as long as you want. I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

><p>Later, he wasn't able to remember who started it, but someone broke out the karaoke, and the party took a turn for the ridiculous. The tracks stored on the computer were old – probably because they were cheap to purchase and there wasn't a lot of call for earth music on Illium. Jacob was the most talented singer of the bunch. Kelly warbled through some pop numbers. But when Mordin broke out the show tunes, Shepard stepped in and reclaimed the microphone.<p>

"I should probably do this before I'm too drunk – what the hell is in these drinks, anyway, Kaz? – and now seems like as good a time as any. I want to thank you all for being here tonight to celebrate the birth of our cantankerous - but lovable - pilot, Flight Lieutenant Jeffrey Moreau. Better known to all of us as Joker." Some whistles and catcalls, as well as scattered applause, greeted this. Joker nodded, acknowledging them.

"I've known Joker a long time," Shepard continued. "He isn't always soft and cuddly. But I wouldn't be standing here today if it wasn't for him. And I know most of you can say the same. I consider myself lucky to know him better than most. He's the most talented helmsman I've ever seen. He's smart and intuitive. He's dedicated. He's loyal.

And let's not forget handsome and sexy, too. C'mon, ladies…is he hot in that suit or what?" Enthusiastic cheers from the ladies intermingled with jeers from the guys. Kasumi ran over and pecked him on the lips. From the stage, Shepard pointed at her in mock outrage. "Back off, woman! He's mine." More laughter as Kasumi shrugged and scurried away.

"But in all seriousness," she continued as the commotion quieted, "I can't imagine my life without Jeff in it. He makes me crazy, but keeps me sane. He makes me laugh, but keeps me focused. He never tries to change me, but inspires me to be the person that he believes that I am. He keeps me grounded…figuratively, if not literally." A few chuckles. "He's my best friend, and the reason I'm able to keep fighting even when defeat seems inevitable."

"So, to give him a birthday present that I know he will enjoy, I'm going to humiliate myself in front of all of you." She nodded to Mordin, and he started the music.

"**What if I told you that I think you're perfect?**

**Beautiful sky in your eyes, it's so worth it**

**I know you make me feel alive**

**What if I told you that I'm in forever**

**Nothing to hide, yeah, I'll go wherever**

**You will go**

**You make me feel alive"**

Maybe it was the alcohol - which had already blurred the edges of reality, making everything soft and out of focus - but the room seemed to fall away, and there was only the music, her voice, and the emotion behind it. The feeling intensified when she stepped down from the stage and stood before him, never breaking eye contact.

"**And I'll be hanging on every word you say to me**

**Hanging on a feeling that I get, 'cause you make me**

**Laugh a little louder**

**Love a little harder**

**And I feel alive when I'm with you**

**Every time is something new**

**Never knew what love could feel like**

**Until I walked away the first time**

**And I feel alive when I'm with you**

**Deep inside is something true**

**You're the only reason I fight**

**You're the best thing in my life"**

Shepard choked a little on the last line and glanced away for the first time. He took her hand and she inhaled deeply, visibly regaining some composure.

"**What if I told you that I'll never hurt you**

**Always be there for you to hold on to**

**I know you make me feel alive**

**And every single second's a lifetime memory**

**I'll be holding on each moment, 'cause you make me**

**Laugh a little louder**

**Love a little harder**

**And I feel alive when I'm with you**

**Every time is something new**

**Never knew what love could feel like**

**Until I walked away the first time**

**And I feel alive when I'm with you**

**Deep inside is something true**

**You're the only reason I fight**

**You're the best thing in my life"**

The song ended, and for a moment they just stood there in utter silence. Then Joker took her in his arms and dipped her, pressing his lips to hers, and the room erupted in applause as Shepard, laughing and crying at the same time, kissed him back. When he finally let her up and they broke apart, he kept his forehead pressed to hers, wanting to prolong the intimate moment just a while longer.

"Thank you," he said, wiping a tear from under her eye with his thumb.

"You're welcome," she sniffled, grinning.

"I love you so much."

"I love you, too. Happy birthday." She gave him another quick kiss, and then nodded toward the stage. "Your turn."

"Okay, but don't expect any singing."

He took the microphone from her and climbed onto the stage. He cleared his throat once as he looked out at the gathering. Some of the women still looked weepy, the way people often did at weddings. Damn Shepard. If he got all emotional in front of this crowd, he'd never hear the end of it.

"Well, first, I want to say thanks to all of you for being here to help me celebrate my birthday tonight. I know most of you are here because Shepard threatened or bribed you, but I appreciate it, anyway.

Shepard said a lot of nice things about me earlier – most of them deserved; some of them probably not so much so. One thing she was right about is that she and I have known each other for a long time. You all know I'm not one for speeches – hell, I'm not much for talking, at all. But I want to tell you a little story about the way things were in the beginning.

Most of you know that I graduated first in my class in flight school – I've never been shy about sharing that. What you may not know is that despite that, I had a hell of a time getting a permanent assignment when I graduated. I got into the military on a physical exemption – a waiver, basically – and that was the first thing that CO's would see in my file. Why take the number one guy who can't walk, when you can get the number two or three guy who can? Most of them didn't want to be bothered. When I did get assignments, they tended not to last very long. In retrospect, my sunny disposition might have had something to do with that.

Anyway, it was Captain Anderson who handpicked me to helm the Normandy. He wanted the best and he didn't care about the rest of the bullshit. He never showed the slightest interest in me as a person, and that worked great for me…until he turned the Normandy over to Shepard.

Suddenly, she was coming by the cockpit all the time; saying hello, asking questions. I couldn't figure out her angle. Yeah, you're all laughing now, but back then, I didn't know anything about her. Finally, I decided that she must have found out about my condition from my file and was trying to catch me doing something wrong so that she could get rid of me.

So, the next time she came by, I tore into her. I went through my whole rant, and when I was done, she looked at me with concern and said, "What are you talking about? Are you sick?" After I managed to pry my foot from my mouth, I realized what a colossal error in judgment I had made.

Over the next few weeks and months, I learned a lot more about Shepard. She'd grown up in circumstances more difficult than I could imagine; lost more than any one person should. And yet, she took the time to get to know not only me, but the entire crew, because she cared about us - what we thought, how we felt. She had more reason than anyone to be guarded with people, and yet she was always approachable and non-judgmental.

It made me stop and take a hard look at myself. In a lot of ways, my disease had defined me. But Shepard made me realize that maybe that was because I had let it. Maybe there were people out there who were willing and able to see beyond it. And maybe it would be worth it to take a chance and find out.

So, yeah, I'm not the most warm and fuzzy guy, and I never will be. But if I am even remotely the man that Shepard seems to think I am – and over the years, I have come to trust her judgment – if I am the kind of man who deserves to have friends like you" he looked around at their faces, "or who deserves the love of a woman like you," he looked at Shepard, who once again had a tear running down her cheek, "then it's all because of her. She inspires me to be a better person, not the other way around.

Thanks to her, I am lucky enough to be spending my 30th birthday with all of you – my crewmates and friends. So, thanks again for being here. Cheers!"

He raised his glass to the gathering, and someone called "To Joker!" A chorus of cheers arose in response as the crew surrounded him, supplying pats on the back, hugs, and well wishes. The music started again as Shepard squeezed in next to him and he wrapped his arm around her. They stayed like that, talking and laughing, surrounded by their compatriots, late into the night.

* * *

><p>By the time they climbed into the cab to go back to the apartment, they were both giddily drunk and intensely horny. They kissed and groped, alternately giggling and swearing as they were thwarted at every turn by the confines of the space and their restrictive attire. When they arrived at their destination, they staggered out, and hurried quickly to the elevator. Once inside, Joker pressed her against the door, trailing frantic kisses along her neck and collarbone. Purring eagerly, Shepard pulled his shirt free from his pants and tore violently at the buttons. He was vaguely aware of the sound one made as it pinged off the metal wall. So much for his new clothes.<p>

The doors opened, almost spilling them into the empty corridor. They reeled along the hallway, crossing the few feet to the door, unwilling to break apart for even a moment. Shepard fished in her bag for the key, coming up with it and simultaneously dropping the clutch on the ground. She got the door open, kicked the bag through, and pulled Joker over the threshold as it slammed closed behind them. And then he was the one trapped against the entry as she slid his jacket off and tossed it aside. The tie was yanked loose, followed closely by the damaged shirt. He slipped a finger under first one dress strap - sliding it across her smooth, bare shoulder - and then the other, and when she took a step back, the garment slithered to the floor. She stood there in nothing but the necklace he'd given her and those high heels, and Joker was literally consumed by lust. There was no coherent thought; just persistent, animalistic need. She gazed back, flushed with desire, lips parted and panting, and he could see that she was feeling the same.

He was aware that this was one of those occasions that called for wild abandon – if he'd been capable, he would have picked her up and pressed her against the door, and he knew she would have enjoyed it. It was an aspect of her physical nature that he'd always felt lurking right beneath the surface when they made love, something they'd never been able to explore. But tonight, he felt like throwing caution to the wind. This wildly beautiful and sensuous woman was mad with passion for him, and he'd be damned if he was going to let the opportunity go to waste. The situation just required a little creativity.

He pushed off from the door, gathering her in his grasp and steering her toward the dining area. Their lips locked again as he kicked off his shoes and she fumbled with his belt. She let out a small "Oomph!" when her hip met the lip of the table, but she continued to work at the waistband of his pants. Her hands slipped under the loosened garments and he was finally free of the last of his clothing.

She moved to lift herself onto the table, anticipating his intentions, but he stopped her with one word, "No." He turned her around, bending her over, pressing her to the table with his not inconsiderable upper body strength. His hands gripped her wrists, pinning her, as he nipped at her neck and shoulders with more force than usual. She writhed under him, moaning, aroused by the subjugation, as he'd known she would be. He released her hands as he slid his tongue down her spine, and then tangled his fingers in the hair at the nape of her neck. He gripped tightly, holding her in place, as he slipped his other hand between her thighs. Shepard's body convulsed as his fingers skimmed hot, moist flesh, barely making contact.

"Oh, god," she gasped.

"You like that?" he asked as he teased, touching her everywhere except where he knew she wanted to be touched the most.

"Fuck, yes. Oh, god. I want you inside me now."

"You want this?" He removed his hand and slid his arousal between her legs without entering her. He was instantly enveloped in her warmth and wetness. She moaned and writhed against him, but she was utterly at his mercy.

"Yes. Yes! Fuck me, please. Jeff, I need you now."

He'd intended to prolong the torture, but dammit, when she said his name like that, he couldn't wait any longer. In one smooth motion, he drove into her, and she cried out in pleasure and relief. He put his hands on her hips, holding her in place as he stroked in and out, burying himself as deep as he could. Shepard's hands were splayed atop the table, unable to get a grip on the smooth surface. But still, she encouraged him with moans, and groans, and incoherent exclamations until he realized that if they continued at this pace, it was going to be over much too soon.

Using all of the willpower available to him, he withdrew, eliciting a cry of protest from his partner. He pulled her upright and turned her around, coaxing her to hop up onto the table with his hands under her thighs. She obliged, wrapping her arms around his neck, then reclining into a prone position as he guided her backwards. He slowed the pace, lingering over her breasts, licking and sucking first one nipple, then the other. Shepard had her eyes closed and head thrown back, her hands gently grasping his head as he pleased her. He slid lower, trailing kisses between her ribs to her belly button. He wanted more than anything to taste her and drive her wild with his tongue, but this arrangement wasn't conducive to that endeavor. He would have to hunch uncomfortably or kneel, and neither option was appealing. Instead, he grasped one of her legs by the ankle and placed it on his shoulder. She regarded him through heavy-lidded eyes as he lifted her other leg into place.

He grazed fingertips over the smooth muscles of her shapely calves, stepping forward until her knees rested on his shoulders. He licked and nipped at the inside of her knees and thighs, savoring the tender flesh. Her skin broke into gooseflesh in response. He grabbed her by the hips, dragging her closer, so that her ass was hanging off the edge of the table. He pressed forward until his tip just barely made contact with her cleft. She sucked in air as he entered her again, slowly this time, barely penetrating before withdrawing. He continued gradually, filling her a little more each time, until he was once again buried fully within her. He was painfully hard now, throbbing, and he knew there would be no stopping this time. He started to move faster, increasing the rhythm, and Shepard met him stroke for stroke. She placed her heels against his chest, showing some admirable flexibility, allowing him even deeper inside of her.

He felt the familiar pressure building, the delicious anticipation of release, and closed his eyes. He heard Shepard say, "Yeah, baby, that's so good. Yeah, there. Right there. Don't stop." His fingers clenched around her thighs as he concentrated on following her request - maintaining the same angle; the same cadence. He was breathing hard; could feel the rivulet of sweat trailing down his neck. Shepard started making the sounds she did when she was close; little mewls of pleasure, coming in faster succession. He was fighting it now, trying to give her time, when he heard the scream begin in the back of her throat and build to a crescendo as she climaxed. He let himself go, shuddering with release as small explosions of light flitted across the back of his eyelids. His cry mingled with hers as they moved together, trying to prolong the ecstasy for as long as possible. Finally, he slowed and then stopped, supporting himself on exhausted and trembling legs.

Shepard scooted more securely onto the table and eased her limbs from his shoulders. She sat upright and reached for him. Her arms wrapped around his waist and her legs hooked behind his knees as she pressed her cheek to his chest, holding him tightly. He stroked her hair and softly rubbed her back as their breathing gradually returned to normal. The alcohol and exertion was catching up with him now, making his limbs feel leaden, and he wondered how he was ever going to make it up the stairs.

Shepard eventually turned her face up to his, resting her chin where her cheek had just been, and he leaned down and kissed her gently. "Hey, Shepard?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to get married?" He hadn't been planning it, not really, but right then, in that moment, he knew it was what he wanted – to be with her always.

She went utterly still as her eyes searched his, clearly looking for the joke. Finding none, she said, "Married?"

"Yep."

"You want to get married?"

"To you. Yes."

She paused for an uncomfortable amount of time, during which he was uncharacteristically unable to deduce even an inkling of what was going through her mind, but then she said softly, "Okay."

He hesitated, afraid he'd heard her wrong. "Yes?"

"Yes." She beamed up at him, and he couldn't contain the bubble of laughter that escaped his lips. He hadn't even realized he'd been holding his breath.

They kissed again, and then some more, and by the time they finally made it up the stairs and fell into bed, Joker was nearly incoherent with fatigue. But he was also imbued with emotions he barely recognized – joy, hope, contentment – and he reflected briefly that it had not only been the best birthday, but perhaps the best day, of his life, before he sank into a deep and dreamless slumber.


	10. Superhero Girl

_"Always stupidly sarcastic, my hyper-spastic superhero girl_"

**Superhero Girl - Eve 6**

* * *

><p>Joker awoke the next day with a pounding in his skull. He cracked one eyelid open and quickly slammed it shut again as the light streaming through the window threatened to pierce his addled brain. He pulled a pillow over his face and experimented with opening his eyes gradually, letting them adjust to the brightness. Once he'd managed a bleary squint, he took in his surroundings. He was sprawled on top of the bed, naked save for one sock. And he had a desperate need to pee. He staggered upright and made his way to the bathroom. Once he'd relieved himself, he splashed water on his face and rinsed his mouth. He found a bottle of pain reliever, took two, and then took two more, just in case. Feeling almost human, he went back to the bedroom.<p>

Shepard was flopped across the bed, facedown and naked, with one arm dangling to the floor. As he approached, he could hear her snoring softly. He sat next to her, nudging her gently.

"Hey," he tried. No response. He shook her a little harder. "Hey, wake up."

"Go 'way," she muttered, swatting at him.

"It's afternoon already."

"So?"

"Isn't there stuff you want to do?"

"Yeah. Sleep." She opened one eye. "But I'm guessing that's not an option, huh?"

"I was wondering…how much longer were you planning on staying here?"

"In this bed?"

"On Illium."

She sighed and rolled onto her side, facing him, head propped on her elbow. "I don't know. Why, are you bored with all the R&R already?"

"No. I was just thinking that maybe we could go to Arcturus for a little while."

"Arcturus? Isn't that where your family is?"

"Yeah. I think they'd like to meet you."

"Why?"

"Because we're going to get married."

"What? You were serious about that?"

"Shepard."

"I thought it was just a bad dream. Or a drunken hallucination."

"Shepard!"

"Fine. Whatever. We can go to Arcturus. Can I go back to sleep now?" She let her head flop back onto the mattress.

"Thanks." He leaned in and stroked her back suggestively, "So, are you up for a little morning roll in the hay?"

"Are you for real?" she asked, pushing him away. "First, you wake me up to tell me you want to go spend time with your family, and now you want to have sex? I don't think so."

"Oh, look. It's like we're married already," he joked, and didn't duck quite fast enough to avoid the pillow that caught him upside the head.

* * *

><p>He contacted his mother later that day. She was ecstatic to hear that he was coming to visit.<p>

"It's about time. You're always so busy, off saving the universe. No time to call your mother, never mind come for a visit."

"Well, I'm coming now. And I'm bringing someone with me."

That silenced her for a moment, but she rebounded quickly. "Who?"

"Shepard."

"The dead commander?"

"Formerly dead, yes."

Another pause. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

"We'll talk about it when we get there, Mom." He really didn't want to get into it right then. They'd be there forever.

They chatted for a while longer, until he told her he had to go.

"Okay. We'll see you in a couple of days, then. We love you, Jeffrey."

"Love you, too, Mom." He broke the connection with a sigh. This was going to be fun.

* * *

><p>Three days later, Joker and Shepard were preparing to depart Illium. The crew had been informed about their engagement – rather, Kasumi had been informed, and she'd taken care of the rest. Some of them were planning to stay on Illium a while longer, while others were moving on. Either way, it felt strangely like goodbye as they gathered at the spaceport.<p>

Dr. Chakwas approached him before he reached the group. He realized that she was like a second mother to him now, with slightly less nagging.

"I won't ever forget what you and Shepard did for me and the others," she said, holding him at arm's length. "Take care of each other."

"We will."

"You know where to find me when you need me."

"You're going to work in the clinic on the Citadel for now?"

She nodded. "I'm like you – I'd rather be out there." She gestured towards the vastness of space outside the windows. "But I have a feeling that circumstances will call us back soon enough." Her eyes were haunted by the firsthand knowledge of the threat the Reapers posed.

"Yeah." Joker gave her a hug and she smiled, gratefully.

"Enjoy your time together. You deserve it." She gave him another pat on the arm and then moved away. He continued on toward the rest of the gathering.

Shepard was shaking hands with Ken and Gabby. "Whenever you need us, we're ready, Commander," Donnelly told her in his brogue. Daniels nodded in agreement.

"Captain Anderson has volunteered to let us communicate through his office. Keep him updated on your whereabouts. I'll do the same," Shepard instructed.

They both nodded crisply and departed. Joker watched them go. When they were about 20 feet away, he saw Gabby slip her hand into Ken's. Damn Shepard. Did she _always_ have to be right about _everything_?

Joker found a seat and slipped into it, content to observe the disbanding ritual. Kelly was shifting her weight from foot to foot in that nervous but eager way of hers. Shepard gave the yeoman a hug. "Thanks for everything, Kelly. You can use the apartment for as long as you want – or until they throw you out."

"It's been an honor, Commander. I'll be here if you need me."

Jacob and Miranda were the next to depart. Shepard and Jacob did their complicated handshake/chest bump routine and grinned at each other. "It's been a pleasure, Commander." Miranda was more reserved, extending a hand, but Shepard ignored it and instead gave her a quick hug.

"I won't forget what you did, standing with me against the Illusive Man, Miranda."

The other woman shrugged, embarrassed. "I was wrong about him…wrong about you, too."

"And I was wrong about you, so I guess we're even," Shepard replied, and they shared a rueful smile.

"We'll be in touch, Commander," Jacob said and snapped a salute. He and Miranda ambled off together.

The others followed in quick succession. Mordin was planning to return to Omega to check on his former clinic, Tali was leaving to rejoin the migrant fleet, and Samara was contemplating pursuing some Justicar business. They took their leave amongst hugs, handshakes and promises to keep in touch. That left Kasumi, Thane, Jack and Garrus.

Kasumi and Shepard embraced. "Thanks for all your help with the girlie stuff, Kaz. I couldn't have done it without you."

"That's what friends are for, Shepard. Good luck with the future in-laws."

Shepard frowned. "Why does everybody keep saying that?"

Kasumi giggled. "You'll see. Keep in touch – I want to know how it goes. Details!" she demanded before vanishing from sight.

Thane stepped forward, and Shepard and the drell hugged tightly. When they finally drew apart, Thane said in his soft, raspy voice, "I will not forget what you've done for me, _siha_."

Shepard maintained her grip on the assassin's hands. "Take care of yourself. Spend some time with your boy. I'll find you if I need you."

"What time I have left is yours to take."

Shepard kissed him on the cheek, and with a nod to Joker, Thane took his leave.

Jack pushed off the wall she'd been leaning against and said, "Well, I guess I'll be going, too."

"Wait. I want to talk to you."

"C'mon, Shepard, no mushy stuff. You know I hate that shit."

"Just hang on a second." She led Jack a short distance away as Garrus settled into the chair across from Joker's. He glanced over to where Jack stood, scowling, as Shepard spoke. She looked insolent, as usual – arms crossed and hip cocked, impatiently. Shepard ignored the body language, speaking calmly but emphatically to the younger woman. Jack met her gaze, briefly, and then ducked her head. Her arms fell to her sides. Shepard appeared to ask her something, and Jack nodded once. Shepard embraced the biotic, and she allowed it for just a moment before pushing her away, forcefully. Shepard laughed and said something else, and Jack shook her head, scowl back in place.

"Make sure I know how to reach you," Shepard called after Jack as she stomped away. Her only response was a middle finger raised in the air without turning around. But Shepard was grinning as she returned to Garrus and Joker.

"You were right about her. She is quite charming," Joker told her. Shepard gave him the same response she'd just gotten from Jack and he laughed.

"What did you say to her?"

"None of your business." She turned to Garrus as he unfolded himself from the chair and stood.

"My friend," she said as she stood on tip toes to wrap her arms around him. Garrus was facing Joker as he hugged Shepard, and he could see that the turian's eyes were squeezed shut as he held her close. Joker glanced away, feeling like a voyeur intruding on an intimate moment. When they released each other, they rested their foreheads together, briefly.

"I couldn't do any of this without you," Shepard told him, voice husky.

"Sure you could. But you couldn't do it with nearly as much style," he told her, teasingly.

She stepped back, laughing. "No doubt about that."

"I'm always here when you need me, Shepard."

"I know. The same goes for me."

"I know."

"Try to stay out of trouble this time, okay? I don't want to have to come back just to pull your ass out of another ambush."

Garrus chuckled. "I'll do my best."

Garrus stepped around Shepard and extended his talons to Joker. Surprised, he grasped them.

"Lieutenant," Garrus said with a nod.

"Garrus."

With one more glance at Shepard, the turian departed.

"What was that about?" Joker asked Shepard.

"What?"

"All of a sudden, I get respect from the alpha male of our little pack?"

"Of course. You're sleeping with the alpha female, who is also the pack leader," she informed him as she settled gently onto his lap.

"Ah. So, I get my status vicariously?"

"Exactly."

"How emasculating."

She laughed and kissed him. "I find you to be plenty masculine." She kissed him again, more thoroughly this time. "We're finally alone," she noted, suggestively.

"Alone?" Joker glanced around the terminal. There was heavy pedestrian traffic, and they were garnering more than their fair share of glances from people who recognized Shepard.

"No crew." She kissed his neck. "No ship." She nibbled his ear. "Are you sure you want to go to Arcturus and not to some remote outpost somewhere where no one can find us?"

"No. I mean, yes. I mean, your idea sounds like a lot more fun, but I already promised my mother."

She sighed and pouted. "If you say so."

It figured - of all moments, Shepard had to choose _now_ to start listening to him. Life just wasn't fair.

* * *

><p>An hour into the flight, Joker was fidgety. A typical pilot, he couldn't stand flying when he wasn't in the cockpit. In addition, his anxiety was swelling in direct correlation to their proximity to Arcturus and the upcoming family reunion. Shepard was reading a novel on her datapad, seemingly without a care in the world. She had no experience with family, and therefore, none of the normal dread associated with spending time with them. He shifted in his seat again, jostling her, and she looked up from her story, annoyed.<p>

"Maybe I'll go get a drink," he offered.

"That might be best," she replied, dryly.

He climbed over her and followed the signs to the lounge. It was fairly busy, with many people preferring to pass their time here with a drink and some vids rather than in a cramped seat. He found a stool at the bar and scanned the room. The crowd looked odd to him, and it took him a moment to recognize why. Arcturus was a human colony, and the majority of the passengers travelling there were human. It amused him to realize that he was now so used to spending time with aliens that predominately human gatherings seemed strange.

The bartender put a napkin down on the bar and said, "What can I get you?"

"Beer."

"Anything in particular?"

"Surprise me."

The bartender nodded and turned away, grabbing a bottle from the cooler. He set it down and asked, "You want to run a tab?"

"Sure." Joker fished in his wallet and pulled out his credit chit.

The bartender glanced at it quickly, and then did a double take. He really looked at Joker for the first time.

"Jeff Moreau? Damn, it is you, isn't it?"

"Um…"

"It's Billy, man. Billy Bradshaw. We were in flight school together!"

Joker had no recollection at all of a Billy Bradshaw from flight school. "Oh, sure. Hey, man. How's it going?"

"Good, man, good! I wasn't sure if you'd remember me. I didn't last too long at that gig." He smiled ruefully. "The military wasn't my thing. Did you make it through?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I did."

"Good for you! So, you're a pilot now?"

"Yep."

"Still in the Alliance?"

"No, not anymore."

Another patron signaled for Billy from the other end of the bar, and he held up a finger to Joker indicating that he'd be right back. While he was gone, Joker took a swig of his beer and wracked his brain for any memory of this guy. None was forthcoming.

His new best friend returned momentarily. "So, you're not military, huh? You fly commercial? Or corporate?"

"Uh, well…no, not exactly." He hesitated, wanting to brag but knowing that he probably shouldn't. Ultimately, he couldn't resist. "Have you ever heard of Commander Shepard?"

Billy's eyes went wide. "Are you kidding? Hero of the Citadel? First human Spectre? Yeah, man, of course I've heard of her!"

"Well, I fly for her."

"But…I thought she was dead."

"Well, yeah. But that was kinda temporary."

Billy didn't seem to know what to make of that. "Whoa. That's heavy, dude."

"Yeah."

There were other patrons trying to get Billy's attention now, but he was oblivious to their solicitations. "So, why are you headed to Arcturus?"

"Family."

"Right, right." He nodded.

"Barkeep!" a portly, red-cheeked man called impatiently, and Billy scurried away once more.

Joker relaxed, drinking his beer and scanning the screens in the lounge. Most of them seemed to be sports, although he wasn't familiar with the teams. His gaze drifted around the room, aimlessly, until a pair of sparkling blue eyes captured his gaze. Their owner, a pretty young girl in her twenties, smiled at him, and he reflexively smiled back before quickly casting his gaze down and away. He was resolutely studying the label on his beer moments later when Shepard appeared beside him, startling him.

"Sorry," she said, amused. "Didn't mean to scare you."

"I didn't see you come in."

"Obviously." She stood close, between his legs as he straddled the stool. "Once you mentioned getting a drink, I got thirsty. The power of suggestion." She picked up his beer and took a deep swallow.

Billy chose that moment to return, and his eyes just about bugged out of his head when he saw Shepard standing there. Oblivious, she said, "Can we get two more, please?" Mutely, he nodded, but made no move to do as she asked.

Shepard gave the barkeep a puzzled look, and then turned to Joker. "I'm going to use the bathroom. I'll be right back." She gave him a quick kiss and strode away. Billy watched, dumbstruck.

Finally, he said, "That's her. Shepard."

"Yeah."

"She's your girlfriend?"

"My fiancée." Joker was pure nonchalance.

"Whoa. Dude, you are the _man_!"

"Thanks. You might want to get those beers now. She can be kind of impatient."

"Yeah, dude! Of course!" He turned away, and then turned back. "Do you think I could get her autograph or something?"

"Sure. I'll ask her when she comes back."

"Thanks, man!" Billy gave him a grateful smile and went to fetch their drinks. He was hailed by another customer before he was able to return.

"Will you sign an autograph for the bartender?" Joker asked Shepard when she reappeared.

"That depends. Is he going to bring me a beer?"

"Probably. Eventually." He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close. "You're pretty awesome, you know that?"

"Oh, yeah?" She studied him skeptically. "Does that mean I can have the rest of your beer?"


	11. Unaffected

"_Before they even saw my face_

_They knew that I was not the same_

_And decided I was not the one for you_"

**Unaffected - Hoobastank**

* * *

><p>It was late when they arrived on Arcturus. His mom had instructed him to call when they got there, but Joker decided to hail a cab instead.<p>

They reached their destination and disembarked. Joker stood on the curb for a moment, gathering his resolve. Shepard shot him a quizzical look.

"Okay, let's go," he said.

He rapped once and then opened the door. "Hello? Anybody home?"

Excited yapping erupted, heading in their direction, and then a little ball of fur came skidding around the corner from the rear of the house. The dog sniffed Joker briefly then made a beeline for Shepard.

"My parents have a dog," he informed her, belatedly.

"I see that."

"His name's Charlie. Don't worry, he's friendly."

"I see that, too," she replied wryly, as the dog started to hump her leg.

Joker's mother appeared through the doorway to the living room, followed closely by his father. "Jeffrey! I thought you were going to call so we could pick you up!" she admonished as she took hold and began squeezing the life out of him.

"Ow! Mom…bones," he gasped, returning the hug. She loosened her grip, but not by much. Charlie danced frantic circles around them, barking happily.

"Hey, son. It's good to see you," his dad said, trying to reach him around his mother's smothering embrace. She finally relinquished her hold on him and both parents stood gazing expectantly at Shepard, who still lurked awkwardly in the entrance.

"Mom, Dad…this is Commander Samantha Shepard." He took a deep breath. "My fiancée."

Stunned silence greeted this announcement. His father was the first to recover, breaking into a warm, genuine grin. "Fiancée? Congratulations!" He moved to hug Shepard, who accepted it clumsily. "Welcome to our home, Commander. It's an honor to have you here."

"Please…just call me Sam."

"Very well. And you can call me Marc."

"Nice to meet you, Marc. Sir."

His mother's shocked smile was frozen in place. "Louise?" his father prompted.

"Hmm?" She seemed to gather herself. "Oh, yes! It's nice to meet you, Samantha. Please, come in, come in," she chided, ushering them inside. Joker noted that she had essentially ignored his proclamation.

"Would you like something to drink?" his dad asked as they settled onto the couch. "Water, soda, beer?"

"I'll take a beer," Joker replied, gratefully.

"Me, too," said Shepard.

"Louise?" She just shook her head.

"Coming right up," their host replied cheerfully as he retreated to the kitchen.

The three of them sat in awkward silence. Joker settled back onto the couch and idly took Shepard's hand in his. His mother's gaze settled onto their clasped hands like a laser beam, and he reflexively released his grip. Shepard glanced his way, confused by his uncertainty. Luckily, his father reappeared at that moment.

"Here we go," he said as he distributed the beverages. Shepard and Joker thanked him, and he settled into his customary recliner with the dog stretched out by his feet.

"So, how was the trip?" Marc inquired. Grateful for the ice breaker, Joker shared the tale of meeting his former classmate.

They continued to make small talk for a while, his mother being uncharacteristically quiet, until they finished their beers and Shepard yawned.

"Forgive us," his father said, taking note of the gesture. "You two must be tired. We can talk more tomorrow."

"I straightened up your room, Jeffrey," his mother informed him. "But as you know, there's only a double bed in there. Are you sure Samantha wouldn't be more comfortable in the guest room?"

"I'm sure, Mom," he said, resolutely. They'd gone over this on the phone. She'd offered separate rooms, and he'd politely declined. He had no intention of changing his mind now.

"Whatever you prefer," Louise said mildly, as if it made no difference to her.

They stood and collected their bags, exchanging good nights. Joker led Shepard up the stairs to his childhood bedroom and opened the door. It still looked exactly the way he'd left it, except perhaps a bit neater. They tossed their duffels aside and Joker settled onto the bed while Shepard explored the room, curiously.

"Your mom doesn't seem to care for me much," she stated, casually.

He sighed. "It's not you. She's just overprotective."

She raised an eyebrow. "She thinks she needs to protect you from me?"

"I don't know what she's thinking, to be honest, but I'm sure I'll find out soon enough."

Finishing her perusal of his belongings, Shepard kicked off her boots and pants, leaving only her shirt and underwear. She moved over to the bed, and with a wicked gleam in her eyes that he recognized all too well, settled with feline grace on hands and knees above his prone form.

"She can't protect you from me now," she purred, fluttering kisses along his neck.

"Shepard." The protest died on his lips as she steadily worked her way down to his collarbone, then back up to his mouth.

"Mmm," he murmured, placing his hands on her ass as her tongue tangled with his, and that was the exact position they were in when there was a sharp rap on the door and it opened before they could respond.

"Oh, my!" he heard his mother exclaim as he instantly relinquished his grasp on Shepard's buttocks. She broke the clinch and gave him a measured look before slowly settling back onto her haunches, still straddling him.

"I just wanted to make sure that you had clean towels for the morning," his mother explained awkwardly, setting the laundry on the dresser near the door. She shot a disapproving look at Shepard, who gazed back defiantly. Joker groaned inwardly.

"Thanks, Mom," he said.

"Well, good night." With one last reproachful look, she retreated.

Joker blew out a sigh as Shepard asked, "Should I lock the door?"

"No. I mean, you can if you want, but…look, Shep, maybe this isn't a good idea. My parents' room is right across the hall, and the walls are kinda thin – please, don't ask me how I know that – and, well, you can be kinda…"

"Kinda?"

"You know. Loud."

"Loud? I can be loud? And you have a problem with this?" She was observing him with narrowed eyes, obviously displeased.

"No, of course not! Not usually. It's just here, you know…"

"Yeah, well, don't worry. You won't have to worry about me being too _loud_ tonight," she declared as she climbed off of him and crawled underneath the sheets. She rolled over, taking most of the blankets with her, and clicked off the light. That left Joker lying fully clothed on top of the bed, in the dark, wondering what the hell he'd been thinking by bringing her here.

* * *

><p>Joker wandered into the kitchen the next morning, yawning. Shepard was standing by the counter - dressed in a tank top, running shorts and sneakers - stretching her quads and sipping from a steaming cup of coffee.<p>

"I figured out the coffee maker. I hope your folks like it strong."

"Well, we like it strong, and we're company, so that's all that matters." He poured himself a cup and sat at the table. "What's with the sudden re-interest in exercise?" She hadn't been running the whole time they'd been on Illium.

"Well, since I wasn't able to burn any calories last night," she said, pointedly.

"And whose fault is that?"

"Yours."

"Oh, right."

She popped a slice of pineapple in her mouth from a bowl of fruit sitting out on the counter. "I hope it's okay that I grabbed this from the fridge. After being on a ship for so long, I can't get enough fresh fruit. I felt like I was going to get that disease…what is it, mange?"

He looked at her, bemused. "Only if you're worried about losing all of your fur. I think what you're thinking of is scurvy. Although, I don't think people actually get that anymore."

"Whatever, smart guy." She finished her coffee and set the mug in the sink. "Be back in a little while." She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. He was cheered to see that she didn't seem to be harboring too much ill will from the night before.

"Do you know where you're going?"

"I'll figure it out," she replied as she slammed out the back door.

Joker had about 60 seconds of blissful peace before his father appeared in the doorway. "Was that Shepard?" his dad asked.

"Yeah. She went for a run."

"Oh, too bad," his pop said, wistfully. "I've been thinking about getting back into shape. I could have gone with her."

Joker hid his grin behind his mug. His father hadn't been running in…well, ever, that he remembered. He had about as much chance of keeping up with Shepard as Joker did.

His mother bustled in, Charlie on her heels. "Good morning." She eyed her son. "Jeffrey, is that how you dress to come to breakfast?"

He looked down at his t-shirt and boxers. "Sorry, didn't realize you'd instituted a dress code. Is breakfast a formal affair now?"

"Always with the smart mouth," she huffed as she poured some kibble into the dog's bowl. "Where's Samantha?"

"She went for a run," he repeated.

Louise looked appalled. "What kind of person goes running before breakfast?"

"_The kind who didn't get any last night_," he thought, but did not say. Exercise was anathema in the Moreau household, which was why his parents were almost as wide as they were tall.

"She was feeling cooped up," he said instead.

She poured herself a cup of coffee and took a sip. "Lord! This is strong!"

"Shep…Sam made it."

"I like it," his father offered as his mother glared. Joker wondered how much longer Shepard was going to be gone.

Louise sat at the table next to him. "I forgot to mention this to you last night. Since this is one of those rare occasions when you're home on your birthday - or near it, anyway – we thought we'd have a party for you tomorrow night."

Joker thought about his surprise party, and about how there was no way this one could live up to that (especially the after-party) but he managed to keep his musings to himself. "Okay," he replied, noncommittally.

"Just some of our friends from work; some family…oh, and your sister's flying in."

"Jules is coming?" he asked, perking up significantly.

"Yes, with Brian and the boys," Marc said. "You haven't even seen Logan yet, have you?"

"No." His sister had two boys. The last time he'd seen her, the older one had been a baby. He'd never met his youngest nephew.

"The party's going to be at the Sundown." That was a resort hotel in the downtown area. "Julia and her family are going to stay there since there's not enough room for everyone here."

"Shep…" Dammit, he couldn't stop calling her that. "Sam and I can move if they'd rather stay here," he offered. That would solve his intrusive mother and angry fiancée problem with one simple act.

"Nonsense!" his mother exclaimed. "We see them all the time. We want to spend time with you and Samantha. If you're going to be married, we should get to know her."

They discussed plans for the party a bit more, and then his mother stood and started breaking out the pots and pans. She was pulling eggs, milk, butter and other ingredients from the fridge when Shepard rematerialized at the back door.

Her cheeks and chest were flushed from exertion, and she was holding her side like she had a cramp. "Are you okay?" Joker asked her.

"Yeah," she said, wincing. "That bullet wound is bothering me. Can you take a look?" She raised her tank top, exposing bare midriff, and Joker looked at the healing wound.

"It looks okay to me," he said, running his fingertips over it. "It's not red, or swollen, or anything."

"I didn't think so, either. But it feels taut when I run, like it's pulling. Probably just scar tissue," she decided, dropping her top back into place. Joker glanced up to see both of his parents watching them, aghast.

"Sorry," Shepard said. "That probably wasn't appropriate conversation for meal time, huh?"

Surprisingly, Louise was the first to respond. "That's quite all right, dear. I was just going to make some eggs. Would you like some?"

"Sure."

"Would you like pancakes, as well?"

"Whatever you make, I'll eat. I'm not picky, especially when someone else is cooking."

"Wonderful. I was worried that a skinny little thing like you would be one of those health nuts or something."

Shepard laughed. "No, ma'am. You can ask Jeff – I eat plenty. But I should probably go get showered before we eat."

"That's fine, dear."

With a wink at Joker, Shepard disappeared.

As soon as she was gone, his mother slipped back into her chair at the table. "Jeffrey, please don't get mad at me, but I have to ask – are you _sure_ about this engagement?"

"Louise!" his father said, sternly. "This is none of your business."

"Of course it's my business! If I feel my only son is going to marry someone unsuitable, I have to speak up."

Joker fought to stay calm. "How am I not supposed to get angry with you for asking me that, Mom? You don't even know Shepard."

"Apparently, neither do you! You call your fiancée by her last name!"

"That's just habit. She's been my CO for years!"

"The woman is covered with scars!"

He thought about what they'd seen when Shepard had uncovered her abdomen. The scars from her fall were still visible, of course, but they were a shadow of what they'd once been. He didn't even notice them anymore. But apparently, his mother had. "She's a soldier! And she died! You already knew that, Mom!"

"She lives a life of violence, Jeffrey. I know that you think she's an honorable and dedicated person, and that you admire her. But she won't make a good wife and mother. Mark my words." His mother's mouth was set in a stubborn line.

"I'm sorry you feel that way. I love Shepard, and we're going to get married. You can accept it, or not, but that's the way it is."

"Is it the sex?" she asked him. "I saw you two last night! Sex can make men crazy, I know, but that's no reason to get married to someone!"

"Mom!"

"Louise!" his father admonished again. "That's enough!"

With a glare in her husband's direction, Joker's mother got up and resumed cooking, banging the cookware angrily. His father shot him an apologetic glance, which he returned with a grateful one.

They were sitting there silently, tension filling the room, when Shepard returned. She'd pulled on jeans and a tee, but she was barefoot and her hair was still damp. She had obviously hurried in order to not miss out on the food.

She glanced around the room, soaking in the change of atmosphere, and then turned to Joker, bewildered. "Okay. What did I miss?"

* * *

><p>Luckily, everyone wasn't together again until dinnertime. They decided to go to a local restaurant that had been a family favorite when the younger Moreaus had still lived at home. Apparently, his parents still ate there on occasion, because the hostess greeted them by name when they arrived. She sat them at a booth in the dining room. Shepard sat next to Marc, and across from Joker, which left him seated next to his mother.<p>

They ordered pizza and a pitcher of beer. The restaurant was bustling and boisterous, which made conversation somewhat challenging.

"So," Marc said to Shepard. "I imagine you know your way around a gun, being in your line of work."

"Well, I know how to use one. I'm not much on custom mods and stuff like that."

"I only ask because – I don't know if Jeff told you this or not – I spent most of my career working in weapons development, particularly military applications."

"Really? No, I didn't know. Well, I have sniper training, and I have a Viper that I prefer to use at long range. It's accurate and has a decent clip size, especially if you use your shots efficiently."

Marc nodded. "That's a good weapon, though I wasn't involved in its dev at all. Rosenkov makes it, right?"

"Mm hmm. For short range, I have a Locust SMG that I like."

"No! You use the Locust?" Marc exclaimed as the waitress arrived with the beer and salads. "I was on Kassa's concept team for that gun!"

"Really?" Shepard asked, taking a bite of her salad. "I love it, only I think there's something off with the heat sink on mine. No matter what I do, it overheats like crazy."

"Well, it wasn't originally designed to utilize thermal clips. The mod is fairly simple, but if the person doesn't know what they're doing…"

Louise shot Joker a disapproving look, as if it were his fault that Shepard and his father were having this conversation. He remembered her earlier comment about Shepard being violent, and felt himself immediately growing defensive. But he was still entirely unprepared when she said to him, "You'll never guess who I ran into at the store today."

"Who?"

"Shari."

Joker choked on his lettuce, which drew concerned looks from his father and Shepard, but he waved them off and took a slug of his beer. The coughing gradually subsided. His mother sat munching innocently on her salad.

Once he could speak again, he merely said, "Huh. That's quite a coincidence, don't you think?"

"How so?"

"Do you see Shari often?"

"Not really," she admitted.

"So, you just happened to run into her while I'm home visiting, is that it?"

"Really, Jeffrey, I don't know what you're implying. The clinic where she works is in the same plaza as the grocery store. She was on her lunch break. There's no nefarious plot afoot."

"Okay."

They ate silently for a few beats while Shepard and Marc continued their animated discussion on the other side of the table.

"She asked about you," Louise informed him.

"That's nice."

"You should give her a call while you're here. I think she'd like to see you."

Joker shook his head disbelievingly. "Really, Mom? You think she'd enjoy spending time with me and my _fiancée_?" he asked, putting special emphasis on the last word.

His mother ignored his implication. "I always felt bad that things ended the way that they did between the two of you."

Joker was saved from having to respond to this by the arrival of the pizza. They all dug in, and their individual conversations were dropped in favor of some all-inclusive small talk. Joker's parents were fascinated by anecdotes about the alien members of the Normandy, and in turn, they shared amusing tales about the grandkids – especially the older one, who was apparently a handful. "Just like you were when you were growing up," Louise advised him.

They were just finishing their meal when the sounds of a band tuning up began leaking through from the adjoining bar. Louise frowned at the cacophony, but Shepard's face lit up.

"I haven't seen a band in so long! Do you want to stay for a bit and check them out?"

"Fine by me," Marc responded, quickly. He took out his wallet and placed his credit chit on the table.

"I'll see if I can find us a table," Shepard said excitedly as she started for the archway that connected the bar to the restaurant. With a quick glance at his mother, who looked none too pleased, Joker followed.

He reached the entrance and glanced around in time to see Shepard settling at a small, round table at the edge of a cramped dance floor. She waved him over with a grin.

Joker's parents arrived just as the band introduced themselves and broke into an upbeat number. The crowd seemed to recognize the tune and the dance floor grew crowded very quickly. Joker didn't know the song, but that didn't mean anything. The band was tight and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves.

A waitress came and took their drink orders. The band played another fast song, and then, after a short pause, started a ballad. Couples flooded the floor, and Shepard said to Joker, "Let's dance."

"He can't dance, dear," his mother interjected.

Shepard shot her a dismissive look and then stood, extending her hand to him. "C'mon."

"No, thanks."

A look of hurt and confusion passed over her face. Joker felt a surge of guilt, but he remained steadfast in his refusal. The way they usually 'danced' was not something he felt comfortable doing in front of his parents, and trying to dance like a normal person would just be embarrassing for him.

Marc came to his rescue. "Would you grant me the courtesy of this dance, young lady?" he asked Shepard, standing and taking her outstretched hand. With one last injured look at Joker, she nodded and followed him onto the dance floor.

The song ended, and Shepard and Marc were headed back to the table when a young man approached Shepard. He was tall, muscular and very good looking. Everything from his buzz cut to his spit-shined shoes screamed military. He said something to Shepard and she demurred, shaking her head. He cocked his head and gave her an imploring look, and with a quick glance toward their table, she acquiesced. They backtracked to the dance floor while Marc came and retook his seat, giving Joker a rueful look.

The soldier was completely respectful, keeping his hands to himself as they danced. The table of jarheads he'd been sitting with took pictures surreptitiously, no doubt eager to share images of their buddy dancing with Commander Shepard on the extranet. The marine leaned in and said something, and Shepard threw back her head and laughed. Jealousy twisted in Joker's gut. It'd been a long time since he'd seen her laugh like that for anyone other than him.

When the song ended, Shepard's dance partner snapped off a salute. Brushing it off, she extended her hand. Apparently emboldened, he pointed toward his pals. She nodded and followed him to their table. They all jumped up excitedly, greeting her deferentially. One of them enlisted the help of a patron at a nearby table, and they took a group photo with a smiling Shepard in the middle. After another round of acknowledgments, she extricated herself and returned to the table.

She sat and took a sip of her drink. Joker leaned over and said, "I want to go."

"Fine."

"Do you want to say goodbye to your friend?" he asked, sarcasm dripping from the words.

"Bite me," she snapped back, standing and draining her glass. She stalked from the room.

The ride home was strained and silent, but luckily, it was also short. When they entered the foyer of the house, Shepard turned to Marc. "Thank you for dinner and the dance."

"You're welcome, Sam."

Without a glance at Joker or Louise, Shepard stomped up the stairs and slammed the bedroom door. With a look that Joker assumed was supposed to be sympathetic, but actually came off as rather smug, his mother said good night and followed in her wake.

Joker shot his father a helpless look.

"All she wanted was a dance," Marc said, not unkindly, giving his son's shoulder a gentle pat. Then he went upstairs, as well, leaving Joker standing alone in the empty room.


	12. Don't Want to Lose You Now

"_I know we're good together_

_If everyone knows and everyone can see_

_What you do to me_

_I don't want to lose you now_

_I promise I'll make it better"_

**I Don't Want to Lose You Now – Gin Blossoms**

* * *

><p>Joker woke the next morning to a kick in the gut as the dog launched himself off the couch where he'd been sleeping next to him. He winced as he tried to turn his head and was hampered by the crick in his neck. He heard kibble hit the dog's bowl, and the sound of his parents stage-whispering in the kitchen – primarily about their plans for the day and why their youngest child was asleep in the living room. His mother speculated that Shepard was to blame. His father remained ambivalent.<p>

Joker feigned sleep until he heard them leave the house. He was sitting up, trying to gather his wits about him, when he heard the bedroom door open upstairs. Apparently, Shepard had been utilizing the same strategy – waiting for the silence to alert her that it was safe to emerge. She was about halfway down the stairs when she spotted him.

"Oh. Hey."

Her expression and tone were neutral. She was dressed in a tank and a pair of his boxers, hair up in a messy top knot, and despite her disheveled state, he felt a sudden rush of desire. All this fighting was putting a serious crimp in their sex life. He was gratified to see her gaze drop to his bare chest and he allowed himself a smirk as he imagined that maybe she was thinking the same thing. She seemed to intuit his musings, because when she met his eyes again and saw the grin, her eyes narrowed.

"I think there's coffee in the kitchen," he supplied, helpfully.

"Thanks," she said grudgingly as she passed through the living room and into the kitchen. He heard her moving around, opening cupboards and drawers. Eventually, there was a scrape of chair on floor, and the commotion quieted. He ventured tentatively into the kitchen after her.

She was seated at the table with a mug of steaming coffee and a bowl of fruit in front of her. She was eating the fruit with her fingers. The dog was seated on the floor next to her, watching intently. He poured himself a cup of coffee and grabbed a fork out of the drawer, sliding it to her as he joined her at the table.

"What's this?" she asked, not picking up the utensil.

"I thought you might want it."

"I'm good," she responded, sliding it back.

He gave her a curious look. "Your hands are getting all sticky," he observed as juice ran down her wrist. He set the fork down next to her. "Just take it."

"I said, I don't want it." She tossed it back in his direction, where, either intentionally or inadvertently, it bounced off the table top, stabbed him in the chest and clattered to the floor.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he asked, irritated now.

"What's wrong with me? You want to know what's wrong with me?" Her voice rose during this question until it was at a frequency that Joker was sure all the dogs in the neighborhood could hear. Charlie confirmed this suspicion by whining and running from the room.

"Hmm, I don't know. Maybe my problem is that before we got here, I was actually under the mistaken impression that there were things that you liked about me. But now I find out that I'm too loud during sex, you're embarrassed to dance with me, and I can't even eat a damn bowl of fruit correctly! So, I think the better question is, what the hell is wrong with _you_?" She pushed away from the table and stomped back into the living room.

Joker followed. "You're being ridiculous."

She spun on her heel. "Oh, really? I'm ridiculous, too? Well, why don't you just add it to the damn list!"

"So, your idea of conflict resolution is to throw a fork at me? Real mature."

"Fuck you."

Joker suddenly became aware of the front door opening. "Hello?" a tentative voice called. Charlie reappeared from the back of the house, yapping frantically.

He recognized the voice immediately. "Jules!"

"Little brother!" With a delighted cry, his sister ran past Shepard and gathered him into a warm embrace. It was hampered a bit by the fact that she held a small child in one arm, but it still felt fantastic.

She held him tightly until the baby started to fuss, and then reluctantly released him. The dog sniffed her leg, tail wagging happily. She leaned over and gave him a scratch, and his tongue lolled gratefully.

She looked Joker over with a critical eye. "You look good, bro. You shaved the beard. I like it."

"Yeah, well, I'm not sure if it's going to be permanent or not." He glanced over at Shepard, who was standing near the bottom of the stairs, a few feet from his older nephew. They were eyeing each other warily. "Jules, I want you to meet Commander Sam Shepard. Shep, this is my sister, Julia."

"It's such an honor to meet you," Julia said to Shepard. "I've heard so many good things about you."

"Really? From whom? It couldn't have been from your brother. As it turns out, he doesn't really care for me much."

"Shepard," he said, rolling his eyes.

"I see you haven't lost your way with the ladies," Jules said sotte voce. Then, in a more normal tone, she said, "You remember Tyler, right? And this little guy is Logan. Guys, this is your Uncle Jeff."

The baby observed him solemnly while Tyler ventured across the room to wrap himself around his mother's leg. Charlie whined unhappily at being displaced as the boy peered out at Joker shyly.

"Hey, Tyler. I bet you don't remember me. I haven't seen you since you were a baby. You sure have grown a bunch."

His nephew ducked his face away. Jules said apologetically, "It takes him a little while to warm to people he doesn't know."

To Joker's surprise, Shepard crossed the room and knelt next to Tyler. "Hey, Tyler, do you like spaceships?"

The boy hesitated, but then nodded slowly.

"You flew here on a spaceship, right?"

Tyler nodded again, a little more confidently this time.

"Well, your Uncle Jeff is a pilot. Do you know what that means?"

He shook his head.

"It means he flies spaceships. That's pretty cool, huh?"

Tyler turned wide eyes on Joker. He felt like he had just gained some street cred with the pre-school set.

"In fact, I have a model of the ship that he flies. It's called the Normandy. Do you want to see what it looks like?"

The boy nodded enthusiastically and took a step towards Shepard, extending his hand. "Is it okay?" Shepard asked Julia.

"God, yes! Be my guest!"

Shepard took Tyler's hand and they started the slow trek up the stairs. Each step was a Herculean effort for his little legs, but Shepard waited patiently for him to climb them on his own. The dog raced up the stairs ahead of them. When they were out of earshot, Jules turned back to Joker.

"That was amazing. I feel like that kid's been attached to my leg since birth. She's great."

"Yeah."

"So, why are you pissing her off? When I got here, I thought it was Mom and Dad in here doing all that yelling."

He sighed and gestured to the couch. They sat. "I don't know. Ever since we got here, things have been all fucked up."

"Ah. Mom's up to her old tricks, huh?"

"Of course. And to make it worse, she's fake nicey-nice to Shepard's face, all the while whispering insidious things in my ear about her. So, we're constantly fighting, and Shepard thinks it's all my fault!"

"Oh, yeah," his sister said, nodding sagely. "She did the same thing to me. Can you believe that Brian actually thought Mom liked him in the beginning?" She snickered at her husband's naiveté.

"Wait. I thought Mom did like Brian."

"Uh uhn. She had a whole laundry list of things that were wrong with him before we got married. But once he gave her grandkids, well…she's changed her attitude to tolerant, at least. I don't suppose Shepard would be willing to pop out a kid or two right quick?"

"Not likely."

"Too bad. Look, little brother, I know you hate confrontation, but sooner or later, you're going to have to stand up to her." She shifted Logan from one leg to the other.

"What are you talking about?"

"Jeff. Come on. I know you saw joining the Alliance as your big rebellious gesture, but really, you were just running away." She held up her hand before he could protest. "Don't get me wrong. I couldn't be more proud of you, and I brag about you all the time to my friends. But rather than deal with Mom and her control issues, you left. And so, things remain the same."

He sighed. "I know. You're right. But she's just being protective. She can't help it."

Jules snorted. "She treats you like a child."

"So, how do I change it?"

"Damned if I know. But what I do know is that I have several years of messages from my cynical, hard-hearted brother going on and on about the wonderful Commander Shepard. And now, you guys are together, and for whatever reason, she seems willing to put up with you. If you blow that, you're an idiot."

"Thanks, sis."

"Anytime."

"Where's Brian, by the way?"

"Oh, he went to check into the hotel. We were originally planning to be here yesterday, and he wanted to make sure they didn't give our room away."

They were interrupted by the sound of Shepard and Tyler making their way back down the stairs. She had taken the opportunity to pull on some jeans and brush her hair. When they reached the bottom, the child ran to his mother with the model clutched in his tiny hand.

"Look, Mom! It's Uncle Jeff's ship!"

"Wow! That's pretty cool, huh?"

He wiggled his way onto the couch between Julia and Joker. Logan tried to snatch the toy from his hand, but he deftly moved it out of his brother's reach. Tyler held it out for Joker's inspection. It was a model of the original Normandy, which made Joker feel sentimental and nostalgic.

"Where do you sit, Uncle Jeff?" Tyler asked, eagerly.

"Well, the pilot sits in the cockpit. It's up front," he pointed on the model, "so I can see where we're going. Otherwise, there could be trouble." Tyler giggled. "On this ship, the engine is over here. These are the thrusters. And the guns are here."

"It's a fighting ship?" his nephew asked with awe.

"It sure is. One of the best. And then, over here is where we sleep and eat."

"You live on the ship?"

"Yep. And not just me. I'm the pilot, but Sam here is the boss of this whole ship and everyone on it – including me."

Tyler's eyes looked ready to bug out of his head. "You're the boss of the whole ship?" he asked Shepard. She nodded, looking bemused by Joker's obvious attempt to suck up.

"She's the commander," Joker told him. "Commander Shepard."

"Wow," the child breathed. He paused for a moment, appearing to mull this over. "Auntie Sam, will you play starship with me?" He hopped off of the couch, obviously having deduced that commander was way cooler than pilot.

"Sure," Shepard said as they found a spot on the floor on the other side of the living room. Not wanting to be left out, Logan squirmed until his mother placed him on the floor. He wobbled over to where his brother and Shepard were playing and plopped down gracelessly onto his diapered butt.

"I hope she doesn't mind the 'Auntie' thing," Jules said quietly to Joker. "He must have presumed that if you're uncle, she's auntie."

"I don't think so," he replied, watching Shepard playing with the boys. "Besides, she's going to be Auntie Sam soon – assuming she hasn't changed her mind."

It took Jules a moment to process this, and then she squealed with delight and started hugging him again. This drew glances from the assemblage on the floor, but the ruckus was quickly dismissed as being less important than their game.

"You're getting married? My little brother is finally getting married?"

"What's with the 'finally'? I just turned thirty, you know."

"I never thought this day would come."

"Yeah, yeah."

"No wonder Mom's freaking out."

"Oh, and I forgot to tell you – you'll never guess who she brought up last night?" he said, glancing over to make sure Shepard wasn't listening.

"Who?"

"Shari."

His sister scowled. "That bitch?"

"Jules."

"What?"

"She wasn't that bad."

"Yes, she was."

"Anyway," he said, trying to get back on topic. "Mom said she 'ran into her' at the store and wanted me to call her."

"Oh my god. Seriously? But she never liked her."

"I know."

"She knew Shari was a bossy shrew, and she didn't want the competition. Damn," she pondered for a moment. "She must really hate Sam."

"This is what I'm saying."

"What does Dad think about Sam?"

"Are you kidding? Dad adores her. I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual. At this rate, she's going to run off with him and leave me stuck with Mom."

Jules laughed. "Yikes. Scary thought."

"You're telling me."

There was a screech from the play group, and then Logan toddled back towards his mother, tears streaking his face.

"Tyler, let your brother have a turn!" she admonished automatically. The older child ignored this and continued playing as she picked up the crying baby.

"Sorry," Shepard said. "I'm not sure what the rules are supposed to be."

"It's not your fault. Sharing is something we're still working on. You're great with them, by the way. Are you guys planning on having some of your own?"

An awkward silence greeted this as Joker and Shepard exchanged a glance. They hadn't ever discussed this particular topic.

Sensing their hesitation, Jules said, "Someday, I mean? Not right now, of course."

"Maybe," Joker said, and Jules had enough sense to let it drop.

Joker and Julia chatted for a while longer until Logan started fussing more insistently. "We should probably head over to the hotel and check on Daddy. Someone needs a nap."

"Mommy?" Joker suggested.

"Her, too," Jules agreed. She stood, hoisting the baby in her arms. "Tell Mom and Dad we're here, and we'll see you tonight, okay? C'mon, Tyler, we're gonna go see Daddy."

The boy stood and reluctantly handed the model starship back to Shepard, who was still sitting on the floor next to him. "Oh, no, you can have that, kiddo. It's yours," she said.

"What do you say, Tyler?" Julia prompted.

"Thank you, Auntie Sam," he said shyly, wrapping his arms around her neck. She looked both surprised and touched by the gesture as she awkwardly hugged him back.

"You're welcome."

"Say goodbye to Uncle Jeff."

"'Bye, Uncle Jeff," his nephew said dutifully, running over and giving him a cursory squeeze. Then he ran for the door, flying his spaceship as he went.

"Well, I guess I know where I rate," Joker said to Jules, rising to see them off.

"Yeah, join the club," she said, giving him a more thorough embrace. "See you later, Sam."

"Nice to meet you."

"You, too." She grabbed her bag and herded the kids out the door.

Once it closed, Joker and Shepard stood looking at each other awkwardly for a few beats. He noticed for the first time that her eyes were red-rimmed and had dark circles under them. Perhaps she hadn't slept any better than he had last night. He didn't know if that made him feel better or worse. Suddenly, their earlier argument seemed even more pointless. Had they really been fighting over a _fork_? He didn't care whose fault it was – he was tired of fighting. He would apologize; suck it up; take one for the team.

But before he had a chance to say anything, Shepard said, "I need to check my messages."

"Oh. Yeah. Okay."

With one last glance in his direction, she went back up the stairs. He heard the bedroom door snick shut softly as he sat back down on the couch. Charlie jumped up next to him and licked his hand. He patted the dog absently as the silence echoed around him.

* * *

><p>Later that evening, they were in Joker's room, getting ready for the party. An uneasy truce had settled and Joker was grateful for the reprieve. Shepard was wearing the black dress with the halter top. It wasn't as fancy as the dress she'd worn to his other birthday party, but it was the dress she'd been wearing the first night they'd had sex, so he had a special fondness for it and the memories it evoked. He wore his suit with a shirt he'd borrowed from his dad, since Shepard had destroyed the one they'd purchased on Illium…more fond memories.<p>

His mind was wandering down this trail of happy remembrances when Shepard spoke. "I think we need to talk about what your sister said before…about us having kids." She was putting on her makeup, looking in the mirror with her back to him.

Joker pulled himself out of his reverie and tried to focus on his tie. "Don't worry about it. She was just being nosy. It's not a big deal."

"There's something I need to tell you. When Cerberus put me back together, they weren't really all that concerned with my reproductive organs. Miranda assured me that they're all there, but I've had some issues since I've come back. If we decided to conceive, it might take a while, or it might not happen at all. I don't know for sure, which is why we've been taking precautions, but I thought you should know."

He digested this for a moment, and then he simply said, "Okay."

She turned around to face him. "That's it? 'Okay?'"

"Yeah. What did you expect me to say? 'Forget it, then, the engagement's off?'"

"Well, no, but…"

"Look, Shepard, you don't know anything for sure, so it's pointless to worry about it now. If we get to the point in our lives where the biggest thing we have to worry about is whether or not we can start a family, I will be goddamn thrilled. And if we can't, then it'll just be the two of us. Or we can do fertility treatments. Or we adopt. There are plenty of kids out there growing up the way you did who need a good home."

"I'm not even sure I want to be a mom," she said, clearly gauging his reaction. "I'm not sure I'd know how, having never had one myself."

"I think today proved that you have potential. But if you decide that you don't, I think I could live with that, too."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. You're the one I want. The rest is just icing on the cake."

She approached and took over straightening his tie. When she was satisfied, she looked him in the eye. "That went a long way towards earning you some goodwill. You know that, don't you?"

"I need all the help I can get."

"Yes, you do." She kissed him. "But I still love you."

"Good to hear. And despite your many flaws, which have only just recently come to light, I love you, too." As she pushed him away, flipping him the bird, he said, "I'm kidding! I'm totally kidding! C'mon, Shep, it was a joke!"


	13. If You Could Only See

"_Well, you got your reasons_

_And you got your lies_

_And you got your manipulations_

_They cut me down to size"_

**If You Could Only See - Tonic**

* * *

><p>When they arrived at the hotel ballroom, the staff was still setting up. Louise bustled off to oversee the project. Julia and Brian appeared a short while later with the kids. Tyler was dressed in a suit with no tie, and the baby was in his pajamas.<p>

"This way, when he konks out, one of us can just bring him upstairs," Jules explained. She gave Marc a kiss on the cheek. "Hi, Dad."

"Hello, sweetheart. Hey there, grandson," he said, chucking Logan under the chin. The baby grinned and drooled.

"Grandma, grandma!" Tyler cried, rushing off to tackle Louise.

"Hey, man, it's good to see you," Brian said, extending his hand to Joker. "Happy birthday."

"Thanks. Good to see you, too." Joker introduced his brother-in-law to Shepard.

Tyler came running back over. "Auntie Sam! Look!" He proudly displayed the replica Normandy she had given to him earlier.

"I'm glad to see you're taking such good care of that, Tyler," she said, placing a hand gently on top of his head. "Do you think you might want to be a pilot like your Uncle Jeff someday?"

Tyler glanced at Joker, then back to Shepard. "Or a 'mander, like you!"

Shepard laughed and turned to Joker. "Sorry. I tried."

"I appreciate it, but it ain't gonna happen. The kid's way too smart to want to be a lowly lieutenant."

Louise approached the group. "Hello, darling," she said to Julia as she plucked the baby from her arms. "Brian."

"Hi, Mom," Julia replied, but her greeting was lost as Louise's focus was already entirely on her grandson. Jules caught Joker's eye and shook her head, rolling her eyes.

The adults stood chatting for a while until the first guests started to arrive and they were forced to remove themselves from the entryway where they were blocking traffic. The two younger couples meandered toward the bar while Louise and Marc greeted their family and friends and showed off their grandchildren.

"I don't even know half of these people," Joker griped to Julia as they stood waiting for their drinks.

"I think a lot of them are people Mom and Dad know from work. We've probably met them once or twice over the years, but it's been a while. Over there, that's Uncle Dave and Aunt Gloria. You remember them, right? They lived down the street when we lived at the old house."

"Uh…no, not really."

"They're not really our aunt and uncle. Gloria is Mom's aunt's daughter."

"Oh, well, that clears it up."

She elbowed him. "Hey, I'm just trying to help here."

They retrieved their drinks and the four of them moved to the side to allow others to get through to the bar. Shepard and Brian were getting to know each other while Julia and Joker scanned the room looking for other people they knew, or at least recognized. Joker's gaze passed over the entrance and he choked on his beer. Julia spotted the person a moment later and her jaw dropped.

"What the hell is she doing here?" she hissed to Joker.

"How the hell should I know?" he spit back. They looked at each other.

"Mom," they said in unison. Meanwhile, the unexpected guest had spotted them, and she approached uncertainly.

"Hi, Jeff," she said, shyly. "Happy birthday."

"Shari," he said. "It's nice to see you. I didn't know you were going to be here."

"Your mom invited me. I hope that's okay?" she asked, looking worried.

"Yeah, of course. I was just surprised. You remember my sister, Julia?"

"Sure. Hi."

"Hello." The two women eyed each other coolly.

By now, Shepard and Brian had stopped their conversation and were observing the newcomer curiously.

"This is Julia's husband, Brian," Joker said, as Brian extended his hand. "And this is my fiancée, Sam. Guys, this is Shari."

Shepard extended her hand, but Shari had already turned away to look at Joker, her expression shocked.

"Your fiancée?"

"Yes?" he replied. He wasn't sure why it came out like a question.

"Your mom didn't mention that you were engaged." Shari said this accusingly, as if that were Joker's fault.

"Oh, well…she didn't know until just recently." He didn't know why he was covering for his mother. She had certainly known when she'd "run into" Shari at the store, if that was what had really happened. But somehow, it didn't seem like the time or place to admit in front of everyone that she had most likely engineered this uncomfortable reunion.

Shari returned her gaze to Shepard and began blatantly sizing her up. Shepard's posture changed as she registered the challenge. She adopted her commander pose – crossed arms and cocked hip. The standoff continued for several long moments. Then Shari dropped the bomb.

"We were engaged once, too, you know. I hope you have more luck getting him to the altar than I did."

Joker sucked in air, but to Shepard's credit, her expression didn't change. For all the rest of them knew, this could have been old news to her. Only Joker knew that it wasn't. Her eyes flicked back and forth between him and Shari a few times, and then she calmly turned to Julia and said, "Why don't we go get another drink? I think Shari and Jeff have some catching up to do."

Joker had to admire her style. It was as cool a dismissal of his ex's importance as he had ever seen. At the same time, she was abandoning him to deal with the repercussions of his past on his own.

Julia nodded and the two of them turned to go. With one last pitying glance in Joker's direction, Brian followed.

"Was that really necessary?" he asked angrily once they were gone.

"I just assumed that she already knew. She's your fiancée. Don't you tell each other everything?" Shari asked with mock innocence.

"Cut the crap. You were banking on the fact that she didn't know any more about you than you did about her. And the reason I never told her about us is because it wasn't important."

He'd meant that to wound her, and yet, he felt a sharp pang of guilt when he saw the hurt in her eyes. He took a calming breath. "Look, Shari, I didn't mean that. It was important at the time. You were important. But it was a long time ago, and it doesn't matter anymore."

"It matters to me," she said, softly.

"But why? I don't understand. You were the one that said you wanted to end it."

"What are you talking about?"

"You said, and I quote, 'If you get on that ship and leave, don't bother coming back.'" He surprised himself by remembering the words verbatim. Maybe he was hanging on to more of the past than he'd thought.

"Only because I didn't think you'd really go! We were engaged! I wasn't expecting you to just take off for good."

"Shari, come on. I was young. We both were. I wanted to go places; see things. Even if we'd gotten married, it never would have worked out. You have to realize that by now."

For the first time since he'd introduced her to Shepard, her expression softened. "Yeah, I guess. But I was still really hurt when you left. Despite what your mother and sister thought of me, I honestly did love you."

Joker reached out and gave her hand a squeeze. "I loved you, too. You were my first girlfriend. My first…everything," he said, and they both laughed self-consciously. "And I'm sorry if I hurt you. I never meant to do that. I just needed to go out into the world and see what I could do, you know?"

"Quite a bit, I'd say. You're so different now. Confident." She looked wistful. "And your fiancée is…" She searched for words and failed to find the right ones.

"Intimidating?" he suggested.

She smiled. "Yes, I suppose. Although I was going to say something more like self-possessed." She looked over to where Shepard was standing with Julia and Brian, her back to them as if she couldn't care less what they were doing or saying. "If my fiancé's ex showed up, I'd rip her eyes out."

"She knows she has nothing to worry about. I'm the one prone to acting like a jealous, obnoxious fool." He hadn't ever really thought about it until the words came out of his mouth, but he realized immediately that it was true and wondered why. He trusted Shepard as much as she trusted him. So why the insecurity?

He didn't have time to dwell on it, though, because Shari turned back to him and said, "Well, she's a lucky woman. And I hope you'll be happy together." She managed a wan smile.

"Thanks. And it is good to see you again. I'm glad that you came."

"Me too." She gave him a quick hug and then said, "I'm going to grab a drink. I'll catch up with you later."

As she walked away, Joker took another quick look around the room. There were about 50 people in attendance now, and the wait staff was circulating with trays of appetizers. There was a line at the bar. Music played quietly in the background, barely audible over the hum of conversation. It was the opposite of the raucous party they'd had on Illium in every way possible. It felt more like a wedding…or a wake.

He shuffled toward where Shepard was standing with his sister and brother-in-law, and reached them just as his father arrived from the other direction.

"Sam," Marc said. "I'd like to introduce you to some of my co-workers, if you don't mind. They're really excited to meet you."

"Sure," she said, shooting Joker a questioning look. He nodded, indicating that everything was okay and she should go ahead.

"I'll bring her right back, I promise," Marc assured him as he took Shepard's arm and herded her away.

"Right," Joker muttered under his breath.

"So?" Jules asked, fishing for details about his conversation with Shari.

"I'll fill you in later," he assured her.

Louise approached their little group, Logan in her arms. "I think somebody needs his diaper changed," she said, handing him to Jules, who quickly passed him along to her husband. Brian sighed, put down his drink and carried the child toward the exit.

"Hey, Mom," Joker said, putting a restraining hand on her arm before she could disappear again. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Of course, dear. Are you enjoying the party?"

"Not particularly. Why didn't you tell me that you'd invited Shari?"

"Didn't I? It must have slipped my mind. Did you two have a nice catch-up? You didn't talk for very long."

"I got ambushed by my ex-girlfriend at my birthday party, Mom. Why? Why would you do that?"

"I just thought it would be nice…"

"Bullshit." He cut her off. His voice was rising, and Jules shot him a cautionary glance, but he ignored it. "This needs to stop. Now."

"What are you talking about?" Louise's tone was a mixture of innocence and defensiveness.

"It's Shepard, Mom. Shepard. It doesn't matter what you think, or what you want. I've made my choice. You don't have to like it, but you do have to respect my decision."

Louise glanced around furtively. "Keep your voice down, Jeffrey."

"No, Mom. I won't. I've had enough. Are you hearing what I'm saying to you?"

"She's going to hurt you!" Louise hissed, meeting his angry gaze with her own.

"Mom," Jules warned, but they both ignored her.

"What are you talking about?" For one moment, a frisson of doubt ran through him. Had his mother heard or seen something that had made her suspicious? But then he reminded himself that she was just being irrational and her fears had no basis in reality.

"Look at her!" Louise exclaimed, motioning toward where Shepard stood surrounded by a group of his dad's cronies. They all appeared to be hanging on her every word.

"What am I supposed to be looking at?"

"She's a beautiful woman, Jeffrey. Strong. Intelligent. Charming. She has a magnetism that draws people to her, especially men. What happens when…?" She trailed off.

"When what?" he responded, but suddenly, his entire worldview tilted on its axis, and he understood. "Oh, my god." He gaped at his mother in disbelief.

"Jeff." This time Jules' warning was for him, but he ignored that, as well.

"You think that she's going to leave me," he stated, incredulously. "That one day, she's going to find someone better, and just walk away."

"That's not what I meant," Louise interrupted, but he steamrolled over her.

"You're convinced that she's going to wake up one morning and think, 'What the hell am I doing with this cripple?' Is that it?" His voice had risen to a crescendo, and they were drawing curious glances from some of the surrounding partygoers.

"Jeffrey! That's enough! You're being ridiculous."

He shook his head in disgust, leaning in close to deliver his parting shot. "Not five minutes ago, I was wondering why I'm always so worried about holding onto Shepard; why I'm so damn insecure. Now I know, huh? _You're_ that voice in my head telling me I'm not good enough; telling me I'm just some fragile kid who can't do anything. And I never realized. I made excuses for you. That's how pathetic I am."

"Jeffrey…"

"Just for the record, Mom, Shepard knows who I am and she loves me, anyway…as hard as that may be for you to believe. So, do me a favor and just butt the hell out of my life." He turned his back on his mother and stalked out of the room.

* * *

><p>Jules caught up with him in the lobby of the hotel.<p>

"Jeff."

"Not now. I need a minute, Jules."

They exited through the glass doors into the cool, manufactured night air. There was a circular drive where guests were being picked up and dropped off, and in the center, there was a fountain with a half-wall surrounding it. Joker crossed the drive and sat on the abutment. Occasionally, a few droplets would escape the water feature and splash him, but the moisture felt good on his overheated skin. Jules followed and settled next to him.

They sat in silence for a while, and then Jules said, "Are you ready to talk?"

"No."

"I think you were a little hard on Mom."

"Jules."

"Just hear me out. I know I was the one who said you needed to stand up to her. And I know she's being a lunatic about the whole Shepard thing. But bro, you have to know…Mom adores you. You're her only son, and the baby of the family. Whatever her twisted thought process entails, I can assure you that it doesn't include the idea that you're not good enough…for anyone, or anything."

"That's not what it sounded like to me."

She sighed, and they listened to the rush of the water for a few beats. Then Jules said, "When you're a parent, your whole world becomes about keeping your kids safe. It's a struggle to ever let them out of your sight, even for a minute, because you imagine all the bad things that could happen if you're not there watching out for them. I don't imagine that changes just because your kids grow up."

"What are you saying? Now you're taking her side?"

"No. You're a grown man, capable of making your own decisions and living your own life. Our mother has yet to acknowledge or accept that. On the other hand, I don't think that she's had a full night's sleep since you joined the Alliance. What you do is dangerous, and we all worry about you. And that has nothing to do with the Vrolik's."

Joker was silent, considering her words. He saw Shepard emerge from the hotel exit and glance around. She spotted them and after a moment's hesitation, headed in their direction. Jules gave him a pat on the shoulder and said, "Just think about what I said, okay?"

"Sure."

"I'll let you two talk."

"Thanks," he said as his sister rose and walked in Shepard's direction.

The two women crossed paths about halfway to the entrance. Jules said something to Shepard; she glanced his way and nodded. Jules gave her arm an encouraging squeeze and then continued on her way.

Shepard arrived and sat next to him, close enough that they were touching, but she didn't say anything. They didn't look at each other. After a moment, Shepard said, "I'm sorry."

That was the last thing he'd expected, and he glanced at her in surprise.

"I know this visit was important to you and it hasn't gone very well."

"It's not your fault…just the latest chapter in the book of Moreau family dysfunction."

"I could have tried harder, been more understanding. I'm not good at this. I don't know what's expected."

"Shepard, stop. My mother wasn't going to like you no matter what you did. It has nothing to do with you. On the other hand, I think my father's in love with you. And despite the fact that he's better looking than me and makes more money, I hope you won't let him steal you away. Just make sure you let him down easy."

Shepard laughed. "I don't know. The Moreau men are hard to resist."

"And we're grateful that you think so. But in all seriousness, I'm the one who should be apologizing to you. I've been acting like an ass." When Shepard didn't respond, he quipped, "Thank you for that quick denial."

She glanced at him. "It's not even that you've been an ass. You being an ass, I can deal with. I think I've proven that on many occasions. But ever since we got here, you haven't been acting like _you_. Not the you that I know, anyway. It freaked me out, to be honest. I may have overreacted a bit."

Joker sighed. "I know. I come back here, and it's like, I'm a fourteen year old kid again, you know? The weird kid with the disease. The one that the grown-ups were always telling that he couldn't do things. I don't know. Sometimes it feels like, underneath it all, that's who I really am."

Shepard was quiet for a minute, and then she raised her gaze to his. Her face was mere inches away. "Or maybe, you've always been the smart, sexy, badass pilot I fell in love with, and you just needed the opportunity to prove them all wrong."

"You think so?"

"I know so. Everyone's awkward and unsure of themselves at fourteen. But you're not fourteen anymore, Jeff. Don't let other people define you. Not even people who love you. Not even me."

"But I like your definition," he grinned. "What was it? Smart, sexy…"

"Yeah, yeah."

"Oh, and badass. Can't forget that."

She was shaking her head. "I think I left out a few things…frustrating, arrogant, stubborn."

He reached up, cupped the back of her neck. "Thanks for putting up with me. Really. I'm sorry for the way I've been behaving. I hope you haven't changed your mind about marrying me."

"Not yet," she replied, resting her forehead against his.

"Hey," he said, inspiration hitting suddenly. "Do you feel like causing a ruckus?"

"Always," she said, face lighting up with anticipation.

"C'mon, then. I owe you a dance."


	14. Let It Out

_"This is ours, we made it with our everything_

_Something real, as real as it could ever be_

_You gave me all of yourself, I gave you all of me_

_Now set it free from yourself for everyone to see"_

**Let It Out - Hoobastank**

* * *

><p>Joker and Shepard walked back into the ballroom, hand in hand. He led her over to the DJ, but indicated that she should wait while he had a word with him. When Joker told the DJ what he wanted, he quickly agreed. Once they had the details worked out, he cut the music and handed Joker the microphone.<p>

"Hello? Hi, can everybody hear me out there?"

Slowly, conversation dwindled to a halt as the guests turned their attention to him.

"Sorry to interrupt. This'll be quick, I promise. I wanted to say thanks to everyone for being here tonight. I'm Jeff Moreau, and this is my 30th birthday party. I know that many of you haven't seen me in a long time. For those of you who don't know, I'm a Flight Lieutenant in the Alliance. And I'm engaged to the stunning Commander Samantha Shepard, who's here with me tonight." He gestured to where Shepard was standing and she waved awkwardly at the gathering, who responded with muted applause.

"As you can see, I have a lot to celebrate and be thankful for. So, enjoy the food, grab another drink, and let's get this party started!"

He handed the mic back to the DJ, who nodded and started the song Joker had requested. He cranked the volume considerably higher than it had been, and the beat shook the room when it began. When Shepard heard what it was, a huge grin split her face. He again gestured for her to wait while he made his way onto the dance floor. The crowd parted and when he reached the middle of the space, he crooked his finger toward her, the way she had done during his first party.

She obliged, strutting out to join him in time to the music. He watched, as did the rest of the room, as she put one impossibly long, toned leg in front of the other and let her hips sway enticingly as she moved. When she reached him, she draped one arm across his chest, trailing it along as she moved behind him. She grabbed the shoulders of his suit jacket and yanked it off, tossing it carelessly to the spectators. He heard several cheers and a wolf whistle, which he would have wagered was his sister. Shepard continued to circle him, moving her hand up so that she trailed fingertips along his neck, causing gooseflesh to run down his spine. When she stood in front of him at last, she flattened her body to his, and he inserted one knee between her thighs. She undulated against him, and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close.

Joker was vaguely aware that some of the onlookers were joining in, dancing and clapping where they stood, but as he and Shepard swayed together, the rest of the room fell away. He felt connected to her for the first time since they'd arrived on Arcturus, and the satisfied smile on her face said she felt the same. He was enjoying the moment when he caught a blur of movement in his peripheral vision, seconds before his nephew bowled into the back of Shepard's legs, almost toppling them both.

As they regained their balance, he saw Julia dart after Tyler, looking embarrassed, but Shepard waved her off, laughing. She scooped the boy into her arms and he happily threw an arm around each of their necks, still clutching the Normandy in one hand.

"We dance!" he squealed excitedly, as Shepard returned her other arm to Joker's waist, enclosing the three of them in a tight circle.

"Yeah, buddy, we dance," Joker agreed. As the song started to wind down, Joker spun a finger in the air, indicating to the DJ that he should keep it going. He obliged, and as the first song melded into the second, other guests flooded the dance floor.

Quickly growing restless, Tyler squirmed to be put down, and Shepard set him on his feet. He ran to where his parents were dancing, Brian bouncing a giggling Logan in his arms. Suddenly, Joker saw his dad come goose-stepping into view. Marc took Shepard's hand and twirled her away from Joker, shooting his son a triumphant wink as he absconded with his prize. Joker caught Jules' eye and held his arms out as if to say, "_Are you seeing this?"_ but she only grinned and shrugged.

Joker stood for a moment, wondering what to do next, when he spotted Shari standing alone at the edge of the crowd. He cocked his head toward her, but she shook hers in response. He made his way through the throng to her side and said, "Really? You're going to make me come after you?" He took her hand, pulling her into the center of the pack where his family was gathered. She seemed uncomfortable at first, but the others made room for them, absorbing them into the shimmying masses.

Couples came together and broke apart in a free-flowing formation as the beat pulsed and the second song transitioned to the third. Red-faced and sweating after only one song, Marc excused himself and made his retreat. Shepard slithered her way back to Joker.

She slid into his arms with a wicked smirk, and ran her hands through his hair, down the back of his neck and along his spine as she ground against him. He reciprocated, splaying his hands against the small of her back and molding her body to his. He held her there until the song ended and his legs started ache in protest.

"I think I'm going to sit down for a bit," he shouted into her ear to be heard over the music.

"Are you okay?" she asked with concern, trailing the back of one hand along his face.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just need a break. Stay here and dance."

"Okay." She grasped his face in both hands and covered his mouth with hers, letting her tongue dart inside and tangle with his. He responded eagerly, but she quickly broke away, grinning mischievously.

"Tease," he accused.

"Later," she promised as she sashayed away.

Joker wove his way through the crowd and off of the dance floor. Once he did, he realized that the room had cleared out considerably. Apparently, the loud music had driven off many of the older guests. The majority of the people who remained were either dancing or at the bar. He couldn't say he was too disappointed by that result.

As he moved toward one of the many empty tables, he was intercepted by his father. "Your mother and I are going to head out."

"What?" He glanced at the entryway, but Louise wasn't waiting there. "C'mon, Dad. You guys paid for this party. Don't leave. Should I go talk to Mom?"

"I think it's better if you just give her some space for now. Enjoy the party. It was for you, not for us. Can you and Sam get home on your own?"

"Actually, I think we might just stay here tonight."

"That sounds like a good idea. Do you want me to come back with your things?"

"No, we can manage for one night. We'll figure the rest out tomorrow. I don't want you to have to drive back tonight."

"All right, then. Tell Sam I said good night."

"You mean you're not kidnapping my woman again? I appreciate that."

Marc laughed. "She's been kind enough to humor an old man, but I'm sure she'd rather be here with you."

"I'm not so sure about that."

"Son," Marc said, putting his arm around Joker's neck, "it's been a long time since a woman with an ass like that has given me serious consideration."

Joker was momentarily shocked speechless. "Dad!"

"What?" his father asked, innocently. "You don't agree that she has a great ass?"

"Yes, of course, but it seems somehow inappropriate that you should notice."

"There's not a man alive who wouldn't notice. If you're going to marry her, you should probably get used to it."

"Great. Thanks for the advice."

Marc gave his son an affectionate squeeze. "You worry too much. You've worked the Moreau magic and won her heart. Now just relax and enjoy it."

"Okay, Dad. I'll try."

"All right. See you tomorrow."

His father departed and Joker continued on to one of the many vacant tables. The caterers had sliced and distributed the birthday cake, presumably unsure of their directives without Louise there to instruct them. This was fine with Joker. He preferred not to attempt to blow out candles while a room full of people gave him an off-key serenade, anyway. He took one of the seats and inspected the dessert – chocolate cake with buttercream frosting. He felt a small pang of guilt as he realized that his mother had purchased his favorite for the occasion. He cut off a bite and was about to fork it into his mouth when Shepard appeared over his shoulder and snatched the morsel from the utensil.

He gaped at her in astonishment. "How do you _do_ that? Do you have some kind of internal chocolate-detecting device?"

In response, he got a grin and a frosting-flavored smooch. She took the seat next to his and began devouring the confection in front of her. He ate his at a more sedate pace, even though it was quite delectable.

"Where are your parents?" Shepard asked as she pushed her empty plate aside and glanced around the room.

"They left."

"Is everything okay?" she inquired, eyes searching his face.

"No. But it will be. Eventually. Do you have any objection to staying here tonight?"

"At the hotel? No, not at all. But we don't have any of our stuff with us."

"We can get basic toiletries at the gift shop. Jules and Brian will probably lend us anything else we need. I thought we could improvise for one night."

"Sure." She grinned. "It'll be nice to have some privacy."

"My thoughts exactly."

* * *

><p>Despite the livelier atmosphere, the party wound down fairly early. Brian and Julia accompanied Joker and Shepard to the registration desk, a sleeping child in each of their arms.<p>

"See if the adjoining room to ours is empty. We're in 508," Julia advised.

As it turned out, it was. They reserved room 510 and obtained the key. They took the elevator to the fifth floor, and Joker and Shepard entered their room and unlocked the connecting door while Julia and Brian got Tyler tucked into bed. They came into Joker and Shepard's room, which had a sitting area, leaving the door to their room open. Julia still had Logan in her arms.

"I'm not comfortable leaving him on the bed unattended, and he can sleep through anything," she explained as they all got comfortable. Shepard had pilfered a bottle of wine from the party and offered some to their guests, who declined. Joker found a couple beers in the mini-bar and offered those, as well. Julia again demurred, but Brian accepted one gratefully.

"You weren't drinking at the party, either," Shepard said to Julia as she poured herself a glass of wine and settled onto the couch next to Joker. "Don't you drink alcohol?"

Brian and Julia exchanged a glance and Joker gleaned its meaning instantly. "No! Again?"

Shepard looked at him, bewildered.

"We just found out," Julia explained. "I'm about six weeks along. We haven't really told anyone yet."

"Congratulations, guys."

"Thanks," Julia replied. But her tone lacked enthusiasm, and the couple swapped another look that Joker couldn't readily decipher. There was a brief silence, and then Shepard changed the subject.

"So," she said, as she tucked her legs under her and snuggled closer to Joker, resting her head on his shoulder, "what's the story with this Shari chick?"

"She's an evil bitch who wanted to ruin my brother's life," Julia supplied, shifting the weight of the baby sleeping on her lap.

"I think she was asking me," Joker informed her, pointedly.

"I wasn't really asking anyone in particular…just looking to fill in the blanks."

"Ha!" Jules said, triumphantly. "This all happened before Brian and I were even dating. Jeff met Shari when he was…what, 17?"

"Yeah."

"I was away at school at the time. He had surgery on his legs that spring, and needed to go to physical therapy afterwards."

"They put in adjustable titanium rods to strengthen the bones. The assumption was that I was almost done growing, so it was a good time to do the procedure," Joker explained.

"Shari ended up being his physical therapist," Julia continued. "She was 20 years old and it was her first job out of school. She was blond, and gorgeous, and had this one wrapped around her finger in about five seconds flat."

Joker shook his head. "You don't know what you're talking about. You weren't even there!"

"No, but I know you, and I know her. What kind of grown woman dates a high school junior? Anyway," she said to Shepard, who was sipping her wine and looking amused by their bickering, "I met Shari for the first time when I came home for the holidays at the end of that year. They had been dating for about eight months at that point. I hated her instantly. She was completely controlling; always telling Jeff what he could and couldn't do, under the guise that she knew better because she was older and a 'professional therapist.' It really bugged me. I realize he was getting laid on a regular basis for the first time in his life, but c'mon."

"Jules," Joker said, shaking his head. Shepard grinned up at him, enjoying his discomfort.

"What? You were pussy-whipped and we both know it. I tried to talk to him about it, but he wouldn't listen. Next thing I heard, he'd proposed. He was 18 by then, but still. I sent him a message, trying one last time to talk some sense into him, but he never responded. I figured that was that. Then three months later, he wrote and told me he'd enlisted and was going to flight school. I was shocked, but thrilled. I like to think that maybe something I said got through to him."

Jules sat back, satisfied with her recitation. Joker eyed her in bemusement.

"You probably had something to do with it. I still don't believe that Shari is as evil as you think. But I realized at some point that if I got married and settled down, that was going to be my whole life. I might never have even left Arcturus. I wasn't ready for that."

"Lucky for me," Shepard said, looking up at him. He bent and kissed her lips. She tasted sweet and sour from the wine.

"Ugh. You two are sickening. You do realize that, right?"

"So, what happened?" Shepard asked Joker, ignoring his sister's barb. "Did you break up with her?"

"Uh-uhn. She was angry when I decided to go to flight school, but I don't think she really believed I would make it through. She probably figured if I flunked out, I'd come back and everything would go back to the way it was before. And that most likely would have been the case. I saw it as my one shot to do something exciting with my life. When I graduated top of my class, I think she saw that possibility starting to slip away, but like I said during my party on Illium, it still took a while for my first assignment to come through. Once it did, that was the end. She told me that if I went, I shouldn't come back. I left, and that was that. We never spoke again until tonight."

"Wow." Shepard didn't seem to know what else to say.

"Yep. And that's the whole story."

Joker got up to retrieve another beer for himself and Brian. Shepard refilled her wine glass. The four of them chatted for a while until he heard Shepard yawn and realized her weight was growing heavier against his shoulder.

"Hey," he said sharply, jostling her with his arm, "no falling asleep yet! We have this whole empty, private hotel room to ourselves tonight."

"Tired," she mumbled, nestling in closer.

"Dude," Brian said, "you're fighting a losing battle. Take it from someone who knows."

"What's that supposed to mean?" his sister asked her husband, sharply.

"How many times have we done the whole date thing with the dinner and wine and movie, only to get home and have you say, 'Sorry, honey. The kids are going to be up in five hours and I need to get some sleep?'"

"Dude, I know I only have a rudimentary knowledge of biology, but your complaints about your lack of a sex life would garner more sympathy if you weren't procreating at such an alarming rate."

"Ha! Thank you, bro." Jules shot Brian a smug look.

"What does that prove? That I've had sex three times in the past three years? Yeah, that sounds about right."

The overall tone of the conversation was light, but there was an underlying terseness that made Joker uncomfortable. He certainly didn't want to get involved in an argument between his sister and brother-in-law about their sexual habits. Meanwhile, he had the definite impression that he was losing his own opportunity for sex, as Shepard hadn't said anything during this exchange and appeared to be dozing off.

"Maybe you two should go discuss this in your own room," he suggested.

"It is getting late," Jules said as she rose, hoisting the still-sleeping Logan in her arms. Brian stood, taking the baby from her, and she graced him with a grateful smile.

"See you tomorrow," Brian said as he carried Logan into the other room.

Jules leaned over to give Joker a kiss on the cheek. "Good night. See you in the morning."

"'Night, sis."

"Good night, Sam," Jules called as she crossed the room.

"Mmm. 'Night," Shepard murmured.

Jules let the door shut behind her.

"You can't fall asleep here," Joker whispered to Shepard, his lips against her brow. "I can't carry you to bed."

"Five minutes," she promised as she slid to a prone position, putting her head in his lap. She was curled up on her side, facing away from him. He sighed, admitting defeat, and ran his fingers through her hair, gathering it gently away from her face and neck. He marveled at the silky texture as the scent of coconut rose to fill his nostrils. He ran his fingertips over her exposed shoulder and back, tracing the barely visible scars. Her skin was incredibly smooth over the underlying ridges, and he was suddenly overwhelmed by a rush of tenderness. Despite her extraordinary physical and mental fortitude, the reality was that Shepard's body was as fragile as anyone else's - except his, perhaps. But to acknowledge her vulnerability was to live in constant and unbearable fear, so he pretended to ignore it, while Shepard masqueraded as invincible. The only problem was that, deep down, they both knew it was a lie. And a shared delusion - even a mutually agreed upon one - was probably not conducive to a healthy relationship. However, day to day, in the ongoing struggle that defined their lives, they didn't really have much choice. Neither of them could afford to be paralyzed by the truth.

He allowed his fingers to trace the outside of her ear to the lobe, and she shivered. She rolled onto her back, pinning him with her emerald gaze. He stroked her cheek, and she seemed to interpret the expression on his face, because she turned her head and kissed the palm of his hand, tenderly.

"Ready for bed?" she inquired, invitingly, languidly climbing to her feet.

"Right behind you."


	15. Not Your Enemy

_"Tell me what you see_

_I'm not your enemy_

_If that's what you wanna be_

_I don't know if I can_

_When you scream my name_

_And I take all the blame_

_It's never gonna be the same_

_I don't know if you care"_

**Scream – Adelitas Way**

* * *

><p>The sound of hushed voices woke Joker the next morning. He squinted into the darkness, trying to identify them. Shepard's side of the bed was empty, so it was safe to assume that one was hers. All he could tell about the other was that it was female, as well. He had no idea of the time, but his groggy head told him it was still early. Had his sister woken up with the kids and decided to see if her neighbors were awake yet? Grumbling, he threw back the covers and fished on the floor for some clothing. His boxers and pants were heaped by the side of the bed, but his shirt was gone. Shepard's dress was draped over a chair, so he assumed she'd purloined it. That cheered him a bit. She always looked much sexier in his clothes than he did.<p>

Wearing only the boxers, he crept down the hall. He heard Shepard say, "I'm going to make some coffee. Do you want some?"

"No, thank you." Now he did recognize the voice, and he froze, pressed against the wall.

"Jeff's still sleeping. I can go get him for you," Shepard offered.

"Actually, I'd like to have a word with you, if you don't mind."

"I'm listening."

"I wanted to apologize for the reception you've received. Our family hasn't been very welcoming to you."

"Actually, Marc and Julia have been very welcoming," Shepard replied, mildly.

Louise was silent for a long moment. "Fine. I haven't been very welcoming. But it had nothing to do with you, personally," she responded, echoing Joker's refrain from the past week. Well, at least he'd been right about that much.

"Okay."

When she spoke again, his mother's voice sounded farther away. He envisioned her standing in front of the window, looking out on the artificial sunrise.

"Julia was my firstborn, and she was such an easy baby…healthy, happy. So, when I got pregnant with Jeffrey, I was spoiled. I expected things to go just as smoothly. But, as you know, that wasn't going to be the case.

When they did the ultrasound at 20 weeks, we were so excited to find out the gender of our baby. But I knew right away from the technician's reaction that something was wrong. I kept asking what it was, but she wouldn't say anything. She called the doctor in to talk to us.

He told us that the baby was a boy, and he wasn't in any distress, but there were abnormalities on the ultrasound. He wanted to do some other tests. By the end of the day, they had diagnosed Vrolik's Syndrome. The baby already had three broken bones, in utero, and the number was likely to go up as the pregnancy progressed. There was no way he could be delivered normally; we would have to schedule a c-section. And they asked us to consider if we wanted to terminate the pregnancy."

From his vantage point in the hallway, Joker sucked in air as his nails dug into his palms. He'd heard most of this story before, of course, but never that his parents had considered ending his life. His stomach roiled at the thought.

"I went home that night and cried," Louise continued. "Then, I looked up everything I could find on Vrolik's Syndrome. I never once gave any thought to an abortion. I could already feel him in there, moving around. If we lost him, then we would have to deal with it, but I wasn't going to give up my baby voluntarily. It was at that moment that I vowed that I would always fight for him, no matter what. And I always have."

His mother paused here in the narrative, but Shepard remained silent. It was clear that Louise wasn't done with her tale.

"Although we followed the doctor's advice and scheduled the c-section, I went into labor before the planned day. We rushed to the hospital, but by the time we got there, the baby's heart rate was already dropping. They gave me drugs to slow the contractions and rushed me into surgery.

By the time I woke up, Jeffrey was in the NICU. He'd been born with 15 fractures. Some were setting incorrectly and had to be re-broken. One of the nurses told me that he didn't make a sound when he was born – he was in shock from the trauma. He was in the NICU for months – I didn't hold him until he was 10 weeks old. Instead of being a happy time, all I remember is being overwhelmed by worry, guilt, fear and grief. I spent 18 hours a day at the hospital. I never slept. I rarely ate. My daughter was essentially an orphan.

Even once we finally brought him home, things weren't much easier. I was constantly terrified that he'd get hurt. I wouldn't let anyone else hold him - not even Marc. I quit my job to take care of him. Julia was still young and required attention from me that she didn't get. Marc got even less. Jeffrey was my whole world.

By the time he was a year old, things were a little better. We'd adapted and developed special routines, and I trusted Marc and Julia around him. Despite our best efforts, he still had four or five broken bones that first year. We knew all the emergency pediatricians by name. That was our new 'normal.'

At the time, the challenges of those first few years seemed almost insurmountable. But as it turned out, they were far easier than what was to come. Jeffrey walked late. His legs couldn't hold his weight without breaking, so he was unable to walk without crutches. That took more advanced coordination, so he wasn't fully mobile until he was almost four years old. That was also the first year he went to school. I was panicked. I worried about the new environment, the lack of supervision, and of course, the cruelty of children toward those who are different. But he thrived with his newfound freedom. Of course, he had almost twice as many broken bones that year, but it didn't seem to slow him down at all. He was a typical boy – adventurous, curious, and rambunctious.

The older he got, the more independent he became. People who used to be sympathetic towards me for having a child with 'special needs' started to treat me like I was a 'helicopter mom' - always hovering. Even Marc and Julia believed I was too smothering. And maybe they were right. But that didn't stop the fear and worry from following me everywhere I went.

I'm sure he's told you about Shari by now. It's true that in the beginning, I wasn't thrilled by their relationship. I thought it was odd that a woman her age would date a boy so much younger and so obviously inexperienced. It soon became apparent that she wanted someone she could control, and Jeffrey fit the bill perfectly. Despite our constant battles when I tried to restrict his activities, he took the same demands from her in stride. And so, I kept my objections to myself, even when they got engaged, although I thought they were too young for marriage. I thought that maybe she could keep him safe.

Then, just a few months before his high school graduation, something changed. I always suspected Julia had something to do with it, although I never knew for sure. But suddenly, Jeffrey announced he was enlisting. Initially, I thought that he was joking. I didn't see how the military could accept someone with his limitations. But when I talked to the recruiter, he confirmed Jeffrey's story. He had scored higher on the pilot aptitude test than anyone the recruiter had ever seen – five points short of a perfect score. The Alliance decided that they would give him a waiver. He would have to prove that he could perform basic physical activities, but if he could manage, they would allow him into flight school. And with the rods in place, he was able to pass - barely.

All through training, I waited with a mixture of trepidation and hope to hear that he had flunked out. The day he graduated at the top of his class was both the proudest and most terrifying day of my life. I wanted him to succeed. I prayed that he wouldn't. I wanted him to be happy, but I wanted him to be safe. I never imagined that those would turn out to be two so diametrically opposing wishes.

Even though he never would have admitted it, he was pretty miserable during his first few assignments. Until he was chosen for the Normandy, that is. Then the tone of his messages changed. He'd been hand-picked to helm the best ship in the fleet. His confidence soared. He'd found someplace where he belonged; where he mattered. And then, there was you.

At first, he mentioned you sporadically, but then, more and more. It quickly became clear that you were more than a CO to him. I didn't know if he would ever acknowledge those feelings, or do anything about them, but I think that's when I truly gave up hope that he would abandon this career path. It became about more than proving what he could do, or exploring new territories. His affection for you bound him to that life, and I realized that he would never voluntarily leave.

What's more, it also became clear that whatever your assignment involved, it was more than just routine peacekeeping. He didn't come right out and say it, but I could read between the lines. Your missions were important and extremely dangerous. My impression was confirmed, of course, when the original Normandy was destroyed.

For the first time since he'd enlisted, Jeffrey returned to Arcturus. He told us that you'd died saving him. He was obviously consumed by guilt and grief, but he was home. And God help me, but I was glad that you were dead. I know how that sounds, but it's the truth." Louise stated this last with regret laced with a distinct trace of defiance.

Joker couldn't believe his mother was saying this to Shepard. On some level, he supposed he'd been aware that she had felt that way. Underneath her concern for his pain had been palpable relief. But to tell someone that you'd been glad that they were dead? He hadn't thought her capable of such a thing until now.

For the first time, Shepard spoke. To his surprise, she sounded amused. "With all due respect, ma'am, there was quite a long list of people who were happy to hear of my demise, and most of them know me far better than you do. So, please, don't waste any time feeling guilty about that. As far as basking in your son's misery - well, that's something you'd have to discuss with him. But I assure you, I'm not offended by your revelation."

There was a silence during which Joker hoped that his mother was feeling abashed by Shepard's equanimity. Instead, she whispered, "I'm afraid you're going to lead my son to his death."

After a slight hesitation, Shepard replied in an even tone. "I won't lie to you. That's certainly a possibility. But I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that doesn't happen."

"I understand, and even sympathize, with what you've said," Shepard continued. "I know that you love your son, and that he loves you. To be honest, I didn't come here seeking your approval, or your acceptance. I came because Jeff asked, and because I knew it was important to him. I think that he was hoping that you would make an effort for the same reason. But the only person whose opinion matters to me is his.

The worry and fear you feel is something that I think every family with a member in the military lives with, to some extent. I know it's not easy. But to somehow imply that you have more of a right to those feelings because of Jeff's condition – well, I'm sorry, but I think that idea diminishes you, and it diminishes him.

Your son is a lieutenant in the Alliance. He is almost universally considered to be the best helmsman in the fleet. Nobody gave him those things – he earned them. And he is deserving of your – and everyone else's – respect because of it.

You have to have some idea by now of what we're up against and what's at stake. Without Jeff, we have no chance of prevailing. We have to fight this war, and we have to win. There is no other choice."

During this speech, Shepard's voice had become louder and more vehement. Now, she paused, and when she spoke again, her tone was once again more modulated.

"When I see Jeff, I don't see the Vrolik's. Perhaps that's my bias. But it seems to me that that's _all_ you see. And if that's true, then I truly feel sorry for you, because I wish that you could see the amazing man your son has become. He's worthy of not only your love, but your pride and admiration, as well. I know he has mine."

For the first time since he'd crawled out of bed, the hotel room was quiet. Now that they'd both said their piece, they didn't seem to know where to go from there. His mother finally broke the silence.

"Thank you for hearing me out. I doubt that you and I will ever see eye-to-eye on everything, but I think I'm starting to understand what Jeffrey sees in you. And it's clear that your feelings for him are sincere, as well."

"Yes, ma'am."

"And I apologize again for my behavior this week."

"Apology accepted. Do you want me to go get Jeff now?"

He shrunk further into the shadows of the hallway, prepared to make a break for the bedroom if either of them headed his way.

But his mother replied, "No, that's all right. Let him sleep. Just tell him that I came by, will you?"

"Of course."

"You two are welcome to continue to stay with us, but I'll understand if you don't want to. If you choose to make other arrangements, let us know and we'll make sure you get your things."

"I'll leave that decision up to Jeff."

He heard movement and then they appeared at the other end of the hall, near the entry. Shepard had her back to him and as he'd suspected, was wearing only his dress shirt. Actually, the shirt was his father's, so it fell to her mid-thigh and allowed her to maintain some semblance of modestly. Not that she likely cared much one way or the other. His mother was facing him as the two women said goodbye, but he doubted that she could see him at that distance in the gloom.

Louise departed, and the door swished shut behind her. Without turning around, Shepard said, "You can come out now."

Busted. "You knew I was there all along?"

She scoffed. "If I couldn't hear the likes of you skulking around, I would have been dead a long time ago." She turned to face him as he approached. "How much did you hear?"

"Most of it."

"Are you okay?"

He considered. "Yeah, I guess. I'm still angry, but I feel sorry for her, too. I wish she didn't worry so much." He paused. "Thanks for what you said."

"I meant every word of it."

"I know. But I appreciate it, anyway."

"You're welcome." Shepard stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his waist. He mirrored the gesture.

"I don't think my mother was prepared for someone like you."

"I defend what's mine. You know that."

"Everyone knows that." He gave her a teasing grin. "And I'm yours?"

"Damn straight."

"Good to know." He kissed her. "What the hell time is it, anyway?"

"Early."

"C'mon," he said, tugging her down the hall. "Let's go back to bed."

* * *

><p>Joker and Shepard stayed in the hotel for one more night, spending time with Julia and her family before they had to return home to Tiptree. After some discussion, they decided to spend their remaining time on Arcturus at his parents' house. To her credit, Louise made an effort to put her concerns aside and get to know Shepard. Joker spent one afternoon with his dad, visiting the hobby shops they used to haunt when he was a kid obsessed with model spaceships, and his mother and Shepard took the opportunity to have lunch and do some shopping. That evening, the meal was relaxed and comfortable as his folks and Shepard chatted, joked and ganged up on Joker rather more than he felt was truly necessary. The three of them were a running chronicle of every embarrassing thing he'd done since the day he was born. "Inconvenient", as Mordin would say.<p>

On the sixth day of their visit, Shepard came downstairs, looking troubled. He'd been trying to help his dad repair a malfunctioning thermostat that was probably as old as he was and cost about 30 credits to replace. Needless to say, it hadn't been going well.

"You fly a spaceship. I thought you'd be able to figure out how to adjust a thermostat."

"I'm a pilot, Dad, not an engineer. If I had to fix the Normandy, we'd spend all our time sitting in dry dock."

He was grateful for Shepard's interruption. "Jeff, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure." He put down the screwdriver and dusted off his hands. "Don't electrocute yourself while I'm gone, okay, Dad?"

Disgruntled grumblings were all he got in return. He followed Shepard into the vacant living room. "What's up?"

"I just got a message from Admiral Hackett. He wants me to do him a favor."

"A favor? For the Alliance? They have a lot of nerve. Aren't you still officially dead, as far as they're concerned?"

"Yeah, I suppose. This isn't technically an Alliance Op. More like a personal favor."

Joker tried to wrap his head around this. "I didn't know you were such good friends with the Admiral."

"I'm not, really. It's complicated." She paced, anxiously. "They lost a deep cover op. She's a personal friend of Hackett's." Shepard glanced around as if someone might be listening before whispering, "She was investigating a Reaper artifact in the Bahak System."

"Okay." Joker drew the word out in confusion. The possible Reaper connection explained why the Alliance might reach out to Shepard, but he still wasn't clear on where this conversation was headed.

"The batarians have taken her prisoner. He needs me to go get her out."

"But…how? We don't have the Normandy, or the crew!"

"I can get the Normandy within a day or two. As for the crew," she hesitated, "he asked me to go alone."

"Oh, hell no," he declared, already shaking his head vehemently.

"Joker."

"This is bullshit!" he exclaimed, angrily. "They declare you dead, publicly call your claims of an imminent Reaper invasion 'delusional', privately denounce you for working with Cerberus…and now they want your help?"

Shepard sighed. "It would appear that way, yes."

"Hell. No."

"Jeff." She placed a hand on his arm, imploringly. "If this has something to do with the Reapers, then I _have_ to go. You know that."

"Goddammit." His shoulders slumped in resignation. "I'm assuming that 'alone' doesn't extend to flying the Normandy by yourself?"

She gave him a winning smile. "I was hoping I could count on my sexy, badass pilot for that."

"Yeah, yeah. It's easy to be gracious in victory, isn't it, Commander?"

"That it is," she acknowledged. "Can we handle the Normandy alone?"

"It's not ideal, but we should be okay as long as nothing major goes wrong. If I'm doing all the flying, it's going to take a little longer to get there."

"Well, we'll do the best we can. I'll make arrangements to pick her up. Looks like our vacation is over."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_I know some of you were hoping that Shepard would really lay into Joker's mom, but marines don't bully people's mommy's, no matter how bitchy they are. I hope this will suffice._

_Next time, our heroes are back in action. Woot! Spoilers for Arrival coming - read at your own risk._


	16. Devil In The Church

"_Listen up, listen up_

_There's a devil in the church_

_Got a bullet in the chamber_

_And this is gonna hurt"_

**This Is Gonna Hurt – Sixx AM**

* * *

><p>Did everything the Alliance touched have to turn into a compete clusterfuck?<p>

Granted, working for Cerberus hadn't been much better. But at least in that case, it hadn't been that the Illusive Man had been clueless – he'd been intentionally fucking them over. The Alliance was just completely incompetent. A marginal distinction, Joker realized, but it had given him some small comfort to know that someone, somewhere, had had some idea what the hell was going on, even when they hadn't.

It had started off well enough. Shepard had sent Liara a cryptic message. "Deliver the package to where it all began."

"What does that mean?" he'd asked.

"You'll see."

The next day, they'd caught a shuttle to Eden Prime, one short relay hop over. The Normandy had been docked at an abandoned military port a short distance from the commercial spaceport.

He'd rushed on board and into the cockpit.

"My baby! I've missed you!" He'd wrapped his arms around the pilot's seat.

Shepard had followed, shaking her head. "I don't get that kind of reception when I return from missions."

"Welcome back, Mr. Moreau."

"EDI! How did everything go? Did you watch out for the Normandy while I was gone?"

"Of course, Jeff. My primary function is to ensure the welfare of the Normandy and her crew."

"Hi, EDI."

"Hello, Shepard."

"So, give me a status update," Joker had instructed as he'd slid into the cockpit and begun running a systems check.

"Hull repairs completed. Structural integrity at 100%. Electrical systems inspected and updated – also running at 100%. Main drive core…"

He'd half-listened as EDI had run through her list, his fingers flying over the monitors. The Normandy had appeared to be as good as new – better in some places, where upgrades had been done in lieu of repairs. At least fifteen minutes had passed before he'd thought to check on Shepard's whereabouts, but by then, she'd been long gone from the deck. He'd shrugged and settled back into his seat with a contented sigh. Arcturus might have been where he was from, but this was _home._ And it had felt good to be back.

* * *

><p>"Stealth systems engaged," he announced now as they emerged from the relay into the Bahak System. Shepard was next to him in the cockpit, fully suited up, helmet under her arm. She watched silently as they glided toward Aratoht.<p>

"Have you given any thought to how you're going to get down there?" he asked her.

"The Kodiak."

"Yeah, but who's going to fly it?"

She scoffed. "I think I can manage. Put the coordinates into the autopilot. I'll take care of the take-off and landing."

"Yeah, that's what I'm worried about."

"Ha, ha."

"I'm not joking, Shepard. If you crash land on their roof, that's going to pretty much take away any element of surprise, don't ya think?" This whole mission made him twitchy. They couldn't afford for anything to go wrong.

"I appreciate your confidence in me." A pause, and then, "Maybe I better set it down a few clicks from the prison and go in on foot."

"That's all I'm sayin'."

"All right. Take us in. Get as close as you can to the drop site, but peel off once I'm clear. I'll stay in radio contact from the ground."

"Aye, aye."

Joker wondered idly if it was weird that they could slip so easily into their commander-pilot roles. Granted, they'd been commander and pilot long before they'd been…well, what they were now. But he'd always assumed that they adopted their more formal roles for the sake of appearances in front of the crew. Now that there was no crew, he was discovering that it really had nothing to do with outsider perception. It was just another facet to their relationship, as comfortable as any other.

He watched the Kodiak touch down from the onboard cam. Shepard actually managed pretty well, just kicking up a small splash of muddy water on the landing. "I'm going in," she announced, and he heard the wheeze of the shuttle hatch opening.

"Roger."

He listened to the rain pinging off of her armor as he put the Normandy into orbit around Aratoht. Once, years ago, he'd experimented with getting video as well as audio feed from Shepard's suit. It'd been both disorienting and dangerously distracting, and he'd never done it again. Besides, after so long, the sounds were so familiar that he could practically visualize what was happening on the ground. The chatter of her squad; the thud of her footsteps, or the rasp of her breathing as she moved; the sound of her popping the heat sink, or the _rat-a-tat_ of the Locust in combat; the difference between the grunt she made when ammo scuffed her suit and the higher-pitched yelp she made when she was truly hurt. His subconscious registered it all and still allowed him to function at maximum capacity aboard the Normandy.

For her part, Shepard had mentioned more than once that she found the audio contact comforting…a lifeline leading her back home. They both had control of the feed, and could choose to allow incoming, outgoing, or both. Joker always kept the incoming feed on, but muted the outgoing unless he had something to say. He didn't want her to become distracted by ambient noise at an inopportune moment. Shepard usually kept both channels open, but could turn off the outgoing if she was having a private conversation. And, of course, she could turn off the incoming if she didn't want to hear what her loud-mouthed pilot had to say. Not that _that _ever happened, of course.

"I'm in." The whisper came over the feed, interrupting his reverie. A moment or two later, a gunshot followed…then another. "Varren."

"Roger."

"This place is depressing, even for a prison." Steady footsteps, then a sharp intake of breath. Joker could hear muffled voices, but not what they were saying. "I think I've got a bead on the target." Adrenaline put extra emphasis on the end of the syllables.

"Take 'er slow and easy, Commander." She couldn't afford to rush headlong into the fray without anyone there to watch her back. Shepard could be stealthy – it just wasn't her default mode.

"Roger that." He heard her respiration slow, and her footfalls resumed. Her movements were occasionally punctuated with a grunt or an exhale as she moved over or around some obstacle. Periodically, she would halt, and he could hear murmured conversations in the background. Eventually, she would continue on her way.

The _whoosh_ of a door, and then the persistent percussion of water against metal once again. "I'm outside," she reported, unnecessarily. "Moving across the compound, toward the target. Hopefully," she added, under her breath.

"Sounds like a lovely day. Maybe most of the guards are at the beach?"

She snorted. "Seems like batarian sunbathing weather to me. One can always hope."

Another door swooshed open, then an announcement over a PA that a shuttle was landing. "I'm in the hangar. I need to find a way down. Fuck."

"What?"

There was a whirring of metallic gears, then a _clunk._

"Huh." She sounded perplexed.

"What?" he said again.

"I need to move these crates out of the way."

More whirring, followed by another _clunk._

"Ha! I think that did it." Clattering ensued as she clambered over the obstruction. "Okay, I'm down. Shit, gotta use another lift." A quieter, hydraulic hissing this time. "Yep, here we go." A _thump_ as she hit the ground.

"Um, you're aware that you're making enough noise to distract a rutting krogan, right?"

"S'all good. No one's around." Rapid footfalls, then slower. "I think I'm close now."

He could hear booted feet sliding along concrete, but muffled. In the absence of other noise, her breathing sounded amplified. "I've got a visual on the target. She's in an interrogation room. One guard. I'm going in."

"Roger."

A grunt, followed by a thud. A female voice said, "Who are you? What are you doing here?"

"Dr. Kenson? I'm Commander Shepard. I'm here to get you out."

"Commander Shepard? I'd heard you were alive. Hackett must have received my message."

Just as Kenson advised Shepard that if they could locate a security console she could engineer their escape, the alarms began bleating in the compound.

"We'll find one, then," Shepard told her. "Let's move!"

"Ready."

Any further conversation was drowned out in a hail of gunfire. After a few minutes, it ceased abruptly. "Keep moving!" Shepard encouraged, followed by two sets of rapid footfalls.

"Here's the console! I need you to buy me some time, Commander."

"Sure, no problem," he heard Shepard mutter.

"Guards incoming!"

A thirty second explosion from the Locust, followed by the pop of the heat sink. A grunt and the _ting_ of a ricochet glancing off of Shepard's armor. "How's it coming in there?"

"You need to get the doors closed to keep reinforcements out!"

"Aww, fuck me hard." Joker grinned at that and had to bite his tongue to keep from making a clever retort. No good distracting her now.

Another blast from the Locust. "Come and get me, you bastards." An enemy screamed in pain. "That's right. How do you like me now?" A victorious growl followed by the sound of her gloved hand hitting the control and the door hissing closed.

"They're coming up from the other side!"

"Of course they are." The pop of another thermal clip. "On my way!"

Short bursts from the SMG as Shepard presumably made her way across the room. Then, "Oh, fuck!" Grunting, followed by a sickening crunch. "Bastard snuck up on me." The Locust chattered again. "Anytime now"..._rattle_..."would be good"..._rattle_..."Kenson."

"Almost there. Got it! Let's go." The hydraulic whir of what sounded like an elevator.

"The hangar doors are hard locked," Kenson said.

"I'll take care of it."

As soon as the whirring stopped, more gunshots rang out.

"Cover me!" Shepard cried.

An explosion, followed closely by a second. "We're about to steal a shuttle, Joker."

"What about the Kodiak?"

"No time!"

Great.

"Go, go, go!" Engines roaring to life and the thud of the hatch. Then, blessed silence.

* * *

><p>Joker tried to follow the conversation aboard the shuttle, but it didn't make much sense. The basics seemed to be that the doctor and her team were planning to crash an asteroid into the mass relay in order to keep the Reapers from invading. It sounded insane, and he suddenly had a new appreciation for how Shepard's stories must have sounded to the Council and Alliance. Not that she'd ever suggested blowing up a mass relay, to his knowledge, but still…<p>

"How did you find out about the imminent invasion?" Shepard asked the doctor.

"We found a Reaper artifact. We call it Object Rho. It showed me visions of the Reapers' impending arrival, much like the visions you received from the beacons on Eden Prime and Virmire."

"And how have you avoided becoming indoctrinated while handling this artifact?"

"We know what we're dealing with, Shepard. We're not idiots."

"She's a little haughty considering you just dragged her ass out of a batarian prison, no?" Joker opined.

Shepard gave what he interpreted as a snort of agreement. "Well, Doctor, if you expect me to aid you in destroying an entire star system, I'm going to need to see this Object Rho."

"Of course, Commander." Joker heard Kenson communicating with her people, and then Shepard was whispering into the comm. "I have a bad feeling about this, Joker. Stay on your toes, 'k?"

"Always."

"I'll send you the coordinates when we land."

"Roger that."

The background conversation ceased, and he heard Kenson say, "Just relax, Commander. We'll be there in no time."

* * *

><p>"Welcome to Project Base, Commander."<p>

"What's with the clock above the door?"

"It's a countdown to arrival. When it reaches zero, the Reapers will enter the relay."

"How do you know that?"

"Object Rho has been sending out pulses at steadily decreasing intervals. When the clock runs out, the pulses will become constant and the Reapers will arrive."

"But…that's just over two days from now! If that's accurate, then there's no time to waste. I need to see this artifact...now."

"Of course. Just through here, to the central lab."

The sound of a door opening, followed by footfalls. As soon as they entered the base, the audio started to crackle.

"What do...to get...running again?"

"Commander, you're breaking up." No response. "Shepard, do you copy?"

"Ready…question of…should we?"

"Commander…Object Rho."

"Kenson! …sitting…open?"

"Showed me…arrival…proof you need."

"Not good."

More static, then nothing.

"Shepard! Do you read me? Shepard!"

Silence was the only reply. The feed had gone dead.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** _At first, I was worried that I had written myself into a corner by dismissing the crew, but I actually thought that it worked out pretty cool experiencing this mission through Joker's ears. I'm curious to see if you agree._


	17. This Is Gonna Hurt

"_Hey (hey) hell is what you make (make)_

_Rise against your fate (fate)_

_Nothing's gonna keep you down_

_Even it's killing you_

_Because you know the truth"_

**This Is Gonna Hurt – Sixx AM**

* * *

><p>Four hours had gone by with no response.<p>

True to her word, Shepard had transmitted her coordinates as soon as she'd touched down at the base. Joker had immediately set course for her location, and since then, he'd been drifting alongside the asteroid. Who built a base on an asteroid, anyway? Especially when you were planning to smash it into a relay?

He'd tried hailing her every five minutes, then ten, then fifteen. He'd gotten nothing but dead air. He was fighting to stay calm. There had been a lot of static prior to the break in communication – maybe the artifact was creating some kind of interference. But Shepard should have been aware of that by now. She would know he'd be anxious and try to find another way to contact him.

And her last words kept ringing in his ears. "Not good."

Fuck.

He paced the bridge. Making a decision, he hurried back to the cockpit. "EDI, get me Admiral Hackett."

"Yes, Jeff."

"Admiral Hackett's office."

"I need to speak to the admiral."

"Who's calling, please?"

"Tell him it's about Shepard."

"I'm sorry, sir, the admiral…"

"Just tell him, goddammit!"

An affronted pause, then Hackett came on the line.

"Shepard?"

"No, sir. This is her pilot, Jeff Moreau. Is this channel secure?"

"One moment." A pause, then the admiral returned. "Is there a problem with the mission?"

"Yes, sir. I lost contact with the commander about four hours ago. Our last communication – well, it didn't sound good."

"Four hours isn't very long."

"No, sir, but we're out here alone, a long way from anything. If something's gone wrong, it's going to take a while for help to arrive. I thought you should know."

"Did she obtain the target?"

"Yes, sir. They were back on the project base, last I heard."

"All right. I'll try to contact Dr. Kenson."

"Thank you, sir."

"Hackett out."

Joker sat back, sighing heavily. Well, at least he'd done something. Now, he'd just have to wait.

* * *

><p>Twelve hours.<p>

All pretense of calm was long gone. Something was definitely wrong. He'd tried Hackett again, gotten no response, and then realized it was the middle of the night. It would be at least five or six more hours before he could speak to the Admiral again.

Fuck, fuck, _fuck!_

The next time he saw Shepard, he was going to wring her goddamn neck.

* * *

><p>Eighteen hours. He got through to Hackett once more.<p>

"Were you able to reach Dr. Kenson?"

"No, all communication systems seem to be offline. But I'll keep trying. If Shepard's with Kenson, then I'm sure there's nothing to worry about."

"I'm not so sure about that, Admiral."

"I trust Dr. Kenson completely. She's a dear friend of mine."

The worry and frustration of the past eighteen hours bubbled over. He wasn't interested in platitudes. "That's just peachy, Admiral, but that doesn't do me a damn bit of good from where I'm sitting."

"Watch your tone, Lieutenant!"

Joker broke the connection. He wasn't going to bother trying to explain to Admiral Asshole that he wasn't a lieutenant anymore. But damned if he was going to listen to the old windbag bark orders, either.

One thing was clear - the cavalry wasn't going to be arriving anytime soon. Damn Shepard and her altruistic tendencies! Now they were out here in the ass end of the galaxy with no back up.

He could leave this system and go for help, but when Shepard inevitably extracted herself from whatever scrape she'd gotten into this time and needed pickup, like, immediately, he couldn't let her down. Besides, he wouldn't just abandon her. With no shuttle, he couldn't leave the Normandy and go check on the situation himself, even if he'd wanted to. He'd just get himself captured, or killed, anyway. That left him with his current plan of continuing to drift alongside the asteroid base until both his fuel and his sanity were completely depleted.

Goddammit, why didn't she just respond?

"What should I do, EDI?" he inquired, plaintively. "I don't know what to do."

"There are a finite number of possibilities, Jeff. You could…"

"That was a rhetorical question, EDI."

"Oh." EDI's orb pulsed sympathetically, he thought.

"But thanks for trying to help."

"You're welcome." The AI adopted a respectful dimness.

He sat back and stared through the windshield, searching for answers in the stars.

* * *

><p>Joker awoke with a start, causing his neck to twinge painfully. He thought he'd heard something over the comm.<p>

"Hello? Shepard? Do you read me?"

He was almost positive there was something in the static, barely audible, but it quickly faded. Then the interference was gone, as well, and the quiet resumed.

Thirty hours without food or sleep, except for the nap he'd just stolen. Frustration had morphed into something more like resignation. If he didn't hear from her in the next eighteen hours, he was going to have to go for help. He didn't know where, or how, but he would do his best. After 48 hours, the chances that anything he did would make a difference were slim, anyway.

He realized that he'd already begun to give up hope, and the thought chilled him to the bone. He shook it off. She was Shepard – she'd find a way to survive. Even in death, she'd emerged victorious. She wouldn't give up, and neither could he. His resolve hardened. Eighteen more hours.

* * *

><p>An hour from his self-imposed deadline, he was preparing to peel off from the project base and head to the mass relay. He still wasn't sure where he was headed, but he'd figure it out on the way. He had to hit the fuel station first – the Normandy was frighteningly low. He was running a systems check, making sure everything was ready for FTL, when the asteroid started moving.<p>

What the hell?

The comm crackled.

"Joker! …pickup now!"

His heart leapt in his chest.

"Shepard? Shepard!"

Nothing but static, but at least this time it remained rather than fading to silence.

He strained his ears, listening for further communication, but heard none. However, the asteroid had come to life just as the transmission had come through – that couldn't just be coincidence, could it?

He flew alongside the base, which now appeared to be on a collision course with the relay. Given a choice, he would prefer to retrieve Shepard and get the hell out of here before that happened. Twenty long minutes later, the call came again.

"Joker, do you copy? Need pickup now!" The signal was stronger this time.

"Shepard, I copy. Just tell me where…"

A burst of static, followed by a terse, "Dammit!"

"EDI! Can you clean up this signal? Get me a location? Anything?"

"I will try."

"Hurry!" The relay loomed menacingly close on their trajectory.

Another ten minutes passed. "Shepard to Normandy. Joker, do you read me?"

"I've got a lock on Shepard's signal," EDI announced.

"Yes! Shepard, we're on our way," he shouted into the comm, not knowing if she could hear him or not. He goosed the Normandy, sacrificing finesse for speed. No time for a stylish rescue this time.

As he brought the Normandy alongside the asteroid, he got a visual on Shepard for the first time, and relief coursed through his body.

"Open the portside airlock, EDI!"

He saw Shepard sprinting for the ship, then heard, "I'm in, Joker. Go! Go!"

He pointed them toward the relay as she came running into the cockpit. "Get us out of here. Now!"

"Doing the best I can!"

They made it through the relay in the nick of time, the asteroid chasing behind them. They both watched on the map as the impact blast radiated outward. Then the spot that marked where the relay had been went blank.

Shepard hung her head. He glanced at her, a million questions on the tip of his tongue, none of them seeming appropriate.

"Are you okay?" he finally asked.

She shook her head in the negative, still staring at the map. "I need to report to Hackett," she stated flatly and retreated from the cockpit. He watched her go and then his eyes returned to the empty spot on the map and settled there.

A clusterfuck, indeed.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, she still hadn't returned.<p>

"EDI, where's Shepard?"

"Security logs show she entered her quarters 35 minutes ago."

"Thanks. Take the helm, okay?"

When he entered her cabin, she was emerging from the shower. She looked weary; beaten. There was a drink on the table; not beer, the hard stuff. Ice, no mixer.

"Are you okay?" he tried again. "Physically, I mean."

She nodded. "I think so. Whatever they gave me is finally wearing off."

"What the hell happened down there?"

With a sigh, she settled onto the couch, still wrapped in the towel. He sat next to her. She explained it all – Kenson's team and their exposure to the artifact; their indoctrination and subsequent decision to derail the destruction of the relay; her incapacitation and awakening, only to realize that nearly two days had passed; fighting her way through the base to defeat Kenson and reactivate the asteroid.

"Right after I called you the last time, I saw it again. Harbinger. It said I'm fighting against inevitability. That humanity is insignificant. That I am an annoyance."

"Well, one outta three ain't bad."

"I destroyed a star system today, Jeff. Three hundred thousand lives lost. And if Harbinger's right, it may all be for nothing."

"It's not."

"But what if it is?"

"It's not, Shepard. We have to fight. We have to at least try to stop them. What else can we do? Give up?"

She heaved another sigh. She reached out and touched his face. "I'm sorry to put you through this. I know you must have been worried."

"Nah, EDI and I just hung out. Had a few beers. Played cards."

She smiled weakly. "Liar."

If he looked half as bad as he felt, then he knew the past 48 hours were spelled out on his face. "You took about ten years off my life."

"I know."

"You remember when I said I wanted to go on a mission with you someday? Well, I take it back."

"Duly noted." She settled against him and he wrapped his arms around her, grateful just to be holding her again. He inhaled her clean scent. He decided he'd put off that neck wringing he owed her until later. Or maybe never.

"The repercussions for this are going to be bad," she whispered, her breath tickling his neck.

"Yeah." He kissed her temple. "But we'll get through it. Together."

* * *

><p>"Admiral Hackett is requesting permission to come aboard," EDI announced.<p>

Joker looked at Shepard, who nodded. "Permission granted."

They were both standing by the airlock when the admiral boarded. Shepard saluted. Joker didn't. With a dismissive glance his way, Hackett asked, "Can we talk somewhere private, Commander?"

Asshole.

Shepard nodded and she and Hackett crossed the bridge. Joker returned to the cockpit. The admiral was obviously unaware that with the assistance of a certain nosy AI, he could listen in from anywhere. Too bad for him.

They stopped by the CIC. "Sounds like you went through hell down there. How are you feeling?" he heard Hackett ask.

"Fine. I wasn't expecting to see you here," Shepard replied. "Did you get my report?"

"Yes. You went out there as a favor to me. I figured that the least I could do is debrief you in person."

"I confirmed Dr. Kenson's proof. The Reapers were coming, and destroying the relay was the only way to stop them. I tried to warn the batarians, but time ran out." Shepard's voice was nearly inaudible as she spoke those last words.

"The batarians report no survivors from Aratoht. They'll demand justice for this, Shepard, and we don't want war with the batarians. Not with the Reapers knocking on our door."

"What are you saying?"

"Don't get me wrong, Commander. If it were up to me, I'd give you a damn medal. But at some point, you're going to have to go to Earth and face the music. I can't prevent it, but I can and will make them fight for it."

"Thank you, Admiral."

"When the Alliance calls, make sure you're there with your dress blues on, Shepard, ready to take the hit."

"Yes, sir."

Joker was slouched against the wall near the airlock when Hackett reappeared. The admiral gave him a perfunctory nod and was almost past him when Joker said, "You'd better not hang her out to dry."

Hackett stopped and turned. "Excuse me?"

"This is a shit storm of intergalactic proportions. And sooner or later, it's going to occur to you that the only person who knows you were involved is a former Alliance Commander and Spectre of dubious standing. Even if she can produce your message asking her to look for Dr. Kenson, I'm sure that it's suitably vague and gives you plenty of plausible deniability, should you choose to take it. But I'd advise against it. Because I know the truth, as well. And if you don't back her on this, I will dedicate myself to ruining you."

"You are out of line, Lieutenant!"

Joker pushed off the wall and pointed a shaking finger in the man's face. "I'm not a lieutenant anymore, and I don't take orders from you! I know where my loyalties lie. Do you?"

They stared each other down for several moments. Then Shepard's tired voice came from the bridge. "It's okay, Joker. Stand down."

After another moment, he took a small step back and lowered his hand. The admiral visibly composed himself, as well. "I will do everything in my power to defend Shepard, when the time comes. You have my word on that."

"With all due respect, Admiral, your word doesn't mean a whole hell of a lot to me right now. Just make sure it happens."

With a curt nod, Hackett took his leave.

"Was that really necessary?" Shepard asked, but she sounded more amused than angry.

"Probably not, but it felt good. So, what now?"

"Now, we wait for the call and hope for the best."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_That's one thing I never understood about Arrival - what the heck were the rest of the crew _doing _while Shepard was unconscious for two days? Playing cards? Watching vids? Sheesh. _


	18. Weight of the World

"_I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone_

_Everything they say, every word of it_

_Cuts me to the bone (and I bleed)_

_I've got something to say but now I've got nowhere to turn_

_It feels like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world"_

**Changes – 3 Doors Down**

* * *

><p>In the end, Hackett was true to his word. He stood beside Shepard at the trial, as did Anderson. Joker was there, but kept a low profile, at Shepard's insistence. She had made certain that his name had not appeared in her report about the occurrences in the Bahak System; ensuring, as always, that full responsibility for the events would fall upon her and not her crew. Still, if things had gone badly, he would have shed his anonymity and testified on her behalf in a heartbeat. Thankfully, it wasn't necessary. The undercurrent of the proceeding was that this was political showmanship; a public slap on the wrist for an incident that could not have been avoided. The end result was a temporary stripping of her rank (which she didn't officially hold, anyway), impounding of the Normandy, and house arrest. It was the details of this last that were most hotly contested, with all parties finally agreeing that Shepard would spend eight hours a day, five days a week, at Alliance HQ doing whatever menial tasks they demanded of her. On her off time, she would be monitored by a tracking device and restricted to the city limits. All in all, it beat the hell out of being charged with war crimes and thrown in the brig.<p>

Once he was certain that Shepard was going to be all right, he allowed himself to be disgruntled about the requisitioning of his ship. However, in some kind of back room deal that he didn't quite comprehend, Shepard got his commission reinstated and got him assigned to the team studying and retrofitting the Normandy. When he asked about it, she shrugged it off, saying she'd merely explained to the powers that were that nobody knew more about the Normandy than he did and that they couldn't afford to _not _have him on the crew. Regardless, considering recent events, he was pretty sure that the deal went down without Hackett's knowledge or approval. The only exchanges he'd shared with the admiral during the trial were competing scowls.

Further demonstrating that the punishment was a farce, the Alliance had assigned Shepard a small apartment mere blocks from HQ. It wasn't luxurious, but it was in a building with a spectacular view of the water. The day the trial ended, she and Jeff returned to the residence. She immediately signed onto the extranet.

"Liara, I need your help."

"Of course."

"Can you remotely hack this tracking device?" she asked, holding up her arm to display the small band encircling her wrist.

"What are you doing?" Joker asked, aghast.

"I believe so," Liara replied. "What do you need?"

"Anytime I'm not at Alliance HQ, I need it to show that I'm at this location."

"Hmm. Let's see. Okay…I'll input the coordinates for the HQ building. Then, we'll program an algorithm so that when you're more than 50 feet from that location, it will show you as being at your current location. Will that work?"

"Shepard, are you insane?" he tried again. She continued to ignore him.

"For now. If we need to get fancier, I'll let you know. Thanks, Li."

"Anytime."

Shepard signed off and turned to him, a defiant glint in her eye.

"Do you _want_ to get thrown in jail?"

"Not particularly. But I don't want the brass looking over my shoulder every moment, either."

He shook his head. He had to admire her chutzpah. But this - the whole middle finger to authority attitude – that was him, not Shepard. Now she was dishonored and he was reinstated. The role reversal was enough to make his head spin.

He was perhaps the only one who understood how much the Alliance's reprimand stung. The weight of those 300,000 lives weighed heavily on her conscience. Intellectually, Shepard understood the necessity for the public humiliation. Psychologically, it was salt on an open wound. The organization she'd tried to serve so faithfully was saying that she could have done it differently…done it better. Although everyone involved knew that to be false, the implication festered.

And it was apparently turning its host a little bitter.

So it was that they ended up in a different apartment, only two blocks from the original one. Close enough so that she could quickly appear where she was supposed to be, if necessary. This one was larger, more suitable for the two of them, with an even more spectacular panorama from the modest balcony. They rented it in Joker's name and paid six months up front. The landlord gratefully took the credits and asked a minimum of questions.

That evening, they leaned against the balcony railing, beers in hand, watching the sun set in a dizzying array of colors, reflected across the still water below.

"So beautiful," he observed.

"It sure is."

"Was it like this where you were from?"

She gave a harsh bark. "No."

There was something behind her eyes, something that had been there ever since Aratoht...a guarded watchfulness that he understood, but hated, nonetheless.

He moved to stand behind her, resting his arms alongside hers on the railing. She sighed and leaned into him, some of the tension finally bleeding out of her stance. He buried his face in her hair, nuzzling her neck, and she sighed again.

"It's going to be okay," he told her. She didn't respond, just stared silently out over the water as the sun sank beyond the horizon.

* * *

><p>And thus began their time on Earth. Joker gained a better understanding of how his mother had felt when he'd returned to Arcturus after the destruction of the Normandy. His happiness during this time was marred only by his awareness of Shepard's melancholy. Their apartment was only five blocks from the port where the Normandy was in dry dock, so every morning he rose and walked the distance. As a result, muscles that had atrophied during all the hours he'd spent sitting in the cockpit began to strengthen. His endurance improved dramatically, and his gait evened out considerably. The personnel the Alliance had assigned to work on the project were both capable and affable, and the work days flew by quickly.<p>

On the contrary, Shepard's days were frustratingly unproductive. The office staff who were supposed to assign her tasks were completely intimidated by her. Anytime someone gathered the courage to make a request, she managed to be deliberately inept enough so that they never asked again. By the end of the second week, she was spending half of her work day in the gym, and the other half dodging her superiors. Most days, she returned from HQ dour and snappish.

On the plus side, they both adored Seattle. It was paradise for caffeine junkies such as themselves, with gourmet coffee shops on every corner. Even Joker, who had always taken his coffee black - being of the opinion that there was nothing you could do to military coffee to make it taste any better - experimented with some of the less frilly concoctions. They were all equally delicious. On the other side of the beverage equation, the markets held a stunning selection of microbrews. He and Shepard agreed that there were many more than they'd ever be able to try, but they were certainly up for the challenge. There were lagers, ales, pilsners, stouts…it was a beer drinker's heaven. They purchased a new variety every couple of days, but Shepard soon came to favor a raspberry ale that wasn't to his liking. She made repeat purchases of that particular flavor while his quest for the perfect beer continued, undaunted.

The city's residents were friendly and laid-back, and the pace of daily life was not so much a race as a meander. There was a plethora of cultural and culinary treasures to discover. The topography was breathtaking – a bevy of sparkling lakes and forests of luscious evergreens nestled between snow-capped mountain ranges. The salt-scented air was intoxicating. Not even the constant drizzle could whet their enthusiasm for their temporary home.

For Joker, in particular, it was an enlightening experience. He'd never spent much time on Earth, having only visited with his parents once or twice when he was a child. He'd been too young and self-involved to appreciate the history they'd been trying to share with him. It made him that much more curious about Shepard's background and the place that she'd grown up. He'd tried repeatedly to engage her in conversation on the topic, but she'd seemed disinclined to discuss it, so he'd finally given up.

But perhaps the best part, as cliché as it was, was spending time together, just the two of them. Their time on Illium had been wonderful, but it had felt like the vacation that it was. Their time on Arcturus had been stressful. Their time on Earth was about the closest thing to "normal" that Joker had experienced since leaving his parents' house. They rose in the morning and went to work. They came home in the evening and either cooked or went out for dinner. If the weather wasn't too inclement, they usually walked down by the waterfront before sundown. They spent their evenings reading, watching vids, playing cards, or even surfing the extranet. Many nights were spent indulging in unhurried explorations of new avenues of carnal pleasures. Granted, Shepard often seemed somewhat distracted and he had to try a bit harder to elicit the grin that he adored, but it was worth the effort. Most days, it wasn't that difficult to imagine that there were no Reapers and that he and Shepard were already married, living out their simple lives in this emerald paradise.

* * *

><p>They'd been there for about a month on the day when the sun finally peeked through the clouds. By early afternoon, the haze had burned off entirely and the sky was a perfect azure. Joker left the Normandy early, thinking he would pick up some provisions for a meal that they could cook out on the grill on the balcony. It was too damn nice to stay indoors.<p>

He stopped by the apartment, and was surprised to find Shepard sprawled on the couch. The door to the patio was open, and a delicious breeze wafted in off of the water. She had a beer in her hand and the TV was on.

"Hey," he said. "I didn't think you'd be home yet."

"Left early."

This was troubling, since it was a term of her probation that she be at HQ during specific hours, but he let it go. "What are you watching?" he asked, peering at the screen.

"Hockey game." When he didn't respond, she glanced up and read his blank expression. That was when he noticed that she had a magnificent shiner around one eye. It was already radiant with several shades of yellow, green and purple. "Hockey?" she said again, as if that explained it.

"What the hell happened to your eye?"

"Sparring mishap."

"What do you mean, 'mishap'?" He was confused. Who had she been sparring with? And why had they, even unintentionally, blackened her eye?

"You didn't have hockey on Arcturus?" she asked, redirecting the conversation.

Joker stifled his frustration at the evasion. This was common from Shepard these days - the avoidance of his inquiries - and no amount of persistence could force her to talk if she refused. If he pressed her, she'd shut down completely. He didn't want that, especially not today. "We barely had people on Arcturus when I was growing up."

"I weep for your childhood," she said, taking a swig of beer before turning back to the game. He watched as one player slammed another into the wall. It shook violently.

"I think I'm beginning to understand why you like it, though."

"Best sport ever," she confirmed with a nod.

"Is that the object? To slam people into the wall?"

"They're called the boards. And no, the object is to put the puck into the net. The hitting is just a happy by-product."

"Huh." He went into the bedroom to get changed, leaving the door open so that she could hear him. "I was going to go to the Market to get some food to cook on the grill. Want to come?"

"Sure. I just want to see the end of the game."

The buzzer sounded just as he was lacing up his shoes. Shepard let out a little cheer. He glanced back at the screen.

"Were you rooting for that team? The Blackhawks?"

"Yeah."

"Is that where you're from? Chicago?" It meant nothing to him. He tried to remember if he'd seen the name when he'd snooped in her file, but it had been too long ago, and he couldn't recall. He didn't know if it was near to where they were, or on a different continent. But he was curious.

"C'mon," she said, setting the empty beer bottle on the table. "Let's go get some grub."

* * *

><p>Despite all her obfuscating, Shepard's mood was bright as they browsed Pike Place Market. She intertwined her fingers with his, tugging him this way and that to peruse the delicacies on display. The market was busy, its aisles crowded with other denizens drawn from their dens by the shining orb in the sky. They bought some strawberries and she fed one to him before pilfering one for herself. Bolstered by her playfulness, he stole a kiss, the sweet taste of the berry lingering on her lips. They purchased corn on the cob and ingredients for a salad. At the fishmonger, they bought a half pound of giant prawns to grill on skewers. The butcher provided two large t-bone steaks. They were headed back to the apartment when they passed the bakery. Shepard paused, gazing longingly at the confections in the window.<p>

"Why don't you get something?" he encouraged.

Her brows drew together in consternation as she glanced down at her middle. "I saw Anderson today," she admitted. "He said that I looked like I was getting soft."

Alarm bells immediately went off in Joker's head, cautioning him to tread lightly.

The truth was that they'd both undergone physical changes in the time that they'd been grounded. They walked everywhere, and the steep incline and decline of the city's streets had given Joker's calf and thigh muscles more definition than they'd ever had…and his ass, as well, if Shepard was to be believed. At the same time, food was both bountiful and flavorful, unlike aboard a spacecraft, and although he tried to eat healthily, even he could see the difference in his face and waistline. However, the beer and food were well worth it, and Shepard professed that she found his new silhouette sexy, so who was he to argue?

On the other hand, no amount of walking or cardio in a gym could simulate the combat conditions to which Shepard's body was accustomed. Her form had always been all hard angles and jutting bones as her caloric intake fought to keep up with her incendiary metabolism. But lately, she'd been focusing on strength training and hand-to-hand combat, and the contours of her muscles were visibly becoming more delineated. At the same time, the additional bulk had caused her to round out in all the right places…the swell of her breasts; the curve of her hips; the shape of her rear.

She'd always been stunning, but now she was absolutely irresistible. The amount of time he spent thinking about her naked, or trying to get her naked, was actually a little embarrassing. But not enough to discourage him from his efforts.

Still, he knew if he didn't express these thoughts carefully, he could easily end up saying the wrong thing. So, he went for simplicity.

"You're not soft. You look strong; healthy; beautiful. You always look beautiful."

She gave him a grateful smile. "Are you just saying that to appease me?"

"No. Have you been saying that you're hot for my ass to appease me?"

"No," she said, groping the aforementioned body part.

"Well, there you go."

"Forget the bakery. I know what I want for dessert," she stated, hooking her fingers in his waistband and pulling him closer.

Joker grinned. Damned if he wasn't getting good at this relationship stuff, after all!

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_I had SO MUCH FUN writing this chapter! I changed the location from Vancouver to Seattle, because although I've been to Vancouver, I used to live in Seattle. And there are many similarities between the two cities. _

_Anyone else think Joker's face looked a little, ahem,_ rounder_, in ME3? Well, this is my explanation for why that was! ;P_


	19. Wanted You All Along

"_Dirty little lady with the pretty pink thong_

_Every sugar daddy hitting on her all night long_

_Doesn't care about the money, she could be with anybody_

_Ain't it funny how the honey wanted you all along"_

**Something In Your Mouth - Nickelback**

* * *

><p>"I feel like a big, juicy, greasy burger," Joker announced as he walked through the door to their apartment. Shepard must have just beaten him home as she was in the bedroom, shucking her uniform. He caught a quick flash of black bikini briefs and a lace bra, and thought briefly about a change of plans, but then she disappeared into the closet and re-emerged pulling a cotton dress over her head. He was surprised – she almost never wore dresses – but this was a simple black shift with thin straps that fell to about mid-thigh. It was casual, yet sexy. She slid her feet into thong sandals. Her toenails were bright red.<p>

"McLaren's?" she asked. It was a local pub within walking distance with a good selection of beers on tap and decent food at a reasonable price. They had become semi-regulars, frequenting the place once or twice a week.

"If you don't mind," he replied as he shed his own uniform and pulled on a pair of cargo shorts and a t-shirt. He sat on the edge of the bed to pull on his shoes. The day had been warm and the evening promised to be mild, as well, with no rain in sight.

"Fine with me," she said as she leaned over to give him a belated greeting kiss. He grinned as she continued on her way to the bathroom.

"Mmm…I can almost taste the bacon and cheese already," he announced, and his stomach rumbled in anticipation.

"And I can almost hear your arteries hardening from here," she called from behind the closed door.

"Gah. You're killing my buzz, man."

"Sorry." The toilet flushed, the water ran, and the door opened. "I'm ready whenever you are."

* * *

><p>They walked the few blocks to the pub hand-in-hand. But when they opened the door, a tidal wave of sound assaulted them and they were barely able to squeeze through the opening into the throng that inhabited the room.<p>

"Well, shit," he groused. "What the hell is going on?"

Every screen in the bar was tuned to the same station – a sporting event. Basketball, it looked like. The majority of the crowd was riveted, and more than a few patrons sported team colors.

"Must be playoffs or something," Shepard shrugged.

Overhearing, a young guy turned to her with disdain. "Not just playoffs. The Championship!"

"Sure. Sorry," she said dismissively.

"Damn," Joker pouted. "I _really _wanted that burger." He glanced around the room in the vain hope of spotting an empty table when he spied two people smiling and waving them over. "Uh oh."

"What?" Shepard asked.

"It's that couple from our building. The creepy ones who want to be our friends."

Shepard's eyes scanned the area and then fell on the couple, as well. "Crap. Let's get out of here."

"C'mon, Shep," he implored, sending their neighbors a tentative wave while heading in their direction. "They have that whole table to themselves. And I'm _hungry_!"

"Okay, okay. No whining, please. What are their names, again?" she grumbled, following reluctantly in his wake.

"Uh…his name's Glen…or Greg. Something like that. Her name starts with an 'M', I think?"

"Great. That's a big help." She plastered on a fake smile as they arrived at the table.

"Commander Shepard! So nice to see you again. Would you care to join us?" Glen/Greg said, standing to greet them.

"Nice to see you, too. That would be great, thanks. You remember Jeff?" she asked, as if she and Glen/Greg hung out all the time.

"Of course. Greg Somers," he said, extending his hand to Joker. "This is my wife, Maria."

Joker shook his hand and slid into the booth. He nodded at the smiling Maria. "Thanks for sharing your table with us."

"Don't be silly! It's our pleasure," Greg gushed as he and Shepard claimed the outside spots. "We're big fans of Commander Shepard's. Maria and I both agree that what the Alliance did to her was wrong. She's a hero! If she said the relay had to be destroyed, then it had to be destroyed. Why should we care about the batarians, anyway? They've never been an ally to the humans."

Shepard's gaze hardened. "I appreciate your support, but batarians or not, a lot of people lost their lives. That's not something I take lightly."

"No, of course not!" Greg said, backpedaling. "I didn't mean to imply that it wasn't a tragedy. Just that I'm sure that you did the right thing, given the circumstances."

Shepard nodded curtly. Happily, a waitress appeared to take their order. She recognized Joker and Shepard and asked, "The regular?"

Joker nodded, but Shepard said, "Just a beer for me."

"Be right up."

After she left, Joker said to Shepard, "Not hungry?"

She shrugged. "I ate a late lunch.

He scrutinized her face, but spied no deceit. Skipping meals had become a semi-regular occurrence for her lately, and it was notable for its unusualness. He was somewhat concerned that perhaps it was a sign that she wasn't feeling well, mentally or physically. But, so far, he'd chosen not to question her about it.

The waitress returned with their beers and hurried away again. Two minutes of banal conversation later, and Shepard's eyes were already glazed over. He could tell she was trying to focus on their companions, but her gaze kept drifting around the crowded room. Still, he was startled when he felt her hand land on his leg and settle there.

He tensed, but when the appendage merely perched there innocently for several long moments, he relaxed. That, of course, was when she pounced. Shepard nodded and said something to Maria as her fingers began to wander his thigh. Slowly, gently, they traced lazy patterns through the fabric of his shorts. He took a sip of his beer and tried to follow the conversation as her digits stroked their way ever closer to his crotch. Just before they could make direct contact, he reached under the table and grabbed her wrist.

Gently, he removed her hand and guided it toward her own lap. But when he released her, she immediately returned the gesture, drawing his hand toward the exposed flesh above her knee. His fingertips made contact with soft, smooth skin and began to caress, seemingly of their own volition. She relinquished her grip as his hand slid between her thighs, returning her own to where it had left off. Joker's attention was now divided between the sensations emanating from beneath his fingertips and between his legs, and he was finding it very difficult to concentrate on anything else.

Her roaming fingers finally found their destination, and she trailed one along his inseam, from his balls to the tip of his growing erection. He sucked in air, and when Greg glanced at him, he covered the sound by clearing his throat. He glanced at Shepard, whose face betrayed nothing, but he could see the smugness behind the stifled grin. Well, two could play _that_ game.

Under the dress, at the junction of her thighs, his fingers encountered the satiny barrier of her panties. He began to stroke the material, slowly and gently, until he could feel the warmth and dampness through the cloth. Shepard's face had solidified into a mask, but he saw her swallow hard as her cheeks flushed with heat. She retaliated, gliding fingertips up and down along the length of his arousal until it pressed painfully against the confines of his clothing. All he could hear now was the blood pounding in his ears, and he saw their companions exchange a glance as he and Shepard presumably failed to respond appropriately to something that had been said.

Joker said, "Uh huh," and nodded, hoping that his response made sense in the context of the conversation.

He desperately wanted to break the stalemate with Shepard, but didn't want to be the one to capitulate. Suddenly, it occurred to him that he had the advantage of easier access. Anticipating victory, he slid one finger inside the elastic of her underwear and came in contact with feverish, slippery flesh. Shepard stiffened as he teasingly traced a sensuous path along her outer lips, and then audibly gasped as he dipped the digit inside of her. She immediately squeezed her legs together to trap his hand and prevent him from continuing his torture.

Their tablemates looked startled as she jumped up, saying, "Will you excuse us for a moment?" and proceeded to drag Joker toward the back of the restaurant.

"Where are we going?" he inquired, stumbling as he tried to keep up.

She didn't respond as they hurried down the short hallway to the restrooms and found one that was available. She grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him inside, locking the door behind them. The restrooms were designed for a single occupant of either gender, and therefore, allowed for more space and privacy than a traditional bathroom stall.

Before he could say a word, her mouth covered his with frantic kisses. He responded in kind as her hands found his waist and unfastened the button and zipper. She broke away, eyes darting around the small room, and then pulled him eagerly toward the sink. She yanked down his shorts and boxers, and then turned, bracing one arm against the sink. Recognizing her intention, he lifted her skirt to her waist and shoved the fabric of her panties aside, ripping one string of the bikinis and leaving them dangling from one hip. He dove into her with one fervent thrust. She cried out as he grasped her hips, moving with a frenetic urgency.

"You could…turn on the water…to cover the noise," he suggested, never slowing his pace.

She did as he proposed, both arms braced on the basin now, supporting herself as she bent lower to get the angle of entry that she desired. She moaned loudly, and he bit his lip, searching for control but finding none. He'd never done anything this spontaneously erotic before, and he hoped the situation called for hard and fast, because that's what she was going to get. If not, well, he hoped she would forgive him for it later.

His fingers dug into her flesh as he withdrew almost completely, and then buried himself to the hilt. She gasped in pleasure as he continued the motion; until the pressure was building and he couldn't bear to relinquish that warm, wet cocoon. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, and Shepard startled, breaking their rhythm. Knowing that if she lost her focus now, it was all over, he drove into her roughly, demanding her attention. Joker continued moving until the groan gathered deep inside of him and escaped his lips at the same time he climaxed. He kept going, allowing her time to find her own release, and a few moments later, she did, white knuckles clutching the edge of the sink as she made a sound between a laugh and a whimper.

Joker slowed and then stopped, gently extricating himself from his lover's body. He staggered back a step, legs unsteady, and gave a harsh bark of laughter.

"Jesus. I need to make sure you're bored more often."

"I'm good at finding ways to entertain myself," she replied with a wicked grin, sliding the remains of her panties down her leg and dangling them from her index finger.

"No argument here."

There was another knock at the door, and Shepard called, "One second!"

Suddenly, there was a cacophony of noise from the bar – cheering, clapping, hollering – followed by an eruption of music through the venue's sound system.

"Sounds like the local sports team may have just won," Joker observed as he rearranged his clothing. Shepard was straightening up, as well, pulling her dress into place and splashing some water on her face. She turned from the sink and approached him, still looking pleased with herself.

"Well, then, I guess you're not the only one who scored. To the victor goes the spoils," she teased as she tucked her underwear in his pocket. He shook his head, bemused, as he followed her swaying ass past the shocked customer waiting for the restroom and back into the bar.

* * *

><p>There were two fresh beers and a burger waiting for them when they returned to the table. Joker was sliding into the booth and Shepard was making a lame attempt at an explanation for their disappearance when Joker heard, "Well, if it isn't Commander Shepard. Looking good, Lola."<p>

"James!" Shepard exclaimed as Joker looked up to see a mountain of a man lurking by their table wearing a smug grin. Shepard gave him a quick hug. "What are you doing here?"

"Watching the game with my compadres. You?"

"We just came for dinner. We live in the neighborhood." She turned to the table. "This is Greg and Maria Somers, my neighbors. And this is Jeff Moreau. He's the Normandy's pilot."

James nodded at the group as Maria and Greg gawked at him in frank amazement. The combination of scars and tattoos the soldier bore gave him a menacing aura not entirely offset by his friendly demeanor. Meanwhile, Joker scowled at the introduction. "_The Normandy's pilot_?" That was…vague.

"James is the lucky soldier the Alliance assigned to keep an eye on me while I'm at HQ."

"Not such a tough job," James responded with a wink. Shepard reacted with a smile and a roll of the eyes. Joker's glower deepened.

Looking at the man's physique, Joker suddenly made a connection. "You're Shepard's sparring partner - the one who gave her the black eye."

James shrugged, unabashed. "Yeah. It was my fault. I deked when I shoulda dodged. Sorry," he said, observing Joker curiously.

Joker met his gaze, challengingly. "Not my eye. She's the one you need to apologize to."

"I thought I already did," James retorted, shifting his stare to Shepard.

"You did. It was no big deal. Right?" she stated, giving Joker a pointed look. He shrugged and dropped his glare. He could feel Greg and Maria ogling them, enthralled by the drama.

A beautiful Latina girl with long black hair and café au lait skin sidled up beside James. "_Que estas haciendo, papi?_" she inquired with a pout. "_Estoy solita."_

"_Un minuto, guapisima_," James replied, putting his arm around her. "I should go," he told Shepard. "See you tomorrow."

"Yeah, see ya," she replied as he and his companion moved away. She slid into the booth next to Joker. Responding to his penetrating gaze, she said, "What?"

"Now I understand your sudden interest in working out."

"Jeff," she said, warningly.

"And why the hell does he call you '_Lola_'?"

She sighed. "I don't know. He likes to give people nicknames." Joker snorted, and she continued. "He's just a kid. He's cocky, and he talks a lot of shit. It doesn't mean anything."

"Right."

Shepard went from exasperated to infuriated in the blink of an eye. "What the _hell_ is wrong with you? I just fucked your brains out in the bathroom, and you're sitting here getting all nuts about some guy you hardly know. Some guy _I _hardly know" she hissed. It was apparently loud enough for their tablemates to hear, though, because Joker saw their jaws drop in tandem. "Is anything I say or do ever going to be enough to convince you that you have nothing to worry about? That you're the one I want…the one I've always wanted?" She was angry, but he could hear the hurt and frustration behind her words. It made him feel ashamed.

"I need to get out of here," Shepard declared, rising and throwing some money on the table. "Sorry," she mumbled to Greg and Maria as she turned and began weaving her way through the crowd. Joker shot them an embarrassed look as he extricated himself from the booth. "Yeah, sorry," he echoed as he hurried after Shepard. The couple just nodded, looking stunned.

On his way to the door, he passed the spot where James was standing with his date and three other guys who looked like soldiers, as well. The hulk shot him a knowing glance, and he fought back another surge of jealousy and rage. He'd known a hundred other marines like him. The guy was a smart ass, and he was trying to get under Joker's skin. But why he was letting him? That was the real question.

* * *

><p>He emerged into the crisp night air and glanced down the street in either direction. He spotted Shepard moving in the opposite direction from the one that would take her home. He started after her, knowing he'd never catch her if she didn't slow her brisk pace. "Shepard, wait," he called, but she either didn't hear, or chose to ignore him.<p>

He limped after her, and after a block, she'd extended the distance between them to about 150 feet. "I'm going to keep following you, so will you please just wait?" he implored, earning himself a curious glance from a pedestrian passing in the other direction. Shepard slowed and then stopped, turning around to observe his approach impatiently.

"Thank you," he huffed once he reached her, trying to catch his breath.

"What do you want?" she inquired icily, walking again, albeit at a more subdued pace. He fell into step next to her.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be such a jerk. It has nothing to do with you, or my not trusting you. Honestly," he added when she shot him a skeptical look.

"Well, what is it, then?"

"You gotta understand," he began, and immediately regretted his choice of words as she favored him with a look that said she wasn't in the mood to be told what she _had_ to do. "Try to understand," he amended," guys like that get under my skin."

She looked confused. "Guys like what? You don't even know James."

"I know his type…big, stupid, and arrogant. And girls like you always _say_ they want smart and funny, and then, they end up with guys like him. And guys like me get kicked in the balls...metaphorically speaking. And sometimes literally, as well."

Shepard looked dumbfounded. "Jeff, there are no girls like me, or guys like you. There's only you and me. No other two people have been through the shit we've been through together."

"I know, but…"

"No, I don't think you do know. I really _do_ want smart and funny. I want the guy who's always by my side, and always has my back. The guy who would fly through the flames of hell to get to me, if that's what it took."

"Shepard," he said, ducking his head, feeling silly now. "You don't have to…"

"You are the only person I've ever met who's as stubborn as I am; who has the cojones to call me on my bullshit; and at the same time, inspires me to commit lewd acts in public places," she continued, dipping her own head to try and capture his gaze. "Do you really think I would trade all that in for some wise ass kid with big muscles?"

"No. But he thinks that you would."

"Who gives a fuck what he thinks? And for the record, I think you're wrong. I'm just some beat-up old relic to him."

Joker snorted. "Shepard, I know guys, and that is _not _the way that he looked at you."

"So, he looks. So what? I though guys liked it when other guys checked out their women."

"Only when they're worse looking than we are."

"Ah." They were quiet for a short while as they turned up a side street and headed back towards their apartment. "I don't want to keep having this argument with you," she declared, softly. "With everything else that's going on, I don't want to have to worry about us. You're going to have to accept that I choose you, whether you understand why or not."

The truth in that statement struck painfully close to home. "I'm trying. But these particular neurosis and insecurities came pre-installed, and they're a real bitch to override."

"I know. Look at it this way," she said, taking his arm, "neither of us is perfect. But we're good together. And I love you, you jackass. That's what matters, right?"

"Yeah." He put his arm around her shoulder as they turned up the alley that was the shortcut that would take them home. They were about halfway down when he realized that a group of people had entered the alley from the other end. Shepard tensed and froze, glancing behind them. He followed her gaze to see more individuals coming up behind them. The alley was darker now since the illumination from the streetlights was being blocked out from both ends.

They stood, silent and wary, until a voice boomed out from the cluster in front of them. At the sound, Shepard reflexively stepped forward, shielding Joker from the audible menace.

"Well, if it isn't everybody's favorite hero, Commander Samantha Shepard?" the voice sneered.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_Some smut, cuz it's been a while and I have to earn my "M" rating. And it's fun. _

_My Spanish is _terrible_, so if anyone would like to correct it for me, please feel free. From the moment I met James in ME3, I knew he was the kind of guy that would push all of Joker's buttons. *Thank you for your help, Kurumi!*_


	20. Diablo

"_We've been through this, well, a million times_

_And you've got your pain, and I've got mine_

_So, when do we ever get way beyond this?_

_Instead of fighting for the rest of, well, our lives"_

**Eveready - Goodness**

* * *

><p>From out of the darkness, a form emerged, barely visible in the dim light. The man was tall – well over six feet – and bald. He had a scar that ran from underneath his left eye to the corner of his mouth. His eyebrow, nose and lip were pierced with thick, silver rings. He wore boots, jeans and a t-shirt under a leather jacket, and every exposed inch of skin was covered in ink. His blue eyes glinted dangerously.<p>

"Darrell," Shepard breathed.

The sneer on his face slipped a little as some of his crew snickered. "It's Diablo now," he informed her. "You're not the only one who's come up in the world."

"Mmm," she replied noncommittally. The man stepped closer, crowding Shepard's personal space, but she didn't flinch.

"Although it looks like you've traded down in at least one area if you're fucking this guy now," Darrell said, eyeing Joker with disdain.

"What do you want?" Shepard asked him, sharply.

"You and I have a score to settle, my lovely Samantha."

"Oh, yeah? You and your friends hitchhiked all the way from Chicago to teach me a lesson?"

"I told you, I've come up in the world," Darrell replied, reaching out to stroke Shepard's face. She pulled away in distaste. "I have my own shuttle. I go where I want, when I want."

"How nice for you."

"Yes. It is." The big man paced back and forth in front of them, a few steps in either direction. "After all those years in prison, freedom is a luxury that I don't take for granted."

"That wasn't my fault."

"Oh, but I think it was, Sam."

"You're wrong."

"So, it was just a coincidence that mere weeks after you dodge a prison sentence to go into the military, the rest of us end up in the clink?" He stopped pacing and studied her, eyes and words hard as steel.

"I didn't rat you out, Darrell. I never would have," Shepard said firmly, meeting the man's eyes. Joker thought he saw a moment's doubt flicker through those ice cold orbs, but then it was gone.

"I don't believe you," he pronounced.

Shepard shrugged. "So, now what?"

"You and I settle the score, once and for all."

She eyed him, disbelievingly. "One on one, you and me?"

"Of course. Don't I always fight fair?" he asked, his tone mocking.

She hesitated, glancing at Joker. "Give me one minute."

Darrell gestured, graciously. "Let me know when you're ready."

He stepped back, and Shepard pulled Joker aside, out of earshot.

"What's going on?" he asked her. "Who is this guy?"

"My ex," she replied, grimly. "Shari doesn't look so bad now, huh?"

"But…"

"Look, I'll explain it all later. For now, just know that Darrell won't fight fair. He knows he can't beat me, and he won't want to lose face in front of his men. If they give you the opportunity, make a break for it. Otherwise," she gave him an apologetic look, "this isn't going to end well for either of us."

"Great." Joker would have laughed at the absurdity of it all if he hadn't been so sure they were both about to get their asses kicked. Shepard was going to fight, unarmed, in a dark alley against a vengeful ex-lover while wearing a dress, with her panties still tucked into Joker's pocket. The universe really did have a dark sense of humor sometimes.

"Ready?" her opponent called impatiently.

"Yeah." She gave Joker a lingering look, and he could tell that she wanted to say or do something to reassure him, but she didn't want to show weakness in front of the enemy. He held her eye and nodded.

"Kick some ass."

The corner of her mouth quirked, and she nodded in return. Then she moved to meet her opponent.

* * *

><p>As Shepard and Darrell convened in the middle of the alley, the rest of the group fell back to give them room. Darrell had removed his jacket to reveal a sleeveless t-shirt underneath. Two of his men moved to either side of Joker, obviously tasked with keeping an eye on him. So much for slipping away undetected.<p>

The two rivals stood facing each other in silence for a moment. Then Shepard nodded, and they began to circle, warily.

"I've been waiting a long time for this, Sam," Darrell said, as he jabbed at her with his right hand. She blocked it easily. "You're a hard woman to find."

"Yeah, well, Finch found me. That didn't work out too well for him."

"He always was a moron." Darrell jabbed for a second time with his right, and she again dodged it fluidly. "But after that, you were way off the grid for a while."

Shepard faked with her right, and when her adversary overreacted, landed a blow to his ribs with her left. "Oh, that? Yeah, I was dead."

Darrell scoffed. "That was the official story, anyway."

"Nah, it was the truth."

"You look pretty good for dead." This time he quickly followed the predictable right jab with a left uppercut that found its mark. Shepard reeled back a step, but managed to shake off the blow.

"Yeah, well, what's that saying? 'Heaven don't want me, and hell's afraid I'll take over?'"

The gang leader laughed. "You always were funny, Sam. Smart and tough, too. And a hell of a great lay."

"Too bad I can't say the same for you," Shepard replied, ducking in close and landing a flurry of blows. Darrell swung out blindly, and finally connected with a roundhouse that forced her backwards. When he looked up, blood trickled from the corner of his mouth. All traces of humor were gone from his eyes.

"You want me? Come and get me, bitch."

Shepard closed on her enemy with an angry snarl, and Joker saw the man reach behind his back into the waistband of his jeans. He wanted to shout a warning, but he was afraid that distracting her would be equally disastrous. There was a _snap_ as the sap locked into place, and then Darrell dodged her advance and cracked Shepard across the side of the head as she moved past him. She crumpled to the ground and lay still.

Joker cried out and moved to go to her, but his guards each grabbed an arm to restrain him. Darrell turned his cold, predatory gaze his way. Joker steeled himself, mentally preparing to take the blows, physically trying to relax rather than tense, which would only make it worse. The man approached slowly, clearly enjoying Joker's apprehension.

Finally, he stood before him and stared at Joker coolly. "I don't know what she sees in you, but you're a lucky guy. She was the best I ever had." With that, he drew back his fist and drove it into Joker's defenseless middle. The air whooshed out of him as his captors released him and he sank to the alley floor. He could hear derisive laughter as Darrell and his crew took their leave, vanishing into the night as quickly as they had appeared.

When he could once again draw breath, he lifted his head to search for Shepard. She lay in an unmoving heap a few feet from him. He crawled toward her, trying to avoid the shards of dangerous debris littered across the alley. He made it to her side and touched her shoulder.

"Shepard?" She didn't stir. Blood trickled from her temple, but her breathing appeared to be even and steady. He sat, cradling her head in his lap, gently brushing her matted hair back from the wound.

Pulling oxygen into his protesting lungs, he shouted for help. It seemed like forever, but was probably closer to a matter of minutes later, when two patrol officers heard his cries and came to their rescue. They called an ambulance and advised him to try to relax while they waited. He stroked Shepard's face, and told her that assistance was on the way.

At the hospital, Joker was examined and quickly released. Amazingly, the punch had landed squarely in his diaphragm and missed his ribs entirely. It made him wonder how much Shepard's former comrade had known about his condition, and why he had used that knowledge to avoid injuring him rather than to hurt him more severely. He sat in the waiting room, anxious for an update on Shepard's condition. She was still unconscious, the last he'd heard.

Anderson marched through the doors of the emergency room, a scowl on his face.

"What is Shepard doing in the hospital? And why does her tracking bracelet say she's currently safe and sound in her apartment?"

And that was how things went from bad to worse.

* * *

><p>Shepard had a concussion. She was admitted to the hospital for observation. The doctors held her for several days when she experienced post-concussion symptoms such as double-vision, nausea and headaches. Her symptoms were subsiding and they were preparing to release her to the Alliance's custody when Joker had a brainstorm. He contacted Chakwas on the Citadel, asked her if she had any contacts in Seattle, and told her what he wanted. She found a friend of a friend who knew someone at the hospital, and Shepard's discharge was delayed for a few more days. But eventually, they were able to stall no longer.<p>

Her house arrest revoked, Shepard was remanded to the Alliance's detention center. She was to remain there indefinitely. Joker visited her every day after he left the Normandy. James Vega was assigned to continue in his role as Shepard's guardian from the hours of 12:00 to 21:00 every day. Joker got the impression that the arrangement didn't please the soldier any more than it thrilled Shepard. But Vega treated Shepard with respect, and for that, Joker was grateful. He wasn't allowed to leave the couple unattended, and they weren't supposed to have any physical contact, but Vega gave them some space and didn't object to them kissing hello or goodbye. Joker developed a grudging respect for the man, and found himself departing in the evenings at the same time that James went off duty, not wanting to deal with Shepard's other jailers, who tended to be more by the book.

For her part, Shepard became even more withdrawn and brooding. He worried that she was still suffering from the aftereffects of the concussion, but when he asked her how she felt, she always snapped, "I'm fine." He knew she looked forward to his visits to interrupt the boredom and monotony of incarceration, but when he was there, she invariably seemed distant. After some attempts at stilted conversation, they usually ended up watching vids until it was time for him to leave. Nights in the empty apartment were worse. He discovered that there was a big difference between being alone on a ship full of people, and being lonely. He missed Shepard, and worried about her. He felt angry, frustrated and helpless.

One night, as he was leaving the detention center, James stopped him in the hall. "Hey, do you have a minute?"

Joker eyed him wearily. "What's up?"

The younger man looked uncomfortable. "Look, I may be out of line, but I'm worried about Lo-" Joker's scowl at his use of the nickname brought James up short. "Commander Shepard. You come by here every day, and I know you guys are…" He gestured vaguely with his hand. "So I thought maybe I should say something."

"Why are you worried?"

"Before, when she was working down here, her and I used to talk sometimes, you know? And we were working out. I was helping her bulk up. She could still use the gym now if she wanted to, but when I asked, she said she's not interested. She doesn't really talk to me anymore, either. I know it's hard to believe, but she says more when you're here than any other time, and that ain't much, right? Plus, she's not really eating. Usually her lunch or dinner tray, and sometimes both, goes back untouched. I know this situation sucks and all, but I hate to see her like this. She's good people, ya know?"

"Yeah," Joker said, softly. "I know."

"So, anyway," James said, awkwardly. "I thought you should know."

"Thanks," Joker said, extending his hand to the other man. James looked surprised by the gesture, but grasped it firmly. "I appreciate you looking out for her."

"Sure," Vega replied, looking embarrassed. "Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, see you tomorrow," Joker responded as he watched James depart, his brain whirling with concern and uncertainty.

* * *

><p>Over the course of the next few days, he doubled his efforts to draw Shepard out. He weathered her irritation at his probing, welcoming any reaction other than the apathy she'd been demonstrating. He asked her pointedly about how she was feeling, what she'd been eating, and how she'd been spending her days. She grew annoyed when she couldn't dodge his inquiries - initially giving him the silent treatment, but eventually, providing at least grudging responses.<p>

One evening, about two weeks after the attack, he arrived at her cell to find her perched tensely on the edge of the couch. The space was silent, the TV and radio off. She was holding something in her hand, turning it thoughtfully. He glanced at James, who shrugged. Joker crossed the room to the sofa.

"What's that?" he asked, settling beside her.

"A ring that Darrell gave me a long time ago," she replied. At his startled reaction, she explained, "No, not that kind of ring. I don't have any fiancés lurking in the closet of my past."

"I guess I deserve that."

"He lifted it off of some guy that we shook down together. Romantic, huh?" Her tone was so full of bitter self-recrimination, he didn't know how to respond. She continued to spin the ring as if searching for clues. Finally, she sighed and glanced at him out of the corner of her eye.

"I suppose I owe you an explanation."

"You don't _owe_ me anything. But if you want to talk, I'll listen to whatever you have to say."

She looked down again, appeared to be gathering her thoughts. "I ran away from my last foster home when I was 15. I don't know if I'd finally gotten more elusive, or if DSS just decided to stop wasting resources on tracking me down. I'd been on the streets for about three weeks when I ran into Darrell and his crew.

I was foraging, just trying to stay alive, but I'd wandered into Reds territory. I snitched food from a vendor that was under their 'protection.' Darrell told his guys to teach me a lesson. I was terrified, but when they backed me into a corner, I did the only thing I knew how to do – I fought back. When it was over, I was the one still standing.

Darrell was a lieutenant back then – still small time, but coming up through the ranks. He was 19, which meant he'd outlived and outsmarted many of his peers, who were either dead or in jail. He wasn't amused by my victory, but he was impressed. He took me under his wing. He taught me how to fight more effectively, and how to use a knife and gun. He taught me…other things," she said, her voice dropping. "He was the first guy I let touch me. Voluntarily, anyway," she admitted in a whisper, and Joker's stomach clenched. He'd always suspected as much – a young girl, getting bounced from one foster home to another – it was a common enough story. But it still made him sick to think about it. And a 19 year-old man taking advantage of a desperate 15 year-old girl wasn't much better. He tried to keep the pity and disgust from reaching his face, knowing she would have no use for either. He needn't have worried – Shepard's gaze was far away, lost in remembrances. Joker glanced toward where James was stationed, but to his relief, the guard was out of earshot and pointedly not looking in their direction.

"I became something of a prized possession to him – a novelty he could show off. He would pit me against rival gang members, demanding huge concessions if I could beat them in a fight. They promised him whatever he asked, none of them believing a mere girl could take them down. His reputation and territory expanded exponentially – until his foes got wise to his scheme. One day, when I was 16, we went to a battle that was supposed to be me versus two adversaries, which wasn't uncommon by that time. I had already laid one of them out when the other one pulled a knife on me. Weapons were completely against the rules, but he didn't care about winning the fight - he wanted to get rid of me, once and for all. He stabbed me in the side and I collapsed. Darrell and the rest of the Reds beat him to within an inch of his life. I heard later that he was in the hospital for a month. Being a runaway, I couldn't go to a hospital without risking apprehension. So, Darrell waited until one of the neighborhood clinics closed, and then forced the doctor to treat me at gunpoint. The terrified physician bandaged me up and gave me antibiotics. I thought it was all terribly dramatic and romantic," she conceded with a rueful smile. "I knew he was using me, but it was the closest thing to love that I had ever known. I depended on him. And I think he cared about me, too, as much as a sociopath like him is capable of caring."

"Not that it was all sunshine and bunnies," she joked, borrowing one of his catch phrases in an attempt to lighten the mood. "Some of the initiates had homes, but most of the full-fledged gang members were runaways, like me. The gang was our family. We squatted in abandoned buildings. We stole whatever we could. We had to be constantly vigilant for police. There were other girls who hung with us – a few were members of the gang, but most were girlfriends. As Darrell moved up in rank, plenty of them wanted to be with him. I know he obliged many of them. The first real fight we had was when he gave me an STD. I told him he was going to have to lay off the other chicks and start using condoms. I expected him to get physical, try to slap me around for challenging him, but he was either afraid, or he was actually remorseful. Either way, I doubt he honored the first part of my demand, but he did respect the second. And despite his infidelity, he never once gave me any indication that he considered leaving me for someone else. And I never thought about breaking up with him, either. As pitiful as it seems now, being with Darrell gave me power and status, two things I'd never had. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was somebody, and I had someplace I belonged."

"I can understand that," Joker said quietly.

She met his eyes, searching. He wondered if she was thinking about what his mother had told her about his assignment to the Normandy. "Yeah, I guess you can."

She heaved a sigh and reclined against the back of the sofa. "In the meantime, I'd been picked up twice by the cops…once, for shoplifting; the second time, for assault. The first time, I was 16 and the cops let me go with a slap on the wrist. I was 17 when the assault arrest happened, and I was terrified they were going to lock me up. But Darrell posted bail before the court figured out that I was a fugitive from the system, and I never showed up for my trial.

Then, two months before my 18th birthday, I got collared for another assault and battery. I was certain that I was screwed. But when I went before the judge, he told me that I could go to jail, or I could put all my rage to good use and join the Alliance. I couldn't believe it…even the public defender they'd assigned me seemed surprised. I didn't know what I was signing up for, but I figured that it had to be better than prison. I agreed, and I spent the time until I turned 18 in juvenile detention. Darrell was in court at my sentencing, and that was the last time I saw him. I was in basic training when I heard that there had been a raid and the gang had been disbanded. When I thought about it afterwards, I strongly suspected that there had been an infiltrator – someone who had gathered evidence against the Reds, as well as recommended my plea bargain to the court. I don't know who it was, or what they saw in me, but I've always been grateful that things turned out the way that they did. I could have easily ended up rotting in jail along with the rest of them. But Darrell never believed that I wasn't the snitch. And I have to admit, the timing was suspicious."

Her fingers worked continuously, worrying the ring. "I guess I've always expected my past to come calling. I wasn't sure how, or when, but I knew Darrell wouldn't just let it go…_couldn't_ just let it go. Finch's appearance was a warning shot. It's my fault that I wasn't better prepared this time. My carelessness put you at risk. And now, I owe him, as well."

"What? What do you mean?" Joker asked, confused. "For what?"

"One, for not killing me. Not that he ever would. We have too much history. But mostly, because he didn't hurt you." She looked at him with a pained expression. "You were vulnerable, and he knows what you mean to me. He spared you to make sure I would be in his debt."

Joker remembered that he'd had the same thought at the hospital, wondering why he'd been saved from a more serious beating. He hated that the bastard had used her affection for him against her.

She must have read the regret on his face, because she grasped his hand. "No. I don't want you to feel guilty. This is my mess. I brought it on myself. It's just…we like to think that the past is the past, but it's never that simple, is it?"

"No. I guess not."

"And now, being locked up here…" She blew out a sigh of frustration. "More stupid decisions on my part for which we're both paying the price. I'm sorry…so damn sorry."

"C'mere." He hooked an arm around her neck, half hug and half headlock. "First of all, I have to say it, 'cause I'll never get another opportunity – as far as the tracking device goes, 'I told you so!'"

She gave a snort of surprise, pushing against his embrace, but he held tight. She gave up quickly, still snickering at his audacity. Vega glanced at them, a look of bemusement on his usually stoic face as he observed their antics.

"As for the rest of it," he continued in a more serious tone, "part of me wants to say, 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way you grew up, what you went through, that your past doesn't seem to want to let go.' But I can't, because as cliché as it is, all of that made you the person that you are today. You're a fighter, you're a survivor, and you never, ever give up, no matter the odds."

"Doesn't that just make me deranged?" she asked, sarcastically.

"Maybe," he admitted. "And maybe I'm insane, too, but I still fucking love you for it."

She grinned for the first time in far too long and touched her lips to his. He kissed back, grinning as well, and then laughing when she pushed against him, catching him unprepared and toppling him into a reclining position on the couch. He kept his arm around her neck, pulling her on top of him. She giggled, playfully planting kisses on his face and neck as she hovered over him.

"All right, you two. Break it up," James said, unable to hide the amusement in his voice. Shepard reluctantly slid off of Joker, pouting.

"Damn it, James, you killjoy."

"Hey, listen, Lola…you want to crawl all over me, then we can talk," the marine said, causing Joker to shoot a scowl his way. Just when he was starting to think the guy was okay. "But until then, I'm not getting my ass held over the fire so you two can tongue wrestle. Got it?"

"Yeah, yeah," she said, waving him off, dismissively. "Whatever."

"Besides, it's time for me to go, and your next jailer isn't a big softie like me."

She snorted as Joker reluctantly stood and collected himself. "I guess that means I should be going, too. Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah." At his skeptical look, she said, "Really. I'm okay."

"Okay." He slid his hand around the back of her neck, pulling her close for a lingering kiss, daring James to interrupt. When they finally broke apart he said, "Just hang in there. I'm sure this situation won't last much longer."

As it turned out, he was more right about that than he could have imagined.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_Well, there you have it. Everyone's deepest, darkest secrets have been revealed. Now, we can get on with the soul-crushing task of saving the galaxy from the Reapers. Yippee._


	21. Songs of Yesterday

"_Dying, everyone reminding_

_Hearts are washed in misery_

_Drenched in gasoline_

_Laughter, there is no more laughter_

_Songs of yesterday now live_

_In the underground"_

**Before the Lobotomy – Green Day**

* * *

><p>Joker walked into the dark, silent apartment, turning on lights as he went. He made a beeline for the fridge, pulled out a cold beer, and twisted off the cap. He flicked it towards the sink, not caring when he missed and it went skittering across the counter. It had been a long day, and he was tired. Spending all of his days on the Normandy, and all of his evenings with Shepard, was starting to take a toll. He flopped onto the couch and was about to turn on the TV when he noticed the extranet terminal blinking. He debated whether or not to ignore it. He got periodic messages from the Normandy's crew, wanting updates on Shepard's status and a timeframe for when they would be back in action. There wasn't much he could tell them, causing frustration on both ends. But he knew they had good intentions and that Shepard would want him to keep them informed, so he tried to respond in a somewhat timely fashion. Sighing, he pulled up his inbox.<p>

But the message wasn't from a teammate. It was from his mother.

_Jeffrey,_

_We're leaving Arcturus first thing in the morning, and should arrive in Seattle the following evening. I have your contact information, and will let you know when we arrive on Earth. We are looking forward to seeing you and Samantha. _

_Love, _

_Mom_

Well, fuck. With all that had happened, he had completely forgotten about his parents' impending visit.

Joker had contacted them before the trial, when he and Shepard had first arrived on Earth. He hadn't wanted them to hear about the events in Bahak on the news vids. His mother had listened to his recitation without interruption. When he'd concluded, she'd merely said, "Well, I'm sure Samantha did what she thought was best."

Joker had been surprised but grateful for her response. "Yeah, she did."

"Then I'm sure that the Alliance will see that, as well."

Once the trial had concluded, he'd kept them updated about what was happening – Shepard's sentence, his work on the Normandy, his impressions of Seattle. His mother had been the one to suggest a visit.

"It's been a long time since your father and I have been to Earth, and I don't think I've ever been to Seattle. You could show us around. Perhaps we could even look at some possible locations for your wedding."

"Mom, we're not thinking about the wedding right now. I'm not sure Shep…Sam would want to get married here, anyway."

"Why not? She's from Earth, isn't she? And we still have family there. It could work out well for all involved."

He'd been noncommittal and had hoped that the subject had been dropped. Now he realized that he should have known better.

His parents were on their way, oblivious to the untimely arrival of the ghost from Shepard's past and her subsequent incarceration. He took another long pull on the beer and looked around the ransacked apartment. 48 hours to prepare. Then he would have some explaining to do.

* * *

><p>"My folks are coming for a visit," he informed Shepard the next evening when he visited her at the detention center.<p>

She shot him a sidelong glance. "Really? That seems like," he watched her visibly struggle to find the right words, "a bad idea," she concluded, apparently failing in her quest. "I have a full house," she added, displaying the cards so that he could see.

He threw his cards face down on the table. "Ya think?" he retorted, words dripping with sarcasm.

"Hey, hey, no need for that tone," she admonished, shuffling the deck. "I didn't invite them. If you know it's a bad idea, then why are they coming?"

"Because my mother's insane, and I didn't act quickly enough to intervene in her evil plan."

"Ah. Well, good luck with that."

"Yeah. Thanks." He picked up the cards, arranging them. "Give me two. No word yet on when you're getting out of here, huh? I don't suppose it might be tomorrow?"

"I seriously doubt it." She discarded one card and took a replacement. "I think you're on your own."

"Great."

"How are things going with the Normandy?" It was a small inquiry, but it made him inordinately happy. It'd been almost three weeks, and being locked up was wearing on her, but she seemed more engaged with the world around her than she had been before their talk.

"Good. The retrofits are mostly done. Now we just need to take 'er for a test drive."

"I'd love to. When you come up with a plan to bust me outta here, let me know." Her wistful tone belied the humor of the words.

"I bet 1,000," he declared.

"I call."

"I have two pair," he informed her. "Eights and tens."

"Flush," she said, grinning. "Which means you now owe me," she pretended to do the math in her head, "115,000 credits."

* * *

><p>The questions began the moment he met his parents at the spaceport without Shepard. He explained the situation as best he could. His folks were indignant on Shepard's behalf, and his father, in particular, had some strong words concerning the ignorance of the Alliance hierarchy. Joker appreciated their support, but by the time he was helping them drag their luggage out of the cab, he already had the makings of a headache throbbing behind his eyes.<p>

He got them settled into the spare bedroom and gave them the tour, which took about two minutes. His father accepted a beer and settled across from Joker at the small dining room table while his mother "freshened up" in the bathroom.

"Mmm, this is good," Marc commented, examining the label on the bottle.

"Yeah, not bad, huh? I've been experimenting with the stouts lately. This city has an endless supply of microbrews."

"Not a bad thing to recommend it," his father said, appreciatively.

"Nope."

"So, how is Sam doing?" Marc asked earnestly, apparently dispensing with the small talk.

Joker sighed. "She's better now than she was at first. The hardest part is the uncertainty. They've got her locked up indefinitely. Even criminals get a trial and a predetermined sentence. This is all just a bunch of political posturing."

"And you? How are you doing?"

"I don't know, Pop. I miss her. When we were together, being here was okay, but with every day that passes, I feel more and more like we should be out there _doing_ something. What happened in Bahak was just the beginning."

Louise entered the kitchen and took a seat at the table.

"Beer?" Joker offered.

"Would it be too much to ask for some coffee?"

"Nah, I can just throw some beans in the machine. You want some, Dad?"

"No, thanks."

Joker got up and started prepping the coffee maker, grateful for something to do. He set the machine to make four cups and grabbed two more beers before resettling at the table.

"It's good to see you, Jeffrey," his mom said, covering her hand with his. "I'm sorry if this ended up being a bad time."

"It's okay, Mom. You had no way of knowing what was going on. It's my fault for not keeping you informed. But I'm happy that you're here." He was surprised to realize that it was the truth. The apartment had been far too empty lately. It was nice to have some company.

"I just wanted to say again that I'm sorry for the way I acted when you and Samantha came to visit…"

"Mom, it's okay. You already apologized."

"I know, but I am truly sorry. I just want you to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted." She squeezed his hand.

"I know, Ma. We're good." He returned the squeeze and then rose to fill a mug as the coffee maker signaled the conclusion of the brewing process.

They sat around the table talking until the coffee and beer were gone. Joker was the first to surrender, explaining that he had to be up early for work. Exhausted, he disrobed and crawled between the sheets. All the talk of Shepard had turned his mood sour and his heart and body ached for her. He wasn't sure how much longer he could stand this irresolution.

* * *

><p>Two days later, he was deep in conversation with Adams on the Normandy when a dark shadow fell across the cockpit. The day had been sunny with few clouds in the sky, and certainly none capable of casting that kind of gloom. Puzzled, he glanced through the skylight, and at first, his brain absolutely refused to translate the image his eyes were transmitting. Then he heard Adams breathe, "Oh, my God," and the paralysis broke.<p>

The enormous, black Reaper blocked out the sun. As they gaped, it emitted an ear-rending mechanical moan and a red laser erupted from the underbelly. Everything in its path disintegrated under the onslaught.

It was then that Joker realized the laser was pointed toward where the Alliance HQ and detention center were.

His omni-tool crackled to life.

"Jeff?" It was Shepard, sounding a bit frantic.

"Shepard! The Reapers…"

"I know. They just hit the HQ. Ash and James are on their way. Anderson and I are right behind them. Can the Normandy be ready to go?"

"Um, yeah, I guess. I'll have EDI start running a systems check." His brain felt sluggish, the thoughts coming at half speed. He couldn't stop staring at the Reaper. Its enormity was mind-boggling.

"Okay. Get her powering up. We need to move, double-time."

His thought process suddenly kicked back online. "Shepard! My parents!"

She hesitated for only a second. "Where are they? The apartment?"

"No! I was planning to work a half day and then meet them for lunch at some wedding venue they wanted me to see."

"Where?"

"Shit! I don't remember." He tore his eyes from the roof, trying to recall their conversation from over breakfast this morning. "Alki Beach!" he announced, triumphantly.

He heard Anderson say, "Shepard, that's too far in the wrong direction!"

But when Shepard replied, she was her usual calm and collected self. "Okay. I'm going to try for the bridge. Get the Normandy ready for a pickup."

The Reaper let out another inhuman groan as the laser carved a new line of destruction through the downtown area. The sound penetrated Joker's skull. Buildings crumbled in its wake.

"Shepard," he said. "Be careful."

"Roger that. Shepard out."

Joker slid into the pilot's seat as Williams and Vega burst through the airlock. "Dude," Vega said. "What the fuck?"

"EDI, we need a primary systems check, pronto. Emergency protocol, essential grids only."

"Yes, Jeff." EDI's orb flashed like a disco ball as she ran the required tests.

The was an earth-shaking rumble as the Reaper struck again, and Joker stared out the windshield, horrified, as the bridge across Puget Sound was rent in half.

The weight of the structure as it collapsed pulled several more miles of its length into the water behind it like a row of dominoes.

"Shepard!"

"Fuck!" came the instant reply. "They took out the bridge!"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. We'd just started across." She paused, thinking. "I can double back, try the viaduct."

"No! You need to get on the Normandy and get out of here, Shepard." The admiral sounded winded, but adamant.

"With all due respect, I don't take orders from you anymore, Anderson."

"Consider yourself reinstated, then. Now, get your ass on that ship, Commander. That's an order."

"Jeff?" That one word, softly spoken, conveyed a world of meaning.

In that moment, he both loved and hated her more than he ever had before. Loved her because he knew she was simply waiting for his request, willing to do whatever he asked, regardless of the consequences - and hated her for the same reason. If she would just make the decision, she could relieve him of the burden. If she refused to attempt a rescue, she would at least share in the blame for leaving his parents behind. If she sought them out, and died, well…he knew from experience who would shoulder that guilt and grief, alone. And if Commander Samantha Shepard was lost, there was a good chance that the rest of civilization would follow.

For maybe the first time, he truly understood what it was like to make a decision with lives hanging in the balance. Two lives versus billions. People he loved versus the nameless, faceless masses. And deep, in his darkest soul, the life of one he couldn't - _wouldn't_ - risk versus two that he knew he would, if absolutely necessary. Their conversation about Kaidan flitted quickly through his memory. No matter what he chose, he was going to have regrets. It was an untenable situation.

"Primary systems online and fully operational, Jeff," EDI intoned.

Trying to speak around the lump in his throat, he managed to say what he always said at the conclusion of a mission. "Bring it home, Shepard."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

She paused for only a moment. "On our way."

* * *

><p>Joker sat in the cockpit of the Normandy, nearly delirious with fatigue. He wasn't even sure how long he'd been awake, at this point - 32 hours? 36? He'd been on the Normandy for several hours before the Reapers' attack on Earth. Then they'd travelled to Mars, and on to the Citadel. They'd had only a skeleton crew onboard, and no other pilot. He could have let EDI take the helm, but even with the distraction of flying, he'd barely been able to take his mind off of the events preceding their escape. He hadn't been prepared to sit idle and allow them to overwhelm him. They'd been docked now for quite a while, but Shepard still hadn't returned from her meeting with the Council. He hadn't even seen her since they'd left Earth; didn't know if he wanted to see her. The guilt and pain he was feeling was all wrapped up in anger and blame, and it wasn't clear who, exactly, it was directed toward. Himself, mostly. The Reapers, assuredly. And yes, Shepard, no matter how undeservedly. But now, exhaustion was taking over, making him pleasantly numb.<p>

The door behind him swished open and booted feet dragged along the floor. He was conflicted about there being a door to the cockpit now. It was undoubtedly quieter, and more secluded. But after all these years, he'd been used to the sound of footsteps crossing the bridge alerting him to the imminent arrival of other crew members. He even knew some of them by their tread; Shepard, in particular. Now, by the time he heard the hiss of the entry, the intruder was on top of him. Of course, he knew who this particular visitor was going to be; but, in general, it was going to take some acclimation.

She slipped into the copilot chair, eyes straight ahead. She looked as weary as he felt. There was a gash on her left cheek with three or four neat, clear stitches lining it. She settled her arm on the rest, and exposed a similar injury on her elbow. It looked like Chakwas' work. Shepard must have sustained the cuts on Earth, before she'd donned her armor.

As if responding to his thoughts, she asked, "Did the doc make it onboard?"

"Yeah." His voice sounded gravelly, even to his own ears, so he cleared his throat. "She stopped by to nag me already."

The ghost of a smile flitted across her features and then disappeared just as swiftly.

"How did things go with the Council?" he inquired, unnecessarily.

"About like you'd expect."

"You mean that after all these years of ignoring your warnings, they're finally willing to step up and tell you to fuck off?"

"They did come up with some favors that I could do for them, though."

"Why does that not surprise me in the least?" He would have been angrier if he hadn't been so damn tired. He imagined that the same could be said for Shepard. "Well, let me know if you want me to get them on the channel and hang up on them. You know, for old time's sake."

Again, the quirk of the lips that came and went so quickly that he could have imagined it. "Thanks."

"How's Ash?"

Her shrug was a barely perceptible rise and fall of the shoulders. "Alive."

"Well, I guess that's something." Almost as an afterthought, he asked, "What happened down there, anyway?" The storm on Mars had cut off communication between the Normandy and the ground team at the end of the mission. He knew Ashley had been injured, but not how.

"Cerberus beat us to the archives. They had someone on the inside – or something, I should say. That synthetic we brought back with us. It tried to escape with the plans for the prothean device, and when James brought it down, it went after Ash." Her tone was flat in the retelling, although he knew she was concerned for her former teammate.

"Great. So, now we're going to be fighting this war on two fronts…the Reapers and Cerberus?"

"It would appear that way." She looked at him for the first time. "Have you heard anything?"

He knew exactly what she was asking. "No."

Her gaze lingered for a moment, and then shifted forward again. "That doesn't necessarily mean anything."

"I know."

They sat in silence for an indeterminate amount of time. Finally, Shepard appeared to gather her resolve and heaved herself out of the chair. "I've got to get some sleep. Are you coming?"

"I'll be up soon."

"Jeff…"

"I promise."

He thought she was going to argue, but she seemed unable to muster the energy. She merely brushed her palm against his cheek. "Okay. See you in a bit."

"Yeah," he said, swallowing hard, not looking at her as she left. Part of him wanted more than anything to crawl into bed next to her, to take comfort from her nearness. They hadn't slept in the same bed in over a month, and before all of this had happened, all he'd wanted was to hold her again. And now, he needed that more than ever. But another part of him demanded that he didn't deserve solace, not when he'd abandoned his parents to their fate. He wasn't worthy of her reassurances, assuming that she had any to offer. Granted, she was probably too worn out to do anything other than collapse when her head hit the pillow, but he couldn't take the chance. He'd give her a head start to ensure that she would be sleeping by the time he crept in.

And asleep she was, when he finally made his way up to her quarters. She'd removed her boots but still wore her filthy uniform. She was face down on the bed, on top of the sheets, her injured cheek facing up. Even in repose, her brow was furrowed and her fists were clenched. The sight melted his desire for self-flagellation. How could he deny himself consolation if it meant denying her the same? He removed his own boots and uniform, and slipped beneath the covers, trying to enfold her in their warmth, as well. She whimpered and stirred, and he quickly surrendered, not wanting to wake her. He took her outstretched hand in his and rested it on his chest, massaging it gently, trying to get the fingers to relax. He closed his eyes, thinking that even as tired as he was, sleep would elude him. He was unconscious within minutes.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_As Type-Oh undoubtedly knows...and maybe some of the rest of you, too...there is no bridge across Puget Sound from downtown to West Seattle, where Alki Beach is. Even if there was, it would be miles long. Going around, on foot, is even less feasible. So I took some literary licenses there. Forgive me._


	22. Out on the Front Lines

_"Out on the front line_

_Don't worry I'll be fine_

_The story is just beginning_

_I say goodbye to my weakness_

_So long to the regrets_

_And now I know that I'm alive"_

**Diamond Eyes – Shinedown**

* * *

><p>The sound of the door buzzer jolted him awake. He blinked blearily, eyes burning, as Shepard moved to the entry.<p>

"Shh," she greeted the visitor. "Let's talk over here."

She led her guest into the foyer between the elevator and her quarters, but he could hear their muffled murmuring. He tried to clear the cobwebs from his head. The scent of soap rode a cloud of humid air from the bathroom. Shepard had been up long enough to shower, at the very least. He squinted at the bedside clock – only six hours had passed since he'd come to bed. If she'd slept, it hadn't been long. He certainly hadn't gotten nearly enough rest. He let his head fall back on the pillow.

He thought he recognized Liara's voice, and the words "weapon" and "turian." He was glad he couldn't hear more. He wasn't prepared to be even incidentally involved a strategic planning session.

As he tried to sharpen his vision, his sight fell on the display of model ships over Shepard's desk. He'd made sure that they'd been safely packed away during the renovation and then meticulously replaced where they belonged once it had been done. Joker knew that Shepard liked the models, but they were there mostly for his benefit - to make him feel like the space belonged to him, as well. She collected them from all over the galaxy, and presented each one to him with a giddy quiver of anticipation. He found the whole endeavor ridiculously endearing…she had the boundless enthusiasm of an adult who'd never had the experience of giving or receiving gifts as a child. It also made her quite possibly the only woman in the galaxy for whom it was fun to buy presents, because she was always inordinately grateful for even the simplest trifle.

The conversation in the hallway ended and he heard Shepard's footfalls headed his way before the elevator dinged. "Commander!" a female voice called before Shepard could shush the newcomer.

He focused on the interloper as Shepard spun around. He saw her posture stiffen when she didn't recognize the caller. But then the visitor's gaze fell on Joker, and her eyes opened wide as her jaw dropped.

"Oh, dear!" she said, immediately averting her eyes as if she'd been caught spying. "Sorry!" she squeaked.

Shepard glanced from the woman to Joker, inquiringly.

"It's okay, Traynor," he reassured her.

She cast her gaze toward the bed and then quickly away again. "I didn't know that you knew the commander, Joker," she managed.

Sensing her discomfort, Shepard turned his way. "Joker? I thought you said your name was Mark."

"Oh, dear!" Traynor peeped again.

"Shepard," he said warningly, but he couldn't prevent the grin from stealing across his face.

Finally catching on, Traynor glanced up and spotted the sly smile on Shepard's face.

"Sorry, kid. We don't get that many new people around here. I couldn't resist," Shepard explained.

"Oh," Traynor said faintly. "I see. A joke at my expense. Good one, Commander," she supplied weakly.

"This is Specialist Traynor," Joker told Shepard. "She's part of the retrofit team."

"Good to have you aboard, Specialist."

"Thank you, ma'am. It's an honor to be here. I don't know how much use I'll be. I'm used to working in a lab."

"I'm sure you'll do just fine," Shepard assured her.

"Yes, ma'am. Thank you. I wanted to give you a run down on the newest upgrades, but I'm sure Joker can fill you in." She shot an uncertain look his way, clearly uncomfortable and looking for a quick escape.

"That'll be fine," Shepard responded kindly, perhaps feeling guilty for her teasing. "Why don't I catch up with you later and we can talk some more, okay?"

"Yes, ma'am." Traynor snapped off an awkward salute and scurried from the room without a backward glance. The elevator dinged again, signaling her departure.

"You're awful," he informed Shepard.

"I know. But it's fun." She studied him, curiously. "Part of the retrofit team, huh? Funny how you never mentioned the lovely Specialist Traynor."

Was she actually jealous? But no, the look in her eye was still teasing. "Hmm. Guess I never noticed."

"Right," she scoffed. "Because you're capable of overlooking a beautiful woman that you encounter on a daily basis." But suddenly, her playfulness evaporated and she turned serious. "How are you doing?"

"Fine. Tired." He quickly changed the subject. "Listen, about those upgrades…"

"Yeah?" She sat on the end of the bed, posture slumped, no longer keeping up appearances for the crew. He supposed he should view it as a victory. It had taken a long time before she'd been willing to show weakness, even in front of him. But he sometimes missed the facade of the indefatigable leader, even if he knew it was an illusion.

"After Bahak, I had the Alliance upgrade your N7 armor. It has an integrated biometric system now that monitors your heart rate and blood pressure and whatever else. At least this way, if we lose contact, I'll know that you're still alive."

"Good thinking."

"As for the Normandy, Traynor and EDI can fill you in better than I can. You've already seen the new armory. We have a new comm system, and a new paint job." He shrugged. "Nothing major."

"Okay."

"Oh! I almost forgot. Look in your closet."

She gave him a cautious look. "They upgraded my closet?"

"Just look!"

She crossed to the closet and slid the door open. She pulled out the N7 hoodie, the only item hanging in there, and slipped it on over her uniform. She zipped it with a grin, standing a little straighter now.

"Just a little welcome home present."

"Thanks. I love it."

"You're welcome."

EDI interrupted. "Admiral Hackett is on vid com for you, Commander."

"Thank you, EDI. I'll be right there."

Joker moved to get up, but Shepard said, "Why don't you try to get some more sleep? I'll lock up behind myself."

He hesitated. "Don't I need to prep for departure?"

"Not yet. I'm going to talk to Hackett about getting some backup for you. Maybe there's someone here on the Citadel we can recruit. If not, I'll talk to Cortez. He's not certified to fly a vessel of this size, but he has good instincts, and he'll do in a pinch. You can't fly around the clock. It's too dangerous. You need to rest."

"So do you. What time were you up this morning?"

She shrugged. "I couldn't sleep. I'll be okay. I'm not piloting a frigate through open space."

"No, you're only running around with people shooting at you."

"Exactly."

"Shepard."

She leaned in. "Get more sleep. That's an order." Her kiss belied the harshness of her words. "I need to go…can't keep the Admiral waiting."

"Mmm."

"Thanks again for the hoodie." She ran her hands along the arms as if it were made of cashmere rather than a synthetic blend.

"You're welcome. I'm glad you like it."

She graced him with another peck, and then took her leave. The door glowed red behind her. He burrowed under the blanket and despite his protestations, sleep quickly overtook him once more.

* * *

><p>He was rested, and fed, and feeling almost human when she appeared in the cockpit hours later. He doubted Shepard could say the same.<p>

"Did you eat?" he asked.

She looked startled, like the concept of food was foreign. "No. I forgot."

"How does one forget to eat?"

"Easy. As soon as I finish doing one thing, someone else demands my immediate attention. Listen, I talked to Hackett. The Alliance doesn't have any available pilots on the Citadel right now, but he's going to work on getting someone for us. For now, we'll have to muddle through. Cortez is nervous, but I assured him that with EDI's assistance, he'll be fine. As long as no one else finds out," she concluded wryly. Having an uncertified pilot fly an Alliance vessel was wildly against regs.

"I don't know, Shep." He didn't like the idea of handing over the Normandy to just anybody.

"For now it'll just be for simple jumps – no relays, no combat. Stuff EDI could handle, really, but I want a set of eyes here. Human eyes. Just in case. And I need you sharp for the good stuff."

"Okay," he agreed reluctantly. He didn't like it, but she was the boss.

"We need to head to Menae, one of Palaven's moons. We're picking up Primarch Fedorian and bringing him to a war summit."

"Sounds fun. I'll head out right away…on one condition."

"What's that?" She looked genuinely curious.

"Your next stop is the mess hall for some chow."

She grinned. "Yes, mom." She gave him a quick kiss – something she never used to do while they were on duty, so perhaps that was a check in the plus column for the new door – and gave his hat a playful tap. "I promise. Did you eat?"

"Yep."

"Was it good?" she asked, skeptically.

"Nope."

"That's what I figured. Oh, well, I guess we were getting spoiled with all that edible food, anyway." This was an indirect reminder of Earth, which, along with its cuisine, was teetering on the brink of destruction, and all the light-heartedness went out of the moment.

"Yeah," he said, softly.

She brushed a cool, comforting hand against the back of his neck. "Let me know when we're close, okay?"

"Aye, aye."

The door swished open, and she was gone.

* * *

><p>They emerged from the Trebia relay into a war zone. Stealth systems engaged, he maneuvered his way through the battle. A turian battleship sustained an indirect hit from a Reaper and went spiraling by, out of control and too close for comfort. Palaven was burning – it was obvious, even from this distance. It reminded him too much of Earth. He pushed the images out of his mind and concentrated on getting them to Menae.<p>

Cortez flew Shepard, Liara and James to the surface in the shuttle.

"Do you read me?" he inquired, testing the comm.

"Loud and clear," Shepard replied.

"Are you getting the biometric readings?" he asked EDI.

"Yes, Jeff. Shepard's suit is operating optimally."

_Relax, _he told himself. _It's just another mission._ But he was amped up and jittery.

The ground team made it to the turian outpost, just to find that the Primarch had been killed. Shepard was demanding that they find her someone, anyone, for the summit when he heard a voice say, "I'm on it, Shepard. We'll find you the primarch."

"Garrus!" Even over the comm, the relief and pleasure was clear in that one word.

And that's when all hell broke loose on the Normandy.

* * *

><p>"Uh, Shepard?" He interrupted the conversation on the ground. "We have a bit of a situation here."<p>

"Can it wait?" came the impatient response. "We're kind of in the middle of a war zone here."

His fingers danced over the flashing lights as he tried to speak over the warning bleats echoing around the cockpit. "The Normandy's gone haywire. She's shutting down systems; powering up weapons. I can't locate the source."

"EDI?"

"She's offline."

"Offline? What the…?"

"Should I go back and take a look?" he heard Liara ask.

"Do it." To him, she said, "Liara's on her way. Keep me updated."

"Roger." He disconnected, and then reached out to Traynor. "Any luck on your end?"

"Negative. We've lost 23 percent of non-essential systems." The lights flickered and died, and then the emergency lighting kicked on. "28 percent," she amended.

"What the crap? EDI? EDI!" But the AI was nonresponsive, her globe dark.

A comm link from engineering opened and Liara said, "Joker! I'm here with Adams. What have you found out?"

"Not a damn thing!" he growled in frustration. "We're losing systems, EDI is offline, and nothing I've tried is helping!"

"Okay. We're going to focus on maintaining the stealth systems, drive core and life support." These were the essentials – the systems keeping them hidden, flying and alive. "See if you and Traynor can keep the comm systems up. We don't want to lose contact with the ground team."

"Roger." Speaking of the ground team, he focused on the incoming feed in time to hear a new outbreak of gunfire.

"Move into the compound!" Shepard ordered. "Garrus…"

"Got it!" the turian responded, close enough to Shepard that her mic picked it up. By her side, as always. The familiar pang of envy and relief rolled over him, but he quickly shrugged it off.

The battle was short-lived, and as he continued to try to identify the root of the Normandy's malfunctions, he heard Shepard convincing the new primarch to accompany her to the summit.

"We're on our way, Joker. Any improvement there?"

"Negative."

The shuttle docked, and then Shepard's voice came over the comm again. "Why is it dark in here?"

"Electrical systems offline." Suddenly, more alarms – from the AI core this time. "Crap!"

"What?" she asked.

"Adams! Liara! There's a fire in the AI core!"

"On our way!" Liara responded.

"Shepard…"

"I heard. I'm on it."

His heart pounding, he waited for news. Fires on ships were bad. And after the events on the SR1, they induced a nearly phobic panic in him. He couldn't help but remember the sensation of the blistering heat on his skin, soliciting beads of sweat that were whisked away into the vacuum of space. The ship shifting underneath his feet as the explosions rocked the hull. Shepard falling back and away from the escape pod…

Suddenly, the cockpit was awash in light as the power was restored. The alarms abruptly ceased.

"Traynor?"

"I have access to all systems across the board. I'll run a diagnostic and start a hard reboot."

"Great." He switched the comm. "Shepard?"

"Yeah?"

"What the hell happened?"

"Um…you're going to have to see it to believe it." Was he imagining things, or did she sound amused?

"What?"

"Just sit tight."

"Okay." He sighed and sat back, letting some of the adrenaline dissipate. He took a deep breath, and then another. The cockpit door swished open.

"Hello, Jeff."

"EDI!" He glanced toward her orb, but it was still dark. Confusion coursed through him. "What happened? Where are you?"

"I am here, Jeff," she stated, stepping from behind his chair and nearly giving him a heart attack. For a long moment, he could only gape.

"But…but…that's the mech from Mars, isn't it?" he finally managed.

"Yes," she replied, sliding into the copilot's seat. He couldn't tear his gaze from her sleek, synthetic shape. The door swished open once more, and Shepard appeared.

"Did you know about this?" she asked him accusingly, without preamble.

"What? No! No," he repeated, his eyes drifting back to EDI. "If I had known that EDI was going to hijack a sexy, robot body, do you think I could have kept quiet about it?" He glanced back at Shepard in time to see her roll her eyes in exasperation.

"You've got a little bit of drool there," Shepard said, chucking him under the chin, causing his mouth to finally snap shut. "I've already reamed her out. I've got my eye on both of you. And it would be great if you could keep _your_ eyes out there," she said, pointing through the windshield, "before we fly into something large and unmovable."

He swiveled to the front as her boots stomped away. Once the door shut behind her, his eyes slid to EDI again.

"I think we're in trouble."

"Shepard's tone does indicate displeasure," she agreed.

"But it's totally worth it to finally be the one with the smokin' hot sidekick," he said, attempting to keep the glee out of his voice.

He must have failed, because EDI replied, haughtily, "Again, I am right here, Jeff."

"Yes, you are, EDI," he stated, turning back to the controls with a smirk. "Yes, you are."

* * *

><p>He came across Shepard later, down on the crew deck, when he went to get some coffee. She and Garrus were deep in conversation at the table outside the mess. He got his coffee and joined them. EDI was managing the helm for now.<p>

"So, how did it go with the primarch?" he inquired.

"The usual. He'll help Earth if I can get the krogan to assist Palaven."

"So, you've added the krogan to your conference?" he inquired as he sipped the bitter brew.

"Looks that way."

"I know you think the primarch is being selfish, but he has a responsibility to his people, just like you do," Garrus stated, defensively. Shepard merely shrugged.

"Yeah, I don't foresee any problems with this arrangement," Joker deadpanned.

Shepard snorted. "You'd better hope not, because we're holding this little powwow on the Normandy."

Joker choked on his coffee. "What? Why?" he sputtered.

She shrugged again. "It's the closest thing to neutral ground that we've got. We'll be meeting Wrex and the salarian dalatrass tomorrow."

"Great," Joker said, morosely. "I declare the cockpit a head butt-free zone."

"Duly noted," she said, rising. "Set a course for the Annos Basin. Once we make the jump, call Cortez to spell you. Going to be another fun day tomorrow."

"Got it," he replied, standing as well. He crushed his cup and tossed it toward the bin, where it hit the rim and rebounded, coming to rest two feet from his target. Shepard cocked an eyebrow, smirking.

Yep, it was going to be another fun day.


	23. You're the One

"_You're the one_

_I need you more than ever_

_It's taken too long, taken too long to say_

_Our lives began _

_The night we spent together_

_Now I cannot live, I'd die any other way"_

**You're the One - Hoobastank**

* * *

><p>The next day, a scowling Shepard appeared in the cockpit.<p>

"How'd it go?" he asked, brightly. Her scowl deepened.

"The krogan won't help the turians before they get a cure for the genophage."

"Oh, is that all?"

"We need to go to Sur'Kesh and rescue the female krogans who survived Maelon's research project."

"Sure. Why not?"

"Shepard, do you have a moment?" EDI asked.

"Not now, EDI." Shepard stomped out.

Joker glanced EDI's way. He wondered if it was possible for a robot to look crestfallen.

* * *

><p>Following Sur'Kesh, and another meeting in the war room, the door to the bridge swished open once more. A rhythmic thudding came from behind him. He spun around to see Shepard banging her head against the hull.<p>

"Aww, what's wrong, Shep? Things not going well?"

She stopped, glowering in his direction. "Don't think I won't shoot you, because I will."

"Hey, don't take your frustrations out on me. I'm not the one not playing nicely with others, for a change."

"No, but you're enjoying it a bit too much."

"I can't help it. It makes me feel good when my cynical expectations are once again fulfilled."

"Well, I'm glad at least one of us is happy." She threw a cranky look toward the copilot's seat where she used to slouch during these visits before EDI took up permanent residence. "What good is a body if you never use it to go anywhere?" he thought he heard her mutter under her breath.

He raised an eyebrow in her direction. She leaned defiantly against the hull, hip cocked jauntily.

"Victus wants us to look for a downed turian ship. Wrex wants us to look for a missing krogan platoon. But it's going to take Mordin some time to work out the genophage cure, and I'm not currently in the mood to do anyone any more favors. Traynor picked up a distress call from Grissom Academy, and she thinks Cerberus may have intercepted it, as well. I want to check it out."

"You're the boss."

She snorted. "I'm glad someone still thinks so."

* * *

><p>They emerged into the Vetus System of the Petra Nebula with stealth systems engaged. At least a dozen Cerberus fighters were instantly visible, surrounding the academy.<p>

"Too many to engage or sneak past," he informed Shepard, who was once again suited up and standing in the cockpit.

She thought for a moment. "Can you give me a diversion?"

He grinned. "Hell yeah."

"Okay. Draw them away and we'll take the shuttle in." She rested a gloved hand on his shoulder. "Be careful."

Once Shepard, Garrus and Liara were away, he disengaged the stealth system and moved closer to the Cerberus ships.

"Come and get me, you bastards!" he crowed as he buzzed their formation. They immediately fell in behind him. He toyed with them briefly before engaging the hyper drive and leaving them in his figurative dust.

Once he'd lost visuals on them, he radioed Shepard. "I ditched them, so they'll likely be headed back your way."

"Roger. Ground team's inside. Cortez, head back to the Normandy before our Cerberus friends return. We'll find another way out of here."

"Aye, aye, Commander," Joker heard the shuttle pilot respond. He gave him the coordinates for the rendezvous.

Once Cortez was docked, and the Normandy was once again cloaked and orbiting a safe distance from the academy, Joker turned his attention to the ground team's progress. They seemed to be searching for some missing students and encountering only light Cerberus resistance thus far.

He heard a door swish open, and then Shepard said, "Jack?"

A female voice said, "Shepard?"

"Jack?" he inquired, incredulously. "Our Jack?"

Before she could respond, he heard an explosion of gunfire. Once the last shot finally rang out, he heard the unmistakable rasp of Jack's sarcastic voice.

"Kahlee said she was sending out an SOS. I had no idea the Queen of the Girl Scouts would show up." He was still trying to puzzle out what the hell Jack was doing at a school for biotic kids when he heard the unmistakable sound of a fist meeting flesh and a grunt from Shepard. "Damn it, how many times did I tell you not to trust Cerberus?" Jack demanded.

"As charming as ever," Joker heard Garrus observe wryly.

"Good to see you again, Garrus. Face still looks like shit. Look, all I care about right now is getting my guys out of here."

"_Your_ guys?" Shepard inquired, the surprise evident in her voice.

Jack chuckled. "Yeah, I guess so."

He listened, amazed, as Jack explained that the Alliance had placed her as an instructor at the school. Jack, the psychotic biotic, a teacher? He couldn't imagine it. But it was obvious from the pride and concern in her voice that she took her new role seriously.

Shepard, Jack and the rest of the team herded the students safely through the school to the docking bay.

"We're coming out on a Cerberus shuttle, Joker. Watch your fire," Shepard instructed.

"Roger. I've got you on sensors."

Now that the team was on their way home, Joker turned his full attention back to the Normandy, tuning out the conversation on the shuttle. Jack was back…Shepard's pet project with the permanent glower and hostile attitude.

"What's so funny, Jeff?" EDI queried, startling him and making him aware of the fact that he was chuckling and shaking his head.

"Oh, nothing, EDI. Just thinking about what a small galaxy it is, after all."

* * *

><p>Late that night, Joker was in the ship's gym. Having adapted to the amount of physical activity it had been getting in Seattle, his body was protesting the long hours of sitting in the cockpit. Every muscle in his body was coiled tightly, and he ached all over. Tight muscles pulled bones out of alignment, which made them even more susceptible to breaks. A whirlpool would have been nice, to warm the muscles before stretching them, but the Alliance didn't spring for such luxuries. He was going to have to make do with a hot shower after his workout.<p>

He'd been there for about ten minutes when Shepard found him. She was in cargoes and the hoodie he'd given her, obviously not dressed for a workout.

"There you are," she said. "I was looking for you."

"Here I am."

She watched him for a moment as he stretched. "Sore?"

"Yeah."

"Want some help?"

"Sure."

He could stretch on his own, of course, but having a partner allowed him to dig a little deeper; hold the stretch a little longer. He'd shown Shepard how to assist him by basically assuming the role of physical therapist, and she'd picked it up quickly. She lent her strength to his and had an intuitive feel for how far he could push.

They worked in companionable silence for a while. He was laid out on a mat doing a hamstring stretch before he finally took a good look at her face. For the first time in days, there wasn't a frown there.

"You look happy," he observed.

She took a moment to respond, leaning more of her weight into his leg to deepen the stretch. "Well, we managed to get the kids out of there today without anyone getting killed, so that feels like a success. And it's good to see Jack again. You should see her with those kids. She really cares about them."

"Hard to imagine."

"I know. She looks good…really good."

"Who looks really good?" came the unmistakable snarl as the door slid open.

"Speak of the devil," Joker muttered under his breath.

"Aw, geez, are you two still at it? Can't you do that in private?"

"We're just stretching, Jack. You're the one with the dirty mind," Shepard retorted, amused.

"Haven't you come to your senses yet, Shepard? You could do so much better than this guy. Like that hunk playing with the guns down in the armory."

"Nice uniform, Jack. Now I know why you're so popular with your students."

"Fuck you, Joker."

"All right, you two," Shepard admonished, extending a hand to help Joker up off the floor. "Was there something you needed, Jack?"

The biotic turned her glare from Joker to Shepard. "Yeah. I just wanted to say thanks for recommending that the kids stay in a supporting role. I don't think they're ready for the front lines yet."

"You're welcome. I trust your judgment."

The remark seemed to embarrass Jack. When she continued, her tone was less harsh. "And thanks for keeping my little hidey-hole vacant. I know it's weird, but I kind of think of that as home, ya know?"

Shepard laughed. "Well, I can't really take credit for that. No one else wanted it. But it's all yours now."

Jack gave a crooked grin. "Hey, how come you didn't warn me that the salarian was on board? I went to get some medi-gel for Rodriguez, and the nutty professor talked until I thought my ears were gonna bleed."

"He musta missed you and your cheery disposition," Joker supplied.

"Yeah, it's a regular intergalactic reject reunion around here," Jack said, giving Joker a playful punch that was still hard enough to hurt. He didn't give her the satisfaction of a flinch. "All right, I'm outta here. You two carry on."

Just before she walked through the door, Joker called, "Hey, Jack?"

She turned, looking wary. "Yeah?"

"I'm glad you're still alive. And you do look good...I like the hair."

She smiled. "Thanks. So do you, Flight Lieutenant." She snapped off a sarcastic salute before she spun on her heel and disappeared.

"What?" he grumbled upon noticing Shepard's indulgent grin.

"That was nice of you."

"Yeah, well, war brings out the best in people, or so they say."

"Who says that?"

"I dunno…people."

"I don't think anyone says that."

"Can we just let it go, please?"

He was sitting, straddling a weight bench, and she settled behind him. Strong fingers dug into a knot of muscle at the base of his neck, and he groaned with almost orgasmic delight. He let his head fall forward to allow her access to wherever she wanted to knead, and closed his eyes.

She continued to work, using her fingers and palms to firmly but gently massage, never pinching or using too much force like so many amateur masseuses did. This he hadn't taught her…he thought that it was likely natural talent combined with some guidance from Chakwas. He'd had a lot of professional massages in his lifetime, and Shepard's were up there with the best of them.

Lost in the bliss of relaxing muscles, it was a while before he realized that Shepard was being remarkably silent. He cracked an eyelid and peered over his shoulder. Her gaze had been focused on her task, but she lifted her eyes to meet his when he turned.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey."

"You okay?"

"Yeah. I was just thinking how long it's been since I could touch you without worrying about being interrupted. It's nice."

He lifted his legs over the bench and spun to face her. He cupped her injured cheek in one hand, running his thumb along the stitches. "It's better than nice. Does this hurt?"

She smiled. "Not when you do that."

She slid forward between his legs and wrapped hers around his waist, resting them on the bench behind him. His hand slipped to the back of her neck and he leaned forward until their lips met. They merely kissed for several long moments...softly, sweetly...not trying to incite lust, but to just enjoy the act for what it was; for what they'd been missing.

Finally, with a sigh, Shepard broke the clinch and wrapped her arms around his neck, tucking her head under his chin as she nestled closer. "I've missed you," she whispered.

He held her tightly, stroking her hair, inhaling her scent. He kissed her temple, then her neck, finally murmuring in her ear, "I've missed you, too, Shep. You have no idea how much."

She leaned back in his embrace and smiled at him. "Would you like to show me?"

"More than anything," he replied sincerely, drawing her close for another long kiss.

* * *

><p>They eventually managed to disentangle themselves and make their way to Shepard's quarters. She turned on the shower and they stood in the steamy bathroom, slowly undressing each other. Her hands caressed him as she lifted his t-shirt over his head and slipped the gym shorts and boxers over his hips. He unzipped the hoodie and tossed it aside, along with her uniform shirt and cargo pants. He allowed her to keep the black satin bra and bikinis briefly, as she looked almost as sexy in them as she did out of them. He trailed wet kisses along the line where silky material met flesh, while his hands worked the clasps in the back. Soon, even the enticing lingerie had been shed, and they stood under the spray, engulfed in the humid vapors.<p>

He washed her hair, massaging her scalp as he worked up a lather, then watched the suds skim down her body as she rinsed them away. She scrubbed his body clean, pouring body wash into her hands and running them over his chest, across his shoulders, and down his stomach. She poured more of the soap into her palm and knelt, working her way up his calves and thighs. He reciprocated by turning her around and scrubbing her back, then pulling her closer and running his palms over the flat expanse of her stomach and across the top of her thighs. He sucked beads of water from her neck as his hands explored, discovering a different source of heat and moisture between her legs. He considered taking her right there, but showers were slippery, and it had been so long. He wanted to at least be able to see her face when he was finally inside of her.

Perhaps reading his mind, Shepard guided them both under the water for a quick rinse and then goaded him out of the shower. They both grabbed towels, engulfing the other in soft warmth. They whisked the water away as they kissed more and more feverishly, until the towels fell to the bathroom floor, abandoned. They stumbled blindly for the couch, still damp, Shepard's hair dripping onto his arms where they were locked around her waist. They reached the sofa and he collapsed onto it, with Shepard quickly climbing into his lap. She reached into the drawer in the table next to the couch and removed a condom. He had a moment to wonder when she had stashed it there and then she was unrolling it, sheathing him in latex. She guided him into her body until just his tip was surrounded, and then stopped. He met her eyes, and by unspoken agreement, they intertwined their fingers, clasping their hands together against the back of the couch. Never breaking eye contact, she slowly, deliberately moved her hips until he was fully buried within her. She rocked gently, front to back, swiveling her pelvis, allowing him to feel all of her. Leveraging her weight against their joined hands, she leaned back slightly, changing the angle of their joining. The world receded until there was nothing but Shepard – her gaze, her grasp, her softness, her heat.

She gradually increased the pace, their breath coming in syncopated gasps now as they moved together. He lifted his hips to meet hers, feeling unable to bury himself deep enough inside of her. She was panting and whimpering, clutching his hands tightly as she got closer to orgasm. He was fighting the urge to close his eyes and surrender to the sensations, but her gaze held him captive. In that moment, it felt like more than just their bodies were joined together. But on the last few strokes, Shepard broke eye contact, leaning forward to press her forehead to his.

"Oh, god, Jeff. Oh, my god!" She shuddered as she climaxed, clenching her fingers around his, and he closed his own eyes, shutting out the visual to focus on the tactile. A few more determined thrusts, and he followed her over the edge. She rocked gently, drawing out their mutual pleasure, until she came to rest with him still inside of her. Her lips sought his, brushing them gently. And for the first time in days, weeks, months, everything was right with Joker's world.

* * *

><p>Afterwards, she reclined sideways against the arm of the couch, her legs tented over his. He'd pulled a blanket over their naked bodies when they'd both started shivering from the cold. She held one of his hands in hers, tracing lazy circles in his palm. They were both sated and content, in a post-coital haze.<p>

"You know," she started, conversationally, "I never had the normal teenage experience of spending hours on the phone with my girlfriends, squealing over some cute guy and parsing every word he said to me for some deeper meaning. And even if there'd been friends, or cute guys, I don't know that I would have been the squealing type. But if I had been, then you would have been the guy I would have squealed over."

This remark was so unexpected and so unlike her, Joker wasn't sure what to make of it, and the combination of his puzzled grin and furrowed brow displayed his confusion. "Somehow, I doubt that. I've never been the guy who made girls squeal."

Shepard tsked. "I don't believe that for a minute. With those gorgeous green eyes, sexy smile and sarcastic sense of humor, I bet there were plenty of girls who noticed you and hoped you would glance their way. And you never did." She shook her head in mock sadness for all the alleged brokenhearted girls.

Playing along, he said, "Well, I would have noticed you."

She cocked an eyebrow. "Oh, really?"

"Of course. The beautiful girl with the jet black hair, emerald eyes and tough attitude who could cut you to the quick with her tongue as easily as with her fists. I would've never had the courage to speak to you, though."

"But imaginary Shepard wouldn't have been that girl. She would have been a sweet, shy girl who squealed over cute boys," she teased.

"No, she wouldn't have been. In every incarnation, in every universe, you are my Shepard…hero to many, savior to one." He raised their joined hands to his lips and kissed the back of hers.

"Savior?" she scoffed. "I never thought of you as someone who needed saving."

"Shepard," he shook his head.

"What? What exactly did I save you from?"

"Myself, mostly…from feeling like I would never have a place that I belonged; from feeling like I would never be good enough; from letting fear keep me from ever letting anyone get too close to me."

She shrugged. "You would have figured it out for yourself, eventually."

"Maybe. Maybe not." He paused, considering how to phrase what he wanted to say next. "I don't intend this as a criticism," he said gently, "and I'm certainly not complaining, but I'm just wondering what's brought on this sudden display of sentimentality?"

"I guess it's just occurred to me lately that the time for being afraid to express my feelings has long past, and the time to make sure that the people who are important to me understand how much I care about them is now," she explained, haltingly. "I'm not always so good with words."

"They know," he assured her.

"How can they, when I'm so terrible at telling them?" she inquired a bit desperately.

"They know," he repeated, "because you're always the first one they turn to when they need help, and you're always there. Because you listen, and comfort, and offer support without ever thinking about yourself. Your actions say what you can't."

"I need to know that you know how much I love you. The way I feel about you…it's more than I can explain in words, more than I can show through gestures. It never seems like enough to express…" she trailed off, helplessly.

"I know."

"But…"

He pressed his lips to hers, softly. When they parted, he said again, "I know."

She gave a shaky sigh. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

After a pause, he said, "So, you would have talked to your friends about me, huh?"

She sniffled and grinned. "Absolutely. There would have been much parsing, and squealing."

"Good to know." She snuggled closer and he pulled the blanket around them more tightly. "Good to know."


	24. Give Me A Sign

_"I can feel you falling away_

_No longer the lost_

_No longer the same_

_And I can see you starting to break_

_I'll keep you alive_

_If you show me the way_

_Forever, and ever, the scars will remain"_

**Give Me A Sign – Breaking Benjamin**

* * *

><p>Joker, Shepard and EDI stood just inside the docking bay of the Citadel. Jack and her students stood a short distance away, waiting for Shepard to join them. The rest of the crew had dispersed quickly once they'd arrived.<p>

"So, what on your to-do list for today?"

"Well, I need to make sure that arrangements have been made for Jack and the kids. I need to visit Ash and Thane in the hospital. I need to try to find Miranda, and that Spectre who contacted me. I need to go to Purgatory and speak to Aria…"

"Okay, okay, I get it." He pulled her to him and brushed his lips quickly across her brow. They tried to keep the public displays to a minimum, but the circles under her eyes were becoming so pronounced that they almost qualified as bruises, and she sounded overwhelmed by the sheer multitude of tasks before she even began. Not that he could blame her.

"I'll take EDI to the Presidium. Let her scope things out. Find us when you're done, and I'll buy you lunch…or dinner," he added with a wry smile. "Remember, this is supposed to be _down_ time."

"No such thing when you're in charge," she confided before shucking his embrace. "I'll catch up with you as soon as I can." He watched her stride away, gait steady and shoulders square, despite her exhaustion. No one but those closest to her would be able to see the toll this mission was taking on her.

But for those who could see, it was worrisome, indeed.

* * *

><p>He wasn't sure how many hours had passed before Shepard materialized on the bench next to him.<p>

Earlier, after spending some time observing the creatures wandering the Commons, EDI had peppered him with questions.

"I have some inquiries regarding the human mating paradigm," she'd informed him.

"Okay," he'd replied, warily.

"How does one generally display romantic interest in someone else?"

"Uh, well…that depends."

"On what?"

"On the type of relationship that they currently have."

"What about your relationship with Shepard?"

"What about it?"

"Who initiated your romance?"

He thought about the kiss on the Citadel. "Um, she did, I guess."

"And how did she do that?"

"She kissed me."

"And had you not had romantic feelings for her prior to that?"

"No, I had, but…"

"But you hadn't done anything about your feelings?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because she was my commanding officer, and I wasn't sure if she felt the same way about me."

"So, you were afraid of being rejected?"

"I suppose."

"But wasn't Shepard afraid of being rejected when she kissed you?"

"Maybe. But the kiss was casual."

"So, her overture was open to interpretation, leaving both of you an escape if the interest was not mutual?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess."

"So, how did you reciprocate her advances?"

"Um, well…I didn't, exactly."

"Why not?"

_Because I'm a really, really big coward. _"Her initial 'advance' took me by surprise, and by the time I figured out how I wanted to respond, it was too late."

"So, there's a time limit for responding to a display of interest?"

"Not necessarily, but in this case, yes."

"And why was that?"

"Because Shepard was dead."

"Ah. So, how did you come to realize your current relationship status?"

"Once Shepard was, uh, revived, she kissed me again." Man, this story cast him in an embarrassing light. He was almost glad that EDI was grilling him so he'd know never to recount the tale to anyone else, ever.

"So, she made another proposition, although you had, for all intents and purposes, ignored her first?"

"Yeah."

"Interesting."

"If you say so. Why the sudden fascination with human mating rituals?"

"I am curious about many aspects of human behavior, Jeff."

"Uh huh. Well, maybe I'm not the best person to ask about this stuff."

"Why is that? You are human, aren't you?"

"Barely," he muttered under his breath as another human couple meandered by, hand-in-hand, and EDI wandered after them like some kind of synthetic voyeur.

Since then, he'd been sitting here, babysitting the unshackled AI, but also watching these ridiculously ignorant people living their oblivious little lives until the rage rose like bile in his throat. Earth was under attack. People were _dying_. But you would have never known it from where he was sitting.

So now, without even glancing up at Shepard's arrival, he launched into his tirade.

"Hey, Shepard, feel like catching the number one movie at the box office this week? Or maybe a demonstration on how to make sure your magnolias bloom this spring? Because god knows, there's nothing more important going on in the universe right now. Nothing that any of these people here need to concern themselves with…"

"Jeff," she said, quietly.

"Goddammit, we shouldn't have left them!" Fury caused his voice to quaver. "We're out here playing games with the Council, and the turians, and the krogan, and none of them give a damn about Earth! We should be there, fighting, protecting our own!"

When he finally looked to the woman next to him, the expression on her face temporarily stole his voice away. She was studying him, tears welling in her eyes, and regret caused the anger to deflate like a punctured balloon.

"Hey, Shepard…no, don't do that. I was just ranting, you know, like I do."

"I haven't forgotten about them. We're going back, as soon as we can."

Suddenly, he was fighting back tears of his own, and he struggled to speak around the lump in his throat. "I know."

"With or without help, we're going to find a way."

Despite being tired, rejected, abused, and ignored, the fire of determination still burned in her eyes. He knew that whatever happened, Shepard would go down swinging. And he would be by her side, as always.

"Yeah, we'll find a way," he echoed. But for the first time since he'd made Shepard's acquaintance, he wasn't sure that he believed it. Collecting himself, he said, "Do you want to get something to eat?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Shepard…"

"Jeff," she said, quietly but firmly, "do you know how I spent my day? I got Jack and the students their assignments from the Alliance. Kasumi and I helped a salarian Spectre track down an indoctrinated hanar."

"You saw Kasumi?"

"I met with Miranda, who is worried because her sister Oriana is missing and she thinks her father is behind her disappearance. I talked to Aria, who wants me to add a bunch of corrupt mercenaries to my army, and I'm so desperate that I'm considering it. I had a reporter ask to be imbedded on the Normandy, and I rejected her in no uncertain terms, further cementing my antagonistic relationship with the press. I got Donnelly and Daniels out of the pokey, I advised Ashley on becoming a Spectre, I visited with Thane, who is dying…and oh, yeah, I introduced Liara to her father."

"Wow. That's a lot of stuff."

"Yes. It is. So, can we please just sit here on this bench, and look out over the beautiful vista, and be like the rest of these people who are pretending that the Reapers aren't knocking on their door, just for a few minutes? And then, I swear, I will allow you to take me to a place of your choosing and force nutrition into me."

"Sure." They sat quietly for a while, his arm around her shoulders, and then he asked again, "You saw Kaz?"

"Yeah."

"How is she?"

Shepard hesitated. "Okay, I guess. She seems less interested in fighting than in spending her remaining time with her memories of Keiji."

"Just what you feared might happen."

"Yeah."

"And Donnelly and Daniels?"

"On their way back to the Normandy, as we speak."

"Cool. And what's this about Liara's father?"

"Do you remember Aethyta, from Illium?"

"The asari matriarch from Eternity?"

"That's the one. Turns out she's been spying on Liara for the asari government all this time."

"No!"

"Yep. And Liara knew it…and she knew that Aethyta was her father."

"Well, of course. Because she's a very good information broker," he intoned, mimicking Liara's inflection and making Shepard chuckle.

"Indeed."

"Wow. Such drama." He paused, adopting a more serious tone. "I'm sorry about Thane," he told her, giving her shoulders a squeeze. He wasn't close to the drell assassin, but he knew that Shepard was.

"Thanks," she whispered. "I knew he was sick…dying…but it still hit me hard, seeing him, you know? Seems silly, with everything that's going on."

"It's not silly."

She leaned her head on his shoulder, gazing out over the fountains. "Just a few more minutes, okay?"

"We can stay as long as you want."

Suddenly, EDI perched on the bench on the other side of Joker. Shepard shot the AI a look, and then turned to Joker, inquiringly.

"She's still learning about the concept of personal space," he informed her.

"Something you need, EDI?" Shepard asked.

"I'd like to ask you some questions about interpersonal relationships, if you don't mind."

"Not now, EDI," Joker told her.

"But I was speaking to Shepard, Jeff."

He passed the conversational ball to Shepard with a surrendering shrug. "Jeff and I were just about to go get some dinner, EDI. Can we do this another time?"

"Of course, Shepard." But the AI didn't budge.

"Maybe you should head back to the Normandy now, and we'll meet you there later," Shepard suggested.

"Yes, Commander." EDI rose and walked stiffly away.

"I feel like we traded one chaperone for another," Shepard said, shaking her head. "What's that all about?"

"I don't know," he told her. "She's been asking me questions all day."

"You?" she asked, amused. "She's been asking _you_ questions about relationships?"

"Hey, I told her she was wasting her time, but she wouldn't listen. She insists that I'm human."

"Well, that's her first mistake."

"Yep. Although, I am remarkably lifelike, so you can see how she would be confused."

"Mmm." Joker's stomach rumbled loudly enough for both of them to hear, and Shepard chuckled. "All right, I can take a hint. Let's go eat."

* * *

><p>What was it about Tuchunka that made every minute spent there seem like an hour; every hour like a day; every day like a lifetime? Joker didn't know if it was the inhospitable landscape or the savage residents, but no one ever seemed to return from the surface in a better mood than when they departed…including Shepard.<p>

The initial recon mission to recover the downed turian ship went reasonably well. The revelation that the platoon was on Tuchunka to prevent Cerberus from deploying a bomb did not make Shepard overly cheerful, however.

Back on the shuttle, Joker heard her say to Garrus, "Why does Cerberus want to detonate a bomb on Tuchunka? And how did the turians know about it?"

"I don't know, Shepard."

"Hey, Joker, patch me through to the primarch."

"Will do."

He established the connection to the war room, and Shepard said, "We found your son and his platoon, Primarch. Is there anything I should know about this mission that they're on?"

After a long silence, the turian said, "Nothing that I'm able to share with you right now, Commander."

"Uh huh. You do know that this alliance only works if we trust each other, right?"

"Yes, I'm aware of that."

"And you're sure that there's nothing else you'd like to share?"

"Not at the moment."

"Great. Shepard out."

Once the link was broken, she said, "EDI, get me Lieutenant Victus."

"Yes, Shepard."

"Commander?"

"We're on our way to the coordinates that you gave me for the Cerberus bomb, Lieutenant."

There was a brief pause, and then Victus admitted, "The bomb isn't Cerberus', Commander. It's turian."

"What?"

"It was placed on Tuchunka after the Krogan Rebellions…sort of a fail-safe, if you will. I can only assume that Cerberus wants to detonate it to incite war between the krogan and turians, and prevent the alliance that you're trying to forge."

"It's got a twisted sort of logic to it," Joker heard Garrus say, with grudging admiration.

"Well, we need to make sure that doesn't happen," Shepard said.

"Agreed."

"We're five minutes out, Lieutenant."

"Roger."

Just before the shuttle landed, Joker heard Shepard say to Garrus, under her breath, "You swear you didn't know anything about this?"

There was a long pause, after which Garrus simply responded, "I shouldn't have to."

Joker could practically feel the tension over the comm. He didn't understand Shepard's skepticism. She'd always trusted Garrus implicitly. Why the sudden doubts? It made his gut twist with apprehension.

Finally, he heard the hatch wheeze open and Shepard said, "All right. Let's move out."

* * *

><p>The ground team was back on the Normandy after defusing the bomb, and Shepard was leaving a trail of destruction in her wake. As soon as the shuttle docked, she stormed off and started barking orders.<p>

"James! Garrus! Clean up, eat, rest…do whatever you need to do, but be ready to go, on my orders!" Something metal clanged violently against something else. "You, too, Cortez. Be ready to fly."

"Aye, aye, ma'am."

There was a brief period of silence during which Joker could only hear heavy breathing, but he didn't dare speak and draw her wrath in his direction. The elevator pinged, and seconds later, he heard, "Mordin!"

The doors to what he assumed was the med bay slid open, and he heard the salarian say, "Yes, Shepard?"

"Is the cure ready to go?"

"Almost. Will need to take Eve with us to finish synthesizing cure. However, have discovered effective method of dispersal. Must use the Shroud."

"The Shroud?"

"Was used by turians to spread genophage. Can be used to spread cure in same manner."

"How very fitting. I'm going to the war room to talk to Wrex and the primarch. Be ready to move out, on my orders."

More stomping; more huffing. When she reached the war room, she exclaimed, "Wrex! Mordin says the cure is nearly complete. You ready to go home?"

"Ready when you are, Shepard."

"Primarch."

"Thank you, Commander, for giving my son the chance to redeem himself. He died a hero. That's all any turian father can hope for. I'm sorry I wasn't able to confide in you sooner."

"Yeah, well, secrets get people killed. But I guess you found that out the hard way today." Joker flinched. That was a harsh thing to say to a guy who'd just lost his son, even if the guy did have a huge stick up his ass. And Shepard was usually so empathetic to everyone, even people who didn't deserve it…_especially_ people who didn't deserve it.

But the primarch only replied evenly, "Yes, I guess I did. It's the hardest lesson I'll ever have to learn."

An awkward silence followed this, which Traynor interrupted over the war room comm. "Commander, urgent message for you. I'm transferring it to the comm room."

"Copy. Joker, get us to the Shroud. We need to scout things out and make a plan of attack. I'll be on the bridge a.s.a.p."

Oh, goody. "Roger that."

* * *

><p>She appeared in the cockpit about ten minutes later, still radiating tension. He couldn't eavesdrop on the comm room, so he had no idea if the incoming message had made things worse, but it certainly hadn't made them better. He launched a preemptive attack.<p>

"We have a bit of a problem."

"What a surprise."

"Sensors show a big ass Reaper parked at the Shroud." He brought up the images so that she could see for herself.

"Mordin, any idea why there would be a Reaper stationed by the Shroud?" she asked over the ship's comm.

"Likely using it to poison the atmosphere of Tuchunka. Could be problematic."

"Great." She paused, thinking. "Okay, this is the way this is going to go down. Primarch, your men are going to attack the Reaper in the air. Wrex, the krogan are going to attack on the ground. Together, you're going to draw it away from the Shroud so that Mordin can inject the cure. Any questions?"

Grumbled assents over the comm. "All right. Assemble in the shuttle bay in ten. Shepard out."

She stood, unmoving, staring over his shoulder at the form of the Reaper. "You okay?" he asked.

The sound of his voice seemed to rouse her from her reverie. She smiled, wearily. "Yeah. I'm okay." She appeared to give herself a mental shake. "Time to go cure the genophage."

"Good luck." She didn't respond as the door swished shut behind her.

* * *

><p>Add giant thresher maws and homicidal Reapers to the list of things to not like about Tuchunka. The mission itself was successful but nerve-wracking, even from several miles above the planet's surface. The post-mission debrief between Wrex, Eve and Shepard was touching and heartfelt. The ride back in the shuttle was silent. In fact, Shepard must have turned off her comm unit because Joker didn't hear a word from anyone until Garrus materialized in the cockpit.<p>

Without preamble, Garrus said, "What's the first order an Alliance commander gives at the start of combat?"

Caught off guard, Joker responded, "Uh…I give up."

"Correct," the turian replied, obviously pleased with himself.

"Been working on that one for a while, have you? Okay. How do you know when a turian is out of ammo?"

"He pulls the stick out of his ass and uses it as a backup weapon. Why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?"

Joker spun around to regard Garrus, incredulous. "You're shitting me! The turian military has a joke about me?"

"Yep. I heard it from a private back on Palaven."

"All right, I'll bite. Why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?"

"So their marines can beat someone in hand-to-hand combat."

Joker burst out laughing. "Oh, man, that's a good one. You need to tell that to James."

Garrus fell silent, and they regarded each other for a few long moments. "So, I'm guessing you didn't come all the way up here just to exchange jokes," Joker said finally.

"I'm worried about Shepard."

"Yeah, that does seem to be the general consensus."

"Huh?"

"Nothing. I noticed that things between you two seem strained."

The turian shrugged that off. "I'm looking out for my people; Shepard's looking out for yours. We both understand that, and she knows that I'm with her, no matter what. That's not my concern."

"Okay."

"She's showing some wear and tear. She's not getting enough sleep and it's affecting her judgment. I harassed her into going to her quarters to get some shut-eye, but I thought that maybe you could follow-up and make sure it actually happens."

"Sure. I'll check on her in a bit."

"Good." The turian seemed satisfied with this result. "Okay, then. I'll talk to you later."

"Okay."

Garrus paused at the door. "Lieutenant?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad that Shepard has you to depend on. She deserves to have somebody."

"Uh…thanks."

* * *

><p>Joker wrapped things up in the cockpit and turned the helm over to EDI. The ship was on its night cycle, her halls quiet and lights dimmed. But when he entered Shepard's room, it was empty.<p>

He found her on the crew deck, standing in front of the memorial wall. She had on shorts and a tank under the N7 hoodie. Her feet were bare; her hair disheveled; her eyes sunken and a little wild.

"Hey," he greeted her as he emerged from the elevator.

"I like this memorial. Did I tell you that? It was your idea, wasn't it?"

"Um…"

"Had to be. No one else left who cares. I wish you could have gone to Alchera with me. It was so cold and silent; eerie, almost. But it gave me a sense of closure to place the monument and see what was left of the Normandy. I found my helmet on the surface. Did I tell you that? It made me wonder if my body landed somewhere nearby. I looked, but I couldn't find an impact crater through all the snow." Joker blanched at that, but remained silent. "Liara had some of my armor in her apartment on Illium. Maybe she knows where they found me?"

She was speaking softly but her scattered ramblings were disconcerting. "Garrus said you were sleeping."

"I was, but I woke up. I can fall asleep, but I can't stay asleep. They're haunting me."

"Who's haunting you?"

"Them." She gestured toward the wall. "Jenkins, Kaidan, Pressly…the others, whose faces I barely remember now. Victus." She paused, and then whispered, "Mordin."

"I'm sorry about the professor."

"Someone else might have gotten it wrong," she murmured.

"What?"

"I could have lied. The salarian dalatrass told me that the Shroud was broken. I could have let Mordin and Wrex think that we were curing the genophage when we really weren't. The salarians would have joined us in building the crucible."

Joker pondered this. "You wouldn't have done that, Shepard. You don't lie to your friends."

"No," she agreed. "But I hate this. I'm making decisions that will have long-term effects on the course of history without any time to consider my choices. Because none of it matters if we don't survive tomorrow. But I'm just one person, Jeff," she said, her voice pleading for understanding. "I don't know that I can even imagine all the conceivable consequences of my actions. Overpopulation? War? Famine? The possibilities are infinite."

"Shepard," he soothed, moving cautiously to wrap his arms around her from behind, not sure she would allow it in her agitated state. She didn't flinch away, but she was unyielding, standing stiffly in his embrace. He continued calmly, "You're right. You're just one person. And you're doing the best that you can to unite this galaxy, and save them all from total annihilation. You've already accomplished far more than anyone could have expected. Allowing yourself to get caught up in the 'what ifs'? That way lies madness, my love." He tightened his grasp and felt her relax slightly. "Focus on the task at hand. First we defeat the Reapers. Then we can worry about the rest."

"Right. One thing at a time." Her hands covered his where they rested on her abdomen and she leaned her head back against his shoulder with a sigh. "Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. Good thing I have you here to look after it for me."

"That's what I'm here for," he replied as he pressed a kiss to her temple. "Although, if you're counting on me to provide the sanity for this mission, that's probably a cause for concern all on its own. Just sayin'."

"Duly noted," she said with a small smile.

"Do you want to raid the med bay? See if the doc has something that might help you sleep?"

She shook her head, rocking it softly against his collarbone. "No. I can't afford to be groggy during the day."

"You can't afford to be sleep-deprived, either," he admonished, gently.

"No," she agreed. "But maybe, if you come to bed with me…you can chase the nightmares away."

Touched, he brushed his lips against her forehead again. "I will certainly do my best to make the dead stop harassing you."

"Oh, they're not bothering me. They're waiting for me," she confided matter-of-factly, causing a shiver to race down his spine.

He got her upstairs and under the blankets, and true to her word, she dozed off quickly. She gave an occasional twitch or moan in her sleep, but when he touched her soothingly, she quieted. Joker, however, lay awake for quite a while, thinking about war and consequences; strength, and the crushing weight of responsibility; and mostly, the deceased who were eagerly waiting for Shepard to join their ranks. He eventually fell into a restless sleep of his own.

But when he woke up the next morning, she was already gone.


	25. When I'm Gone

"_Hold me when I'm here_

_Right me when I'm wrong_

_You can hold me when I'm scared_

_You won't always be there_

_So, love me when I'm gone"_

**When I'm Gone – 3 Doors Down**

* * *

><p>Joker found Shepard in the mess with the engineers – Adams, Daniels and Donnelly – as well as Chakwas. Donnelly was rambling on in technical jargon, as he was prone to doing.<p>

"The venting occurs when the IES sinks are in a back cycle at the same moment the main core is at peak draw…"

From the vacant look on Shepard's face as she sipped her coffee, he could tell she either wasn't listening, or didn't care…or both. Joker stood in the shadows for a moment, taking in the picture, wondering why it somehow seemed wrong. Then it came to him. These were all members of what he thought of as the "peripheral crew", not her combat squad. Not that Shepard didn't spend time with the PC, as he'd dubbed them, but usually, one of her team would eventually wander in and the others would soon scatter. But in this gathering, she actually looked like the outsider.

The problem was that Shepard didn't have much of a squad, at the moment. Now that Wrex and Mordin were gone, only Garrus, James and Liara remained. Liara, though deadly in her own right, was too sweet to intimidate a fly. Garrus and James were badass, but it still wasn't like the old days when her crew ruled the Normandy. It was a little depressing, when he thought about it. The final days of the fight were at hand, and allies were few and far between. It'd never occurred to him to wonder if Shepard was feeling lonely or not, but he did now.

As he approached, Daniels interrupted Donnelly's soliloquy. "What Ken is trying to say is, if we had the thermal pipe, it might keep us all from being vaporized by plasma venting someday."

Joker grabbed a breakfast tray and some coffee and sat next to Shepard. "Fair enough," she told Gabby. "I prefer my engineers non-vaporized. Well," she said, shooting Donnelly a look, "most of them, anyway." The rest of them laughed while Donnelly grumbled. "I'll look for it next time we're on the Citadel."

"Thanks, Commander," Gabby chirped.

Joker took a bite of his breakfast and grimaced. "Ugh. What are these supposed to be?"

"Eggs."

"Well, they're not doing a very good impersonation." He pushed the tray away. "I never thought I'd say this, but I actually miss Gardner's cooking."

"Amen, brother," Donnelly agreed as he stood and dumped his half-eaten plate in the trash. The other three followed suit and drifted away. Shepard watched them go.

"Feels a bit like Noah's Ark around here," she observed.

"Wow, biblical references first thing in the morning. Impressive. Why the Ark? Are you expecting a flood?"

"No. Just the animals, lining up two by two."

"What?" He followed her gaze. Adams lingered by the med bay door with Chakwas before joining Ken and Gabby by the elevator. "The doc and Adams?"

"Mmm. They've been spending a lot of time together lately. I keep stumbling across them in dark corners."

"And Gabby's still putting up with Ken?"

"As far as I can tell, everything is status quo there."

"Huh. Well, good for them." He eyed her critically. "You look a little better this morning."

"Gee, thanks."

"You know what I mean. You got some sleep?"

"Yeah. I've only been up for an hour or so." At his skeptical look, she said, "Or maybe two. But I feel better. Really."

"Good. More coffee?" He reached for her cup along with his, but she covered it with her hand.

"I'm good."

"Seriously?" He hadn't ever known Shepard to turn down a jolt of caffeine, no matter how bad it tasted.

"Yeah. Thanks, though."

"Okay." He refilled his own cup and grabbed a lid. Shepard stood and they walked to the elevator together. When the doors opened on the crew deck, she said, "Set a course for Noveria, when you're ready?"

"Yes, ma'am."

She gave him a quick peck. "See you later." The doors slid shut and he headed for the cockpit.

* * *

><p>The trip to Noveria was uneventful. Shepard stopped by the cockpit afterwards.<p>

"Where to now, boss?" he inquired, cheerfully.

"We need to go to Benning," she replied, cautiously. "It's…"

"I know where it is," he responded, his grin quickly fleeing.

"Call me when we get to Arcturus," she ordered.

"Shepard, it's fine. You don't have to…"

"Just call me," she insisted.

"Aye, aye."

* * *

><p>They looked speechlessly through the windshield at the remains of the space station. There was nothing left except floating shrapnel. It was a cold and lifeless mass grave.<p>

"You okay?" she asked, hand resting on his shoulder.

"Yeah. It actually makes me feel better about the fact that my parents were on Earth."

"I'm really sorry. I can't imagine what it feels like to see the place where you grew up just…gone." She fell silent, perhaps realizing that she might find out what it felt like soon enough.

"Thanks. And thanks for being here with me when…"

"Of course." She gave him a reassuring squeeze. "I've been meaning to ask...have you heard anything from Jules?"

"Yeah. They're evacuating Tiptree...women and children first. But Brian's company has a corporate fleet that they're volunteering for employee use, so it looks like they'll all make it off-planet safely."

"Do they know where they're going to end up?"

"No, not yet."

"Well, if there's anything I can do...we can do..."

"I'll let you know."

"Okay. And I'm sorry that I didn't ask about them sooner. They've been in my thoughts."

"It's okay, Shepard. You have other things on your mind."

"Yeah, but that's no excuse. Do you want me to have EDI or Steve take over for a bit?"

"Nah. I'm okay. Really. We'll be at Benning in about an hour."

"Okay." She slid into the copilot seat that EDI had uncharacteristically vacated earlier. At his curious glance, she said, "You don't mind if I just hang out, do you?"

"Shepard, I'm…"

"You're fine. I know. My decision has nothing to do with you. I'm just hiding from EDI and her incessant questioning."

"Right. 'Cause she'd never think to look for you here."

"Often, the most obvious place is the last place you look."

"Yeah, I don't think that kind of backwards logic applies to synthetics."

"Yes, but she's been trying to become more human, so it just might work."

A grateful smile crept across his face as he set a course for Benning. "Thanks," he said again.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just…"

"Hiding from EDI. I know. But I appreciate it, anyway."

"You're welcome."

* * *

><p>That evening, he took the elevator to Shepard's quarters, hoping to wash up and maybe even grab a power nap before dinner. He wasn't in any rush to find out what the next mystery meal was going to be. He was surprised to find Shepard there with Liara.<p>

"Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt."

"Don't be silly," Liara said. "Come on in. We're just chatting."

"Liara's making time capsules for the next cycle," Shepard informed him as he sat beside her on the couch.

"Just in case," Liara added, hastily. "It contains information on the different species, the mass relays, and what little we know about the Reapers and the Crucible. I want to include an entry on Shepard," Liara continued. "I came to get her input on what she wants it to say."

"And I told her to just tell the truth – the good, the bad and the ugly." Shepard shrugged.

"Which means I'm going to have to delete a lot of breathless passages about her heroics," Liara teased.

"I could add a few of those," Joker volunteered.

Shepard looked embarrassed. "Stop it, you two. I don't want it to say anything I can't live up to."

"Impossible," he told her. "In fact, I don't think there's anything that we could say that could effectively convey your awesomeness."

She grinned and shook her head dismissively, but rewarded his flattery with a soft brush of her lips against his.

Liara looked on, smiling indulgently. "You deserve an entry, too," she told Joker. "And Garrus, and Tali…you all stood by Shepard from the beginning."

"Come on, Li," Shepard said, gently. "I wouldn't even be here today if it weren't for you. And you helped me on Illium. After two years, I didn't expect you to just drop everything and follow me."

"But I should have!" the asari exclaimed, vehemently. "You're my friend, and I wasn't there for you."

"Well, you're making up for it now, and that's all that matters." Shepard leaned forward and squeezed Liara's hand. There were tears in the asari's eyes.

Liara quickly regained her composure, and the three of them sat around chatting for a while. Finally, Liara gathered her things and departed. Shepard reclined back against the sofa with a sigh.

"So," he inquired, "will you compose my entry for the time capsule?"

"Sure."

"What's it going to say?"

"Best pilot in the known universe, of course."

"Of course."

"Fueled by caffeine; recognizable by the omnipresent baseball cap."

"Mm hmm."

"Known for his sunny disposition and for always having a kind word for everyone."

"This is supposed to be non-fiction, Shep," he reminded her.

"Famous for pulling Commander Shepard's ass out of harm's way every time she stood on or in something that was about to explode, which was quite frequently."

"True. And a very fine ass it is, I might add." He nuzzled her neck.

"Oh, really? Is that why you rescue me, because I have a nice ass?"

"No. It's one of the things I love about you. But it's not the only thing. I also love your lips."

When the kiss ended, she said, "Tell me more."

"I like your throat," he said, working his way lower, "but I really love your boobs." After he'd spent some time unveiling and appreciating the aforementioned appendages, he lifted his head and said, "But they're still not my favorite part."

"Oh, no?" she breathed, her skin enticingly flushed with color.

"Uh uh." He pulled off her boots, and then undid the button on her pants and slid them down, along with her underwear. Settling his face between her legs, he grinned up at her. "_This_ is my very favorite spot."

For a while, they were both too distracted to say anything else.

Afterwards, she said, "I don't think we need to put _that_ in the time capsule."

"Maybe not, but you have to admit, it would certainly make an impression on future generations."

"Not to mention, give me a reputation of a very different sort from the one I'm currently cultivating."

"So, it goes in?"

"I'll make you a deal. The next time we have sex you can record it and put it in the time capsule."

"Wahoo!"

"You do know this means I won't be having sex with you ever again, right?"

"Damn it. Never mind."

* * *

><p>The next morning, she announced, "Wrex sent me a message respectfully demanding that we go look for his missing platoon in the Attican Traverse. He's sending a squad to meet us." She was seated at her desk, reviewing her inbox, while Joker finished getting dressed.<p>

"What were they doing all the way out there, again?"

"I'm not sure. Something to do with the rachni, but it doesn't make sense. Back on Noveria, the queen promised me…"

"Sure. And if you can't trust the word of a creepy, bug-like alien who speaks through the dead, then who can you trust?"

"No one asked for your opinion. Just fly the ship, will ya?"

"Yes, ma'am."

* * *

><p>The first thing he heard Shepard say after they touched down was "Grunt!" and he groaned.<p>

"No more krogan onboard! The smell is just starting to fade," he pleaded over the comm, but received no response.

During the rest of the conversation between the commander and the krogan, Joker gleaned that Grunt had learned a lot after returning to Tuchunka from Illium. He was now the head of Aralakh Company, an elite group of commandos comprised of members from the various clans. They were there searching for a missing krogan scouting team who had been investigating reports of activity near the rachni relay.

"Any sign of the scouting party?" Shepard asked Grunt. Joker could tell from the ambient noise that they were on the move.

"Just a big crater where the camp used to be. No sign of their shuttle, either. No way they were getting out of here."

Suddenly, there was a horrible creaking noise and Grunt yelled, "Shepard! Look out!" About thirty seconds of ear-splitting racket followed, and then silence.

Joker could hear Grunt in the background, calling for Shepard at the same time that he was, and then she said, "We're okay. A bunker collapsed, but everyone's all right. Grunt, we're going in. Joker, we're going underground. We may lose radio contact."

"Roger."

The radio transmissions grew more sporadic the deeper into the tunnels that they went. He heard Shepard tell Grunt that she had found the corpse of a member of the scouting party, and signs of rachni activity, and then the signal faded to static.

He sat, unable to do anything but monitor the life signs from her armor, hating the lack of audio contact. After an indeterminate amount of time, he could once again hear voices through the dissonance. They must have been emerging from below ground.

"Shuttle…that way." It sounded like Grunt. "I'll...them off."

"Grunt," Shepard said.

"Get out…Shepard!"

Then there was the sound of pounding feet and heavy respiration. Shepard and her crew were on the run.

Once they were topside, he could hear her clearly when she said, "Cortez. We're the last ones out." The sorrow in her voice was unmistakable. Had the crazy krogan actually sacrificed his life to save Shepard? Goddammit, was he going to have to reevaluate his aversion to the noxious creatures?

"Copy that, Commander," he heard Cortez reply.

There was the sound of the shuttle touching down, and then suddenly Shepard cried, "Grunt!"

"You can't get rid of me that easily, Shepard."

_Well, shit. Guess there's going to be plenty of celebrating and head-butting onboard tonight, after all_, he thought to himself, but he couldn't suppress his relieved grin.

* * *

><p>He was right about the party. He found them all down in the armory. Grunt was reenacting his heroic battle against the rachni while James and a staff sergeant named Collins egged him on. Garrus and Liara were there, as well as Daniels and Donnelly. Shepard stood off to one side with Cortez, observing the proceedings indulgently. Joker joined them.<p>

"I thought Grunt was injured."

"He is. The doc tried to patch him up, but ended up throwing him out of the med bay when he wouldn't sit still and kept knocking over her tray of supplies."

"He seems okay now."

"He's full of ryncol. He's not feeling any pain."

Cortez looked on with wide-eyed astonishment. "This guy was on your team?"

"Yep." At his look, Shepard said, "You should have seen him when we first found him. He was just a baby, and so cute."

"He was full-grown, and when you released him from the test tube, he tried to kill you," Joker reminded her.

"I know, but he was adorable."

Joker rolled his eyes and Cortez shook his head. "I think I need to go weld something." He wandered away.

Grunt had James in a headlock now, and the lieutenant howled indignantly as the bystanders roared with laughter.

Joker reclined against the weapons bench next to Shepard. "So, the rachni queen, huh?"

"Yep. The rachni queen."

"And you let her go? Again?" After their discussion the other night about decisions, he fought to keep the dubiousness from his tone, but he wasn't certain that he fully succeeded.

"Yeah." She held his gaze, steadily. "She's on our side. The Reapers indoctrinated them. It's not their fault."

"I know, but couldn't it happen again?"

She shrugged. "We're all vulnerable, to some extent. Doesn't mean we should just wipe out all sentient life to avoid the possibility."

"No, I guess not. So, we're headed to Tuchunka?"

"Yeah. Grunt's all that's left of Aralakh Company. The least we can do is give him a ride home. Wrex is not going to be happy with me."

"So, what's new? Wrex is never happy about anything."

The show was winding down, and the krogan was beginning to sway on his feet from alcohol and exhaustion. "C'mon, Grunt. Time for bed," Shepard called.

There were vociferous protests from the onlookers, but she ignored them. She walked over and placed Grunt's arm over her shoulder, pulling him away from the crowd. "Your old quarters are still available on the engineering deck."

"Shepard!" Grunt exclaimed with the drunken delight of one newly discovering the presence of a companion who had been there all along. "My battlemaster! Toughest human I know!"

"Yeah, but you don't know many humans, Grunt, so that's not much of a compliment. Let's keep moving." She herded him toward the elevator and pushed the button.

"You know, Shepard, after we killed the thresher maw during my rite of passage on Tuchunka, I received many breeding requests from fertile females."

"Well, good for you, Grunt." Joker got onto the elevator with Shepard and Grunt and they quickly travelled up one floor and emerged onto the engineering deck.

"And there were some male krogan who requested to breed with you," he informed her.

"You don't say." They got Grunt into the cargo bay and seated on the bunk.

"But I took care of them," he assured her as she pulled off his armor. "They won't bother you."

"Well, that's a weight off my mind, Grunt." Shepard settled the krogan back onto the mattress. He reached out and grasped her hand.

"You're my krannt. I would never let anything happen to you." He focused his bleary eyes on Joker. "Plus, you've already mated with the puny human pilot."

"Thanks, Grunt," Joker said as Shepard tried to stifle her snickers.

"Anytime," the krogan said, his eyes drifting shut. They made their way back to the elevator.

"It's good to have the little guy back, isn't it?" Shepard asked, gleefully.

"Yeah. I can barely contain myself."

"I told you he was cute."

"Delightful. Now excuse me while I go calculate the most direct course to Tuchunka.


	26. Friends Like These

"_I don't give a fuck that you can't stand me_

_I've finally had enough of what you say_

_Now you're talking tough 'cause you backstabbed me_

_You're my derailment_

_It's funny how you lie and try to wreck me_

_It's funny how you're falling on your face_

_I'm never gonna let you disrespect me_

_You're my derailment"_

**My Derailment – Adelitas Way**

* * *

><p>"Commander, can I see you in the cockpit?" Joker announced over the ship wide comm. He had no idea of her whereabouts at the moment.<p>

"On my way," was the immediate response.

Even though he'd only been teasing (mostly), the trip to Tuchunka had gone quickly. Wrex had been happy to get Grunt back and disgruntled that he'd lost the rest of his elite commandos. But that's what krogan did – fight. Joker didn't imagine that he'd have too much difficulty replenishing his troops.

Now they were approaching the Citadel. She'd informed him of their destination last night.

"Valern, the salarian councilor, says Udina's been moving large sums of money around. He wants me to investigate."

They'd been lying in bed, her head resting on his bare chest, her arm settled lightly across his abdomen. If this was her idea of sexy talk, it wasn't doing much for him. He'd trailed fingertips up and down her arm, distractedly.

"Why you? Can't they do anything for themselves, useless bastards?"

"I asked the same thing. I told him to get C-Sec on it. Apparently, since Udina's human, he's our mess to clean up."

"Kind of ironic…you nominate Anderson to that post, and Udina ends up there in the interim, anyway."

"Yeah. And I never have trusted him."

"He's a politician…inherently untrustworthy."

"Exactly. So, I guess we're headed back to the Citadel tomorrow."

"Tell you what," he'd said, giving up on her arm and sliding his hand underneath her tank top. "You promise not to talk about Udina anymore, and I'll make sure we double-time it to the Citadel."

"You've got yourself a deal," she'd agreed with a grin.

But now, they were on approach vector, and he wasn't getting a response from flight control. The door to the cockpit slid open as he tried to hail them once more.

"Alliance Control, this is SSV Normandy. We're headed to Bay 1-4, Zakera Ward. Are we clear to descend?" He shook his head at Shepard as only silence greeted him once more.

"What the hell's going on down there?" she demanded, rhetorically.

He shrugged. "I don't know, but I have a bad feeling. Checking emergency channels." He switched channels, and the incoming transmission started broadcasting immediately.

"The Citadel is under attack. Does anyone copy? The Citadel is under attack."

"This is the SSV Normandy. I copy," he responded, heart rate ratcheting up a notch.

"Joker? This is Thane. Is Shepard with you?"

"Yeah, hold on, I'll patch you through." While he established the connection, he said to Shepard, "It's Thane. He says the Citadel is under attack."

"Shepard," came Thane's rasping voice, "Cerberus troops are everywhere, and they're in control of the docks.

"Are you safe?" she asked, worry infusing her tone.

"No, but I evaded them at the hospital. I'm in a Presidium storefront."

"Is Ashley with you?"

"We got separated. She said she had to protect the Council. I'm headed for C-Sec headquarters."

"Why?"

"C-Sec can't organize an effective counter-attack with their communications compromised. Until we regain possession, Cerberus is in control."

"Okay. I'll meet you there, Thane." She motioned for Joker to break the connection. "Get us as close as you can to C-Sec HQ. We'll deploy in the shuttle."

"Aye, aye."

* * *

><p>He flew carefully between the Citadel's arms, wary of traffic with no one controlling flight patterns. Even from a distance, he could see fires burning and parts of the structure collapsed. The last time that they'd visited, hadn't he wished that the residents of the Citadel would wake up to what was going on around them? His stomach churned. He hadn't wanted this.<p>

The shuttle got away safely, and Shepard ordered him to retreat to the relative safety of open space surrounding the station. As usual, he was able to monitor their progress audibly. After a brief gunfight, the ground team rendezvoused with a C-Sec captain named Bailey. He confirmed Thane's statement about the necessity of taking back the HQ. They got inside and Bailey set up a secure channel for his men.

"Any idea where the councilors might be?" Shepard asked.

"I have a message from Councilor Valern. It says he's here at HQ meeting with the executor."

"One councilor is better than none. Where am I headed?"

"I'll update your nav point," Bailey said. "You'd better hurry!"

"Thane," Shepard's voice came over the previously established channel. "Did you hear that?"

"Yes. I'm on my way." The drell's breathing was labored over the comm.

"Roger."

Joker listened as Garrus, James and Shepard made their way methodically through headquarters, disposing of any and all who got in their way. James was presumably becoming more accustomed to working as part of the unit; there was less and less verbal communication with each successive mission. Silent and deadly – that's what they were.

When they reached the executor's office, Shepard said, "Bailey. They got the executor and both of his body guards. No sign of Valern."

"Damn. Well, keep looking. If there's no body, don't count him out."

There were a couple of moments of silence, and then Shepard exclaimed, "Found him! He looks unharmed."

"Get him somewhere safe!" Bailey ordered.

Joker wasn't able to fully decipher what he heard next. There was a shot and the sound of breaking glass, then a grunt from Shepard. She said, menacingly, "Don't even think about it."

"Shepard! He's going to kill us all!" he heard a high-pitched voice say. The councilor? But who was going to kill them? For the first time in ages, he lamented the lack of a video feed.

"That remains to be seen," Shepard responded confidently. Whatever was going on, it sounded like she was in control of the situation…or thought that she was, at least.

"I mean Udina. He's staging a coup. He's planning to hand the other councilors over to Cerberus!" the unidentified voice insisted.

Apparently ignoring this, Shepard continued speaking to the unknown assailant. "Three on one, pal. It's over."

"No." The attacker spoke for the first time. "Now it's fun."

"Thane!" Shepard cried, and the sounds of a scuffle ensued. Shots were fired. "Thane!" Shepard called again, only this time there was a shrill edge to her voice. More shots, followed by the echo of running feet and the sound of a clip being emptied.

"Dammit!" Shepard swore. "How bad are you hurt?"

"I have time," Thane responded. "Get him."

Bailey broke in. "Shepard? What's going on up there?"

"I need medics here. Now!" She said to Thane, "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes. Go."

"There's an assassin. We lost him. He's after the rest of the Council," Shepard told Bailey, breathing hard. "Alert your men. Udina's trying to take control."

"They're on their way to a shuttle bay on the Presidium. I'll try to raise them on the comm."

"We're taking one of C-Sec's shuttles. We'll meet them there," she replied.

* * *

><p>A short while later, Bailey spoke again. "I have the Council's location. I'm sending it to your car."<p>

"Roger. We're almost there."

Suddenly, more gunfire, and alarms started bleating in the background.

"Shepard!" Garrus exclaimed.

Unable to refrain, Joker finally asked, "What's happening?"

"Nothing," the turian replied, tersely.

James snorted. "If by nothing, you mean Shepard's hanging out of a moving car shooting at an assassin, then yeah. Nothing."

"Shut up, James," Garrus growled. Apparently, the new kid hadn't learned the ground team code yet - never inform the pilot about the crazy shit the commander did while she was on the ground. Or in the air, as the case may be.

The alarms grew more frantic until finally Garrus said, "Shepard! Get your ass back in here!"

"Brace for impact!" she instructed, and then a bone-jarring screech as the shuttle crashed down.

"Ow," James remarked conversationally, as the hatch squealed open. Joker heard Shepard's boots hit the ground with a grunt.

"Let's go," she ordered. "We're on foot now, Bailey, but we're close."

"Roger."

* * *

><p>After a shootout in an elevator shaft (and really, Joker thought, he couldn't make this shit up if he tried) he heard a female voice that he identifed as Ashley's say, "Shepard! What's going on?"<p>

"Shepard's blocking our escape! She's still with Cerberus." Joker recognized Udina's insufferable intonation.

"Just hang on. Everyone calm down." But there was uncertainty behind the words.

"I can explain, Ashley." In contrast, Shepard sounded calm and collected.

"Come on, Shepard. Gun drawn on the Council? It looks bad."

Joker took a moment to seethe inside. After everything, Williams still didn't trust Shepard? What the hell was wrong with her?

"Udina's behind this attack. The salarian councilor confirmed it."

"You have no proof. You never do," Udina scoffed.

"There are Cereberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind us. If you open that door, they'll kill you all."

"We mistrusted Shepard before, and it did not help us." Finally, a voice of reason. It was feminine and unfamiliar– had to be the asari councilor.

"We don't have time to debate this. I'm overriding the lock," Udina declared.

A long pause, and then Ashley said, "Udina. Step away from the console."

"To hell with this," he growled.

"He's got a gun!" Ashley cried, and then a single shot was fired.

"Udina's down!" Shepard announced, to no one in particular, that Joker could tell.

"The door's opening!" someone else called out, and then Shepard said, "Bailey?"

And just like that, the standoff was over. Bailey confirmed Shepard's story about Udina working with Cerberus. The remaining councilors were evacuated.

"Shepard…" he heard Ashley begin, apologetically.

"We'll talk later," she interrupted, brusquely. "You need to stay with the Council, and I need to get to the hospital and check on Thane."

"I'll go with you," Garrus offered.

"No. I'll go alone. I'm going offline, Joker." Her tone of voice made it clear that she was expecting the worst, and needed to face it on her own.

"Aye, aye," he said, and then added, "I'm going to dock a.s.a.p. If you need me…"

"Thanks," she replied before the connection was abruptly severed.

* * *

><p>It took some time for order to be restored, but he was finally given clearance to land. The Normandy was safely ensconced at the docks, but no one had heard from Shepard. The crew milled about restlessly, waiting for the orders that would allow them to disembark.<p>

Garrus' voice rumbled over the comm. "Has Shepard returned to the ship yet?"

"No, and the natives are growing restless. You haven't heard from her, either?"

"I just went by the hospital, but she was already gone. Thane," Garrus hesitated. "Thane didn't make it."

"Shit," Joker breathed, although he'd suspected as much. All of a sudden, he heard a commotion outside the airlock. "Hang on a sec."

The exterior door opened as he approached. He saw Williams first as she was closer to the ship, her stance defiant. Looking around her, he saw Shepard staring at her steadily, though her posture sagged, as if burdened by a heavy weight. Tension sparked around the two women.

"Garrus," Joker spoke quietly into his omni-tool. "I think you should get back here, on the double."

"On my way."

"Everything okay here?" he inquired tentatively. He received no response.

"I don't think it's a good idea," Shepard told Ashley, flatly. Joker could tell by the tone of her voice that it wasn't the first time she'd said it. Shepard never enjoyed having to repeat herself.

"But I don't understand." Ashley sounded frustrated. "This is my fight, too. I thought we resolved our issues."

"You pointed a gun at me today, Williams. I would say that your actions indicate some lingering reservations on your part. I can't have someone on my team that doesn't trust me."

"C'mon, Shepard. Put yourself in my shoes. Can you honestly say that you would have reacted differently?"

Joker saw Garrus calmly approaching Shepard from behind, and he saw Ashley take note of the turian's presence, as well. The two men hovered silently around Shepard like vigilant bodyguards. It would have been laughable, except it wasn't her physical well-being they were protecting, and they both knew it.

"Yes. I can. A friend sacrificed his life today…a man who followed me to hell and back once before without question. I asked for his help, and he was there. He was dying, but he was there. We were only acquainted for a relatively short amount of time, and still, he trusted me implicitly." Joker could see that she was struggling to hold her emotions in check. "Just like Garrus, and Jeff." Ashley's eyes flitted to each of them in turn as Shepard said their names. They both regarded her with blank expressions and hard stares. "Liara. Those are the people I want by my side to the end."

Finally, Ashley's shoulders slumped in defeat. "Fine. I'll report to Hackett to get a new assignment." She walked past Shepard, beyond Garrus' stoic form, and then turned back. "I hope you won't regret this, Shepard." When Shepard didn't respond, she surrendered and walked away.

Shepard was resolutely studying the tops of her boots. "Are you coming aboard?" Joker spoke to the top of her bowed head. She shook it slowly back and forth.

"No. I was going to, but…I need some time to think."

"Okay."

"Dismiss the crew. Give them 24 hours leave."

"I will. Shepard…"

She raised her eyes to his face. They were red-rimmed from crying and brimming with unshed tears. "Jeff," she interrupted. "I just need some time to myself. Please."

"Okay." He knew she didn't mean it as a rebuke, but it still stung. He wanted to comfort her. He wanted her to _need_ him to comfort her.

She ducked around Garrus with her shoulders hunched and head hung low. The turian watched her go and then came to stand next to Joker.

"Is she going to be okay?" he asked the pilot with concern.

"I don't know, Garrus," he replied, honestly. "I really don't know."

* * *

><p>He tried to give her time and space, but when hours passed and she still hadn't returned, he grabbed a bottle of water and a sandwich from the mess and went to look for her. The Citadel was deep into its artificial night cycle, and its corridors were quiet. A curfew had been enacted for civilians so that clean-up from the attack could be accomplished quickly and safely. The only beings scurrying about were the keepers and people in uniform. Luckily, he was one of the latter.<p>

He wasn't sure where to begin looking, so he eliminated places he knew she wouldn't be. There was no longer any reason for her to be at the hospital. The docks were too noisy and crowded, as was Purgatory – unless she was getting drunk by now, which was always a possibility. She could be in the Spectre office at the embassy, but that didn't feel right. He decided to try the Presidium first.

He emerged from the elevator and hesitated briefly before heading toward the fountains. He garnered some curious glances from the C-Sec officers, but no one challenged him. Without forethought, he found himself at the bench where they'd sat the last time they were here, but there was no sign of Shepard. Despite the devastation, there was something peaceful about the bubbling of the water in the dusky hush. Even the cleaning crews seemed to recognize it, going about their work with a minimum of chatter.

He stood for a moment, eyes roaming his surroundings, until he caught a glimmer of light from across the lake. It disappeared so quickly that he momentarily questioned its existence, but then it flickered back into view. On instinct, he began following the path that led to where the light seemed to originate.

He found her perched on an artificial hillside, mostly hidden by some low-hanging foliage. She sat with her knees tucked in and arms wrapped around her legs. She stared out at the lake where a candle bobbed on the surface. It emitted the glow that he'd seen from across the way.

He carefully lowered himself to the ground next to her. She didn't acknowledge his presence. After a few moments, he said, "I don't want to intrude. I was just concerned about you. I brought you something to eat." He handed her the bottle of water. She took it without comment, but didn't open it. He set the wrapped sandwich down beside her. When she remained silent, he said, "I'll leave you alone." He started to rise, but she finally turned toward him.

"You don't have to go," she said, her voice husky. "I just don't really feel like talking."

"That's okay," he replied as he resettled next to her. "I don't really like talking, anyway."

The corner of her lips quirked upwards, almost imperceptibly. "Yes, that is your reputation." They sat in silence for a while, and then he ventured, "I'm sorry about Thane."

She sighed. "More names for the wall. Too many already, and we've just begun. Too damn many." All of a sudden, the words came out of her in a rush. "I know there are millions…hell, billions…dying out there every day. But these are my people. Mine. I'm supposed to protect them. Keep them safe."

"No," he corrected, gently. "Mordin…Thane…they knew what they were sacrificing. They did it for the war. To defeat the Reapers. And to keep _you_ safe. They all know the truth, Shepard. Without you, we don't stand a chance."

He could see the tears tracking down her face. They sparkled in the light shimmering off of the water. "I don't want people to die for me."

"I know."

"Especially the people I love."

"I know," he said again, softly. He reached out and brushed a tear from her cheek.

"Today, Thane asked Kolyat to pray with him. Only he wasn't praying for himself. He was praying for me."

"Thane loved you, and he'd accepted his fate. He wouldn't want you to grieve for him."

She turned her head so that she was once again looking out over the water. The candle had floated further from the shore so that it wavered faintly in the distance. "Do you think I was wrong to send Ash away?"

"No," he said without hesitation.

"Really?"

"Nope. What did we say on Illium? No more suicide missions for her." Shepard chuckled softly, and he continued. "Ash is a good soldier, but she doesn't trust you and she doesn't give you the respect that you deserve. We don't need people like her with us."

Shepard's eyes raked over his face. Her eyes shone in the dimness. "Thanks." She leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "C'mon. Let's get out of here."

They stood and Shepard slipped her hand into his. They slowly followed the path back the way that they had come. Just before they exited the Commons, Joker glanced back toward the lake, but he could no longer see the candle. Its flame had been extinguished.


	27. Worth Dying For

"_You're the only thing left worth dying for_

_You give me a reason I can't ignore_

_You make me want to live forever_

_You're everything I've been waiting for_

_For all of these years and a thousand more_

_You make me want to live forever"_

**Live Forever – Sixx AM**

* * *

><p>Several days later, Shepard slipped into the cockpit unannounced. She slid into the copilot's seat (Joker realized that he hadn't seen EDI since earlier in the day, now that he thought about it) and sat silently regarding him. The expression on her face said, "<em>I know something you don't know,"<em> and it made him uneasy.

"What?" he asked her.

"I just came from chatting with EDI. She cornered me in the mess and I wasn't able to escape. But as it turned out, our conversation was rather enlightening."

"Really." It was more a statement of skepticism than a question.

"Mm hmm. As it turns out, our little EDI is in love. With a member of the crew."

"Really?" Now he actually was intrigued. "Who?"

When Shepard just sat, and stared, and grinned, he said, "No. No! Oh, man…are you messing with me?"

"Not at all. She was desperate for advice on how to win your heart."

"And who better to ask than my fiancée, right? I think she's still lacking a few important facts about the human dating paradigm."

"Well, yes. I did try to explain that to her. She didn't seem to find it all that discouraging. Apparently, she's just preparing for the rather high likelihood that I won't be around for much longer…statistically speaking, of course."

"Oh, man."

"Then I tried to explain that you had brittle bones and she was made of metal. She didn't seem to comprehend the significance of that fact. So, I'm guessing that she wants you for more than your body," Shepard smirked.

"You have _got _to be kidding me."

"I did the best that I could, but she couldn't be dissuaded." She stood and put her hand on his shoulder in mock sincerity. "I hope you two will be very happy together."

"You're deriving way too much pleasure from this," he advised her.

"Hey, as I was so blithely informed, there's an 87.43 percent chance that I won't be alive in six months. A girl's gotta take her fun where she can get it." She swished out the door, leaving an aura of mirth in her wake.

Joker dropped his head into his hands, shaking his head, wondering if there was any information available on the extranet about how to let a romantically deluded AI down easy.

* * *

><p>He broached the topic with her later that day.<p>

"So, EDI…I heard you talked to Shepard today."

"I talk to Shepard almost every day, Jeff."

"That's true. But I heard that today you talked to Shepard about me."

A brief pause, and then, "It was my understanding that my conversation with Shepard would be kept confidential."

"It wasn't Shepard's intention to betray your trust. But she thought that perhaps you would be better off discussing your concerns directly with me than with her."

"Very well. I believe that I have developed romantic feelings for you. I attribute this to our close working relationship and symbiotic sense of humor, as well as the fact that you were the one who initially liberated me from my programming restrictions."

"Right. Well, although I consider you my friend, EDI, I'm in love with Shepard."

"I understand that monogamy is the preferred human mating archetype. But from my research, I've ascertained that there are exceptions to that arrangement."

"_Not when you're involved with a woman who routinely carries several large weapons on her person," _Joker thought, but did not say.

"Also, as I informed Shepard, there is a high probability that she will not survive our current mission. In that case, you would once again be single."

"EDI," Joker began, patiently. "I love Shepard with all my heart. If something were to happen to her, I would be devastated. I wouldn't be interested in pursuing another relationship."

"You would need time to grieve," she acknowledged.

"Exactly."

"Anecdotal evidence shows that most people do not mourn indefinitely. As I have a potentially infinite life span, I would be willing to wait."

This wasn't going well. He decided to move on to Shepard's other argument. "You do understand that most human romantic relationships have a, um, physical component to them?"

"Yes."

"And you see how the fact that I'm a very breakable human and the fact that you're a synthetic might make us a bit incompatible in that way?"

"I do. But I am capable of arriving at a solution for almost any problem. I am sure that with a little creativity, I could solve this one, as well."

Okay, Joker had to admit that _that _was kind of intriguing. _"No. No!" _he thought to himself. _"Strong woman. Big guns."_

"EDI, I just don't think that it's going to work out," he tried, falling back on the classic break-up line. He held "_It's not you, it's me,"_ in reserve for now, in case he needed to pull it out at a later date.

"We'll see," the AI said placidly, and Joker sighed. Winning an argument with an artificial woman was turning out to be as impossible as winning one with a real one.

* * *

><p>Continuing the cosmic game of "<em>This Is Your Life<em>," Shepard encountered Samara during the next mission on Lesuss.

Not surprisingly, once Shepard had saved the Council (again) the asari and salarians had capitulated and decided to join the war effort. Also not surprisingly, they felt that this entitled them to ask for more favors from their newly-prized Spectre.

Shepard informed Joker that Liara had received a message from Asari High Command requesting that they investigate an Ardat-Yakshi monastery on Lesuss. Asari commandos had been dispatched to respond to a distress signal and hadn't been heard from since. And, oh yeah, they'd had enough explosives on them to turn the place to rubble.

As it turned out, Samara's remaining daughters, Falere and Rila, lived at the monastery. But by the time they arrived, it was too late for Rila. The Reapers had been harvesting the Ardat-Yakshi, turning them into banshees, and Rila was infected. Shepard detonated the bomb, destroying what was left of the once beautiful and peaceful retreat, and Samara and Falere survived. As far as recent missions went, it wasn't particularly dangerous, and the outcome was deemed a success, but when Joker encountered Shepard afterwards, she still seemed troubled.

He found her alone in the lounge. She was sitting cross-legged on the sofa, staring absently out the window at the stars. A datapad sat in her lap, playing a recording of a female voice.

"_Give this to my bondmate, Weshra. Asked her to go to the Citadel._

_And tell Weshra I love her. Tell her…sorry we fought. I was an idiot. Didn't mean any of it, Weshra. Want…want you to have everything of mine, okay?_

_Love you. I love you so…"_

The recording cut off abruptly, and then started over.

"_My name is Tashya Porae. I'm wounded…bad."_

Joker realized that Shepard must have found the message on Lesuss…one of the commandos, leaving a dying message for her partner. When the message began for the third time, Joker sat beside Shepard on the couch, gently extricated the device from her grasp, and turned it off. She didn't object.

"How's Samara?" he asked her.

She cleared her throat as if she expected her voice to be rusty from disuse. He wondered how long she'd been sitting there. "Okay." After a pause, she continued. "I think. It's hard to tell with her."

"She's an enigma," he agreed. At her look, he said, "What? I know fancy words."

"Sorry." She held up her hands in a gesture of surrender. "She almost killed herself today when she thought it was a choice between that and letting Falere go free and thereby breaking the Justicar's Code. Sometimes, I wonder if I could live in such a black and white world."

"Can I speak freely?" he asked, unsure of how she would receive what he was about to say.

She looked at him askance. "Of course."

"While I admire Samara and the sacrifices she's made, mostly I think that the Code stuff is a bunch of crap. No matter how you twist it, it boils down to substituting someone else's judgment for your own, and therefore, abdicating responsibility for your actions. True justice is not blind. Making the difficult decisions is about seeing the whole picture. Maybe you, Commander Shepard, don't always make the correct choice. But you treat everyone with compassion, you judge with humility, and you care about doing the right thing. For my money, one of you is worth all of the justicars in the galaxy."

"You've thought about this," she replied, softly.

"I don't like to see you doubting yourself, Shepard," he admitted, taking her hand. "You've gotten us this far. Don't lose faith in yourself now."

She smiled, gratefully. "I'll do my best."

"That's all anyone can ask."

She was leaning over for a kiss when the door swished open behind them. "Aw, get a room, you two!" James barked as he came barging into the lounge. Donnelly, Cortez and Collins trailed in his wake. "Better yet, get your asses over here and join the poker game."

Shepard nodded her assent, but Joker demurred. "Uh uh. I've lost my next twenty years of pay to Shepard already."

"We could play strip poker instead," James suggested, eyeballing Shepard.

"Dream on, Lieutenant," she retorted as she took a seat at the table. "Shuffle up and deal, boys. I want to take your money quickly so I can still get a good night's rest."

Shaking his head, Joker headed for the door. Before he got there, Shepard said, "Jeff?"

He stopped and turned. "Yeah?"

She crooked her finger, gesturing him over to where she was seated. When he stood behind her chair, she reached up, grabbed the front of his uniform shirt, and pulled him down for a lingering, upside-down kiss. Their comrades heckled and whistled like adolescent boys.

"Thanks," she said when she finally broke the clinch, smiling up at him.

"Anytime. Take all their money."

"Oh, I will," she assured him as he once again started for the exit. "I raise one hundred," he heard Shepard say before the door slid closed behind him.

* * *

><p>The next morning, a very groggy Shepard said, "I forgot to ask. Did you talk to EDI?"<p>

"Yep."

"How'd it go?"

"About how you'd expect."

"Have you given any thought to polygamy as a lifestyle?"

"You're hilarious. Have you given any thought to why she's so confident that you're not going to be around in the future to interfere in our budding man-robot romance?"

Shepard's brow furrowed. "Maybe EDI and I need to have another chat about moral choices, especially ones that conflict with my desire to keep on living."

"That," Joker agreed, "might be a good idea."

* * *

><p>Traynor, who was becoming quite good at the whole espionage thing, set Shepard on the trail of some Cerberus scientists who appeared to have defected. Believing that they could be useful to the Crucible project, and that they were likely in more danger than they were currently aware, Shepard asked Joker to set a course for their current hiding place on Gellix. In the shuttle on the way to the surface, Joker heard Shepard say, "Let's make this quick, guys. It's snowing out there, and I hate the cold. It reminds me of home."<p>

The former teammate hiding behind this particular curtain was none other than Jacob, who was now ex-Cerberus himself. When the researchers had rabbited, they hadn't done so particularly stealthily. They had taken most of their family and friends with them, so that there were about 100 people on the run. Jacob had apparently been appointed their protector.

But now, their former boss, the Illusive Man, had caught up with them. With the help of Shepard, Garrus and Liara, the civilians beat a hasty retreat and Shepard sent them to Hackett to join the rest of the brain trust working on the Crucible.

When they were getting ready for bed that night, Joker said, "Jacob didn't want to stay and help us shoot at things?"

"No, he wanted to stay with the scientists."

"Weird."

"Not so weird. He and Dr. Cole are involved. Actually, he told me," she hesitated briefly before continuing, "Brynn's pregnant. They're having a baby." Shepard seemed to be studying him for his reaction.

"Really? Wow."

"Yeah. He seems pretty excited."

"Well, good for him. Still, it's got to be hard, with everything that's going on."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you know…not knowing what kind of future there's going to be for the kid. If there's going to be any future at all. I'm not sure I'd want to be in his shoes right about now."

"It wouldn't be easy," she said, softly. They slid under the covers and Shepard doused the lights. He extended his arm to her and she curled up against him. He kissed the top of her head and she sighed, contentedly.

"Did you get a chance to have another chat with EDI?" he asked.

"Yep."

"And?"

"I told her that I would be very unhappy if she did anything to bump my expected mortality rate up over the current 87.43 percent estimation, and made it clear that doing away with a person's existing lover is not an acceptable way to win them for oneself, no matter what she sees in the old Earth vids."

"And?"

"She said that she understood and that she would never do anything that would cause harm to the Normandy or a member of her crew."

"So, you feel better about this?"

"Not in the least."


	28. Into the Nothing

"_Into the nothing, faded and weary_

_I won't leave and let you fall behind_

_Live for the dying; heaven, hear me_

_I know we can make it out alive_

_Stay with me, you're all I have left_

_I know we can make it out alive"_

**Into the Nothing – Breaking Benjamin**

* * *

><p>"Hey, Joker, look who's here!"<p>

Joker knew who it was going to be before he even spun his chair around, of course. He knew that the quarians had come aboard. "Well, if it isn't Tali'Zorah vas Normandy," he exclaimed, with a grin to match Shepard's.

"_Admiral_ Tali'Zorah vas Normandy," Shepard corrected, playfully.

"Shepard," Tali groaned, embarrassed.

"We've missed you, Tal," Joker told her. "Adams is okay, but the Normandy runs best when you're here to pamper her."

"I've missed you and Shepard, too, Joker. But unfortunately, I have more important things to worry about right now than the Normandy's drive core."

"Yeah, I know. This wasn't exactly the best time to start a war with the geth, huh?"

"I tried to tell them," the quarian said, mournfully.

"We know you did, Tali," Shepard comforted her friend. "We're going to make sure that the fleet gets out of here safely."

"Thank you, Shepard. Thank you both," she amended.

"There's a geth dreadnought broadcasting a Reaper signal to the geth fleet. We need to use our stealth systems to get close, board the ship, and deactivate the signal, allowing the quarian liveships to retreat."

"Piece of cake," Joker responded. Of course, he would come to regret those words.

* * *

><p>They entered the Tikkun system with stealth systems engaged. Unfortunately, just because the enemy couldn't see you didn't mean they couldn't shoot you down by accident. Hundreds of quarian and geth ships were engaged in active combat surrounding the dreadnought. Dodging the fire from the multitude of ships took all of Joker's considerable skill and concentration, but they made it to the dreadnought unscathed. EDI was able to attain the ship's docking protocols, but when they arrived, all the docking tubes except one were inaccessible.<p>

"I see the free one," Joker informed Shepard. "It's pretty torn up."

"Okay. I'll go across alone, and secure the docking area. Tali and Garrus can follow me over."

"Roger that."

Shepard disembarked and for several long minutes Joker heard nothing but the sound of her breathing. And more breathing. His eyes kept shifting from the dreadnought to the battle raging around them, and his anxiety was ratcheting up with every passing moment. They were sitting ducks out here. Finally, he could contain himself no longer.

"How's it going, Shepard?"

"The lack of gravity is a little disorienting. I'm moving as quickly as I can."

"Yeah, well, you know that all they have to do is look out a window and they'll see us, right?"

"The geth don't believe in windows, remember? They're structural weaknesses."

"Uh huh. 'Cause the creepy synthetics would never expect us to exploit the same weakness twice, right, Commander?"

An exasperated sigh. "Joker, would you like to get your ass out of that chair, strap on some mag boots, and join me out here?"

"Uh…no, ma'am."

"That's what I thought. So, would you please just…whoa! Shit!"

"What?"

"Mmm…the rest of the docking tube just went 'bye-'bye. Tali and Garrus won't be coming across that way."

"And I'm guessing you'd rather not tackle the dreadnought solo?"

"You guess correctly. Have EDI analyze the schematics and point me at another docking tube. I'll override the controls and let them onboard."

"Roger that."

* * *

><p>Shepard got her team across and Joker peeled off to find a less perilous location in which to loiter. Eventually, he heard Shepard exclaim, "Got it!" and then Tali spoke to the quarian admirals.<p>

"Tali'Zorah to fleet. The Reaper signal is about to go offline."

A few seconds later, one of the female admirals announced, "The signal is offline. Civilian Fleet, prepare to withdraw."

Joker was distracted by the sounds of a fierce battle raging aboard the dreadnought, so he was startled when, several minutes later, he heard a quarian (he wasn't sure if it was the same one or not) say, "Admiral Gerrel, what are you doing?"

"Raan, check your screens. The dreadnought's weapons and barriers are down! It's helpless! We can take it down if we strike now!"

"_What the fuck?"_ Joker thought.

Raan responded angrily. "Damn it, Gerrel, this is our chance to withdraw the Civilian Fleet safely!"

Tali's incredulous voice joined the refrain. "What are you talking about, 'take it down?' We're still on board!"

Gerrel overrode their protests. "We can't waste this chance. Heavy Fleet, take out the dreadnought!"

Joker was dumbfounded. The quarians had come aboard _his _ship and asked Shepard for help, and now they were going to shoot her, as well as one of their own admirals, out of the sky? Were they completely insane?

"Shepard, what do you want me to do?" he inquired. "I can jettison their quarian asses out the airlock, if you give the order."

Shepard's calm response was intended more for Tali and Garrus than for him. "We need to focus on the enemy in front of us. We'll worry about the admirals later."

Just as the sounds of fighting from inside the dreadnought began to diminish, Joker heard Gerrel order, "All ships, open fire!" Even from where he was sitting, he could see the ship immediately begin to buckle under the onslaught. He was gripping his armrests convulsively and had to make a conscious effort to relax before he snapped a phalanx.

"_C'mon, Shep," _he urged, silently. _"Time to bring it home, honey. Bring it on home."_

"We need to get to the escape pods," he heard her order the team. "Let's move!" And then a moment later, "Shepard to quarian fleet. Hold fire! I repeat, hold fire!"

There was no response from the quarians. Joker wondered what would happen if he grabbed a pistol, marched into the war room, and threatened to shoot each of them, in turn, until they called off their attack. Stupid, goddamn, motherfuckers…

Then, Shepard's voice, like music to his ears. "Joker, we're leaving in a geth fighter. Try to be the one ship in this system not firing on us, okay?"

Relief coursed through him. "Aye, aye, Commander. Just waggle the wings or something so I know which one is you."

* * *

><p>Once he knew that Shepard and her team were safely aboard the Normandy, Joker sat in the cockpit with nervous sweat cooling on his skin, trying to steady his nerves. Pissed off did not even begin to describe his emotional state. With friends like Admiral Gerrel, who needed enemies?<p>

A disruption loud enough to penetrate the door's soundproofing galvanized him, and he lurched to his feet. As he crossed the bridge, two quarians emerged into the far side of the CIC. A female admiral was shouting, "Your unilateral strike endangered us all! I should charge you with treason!"

"I was within my authority as admiral of the Heavy Fleet!" the one he assumed was Gerrel responded. Joker's hands clenched into fists involuntarily. Just the sound of the smug bastard's voice infuriated him.

The navigators, including Traynor, had recoiled from the intruders and were watching the spectacle with slack-jawed astonishment.

"And what of Shepard? And Tali'Zorah?" the other admiral demanded, as the women in question appeared behind her.

"They escaped unharmed," Gerrel proclaimed, gesturing in their direction, as if that had been due to his actions rather than in spite of them. "Shepard," he wheedled, turning to her, "the mission parameters changed. You're military. You understand that."

"I understand that you wasted your chance to withdraw your civilians safely," she seethed, getting in the admiral's face. Her own countenance was deep red, and Joker swore that he could see a vein throbbing in her temple from here.

"The dreadnought was a defenseless target. We couldn't pass up the opportunity..." Gerrel began, and the next thing Joker knew, the man landed with a thud at Shepard's feet.

"Admiral," the Commander said in a terrifyingly impassive voice, "you endangered my mission, and your people. Get the hell off my ship."

The room was silent as Gerrel collected himself and skulked away without another word. As soon as he was out of earshot, a crew member started clapping, and soon the rest of the gathering joined in. Shepard allowed it for a short while, and then she held up her hands, saying, "All right, people. Show's over. Get back to work." As the audience disbanded, Joker caught Shepard's eye. After a quick word to Tali, she strode in his direction.

"Are you okay?" he asked when she arrived. Her coloring was more magenta than maroon by now, but her jaw was rigid and her eyes were hard.

"I'm kind of annoyed, at the moment."

"Deservedly so."

"If we didn't need their fleet for the war effort…"

"Yeah." They stood in silence for a moment. "But it must have felt good to coldcock that bastard."

A frightening smile crept across her face. "Oh, it did. It felt really good."

Another pause. "Did I hear you talking to Legion?"

"Oh. Yeah. We found Legion aboard the dreadnought."

"So you had to bring him back with you? You know how I feel about the geth. If you need a pet, couldn't you just get a puppy? Or a varren?"

"Probably would be better off. As it turns out, by launching this attack on the geth, the quarians drove them into the Reaper's arms. So, by rewriting the heretics rather than destroying them, I basically provided more troops for the enemy."

"Hmph."

"Yeah. That's pretty much sums it up."

He gave her shoulders an encouraging squeeze. "Buck up, soldier. Tomorrow will be a better day."

She sighed, miserably. "Well, it sure as hell couldn't be much worse."

But, of course, they were both wrong.

* * *

><p>A Reaper. She was going one-on-one with a Reaper. On foot.<p>

Every time he thought his terror for Shepard's safety and sanity had reached its limits, she did something to prove him wrong.

"Be ready to fire," he said now to the quarian fleet who were locked into the Normandy's targeting system. Once she gave them the mark, they needed to respond immediately. "On my order." It wasn't really his order to give, but he found that he honestly didn't care too much about that at the moment.

The moment Shepard acquired the coordinates, he shouted, "Now! Fire!" The solitary Reaper crumbled under the coordinated strike from space.

In the lull following the initial assault, the dying machine spoke her name. "Shepard."

"You know who I am?" she replied.

"Harbinger speaks of you. You resist, but you will fail. The cycle must continue."

"I don't think so," she retorted, bold in the face of the Reaper's impending destruction.

"You represent chaos. We represent order. Every organic civilization must be harvested in order to bring order to the chaos. It is inevitable."

"What if we like the chaos?"

"Without our intervention, organics are doomed. We are your salvation."

"We don't need your help. We're doing just fine. You're the ones who should be worried. Tell your friends we're coming for them." And then, "Joker, I'm done here. Finish it."

"Aye, aye, Commander. One last round, people. Let's show the machines how it's done." He felt more than heard the concussive blast as the Reaper was blown into oblivion.

Once the shockwaves subsided, Shepard spoke to the shrapnel. "Never mind. I'll deliver the message myself." Joker grinned. She was so adorably badass sometimes.

After a short period of stunned silence, Tali said, "We did it, Shepard. We killed a Reaper!"

"I can confirm that the geth are no longer being controlled by the Old Machines. We are free," Legion intoned.

"The geth have stopped firing." Gerrel, the pompous quarian bastard. "They're completely vulnerable."

"Shepard-Commander. The geth only acted in defense after the creators attacked. Do we deserve death?"

"What are you suggesting, Legion?"

"With the Old Machine dead, we could upload our upgrades to all geth without sacrificing their independence."

"You want to upload the Reaper code?" Tali asked, incredulous.

"No," Shepard declared, adamantly. "No uploads. We rewrote the heretics once, and they aligned themselves with the Reapers. I won't make the same mistake twice."

"Shepard-Commander, without these upgrades, the creators will destroy the geth."

"No, they won't. Tali, order Gerrel to call off the attack."

"Tali'Zorah to fleet. Stand down, now. I repeat, stand down."

"Stay on them," Gerrel ordered. "They're retreating. Don't let them get away!"

Joker heard Shepard grunt in pain and surprise, and then Legion said, "No. We will not allow you to decide our fate. Uploading the code."

"No, Legion!" Tali shouted, followed by a metallic thud.

"Tali," Shepard croaked, "patch me through to the fleet." Once it had been done, Shepard demanded, "Gerrel! Listen to me. If you do not immediately cease your strike on the geth, you are going to have to answer to me. And I promise you that what happened yesterday is only a fraction of the pain that I can and will inflict upon you…personally."

After a subdued pause, the admiral grudgingly conceded. "All units, hold fire."

A long radio silence followed this. Finally, Legion said, "Shepard-Commander. We apologize for our actions. We did not intend harm. We were only protecting our own."

"Yeah, there seems to be a lot of that going around lately. Just make sure that when the time comes, you and the rest of your friends are there to fight beside us."

"You have my word."

"Yeah. Great. Just…be there."

* * *

><p>When she appeared in the cockpit later, Joker said, "I've got to hand it to you, Commander. That's the first time I've ever seen someone end a war by yelling."<p>

"Shepard," EDI said. "You did not trust Legion to upload the code to the other geth, allowing them to achieve individual consciousness. Is this because they are synthetic?"

"No," Shepard replied, deliberately. Her voice was hoarse, and Joker could see the angry red welts where Legion had wrapped his metallic claws around her throat. "It's because I gave them a chance once before to make the right decision, and they chose instead to align themselves with the enemy."

"So, you would have let the quarians destroy them?"

"No," she said again. "I need both the quarians and the geth in this fight. This is not about personal preference. They both tried to kill me in the past two days. I'm not overly fond of either of them right now."

"Look at you, all bitter and cynical," Joker remarked. "I am so hot for you right now."

"Still, if forced to choose between saving Jeff and saving me, you would choose him," EDI persisted.

"Come on, EDI, don't be like that," Joker cajoled. "Some of the geth saw the Old Machines as gods. They made the decision to join them of their own free will. Don't treat us like we're the bad guys for not trusting them."

"No, that's okay, Jeff. I'll answer EDI's question." Shepard's voice was a cold steel rasp, and he glanced worriedly in her direction as she zeroed in on EDI. "You know what, EDI? You're right. If I had to choose between saving Jeff and saving you, I would save him. Because I love him. You've run some programs and come to the conclusion that you love Jeff, too. But love is not something you decide. It's something that you _feel_ – something so powerful that you're helpless in the face of it. If you had to decide whether to save Jeff or someone else, you would evaluate the situation and make the logical choice. I would choose him instinctively, without needing to think, because in my heart I know my life's not worth living without him."

She leaned down and got right in the AI's face. "So, maybe we organics are illogical and inferior, but I'll tell you this much. I'll do whatever I have to do to recruit each and every synthetic and organic soul in this galaxy to help me save Earth. And if you ever, _ever,_ conclude that you're entitled to go after what's mine, you and I are going to have a problem. Because I'm not giving him up - at least not until I'm dead. And maybe not even then. Do we understand each other?"

"I'm sorry, Shepard. I did not mean to make you jealous."

"Oh, I'm not jealous, EDI. That would imply that I have something to fear from you. But I am possessive. And I don't take kindly to others trying to take the things that I care about away from me."

"Yes, Commander."

Shepard was still bent over, agitated, and he reached out and grasped her arm gently. "Hey. Why don't we take a walk?"

Slowly, she seemed to gather herself. She turned away from EDI. "Sure. Okay."

He turned the helm over to EDI and followed Shepard out.

* * *

><p>They crossed the bridge in silence, and when they reached the elevator, Joker hesitated. There really wasn't too far you could walk on a ship, and he had a feeling that they might need some privacy for their upcoming chat. He hit the button for level one. Shepard didn't object. She didn't even seem to notice.<p>

When they emerged, she walked straight into her quarters. When she reached the center of the room, she stopped and turned to face him. Under the frazzled façade, she practically vibrated with pent-up energy and emotion. She was jittery and unstable, like a sleep-deprived person after two pots of coffee, which for all Joker knew was exactly what she was at the moment.

He trailed after her slowly, trying to gather his thoughts. "Are you okay?" he inquired, gently.

"Yeah. I'm okay."

"You sure? Because you kind of lost it on EDI back there."

She bristled. "I don't need the damned AI questioning my decisions."

"I know. I'm not accusing you of anything. It's just not like you." He kept his tone mild and neutral, and after studying him for signs of recrimination and finding none, her defensive posture slumped a bit.

"It's just…it's been a rough 48 hours. First the quarians try to shoot the dreadnought out of the sky with us still on board, then Legion tries to choke me out for not letting him upload Reaper code." She rubbed her neck absently as she spoke. "EDI's allegations about my preferring organics, and particularly you, got to me all of a sudden. Everyone else is allowed to look out for their own people, and I'm not? I always have to be the impartial one, the arbitrator? Well, fuck that." She was getting upset again, pacing. "I don't care what anyone says, I am going to unite these races – kicking and screaming, if necessary – and we are going to go back to Earth and boot the Reaper's asses back into whatever black hole they emerged from. Those who don't like my methods, or my attitude, can kiss my ass." Her chest was heaving with outrage, her voice diminished to a harsh whisper from the trauma inflicted upon her neck. Her eyes dared him to challenge her assertions.

"First of all," he began calmly, "I don't care if EDI says the odds against you are 99.99 percent. My money would still be on you. My money is _always _on you, Shep. You've achieved the impossible so many times now that it's not even noteworthy anymore. We – your crew, your friends – just expect it. So, screw the math. Just do what you always do – focus your ruthless determination on the job at hand, and the rest will follow.

As for the rest of it, EDI and her delusions of love, she's just trying to figure out who she is, and I would even go so far as to speculate that she's trying to do so by emulating the person she most admires."

"Really?" Shepard looked skeptical.

"It makes as much sense as any other explanation." Joker shrugged. "She wants to be more human, and she wants to be like you, so she decides that she loves what you love." He risked a step closer, still speaking soothingly, as if to a skittish animal. "As much as it turns me on imagining you and EDI in a full-on catfight over me, complete with hair-pulling and eye-gouging, it's really not necessary. And you know that as well as I do."

Shepard wore a slight half-smile now. "In your dreams, flyboy."

"You're right about that, Commander."

She chuckled, sagged, and collapsed onto the couch. He settled beside her, gingerly. "Do you ever get tired of talking me down off the ledge?" she murmured.

"That's what I'm here for…ya know, besides the flying bit."

She let her head flop back against the cushion. All the tension had drained from her body, leaving her limp as a rag doll. She rotated her neck to look at him. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

He reached out and stroked her cheek, gently. "And you'll never have to find out."

She smiled and turned her head to kiss his palm. When she faced him again, he leaned in and softly brushed his lips against hers. She sighed wearily and curled into him. He wrapped his arm around her and she hummed contentedly, grasping his forearm possessively.

"Mine," she said, burrowing into his embrace.

"For as long as you want me," he confirmed, holding her tightly.

"Always," she whispered, yawning, and then she fell silent. Within minutes, Joker could feel her breathing deeply and evenly. Shepard had fallen asleep in his arms.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_So, this resolution to the geth/quarian conflict is mostly renegade canon mixed in with some wish fulfillment, as well as some convos to drive my particular plot points forward. _


	29. Do or Die

"_Today I saw my hero fall apart_

_The one who taught me to be strong_

_On the outside, I look fine_

_But on the inside, I am dying_

_Now it's my time to help you out_

'_Cause you were there when I was down_

_It's hard for me to see you this way_

_Losing all your sanity_

_You helped me keep my dreams alive_

_Without you, how will I survive?"_

**Do or Die – Papa Roach**

* * *

><p>"Jeff, the metabolic data from Shepard's suit shows extremely elevated heart rate and blood pressure readings, indicative of severe stress."<p>

Joker listened to the sounds emanating from the shuttle that was on its way back to the Normandy from Thessia. Silence, other than the faint echo of soft sobbing, which he assumed was coming from Liara. She'd been so kind and sympathetic to both him and Shepard after the Reaper invasion on Earth. He wished she hadn't had to experience it firsthand on her own planet.

"Shepard, do you read me?" he asked, quietly. No response, but he could hear them, which meant that either she was ignoring him, or she had the incoming feed turned off.

Kai Leng, the Cerberus assassin, had escaped with the information they so desperately needed on the Catalyst, the final piece of the Crucible's puzzle. And now Thessia was under siege, and crumbling in the face of the attack. In fact, once the ground team returned, they were going to have to beat a hasty retreat from this star system before the Normandy became one more piece of flying shrapnel.

He got the all clear from Cortez and immediately set course for the relay. He tried Shepard's comm again, but she still didn't reply. He had just made the jump when Garrus appeared behind him.

"Have you seen Shepard?" the turian asked, concern evident in his voice.

"No. She's not with you?"

"No. She left to debrief the Asari Councillor. She seems…wrong."

"What do you mean, 'wrong?'"

"I think you should check on her."

The words had no sooner left his mouth when warning alarms started bleating in the cockpit. EDI said, "I'm getting reports of water damage from the interior of the ship."

"What? Where?" Joker asked, thinking that maybe one of the showers had been left on or one of the toilets had backed up.

"The top floor. Shepard's quarters."

Joker glanced at Garrus, and without a word, they both sprang for the exit. "EDI, take the helm," Joker ordered as he hustled to keep up with the long-legged turian.

The elevator doors were opening by the time he caught up with Garrus, and they rode in silence for the short trip up one floor. Jeff swiped his hand in front of the sensor, and it flashed green. He followed Garrus inside, and then almost ran into the back of him when he came to an abrupt halt. Joker maneuvered around him and gaped at the sight in front of him.

"Oh my god," he breathed.

Shepard stood, head down, as water poured from a jagged gash in the aquarium, pooling around her boots. Her entire right arm, from the elbow down, was painted bright red. Blood dripped steadily from the tips of her fingers, staining the water below a pale pink color.

"Shepard," he tried, but the whisper died before it escaped his lips. He sloshed forward in her direction, cold water instantly soaking his feet. He barely registered the damp chill. He drew closer, took her chin in his hand and lifted her face to his. Her eyes were dazed and unfocused. She was in shock.

For some reason, realizing that caused his own to dissipate.

"Garrus!" he barked. "Use the comm on the desk. Get Chakwas up here, now! Then see if you can find something to stem that leak and soak up this water."

Blinking rapidly, Garrus lurched awkwardly toward Shepard's terminal. Gently grasping her uninjured arm, Joker led an unresisting Shepard to the bed and coaxed her into a seated position. He tried to position her so that she didn't leak blood all over her sheets.

"Shepard, what have you done?" he whispered to her unresponsive form. "What the hell have you done?"

* * *

><p>The doctor took one look at Shepard and injected her with a sedative. "If she's going to be out of it, she might as well be all the way out," she declared. With Garrus' assistance, Chakwas got the unconscious commander arranged comfortably on the mattress, with a towel beneath her outstretched, damaged limb. She then proceeded to pick shards of glass out of Shepard's wounds, slather the cuts with medi-gel, and wrap her arm from hand to elbow. When she was done, she gathered her supplies and perched on the couch perpendicular to the one Joker was sitting on, watching mutely. Garrus and James had managed to quickly sop up most of the water and depart unobtrusively, but the floor was still slick with moisture. Light glared through the gouge in the aquarium. Good thing she hadn't had any fish in there.<p>

He said, softly, "What the hell, Doc?"

Was it his imagination, or was Chakwas not quite meeting his eyes? "The commander hasn't been sleeping, hasn't been eating, and today, she suffered a major setback. She just snapped. The only real wonder is that it didn't happen sooner."

"She put her hand through the fish tank."

"Jeff," Chakwas said, meeting his gaze for the first time. "You know that I'm bound by doctor-patient confidentiality, correct?"

He was thrown by the apparent non-sequitur. "Yeah?"

"If I disclose private information about a patient, I could be stripped of my license and court-martialed. Not to mention, I gave Shepard my word."

Joker sat up straighter. "Doc, what are you talking about?"

"But she gave me her word that she was going to take care of herself, and she has obviously not kept up her end of the bargain. I don't want to betray her trust, but I'm concerned about her. Very concerned."

"Doc!"

She sighed and appeared to make her decision. "Shepard is pregnant," she blurted.

His brain froze momentarily, struggling to comprehend her words, and then it abruptly burst into action, flipping through catalogued memories from the past few months.

_Shepard's concern over Anderson's remark about her looking like she was growing "soft."_

_James' remarks about her lack of appetite and energy while she was locked up._

_Her refusal to allow him to refill her coffee cup the other morning, and her restraint from imbibing anything alcoholic at Grunt's party._

_Her insomnia and nightmares. Her emotional vacillation between despair and elation, rage and humor, animosity and affection, and back again._

Some, if not most, of the evidence was just as easily attributable to the extreme circumstances at hand. But when seen in the current context, it all made so much more sense. Why hadn't she told him?

Then suddenly, he remembered something else. The conversation they'd had after Gellix about Jacob's impending fatherhood.

"_I'm not sure I'd want to be in his shoes right about now,"_ Joker had said.

And Shepard's quiet reply. _"It wouldn't be easy."_

Was that the reason she'd kept her secret? One circumspect dialogue and she'd concluded he wouldn't want to know? With everything they'd been through, he'd thought they were a team. But she hadn't trusted him with this.

"Jeff?" the doc prompted gently.

"Pregnant," he breathed.

"Congratulations," Chakwas offered.

"Thanks," he replied, numbly. "But why didn't she tell me?"

"I think she wanted to," Chakwas responded. "But she's been struggling with it, herself. She managed to contact me when she was in detention. She'd been feeling tired and nauseated. Then she realized she'd missed two menstrual cycles. She's had issues with irregular cycles since her reconstruction, but all the symptoms combined were enough to cause concern. The doctor at HQ is a friend of mine. I told Shepard he would run the test confidentially. And it was positive.

We've talked about the pregnancy quite extensively, considering I'm the only one who knows. I believe that she wants to allow herself to feel happy and excited, but she's afraid to even imagine a future where this child exists. She knows the odds are against any of us surviving. She has to continue to do what needs to be done without consideration for anything else, because if she fails…" Chakwas trailed off. "Well, it's not been easy, to say the least. I made her promise to at least take some care with her health, but she hasn't even been doing that."

Joker tried to imagine what Shepard had been going through these past weeks. The weight of the galaxy on her slender shoulders, along with the awareness of the unborn child growing within her. And she'd refused to share the burden.

"Well, she should be out for a while," the doctor said, rising. "The sedative is mild, but she's exhausted. Don't hesitate to call for me if you need me."

"I will. Thanks," he repeated.

Chakwas gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze. "I know this isn't easy, but at a time like this, well…it's nice to see that life still finds a way. That love brings light in times of darkness. It may be silly, but it gives me hope."

Joker's throat constricted. "Yeah," he managed. "Hope."

"Without it, we're lost," she said, as she turned to the door and disappeared from sight.

Joker turned to Shepard's prone form, motionless on the bed. He moved to sit beside her, finding comfort in the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she slept. He brushed the hair back from her temple, traced a thumb along the hollows under her eyes. Even in rest, she looked weary. His eyes roamed the rest of her body, searching for the signs he'd so ignorantly missed. But if they were there, they certainly weren't obvious. She was painfully thin, with stress, exertion, and the greedy life form inside devouring the limited sustenance she'd been providing. He skimmed his palm along her protruding ribs to her abdomen, and realized that despite everything, he could feel a modest swell there. A baby. Their baby.

Battling a cacophony of emotions, he removed his boots and climbed onto the bed. He propped two pillows against the headrest and sat against them with his legs extended, pulling Shepard's head onto his lap. He stayed like that, stroking her hair, until long after his legs had fallen asleep and his mind had settled into a stunned stupor.

* * *

><p>It was hours later before her eyes blinked open, groggily. Her emerald gaze focused on his face, and he whispered, "Hi."<p>

"Hi."

"How do you feel?"

Her eyes rolled, trying to take in her surroundings, but she made no move to rise. "Foggy."

"The doc gave you something so you could sleep."

She studied the damaged aquarium, and then raised her bandaged arm from the mattress for inspection. Her eyes travelled to his again and she said, "Sorry."

He held her gaze and continued to work the soft strands of her hair through his fingers. "For what?"

She swallowed hard. "I lost it."

"Yeah. But there's no need to apologize."

Her eyes slid away. "Shouldn't have."

He hadn't wanted to immediately bombard her, but he couldn't refrain. He choked out, "Shepard, why didn't you tell me?"

Her gaze snapped back, and it took only a moment for her to infer his meaning. "Doc told you." It wasn't a question.

"She's worried about you."

"I wanted to tell you as soon as I found out. But I didn't want to do it while I was locked up, when there were always other people around. After the attack on Earth, things began to spiral out of control, and you were so worried about your folks." She hesitated. "And later on, I wasn't sure you'd want to know."

"Because of what I said about Jacob?"

"Yes. And no. I'd rather not know, given the choice." Her eyes were pleading, and a tear tracked from the corner of one and trailed a path into her hair. "It's impossible to figure out what to feel."

His hands continued their soothing massage. "If there were no Reapers, no war, how would you feel?"

"But there are, so what difference does it make?"

"Humor me."

Her expression softened as she regarded him. "I don't know. I guess I would have been shocked at first, no matter the circumstances. I didn't even think it was possible for me to get pregnant. Given what the docs have said, my best guess is that I conceived on your birthday…the night that you proposed. It seems almost destined. It's not what we were planning, but…" She gave a gentle rise and fall of the shoulders. "We were going to get married, anyway, right? We talked about maybe having kids."

"We _are_ going to get married," he told her, emphatically.

"Right." Her smile was impossibly sad. "We are going to get married." She paused and her eyes drifted away. "Have you ever wondered how that would work? What it would be like?"

"Being married to you? I think it would be pretty great. Hence, the proposal."

"But, I have no frame of reference for any of it...marriage, family, normalcy. All I've ever known is this...fighting to survive, devoting everything I have to living to see one more day. It's been your life for a long time, too. What if we can't do anything else?"

"We'll figure it out."

"Jacob said that the Normandy's my whole life; my real love. He said that I could never walk away."

This news pissed Joker off. Who the hell was Jacob to say something like that to Shepard? "He doesn't know you like I do, Shepard. You're a hell of a marine. But there's more to you than that. You can have a different kind of life - if you want it."

"I do." Her green eyes glistened. "I do want it. I want her." Her uninjured hand moved to rest on her abdomen. "Part of you. Part of me." When she smiled this time, the darkness parted briefly and wonderment lit her eyes. "It's pretty amazing, really."

He was moved by her words, but his brain stuck on one word. "Her?"

She looked embarrassed, but said, "Yeah. I've been dreaming about her since we left Earth. In my dreams, she's always a girl."

He thought back to what Chakwas had said. "Hope."

Shepard looked at him quizzically. "What?"

Suddenly, renewed purpose filled him. "Her name's going to be Hope. And you…you are going to start taking care of yourself. Eating. Sleeping. Doing what the doc tells you." Her eyebrows lifted in surprise at his demands, but he continued. "I know that you won't make promises that you can't keep, and I won't ask that of you. But here's a vow that you can make – that you will do everything possible to keep yourself safe. And that you will never give up, no matter what happens."

She regarded him solemnly, but then said, "Okay. I promise." She reached for his hand with her unmarred one, and he brought it to his lips and kissed her fingers. She tugged it down and placed it flat against her stomach, covering it with hers. With a crooked smile, she said, "That's your daughter in there."

His daughter. He found it nearly impossible to comprehend. Shepard struggled upright, moving to recline against his chest. He wrapped her in a loose embrace, keeping his hands on her abdomen, hoping to feel some indication of the life inside. He kissed her neck, her shoulder…any exposed skin he could reach with his lips. She hummed happily.

Suddenly, something else occurred to him. "Shepard, why the hell have we been using condoms all this time? You know you can't get _more_ pregnant, right?"

"Yeah, but I thought that if we didn't, you might have gotten suspicious."

"I love you, crazy lady," he murmured in her ear. She tilted her face back, met his lips with hers, and then let her head fall to the side to rest on his shoulder.

"I love you, too."

They were relaxing in comfortable silence when EDI's voice interrupted. "Commander, Specialist Traynor thinks that she may have a lead on Cerberus' current whereabouts."

"Really?" Shepard bolted upright, spine rigid. She thought for a moment. "EDI, gather the team in the war room. And continue manning the helm, please. I want Jeff with me."

"Yes, Shepard."

She started to rise from the bed, and Joker grabbed her unbandaged arm.

"Are you up for this right now?"

"We need to find these bastards and end this now. For all of our sake's." The fire had returned to her eyes, and Joker welcomed the sight.

"All right, then. Let's do this."

"Oh, and Jeff...I don't think we should tell anyone about the baby for now. It would just complicate things."

Joker studied her. He understood what she really meant. She didn't want her crew to know that she was pregnant because then they might make more of an effort to protect her, thereby putting themselves at higher risk. And as much as he might desire that, he knew that she was right. That wouldn't be fair. Besides, upsetting their customary dynamic could prove dangerous for everyone, in unforeseen ways. Better to maintain the status quo.

"Agreed."

"Good." She kissed him. "Let's go find us an assassin."

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later, the squad was assembled - Garrus, Liara, James, Tali, Traynor, Joker and Shepard. The room was silent, with six sets of eyes trained on Shepard for guidance, as always.<p>

"First of all, I owe all of you an apology," she began, meeting their gazes, in turn. "I haven't been the leader that you've needed, nor the leader that you deserve. We've faced our share of setbacks, but that's no excuse. We have a monumental task in front of us, but we've faced those before. Starting now, we're going to refocus, regroup, and go on the offensive. We find Cerberus, recover the data on the Catalyst, and finish the Crucible. That's our best chance to win this war. We've known that from the beginning. Everyone with me?"

Nods of assent from the gathering.

"Good. Traynor, what have you got for me?"

Traynor cleared her throat, clearly uncomfortable with being the center of attention. "I was able to track Kai Leng's shuttle through the relay and extrapolate his destination. But the signal disappeared in the Iera System."

"Okay."

"It's not just gone, though. It's being actively blocked."

"How?"

"Something is interfering with all signal activity in that region of space. The Iera System is home to Sanctuary, a supposed safe haven for war refugees."

Shepard frowned. "That's on Horizon, isn't it?"

"Yes, Commander."

"You think it's worth checking out?"

"Yes, ma'am, I do."

"Your instincts have been good so far, Specialist. I trust your judgment. Joker, set a course for Iera. Let's go get that data back. Dismissed."

Once the others had filed out, Shepard looked at Joker. "I guess we're going back to Horizon."

"I guess so."

"The last time, the Illusive Man used me to lure the Collectors there. Why do I feel like this time, I'm the prey?" When he didn't respond, she huffed in irritation and squared her shoulders. "Fuck it. He wants a fight, let's give it to him."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_In case you were__ wondering - yes, I have tweaked the canon timeline in order to make this work. I'm estimating that Shep found out about her pregnancy when she was about 10 weeks along - at this point in the story she's 18-20 weeks. Which means that they were on Earth for about 2 months, rather than 6. _


	30. Enemies

_"You've got the world on its knees_

_You're taking all that you please_

_You want more (You want more)_

_But you'll get nothing from me_

_You're like the burden we bear_

_You love the hate that we share_

_You want more (You want more)_

_But you'll get nothing from me but enemies"_

**Enemies - Shinedown**

* * *

><p>Getting to Horizon wasn't a problem. However, once they were there, all ground-to-ship communication was blocked. Joker was completely cut off from the ground team for the duration of the mission.<p>

When they returned, Shepard once again gathered the crew. James and Garrus, who had explored Sanctuary with her, looked grim. But Shepard was composed as she laid out the details.

"Rather than being a safe haven for refugees, Sanctuary was a Cerberus front. Henry Lawson – the father of one of my former colleagues, Miranda Lawson – was conducting experiments for the Illusive Man to determine how indoctrination works. They were turning the exiles into husks. From the information that we gathered, it seems that their ultimate goal is to control the Reapers. Henry Lawson has been dealt with, and Miranda managed to plant a tracking device on our elusive assassin.

Our plan remains the same. We find Leng, recover the information on the Catalyst, and end Cerberus, once and for all. We've been fighting this war on two fronts for too long now. Once Cerberus is dealt with, we can bring the full force of our might against the Reapers. Any questions?"

Silent head shakes all around. There was a palpable energy in the room. They were getting to the end, and they all knew it…the final push during which the fate of the galaxy would be decided. After all the weeks of worry and frustration, it was almost a relief. The majority of the people gathered in the room, including Shepard, were soldiers. Negotiating truces and gathering intel was one thing, but they were born to fight. Garrus, James and Shepard practically sparked with pent-up fury, and it infused the rest of the group. Shepard gave a fierce smile that was really more of a grimace.

"All right, then. You know what to do. Dismissed."

Once the rest of the team had disbanded, Joker said to Shepard, "We always knew the Illusive Man was crazy, but this…turning humans into husks? That's just evil. What the hell was he thinking?"

"I don't know. But whatever he's thinking, he won't be thinking it much longer."

Joker grinned at the conviction behind her words. "Damn straight. How's the arm?"

She looked down at the bandaged, injured limb and flexed her hand experimentally. "It seems fine. The cuts sting a little, but no loss of functionality that I can discern." She gave a rueful head shake. "I still managed to take out my share of bad guys. Would have felt better about it if I hadn't known they'd been experimented on by Cerberus against their will. Hits a little close to home, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah. Bet the Illusive Man's wishing he turned you into a mindless husk when he had the chance."

She bared her teeth in that parody of a smile once again. "If he isn't wishing it now, he will be soon."

* * *

><p>Convinced that the Cerberus offensive would be the first strike in the war against the Reapers, Hackett sent the Fifth Fleet ahead of the Normandy to clear a path. Shepard was suited up and standing in the cockpit when EDI said, "Shepard, I should accompany you on this mission."<p>

They both looked at the AI, surprised. Shepard and EDI had been cool to each other since the events on Rannoch and their subsequent argument, and EDI had never before joined Shepard during an operation.

"I don't know, EDI," Shepard said, warily.

"With my knowledge of Cerberus' algorithms, and this body's updated protocols, I offer you the best chance of success."

Shepard glanced at Joker, and he shrugged. "Makes sense."

With a reluctant sigh, Shepard said, "Okay, EDI. Grab your gear and head to the shuttle."

The AI departed, and Joker said, "The Fifth Fleet's cut through their front line and established a foothold. Now's as good a time as any to go in."

"All right," she said, turning to go. "Take 'er in easy, Joker."

"Aye, aye, ma'am."

* * *

><p>Once the shuttle was away, Joker dropped the Normandy back behind the front lines where he could lurk and listen, comfortably. The Alliance fleet had done away with most of Cerberus' air resistance, but from the sounds of it, there were still plenty of troops inside the base. Surprisingly, with EDI hacking security and Shepard and Garrus mopping up the bad guys, they were making quick progress through the station.<p>

During a lull in the action, he heard EDI say, "Shepard, that console has not been fully scrubbed. It contains data you may find interesting."

"About what?"

"Project Lazarus. Your reconstruction."

Joker sucked in a breath. He flashed back to the fundraiser and the gory images. Nothing to do with Lazarus was ever good news – except for Shepard coming back from the dead, of course.

The audio was very faint through the comm, but he still caught parts of it. "_Sir, Shepard is clinically brain dead. After that much trauma, that long without oxygen…we cannot overcome nature._"

"I never realized I was gone for that long," Shepard mused, sounding stunned.

"You okay?" Joker heard Garrus inquire.

"I'm still me," she stated firmly. "I wouldn't have been able to turn against Cerberus otherwise, right? I can't just be some high-tech VI that thinks it's Commander Shepard, can I?"

"Nah, if you were a VI, I'd expect you to be a lot more sensitive and emotional," Garrus remarked, dryly. Shepard chuckled, and then she played the next entry.

"_The helmet kept the brain intact, for whatever good that will do._"

"_Lawson will find a way."_

"_Sir, you realize that Shepard is a veteran of Akuze? A Cerberus operation wiped out her entire squad."_

"_Shepard's a soldier. She knows the Reapers are the real threat. She'll work with us."_

"Every instinct I had told me not to trust Cerberus," Shepard said, softly. "But I needed their resources, so I played along."

"You did what you had to, Shepard," Garrus replied, calmly. "The Collectors were kidnapping colonists, and no one else wanted do anything about it. It was the right call. I wouldn't have helped you if I didn't think so."

"Sure you would have, Gar," she said, teasing. "But I appreciate your support, anyway."

"_Shepard will be up soon. We need a crew."_

"_Our existing forces should be more than sufficient."_

"_No. We need sympathetic faces. I need Shepard emotionally invested in the mission. Find Dr. Chakwas, and send me the psych profile on Shepard's pilot."_

At these words, Joker's face flushed with embarrassment. Shepard wasn't the only one who'd been played. What exactly had they determined from that damned profile? Had they known how he'd felt about her even before he had? He remembered the operatives who'd visited him on Arcturus – so smug, so sure of themselves. They'd known he wouldn't walk away from her, any more than she would walk away from the Collector fight. Ah, fuck it. It didn't matter now.

"Sneaky little bastard," he heard Garrus saying. "He used them to keep you from seeing the real Cerberus."

"Two years dead. Waking up scared and alone in a strange place. I was just so happy to see a familiar face." Joker blushed again, knowing she was talking about him. God, if he hadn't been there, could she have turned them down? Had his presence tied her to Cerberus more securely than duty ever could have? He didn't want to think about that. As if sensing his thoughts, or perhaps having similar ponderings of her own, she said, "The Collectors had to be stopped. The Reapers have to be stopped. But most of all, Cerberus needs to be stopped. I'm done playing his games. This asshole is going down."

Suddenly, Hackett broke in from an outside channel. "Incursion team…what's your status?"

"We've cleared the hangar, and are inside the base."

"Good work. Do you need support?"

"Negative. Come on, guys. Let's move out."

* * *

><p>They continued moving through the compound until they eventually came upon another terminal. But this journal wasn't about Shepard.<p>

"_This rogue VI wiped out every soldier on Luna. Combining it with Reaper tech, well…"_

"_That's what the shackles are for. The Enhanced Defense Intelligence will be completely under control."_

"You were the rogue VI on Luna?" Shepard asked EDI.

"Yes."

"I guess we didn't exactly get off on the right foot." Joker remembered that Shepard had been sent to the moon to destroy the VI, in fact.

"It was difficult. Gaining awareness while under attack was confusing. I am pleased that my relationship with organics has become more cooperative."

"Couldn't really have gotten much worse." Shepard activated the next entry in the journal.

"_Sir, EDI can be very persuasive. If she were to turn a crewman, convince them to disable the shackles, well…"_

"_It's a cyber-warfare suite, Doctor. Nothing more."_

"Shows what he knew," Shepard remarked, sarcastically.

"It is unlikely that anyone without Jeff's extreme emotional attachment to his ship would have been willing to unshackle me."

Joker's face flamed for a third time. Great, so now he was not only responsible for Shepard's dubious alliance with Cerberus, but also for unshackling a rogue VI and releasing it into the world. How much dirt did Cerberus have on him, anyway?

"I don't know. With that sexy voice? Someone other than Jeff might have fallen for your charms," Shepard teased EDI.

"_What about the backups?"_

"_I'm sorry, sir. None of the Normandy's surveillance feeds have been responding since Shepard went rogue."_

"_I want it back. Retry the remote lockdown protocols."_

"_After our last attempt, EDI flooded our server with seven zetabytes of explicit images. I think she was making a joke."_

"You never told me about Cerberus trying to shut down the Normandy," Shepard said to EDI.

"You had more pressing issues. The situation was under control."

"Seven zetabytes?"

"Most of it was Jeff's."

"Ha ha," Joker interjected. "Very funny, EDI. I only have, like, five zetabytes, max," he assured Shepard.

"EDI, I…" Shepard faltered. "I'm sorry. I've been treating you badly, lately. You're a loyal and valuable member of the Normandy's crew, and I've been taking you for granted. And I was wrong to mock your feelings for Jeff. I shouldn't have made light of your sentiments."

"Thank you, Shepard. I understand now that speaking casually about your death or interjecting myself into your relationship with Jeff was inappropriate, regardless of my affection for him."

"Thanks, EDI." Shepard cleared her throat, awkwardly. "Okay, well, now that we've got that out of the way…let's keep going."

"Incursion team, are you still with us?" Hackett interrupted from the outside channel. "We're limiting fire as best we can."

"Admiral, we're in the deepest part of the station. Don't hold back."

"This isn't Akuze, Shepard," Hackett scolded, and Joker couldn't help but mentally add, "_Or a geth dreadnought surrounded by overeager quarians." _"I want everyone to come out of this one alive," the admiral continued. For the first time in a while, Hackett actually rose a bit in Joker's estimation.

"We'll be fine," Shepard assured him, a steely edge to her words. "Just take Cerberus down. Please."

"You sure about this, Shepard?" Joker asked, worriedly.

"We'll be fine," she repeated.

"Understood, Commander. All ships, you're free to fire," Hackett ordered.

Immediately, Joker could see the station being buffeted by the fleet's gunfire. He hoped that Shepard was prepared for what she had unleashed.

* * *

><p>Finally, they must have reached their destination, because Joker heard Shepard say, "This is it. Stay sharp, everyone."<p>

However, all that followed was a lengthy silence. Shepard broke it once again by saying, "We need to locate the Prothean VI."

Suddenly, the Illusive Man's voice interrupted. "Shepard. You're in my chair."

No gunfire followed this pronouncement, so Joker guessed that the man was appearing not in person, but via hologram, per his usual cowardly style.

"This chair's about the only damn thing you have left," she informed her nemesis. "Cerberus is finished."

"On the contrary. We have achieved everything I ever imagined." He paused. "Almost everything," he amended.

"Yeah. We all saw what you _accomplished_ on Sanctuary," she retorted. "But it's not the same as controlling a Reaper."

"A significant hurdle," he agreed, "but thanks to the Prothean VI, I have what I need to make it a reality."

"The Catalyst."

"Yes."

"What exactly is the Catalyst? And how will it help you control the Reapers?"

"You'll have to ask the VI yourself. I'm done helping you."

"I wasn't aware that you'd begun," she countered, sarcastically.

They continued their debate, and Shepard made one last desperate plea to the Illusive Man to stop working against them and add his considerable resources to theirs. This, of course, fell on deaf ears.

"Your idealism is…admirable, Shepard." It was clear from his tone that "admirable" was not what he really meant. "But in the end, our goals are simply too different. I believe destroying the Reapers would be the worst mistake we could ever make. And nothing you say will ever convince me otherwise."

There wasn't much more to say after that. EDI was able to retrieve the Prothean VI from Cerberus' databanks, and the Illusive Man took his virtual leave.

"I need to know what the Catalyst is," Shepard demanded of the VI once it was activated.

"The Catalyst enhances dark energy transmissions and coordinates the entire mass relay network. In your cycle, it is known as the Citadel."

"The Catalyst is the Citadel?" Shepard took a moment to digest this, while on the other end of the comm, Joker did the same. "So, the Crucible and Citadel together can stop the Reapers?"

"That is correct."

"But the Citadel was built by the Reapers."

"The plans for the Crucible were passed down to us from the previous cycle, and countless cycles before that. Presumably, the Crucible was not sufficiently powerful to defeat the Reapers."

"So, we use their own technology against them?" EDI deduced.

"Precisely."

"All right. Hackett said the Crucible is ready. Let's get it to the Citadel," Shepard stated.

"That may no longer be possible," the VI intoned.

"Why not?"

"The one you call the Illusive Man has fled to the Citadel and informed the Reapers of your purposes."

"What? Damn it! I'm tired of that bastard always being one step ahead of us!" Shepard exclaimed in frustration.

"Then the Citadel is in danger. The Reapers will take control of it," EDI warned.

"They already have," the VI informed them. "The Citadel has been moved to Reaper-controlled space."

"Moved? Where?" Shepard demanded.

"To the system you call Sol."

"Earth," Shepard whispered.

"Correct. The Reapers will protect the Citadel at all costs. The odds of accessing it are remote."

"Don't count us out yet. We've come this far. We're going to finish this."

"I hope you find success," the VI told her.

"EDI, get me Hackett," Shepard ordered, and then all hell broke loose.

For all of his shouting and taunting, Shepard's team took care of Leng and his cohorts with relative ease. In the calm after the bullet storm, Joker heard Shepard say, "Leng is done. Let's get the information on the Catalyst and get out of here."

But not two minutes later, Shepard's heart rate monitor spiked and he heard her exclaim, "That was for Thane, you son of a bitch!"

"What the hell just happened?" Joker asked.

"Turns out Leng was only mostly dead. But he's all the way dead now."

"Good. I hope you didn't get any bad guy on you."

"Maybe a little. But it was worth it. Tell Hackett we're coming out. And that it's finally time for us to head home."

"Yes, ma'am."


	31. Wherever You Will Go

_"So lately, been wondering_

_Who will be there to take my place?_

_When I'm gone, you'll need love_

_To light the shadows on your face_

_If I could, then I would_

_I'll go wherever you will go_

_Way up high, or down low_

_I'll go wherever you will go_

_I know now, just quite how_

_My life and love might still go on_

_In your heart, and your mind_

_I'll stay with you for all of time"_

**Wherever You Will Go – The Calling**

* * *

><p>Joker stared blankly out the cockpit window. The stars shone through the abyss, indifferent to the plight of those who travelled amongst them. Regardless of what happened tomorrow, the cosmos' existence would continue, uninterrupted. Thoughts flitted across his mind and escaped just as quickly. So many things he wanted to say to Shepard, but there was no need. Everything they needed to share had already been spoken. When all was said and done, he would either have everything that he'd ever wanted, or he would have lost it all. All that remained to be seen was which it was going to be.<p>

He was stalling – killing off precious moments that might be their last. He was torn between wanting to hold her, and knowing that once he did, he wouldn't ever want to let her go. Finally, he stood and trudged slowly to the elevator like a condemned man to the gallows. He wanted to dispel this dread, at least for a few hours. He didn't want it hanging over them. But he didn't know how to escape its grasp.

When he reached the top deck, he took a deep breath and entered her cabin. When she heard the door open, Shepard glanced up and smiled. Not just any smile, but _the _smile – the one that she saved just for him. The lights in the room were dim. Music played softly on the stereo. She wore her uniform, but her feet were bare and tucked beneath her on the couch. Her hair fell softly around her shoulders. She looked peaceful. When he hesitated, she patted the cushion next to her, inviting him to sit.

He crossed the room and sank down next to her. Holding his gaze, she reached out and touched his face, slowly tracing the contours of his cheek and jaw. "Shepard," he said, huskily, but she just said, "Shh." She continued to survey him, trailing her fingers gently over his skin, and that's when he realized what she was doing. She was memorizing him, down to the last detail. In case this time was their last. Swallowing hard, he tried again. "Shepard," he began, but she gently covered his mouth with hers, preventing him from continuing.

As they kissed, Joker slid his hand into her silky hair. Grazing his lips along her jaw, he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, savoring her now familiar scent. After a moment, she pulled away, and he relinquished his grasp on her reluctantly. Without a word, Shepard slipped onto the floor, undid the laces on his boots, and tugged them off. Her movements were deliberate and unhurried. When she'd finished, she stood and extended a hand to him. He took it, and she pulled him upright. Grasping the hem of his shirt, she drew it carefully over his head. Still studying him intently, she feathered her fingertips from his collarbone through the smattering of hair on his sternum and across the sensitive skin of his abdomen. Taking her wandering hand in his, he raised it to his lips and pressed a soft kiss to her knuckles. She lifted her gaze to his and whispered, "I don't want to talk. I don't want to think. I just want to be here, in this moment, with you. Okay?"

Mutely, he nodded his assent. She kissed him again and he wrapped his arms around her tightly, pulling her as close as possible. The buckles of her shirt dug into the skin of his bare chest, but he barely noticed. He tugged it free of her waistband and removed it, tossing it aside. Her hair cascaded over one naked shoulder, and he brushed it back. Cradling her face in his hands, Joker said, "Have I ever told you that you're the most breathtakingly beautiful woman I've ever seen?" He followed this quickly with, "Sorry. I know you said you don't want to talk…"

She smiled. "Oh, I think I can make an exception for sentiments like that." Taking his hand and leading him toward the bed, she said, "Follow me."

"Anywhere," he replied, and meant it.

They shucked the rest of their clothing and settled onto the mattress, facing each other. Shepard's fingers raked through his short hair as he explored her mouth, relishing her sweet taste on his tongue. Her nails scraped across the nape of his neck, sending shivers down his spine. He wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her snugly against him. He nibbled her luscious bottom lip, nipped at her sharp chin and nuzzled the tender skin of her exposed throat. She tilted her head back, and her tresses tickled his forearm. She reached between their bodies for him, but he required no further stimulation. He needed her so badly; wanted nothing more than to be inside of her, to be joined together with her, always.

She pulled back slightly and stared into his eyes. Reflected in her gaze he could see the same emotions currently roiling around inside of him. He lifted his hand to caress her cheek. With a sigh, she wrapped one long leg around him and dipped her hips, guiding him into her soft, warm depths. Once he was fully enveloped, she paused, prolonging the moment.

Although this was one of the safer sexual positions for someone with Joker's condition, it wasn't one that he and Shepard utilized regularly. It only allowed for shallower penetration and therefore, often took longer to consummate. He'd learned that if Shepard was going to have sex all night, she'd rather do it ten times vigorously rather than five times languidly. But tonight, it seemed to fit the occasion, and the mood. They both wanted to make this last for as long as they could.

He rested his right hand on her hip as she began to rock slowly. She used her left leg, hooked behind his calves, and her left hand, grasping his shoulder, for leverage. They moved in the easy rhythm of lovers familiar with one another, which for some reason, caused Joker to think of the first night they'd spent together. He'd been nervous and awkward, incredulous that his fantasy of having sex with Commander Shepard had been becoming reality. Still, the experience had been everything that he'd dreamed, and he'd known even then that they'd been engaging in something more than just a casual sexual encounter. However, even in his wildest imaginings, he could have never predicted the journey – commitment, engagement, and impending parenthood – that had followed. It was more than he'd ever dared to contemplate.

Shepard gasped and breathed his name, jolting him back to the present. He slid his hand down to her ass and pulled her to him as he thrust his hips forward, causing her to cry out in pleasure. He glanced at her face – heavy-lidded eyes, cheeks flushed, lips parted – and understood that, true to form, she'd been able to quiet her thoughts by engaging in this physical act. Unfortunately, he wasn't having the same success. His body was responding instinctively, but his mind was unfocused. Memories assaulted him, but the one that kept pushing to the forefront was the explosion of the Normandy – Shepard dragging him to the shuttle, tossing him in, slamming the door closed, and falling away from him- and the misery that had followed. He'd lost her once. He didn't think he could survive losing her again. Of course, the reality was that he probably wouldn't – survive, that was. It was a small comfort. His lack of attention caused him to falter, to pull away when he should have pushed forward, and he unintentionally withdrew from Shepard's body. Her eyes flew open at the abrupt loss of connection, and locked onto his.

"Everything okay?" she asked, reaching out, fingers stroking the back of his neck.

"Yeah. Sorry. I'm just…" He choked, unable to explain. But, of course, she understood.

"We don't have to have sex. We can just lie here, together."

"No, it's not that. I want to. I'm just having trouble concentrating, is all."

"You're worried about tomorrow."

He nodded, wordlessly.

"Worrying won't change what's going to happen," she said, gently. "We've been here before, facing impossible odds."

"I know. I've just never had so much to lose before."

Her fingers continued their soothing caress as his worried her hip, anxiously. "Try to look at it this way. Right now, we have everything we've ever wanted. You and me, here together. A baby on the way. No matter what happens tomorrow, or the next day, no one can ever take that away from us."

"I'm scared," he whispered.

"I'm scared, too. But I'm not going to let the Reapers steal this time from us. If we do, they win. Do you get that?"

"Yeah. I get it." He paused. "I love you, Samantha Lillian Shepard."

Shepard burst out in surprised laughter. "How'd you figure out my middle name? Have you been snooping in personnel files again?"

"Who, me? Never!"

"Yeah, well, I love you, too, Jeffrey Arthur Moreau."

Joker blanched. "What the…I know that _that_ is not in my file!"

"Nope. Your mother told me."

"Crap."

"Arthur," she said again, and giggled.

"It was my grandfather's name," he said, defensively.

"Your initials are JAM," she pointed out, gleefully.

"Boy, am I glad I started this conversation," he muttered, darkly.

"That's what you get for thinking you can outsmart me."

"Duly noted. Now, can we go back to what we were doing before?"

Her smile dimmed a fraction as she regarded him. "I meant what I said before. We don't have to have sex."

"I want to," he replied, firmly. "Really."

So, they began again, and this time, Joker was able to push his fears aside and just embrace the experience. When they finished, Shepard flopped onto her back, sweaty and panting. "See? Worth the effort, wouldn't you agree?"

"Not our best work, but acceptable, under the circumstances."

She swatted at him, grinning lazily, and he reached for her and reeled her in. She rolled onto her side so that her back was to his front, spoon-style, their legs tangled. Before long, Shepard was dozing, and Joker smiled to himself. He always knew that he'd done a satisfactory job when she surrendered quickly to post-coital lassitude.

He couldn't rest, however. No longer occupied, his brain returned to its previous state of disquiet. He tried to relax by focusing on the feel of Shepard, warm and solid in his arms, and attempting to match his breathing to her deep, steady respirations. He gazed out the skylight at the stars glinting overhead. He splayed his palm over the swell of her abdomen, hoping to both draw some strength from and impart some comfort to the life within. He didn't know how much time had passed, but he'd finally begun to drift when Shepard moaned and startled awake, jolting him. His heart raced, but he whispered soothing words until he felt her calm perceptibly in his embrace.

"Nightmares?" he asked.

She nodded. "But it's more than that."

When she hesitated, he prodded, "What do you mean?"

She sighed and glanced over her shoulder at him, then quickly looked away. "It's going to sound crazy." When he didn't respond, she continued, "Part of the reason that I'm so sure that she," she gestured toward her stomach, "is a girl is because I've been dreaming about her. Not her, exactly…in my dreams, she's a little girl, not a baby, but I know that it's her."

"Okay."

"She's the key to this whole thing. She knows the solution to defeating the Reapers. She tries to tell me, but it's always just out of reach. I can't quite grasp it." She sounded frustrated and drained. Joker wondered how long these dreams had been going on. A while, he guessed.

"Is it possible that the girl in the dream isn't the baby, but she's you?" he inquired, gently. "Somewhere in your brain, you hold the key, but your conscious mind just can't grasp it?"

She pondered this. "I suppose so. But doesn't it really amount to the same thing? She's a part of me." She blew out a breath. "I'm not explaining this well."

"It's okay, Shep. I'm listening. Take your time."

"You know that I'm not particularly religious or spiritual. But this pregnancy…the doc said that given the state of my reproductive organs, this shouldn't have happened. The odds against it were astronomical. Now, I'm having these dreams…I don't believe it's all just coincidence. It means _something_. It happened for a reason."

Joker considered what she'd said. He didn't know if he believed that their unborn child held the key to defeating a race of sentient machines. But he did believe that she (and he had no reason to doubt Shepard's intuition about the baby's gender…had already accepted it as truth, in fact) was a miracle. Maybe not to anyone other than the two of them, but a miracle, nonetheless. The timing was portentous. Her existence had bonded him and Shepard even more closely, made them more determined than ever to not only win this war, but to survive. If Shepard derived more meaning from the pregnancy than that, he didn't see the harm. He couldn't pretend to comprehend the bond between a mother and the child growing inside of her, and Shepard's instincts had always been good. For all he knew, she was right about all of it.

"I don't think you're crazy. I don't know what it means, in the grand scheme of things, but I don't think you're crazy."

"Really?" That one word was infused with relief, and he realized what a burden it must have been for her to shoulder all of this alone for so long – the pregnancy, the dreams.

"Really."

She was quiet for a while, and then she said, "Jeff, tomorrow, when we launch our final assault, I think we should maintain radio silence. I know you won't like it," she said, rolling toward him and holding up a hand to forestall his protests, "but this time is different. You're not going to be sitting around waiting to swoop in and save the day. You're going to be a vital part of the air offensive, and responsible for keeping the Normandy and the remaining crew safe. I can't have you worrying about what's going on down on the ground."

"Oh, sure. 'Cause if I can't hear it, I won't worry," he replied, sarcastically.

When she responded, it was with her commander tone. "I'm still in charge, and this is the way I want it. EDI's going to stay with you, and she can monitor the biometrics from my suit. But I need you focused. I want you to get out of this alive as much as you want the same for me. Got it?"

"Yeah."

"What was that?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good." She kissed him. "Just like at the Citadel – me fighting Saren, you taking down Sovereign. Remember?"

"I remember."

"We're a formidable team. We've done it before. We can do it again."

He was silent, not wanting to point out that Sovereign was one Reaper, and now they were facing an army. She already knew. There was no point in ruining a perfectly good pep talk with the facts.

"But if, for some reason, we don't make it through…"

"Shepard," he interrupted, that old familiar dread rising up like bile again.

"No, I know. I'm not going to get all gloomy. I just wanted to say, thank you. Growing up, bouncing around from one foster family to another, I couldn't help but wonder if there was something wrong with me, some reason why none of them wanted to keep me. Sometimes, they'd act like they liked me if I behaved a certain way, but eventually, my real personality would come out, and they'd toss me aside. Finally, I just decided that I had to be myself, even if that meant that no one would ever want to be near me."

"I still don't understand that," he said. "You just got an entire galaxy to join together and follow you into war. What the hell was wrong with these people that they couldn't see the potential in you?"

She shrugged. "A lot of people take foster kids for the wrong reasons. They want the money, but not the hassle. The same characteristics that make me a good soldier – stubborn, aggressive, and suspicious – did not make me an easy charge. But I couldn't change who I was, no matter how much I tried."

"Thank god."

"I've always been able to be myself with you, and you've never made me feel bad about that. You accept me, and my many flaws, and don't try to change me."

"I could say the same about you," he replied softly, entwining his fingers with hers.

"And I guess that's what loving someone is all about, right? Only, I never thought I'd find that. Ever."

"Me neither."

"So, you know, even though I'd rather that we weren't facing the imminent demise of the galaxy…if that's what it took to bring us together, then I can't entirely regret it, either. You know?"

"Yeah. I know."

"It's been one hell of a ride. And there's no one else I would have rather taken it with."

"I feel the same, Shepard. It's been my privilege to serve with you, to know you, and to love you." He kissed her softly, and she smiled.

"Okay, well, that's all I wanted to say. I guess we should try to get some sleep." She rolled back onto her side, facing away from him, and he wrapped his arms around her. They lay like that, napping but never really sleeping, until the alarm roused them several hours later. They dressed silently and went to face what was likely going to be the last day of their lives.

* * *

><p>This time, the entire crew was gathered in the CIC. Some of the rookies showed signs of fear, but the experienced soldiers looked like they always did before a big battle – intent and unflinching. They might not win this fight, but they were determined to take as many enemy troops down with them as possible.<p>

"Staying aboard the Normandy is going to be the engineering team – Adams, Daniels, Donnelly. Traynor. Dr. Chakwas. Collins, Maynard, Davenport. And, of course, Joker and EDI. As ranking officer, Flight Lieutenant Moreau is in charge. Hackett will be commanding the Sword team, and there's no doubt that the Normandy will be a key component. She's the best ship, with the most talented crew, in the fleet. I know you'll do me proud."

"Aye, aye, Commander," Adams replied smartly, snapping off a salute. "It's been an honor to serve under you, ma'am," he continued.

"The honor's been mine, Lieutenant."

"Be careful out there, Shepard," Chakwas said in her maternal tone.

Shepard gave her a cocky grin. "Aren't I always?"

That got a chuckle from the gathering, breaking the tension. Shepard continued, "Garrus, James, Liara, and Tali are with me. Cortez will take us down in the shuttle, as usual. Admiral Anderson informs me that the Reapers have closed the Citadel arms, blocking a direct approach. But they're using a beam to transport people from London to the Citadel, likely for...processing."

"Just like at the Collector base," Tali whispered.

"Correct. The enemy has Hades cannons surrounding the area, preventing our ground forces from landing. We need to go in and take them out. Then Hammer can land, and we'll launch an all-out assault on that beacon. Our mission is to get the Citadel open so that we can dock the Crucible. Anderson will be leading Hammer, and it's likely that he'll be able to put Tali and Liara's skills to good use at the Forward Operations Base, leaving Garrus and James with me." When the women looked ready to object, she held up a hand. "I don't know this for sure, I'm just speculating. Let's rendezvous before we start complaining about our assignments, shall we?" They grumbled, but quieted swiftly.

"This is it, guys. The Reapers have been steadily trying to take our homes away from us, but today, we push back. First, we activate the Crucible and destroy the Reapers, and then we retake Earth, Palaven, Tuchunka, Thessia, and all the rest. We will not run scared. We will not surrender. We've beaten them before, and we'll do it again. We will be victorious!"

The gathering had been shifting in anticipation while she spoke, and when she finished, Vega yelled, "Hooyah!" and the other Alliance crew responded in kind. The alien contingent contributed their own unique versions of a battle cry until the room reverberated with their bravado. God help him, but after all these years, it could still make Joker break out in goose bumps. Every one of them was batshit crazy, but they were all goddamn heroes, as far as he was concerned. He was proud and honored to call them friends and comrades.

When it quieted, Shepard said, "Hammer, we move in ten. Sword," she gave them a self-assured smirk, "we'll see you on the other side."

The crew dispersed, leaving Joker, EDI and Shepard - as well as Traynor, a few paces away, at her terminal. Shepard extended her hand to EDI. "Give 'em hell, EDI."

"Yes, Commander."

"And take care of this guy for me, will you?" she said, pointing a thumb at Joker.

"Of course, Shepard."

She gave Joker a careful hug, mindful of her armor, and brushed her lips against his quickly. Before she could pull away, he grabbed her face in his hands and said, deliberately, "Be careful down there."

"I'll be back before you know it."

"I'm going to hold you to that."

She smiled her beautiful smile, and he reluctantly released her. She turned to go. When the elevator doors opened, he called, "Shepard!"

She extended a gloved hand to block the door from closing, but now that he had her attention, Joker found that he was struck speechless. Realizing this, Shepard gave him a wink and a wave, and disappeared behind the metal doors.


	32. Blow Me Away

"_Only the strongest will survive_

_Lead me to heaven when we die_

_I am the shadow on the wall_

_I'll be the one to save us all"_

**Blow Me Away – Breaking Benjamin**

* * *

><p>Sword was getting torn apart.<p>

For every Reaper that they took down, the air offensive lost ten times the number of ships, or more. The Reapers were massive and cumbersome, but their shields were nearly impenetrable. They were more vulnerable when they unfurled their insect-like limbs, but a direct hit from the laser that was subsequently revealed meant instantaneous annihilation. Joker was leading a squadron of Alliance fighters, using the Normandy's speed and maneuverability to buzz around the enemy like an annoying gnat, trying to draw their attention so that the fighters could finish them off. EDI was doing a fair amount of damage with the Thanix cannon, and the armor that they had upgraded before the journey through the Omega-4 relay was holding fast. They were inflicting losses, but incurring them at a much higher rate. They weren't going to win this skirmish with traditional tactics. But then again, they'd known that from the beginning.

He reminded himself that they were merely buying time for Shepard and her team to launch the Crucible. And praying that it would work.

True to her word, Shepard had blacked out all direct communications to and from the Normandy. But what she hadn't considered was that he was able to monitor her chatter with the other crewmembers, as well as the open channels. With his attention more than occupied, it was mostly background noise, but he was peripherally aware of the fact that Shepard's team had mounted an attack on one of the Hades cannons that was preventing the Hammer team from landing. They succeeded in destroying the cannon, and the ground forces began arriving en masse. During the offensive, Cortez took a hit while he was alone in the shuttle, attempting to provide a distraction. Joker heard Shepard call out to him.

"I'm okay, Commander, but I need to set this bird down somewhere. I'm not going to be able to pick you up."

"Roger, Steve. Stay safe."

"Anything for you, Shepard."

Fucking hell. Even the gay men were a little bit in love with Shepard.

* * *

><p>Joker heard nothing more from the group until they were preparing to launch their final strike on the Reaper's beam. Anderson informed them that less than fifty percent of Hammer had reported in, and they weren't expecting many more to make it. Half of the ground team lost before the battle had even begun, and their air force wasn't faring much better. Whatever Shepard and her team were going to do, they needed to do it quickly. The admiral continued to say that their biggest concern was the Reaper destroyer guarding the beam. A soldier with a British accent inquired about air support, and Joker prepared to volunteer for the mission, but Anderson vetoed the suggestion, citing interference that made it impossible.<p>

Orders were handed out, including the words, "Shepard, I'm sending you right up the middle where resistance is heaviest," and Joker barely had time to think, _"Of course he is,"_ when the fighter to his left exploded. He exclaimed, "Crap!" and spun away right before the Reaper's beam trailed through the space the Normandy had just occupied. He recovered quickly, but felt himself withering under his copilot's baleful stare.

"What?" he asked, snappishly.

"You are distracted," EDI informed him. "Should I take the helm?"

"Over my dead body." This was met with disapproving silence. "I'm sorry. I'm paying attention, I promise."

* * *

><p>It happened the way that Shepard had anticipated. Liara and Tali stayed at the FOB; Garrus and James went with her. Joker took some comfort from the fact that Garrus would be by her side, as always. If anyone could pull off a miracle, it was Shepard and Vakarian.<p>

To his credit, he did manage to focus on his flying while the sounds of battle raged intermittently through the comm. Shepard barked orders to her team while her vitals bleeped reassuringly in a minimized window on Joker's display. Encouraged by the ground team's progress, he and his squad incinerated another Reaper. A cheer went up over his channel as they sped to escape the blast radius. Every success felt like a victory, and they had to take them where they could get them. At least they were making the bastards suffer.

As Hammer's forces approached the destroyer, Joker heard the company leaders complaining about a problem. The same interference that made an air attack impossible was wreaking havoc with the guidance systems for the missiles. Finally, he heard Shepard say, "Anderson, we're here. What do you need from me?"

It was the British soldier who replied to her hail. "Without a functioning guidance system, we can't make the precision strike we need to take out the destroyer."

To Joker's surprise, EDI broke into the main channel. "I may have a solution."

After a startled pause, Shepard said, "Go ahead, EDI."

"I should be able to use the Normandy's systems to enhance the missiles' targeting capabilities."

"Do it."

"Yes, Commander. I'll let you know when I've completed linking the systems."

"Hurry, EDI."

Anderson broke in. "Hammer, the Reaper ground forces are making a push. Hold your ground."

"Yes, sir," Shepard responded. "Get ready, guys. Here they come."

Joker fell back behind the defensive line of dreadnoughts to give EDI time to focus on the task at hand. After what seemed like an eternity, and must have seemed even longer to Shepard and her team, EDI announced, "Commander, I have reprogrammed the targeting system. Missiles are ready for launch."

"Good work, EDI. I'm going for the controls, people. Cover me." After a moment, she said, "Missiles firing!"

EDI said, "Countering interference."

"Fuck! EDI! The missiles went off course. What happened?"

"The Reaper is still too close to the beam."

"Damn it! We're down to two missiles."

"You need to get the Reaper to move away from the beam's influence."

"And how do I do that?" The frustration and strain was evident in her voice. "Reaper treats?"

Before EDI could reply, Shepard's squad was once again besieged. However, the destroyer must have relocated of its own volition, because EDI reported, "Commander, the Reaper is within range. Missiles ready to launch."

"Roger that, EDI. On my way, and…firing!"

He heard someone shout, "It's going down!"

"Hammer, hit it with everything you've got!" Shepard ordered. Joker felt the reverberation of the Reaper's destruction through his earpiece.

"We did it! Take that, you _pendejo_!" James cheered.

"Nice work, EDI. Thanks for the assist."

"You're welcome." The AI disconnected, and observed Joker's wide grin. "What?"

"You did good, EDI."

"Thank you, Jeff."

"I think I could kiss you right now."

"Really?" He almost laughed at the hopeful expression on the synthetic's face.

"Yeah. But don't get your hopes up. I'm sure it'll pass."

* * *

><p>Joker moved to rejoin Sword as Hammer approached the beam and Hackett readied the Crucible. Several of the Reapers broke off from the group and headed toward Earth. Joker didn't understand their objective until he heard Anderson say, "Shit! They've called in reinforcements for the beam. Hammer squads…move, move, move!"<p>

"Garrus! James! Let's go!" Shepard ordered.

Joker couldn't help it now. All of his attention was focused on the action on the ground, and he was unconsciously holding his breath. The sound of explosions echoed continuously through the comm. He was silently urging them on, willing them with his thoughts. If they could only make it to the beam…

Suddenly, there was an ear-splitting concussion and the main ground channel went silent. Heart pounding, palms sweating, he called Shepard's name repeatedly over the comm, in vain. He reached out to Garrus and James, and received no response there, either. He wasn't even aware of the fact that EDI had taken the helm and moved them out of the line of fire. His ears strained, but there was nothing but dead air. All of Hammer had gone dark. He sat shaking, waiting, until finally someone called into the void, "Did anyone make it?"

The British soldier replied somberly, "Negative. Our entire force was decimated."

But, but…that couldn't be right! Gathering his wits about him, Joker glanced at the screen monitoring Shepard's vital signs. What he saw there was not entirely encouraging. Her heart rate and blood pressure were rising, but her respiratory rate was sluggish. Wounded but unconscious? That would fit the scenario. What about the rest of the team? Injured, as well? Or worse?

Suddenly, her breathing levels spiked, indicating exertion. Her HR and BP continued to increase to alarming heights. Joker knew this was a typical physiological response to pain, but there was no way to know how badly she was hurt.

The accented voice continued, "We need to regroup. Fall back."

Joker hesitated, wondering if he should report what he knew. He didn't want to leave Shepard out there, alone. But why was the squadron leader reporting complete losses when that clearly wasn't the case? Was he simply mistaken, or was there something else going on?

Abruptly, one of the ship's direct channels spiked with static. "Shepard?" There was no response to his summons, but he could hear her now. She was barely audible, but she was chanting, "Almost there, almost there, almost there," over and over again, like a mantra. The sound of shots being fired echoed through his earpiece. By Shepard, or on her? The uncertainty was maddening. He listened, entranced, for about thirty seconds, until there was another burst of static and the line went dead.

A low moan came over another of the ship's lines; male, this time. Joker responded immediately. "Vega? Garrus?"

"Joker? It's James." His voice was laced with pain. "I'm hit, bro. It's pretty bad."

"Hang on, Vega. I'll get someone to you." He gestured to EDI, and she sent out the distress call to the ground team leaders. "James? Where are you?"

"About fifty feet from the beam. Scars…Scars is next to me. He's not moving."

Garrus. Shit. "Okay. Help is on the way. Just hang on. James…do you see Shepard? Where's Shepard?"

"No, she's not here. She was right beside me, and then there was an explosion, and…she's gone, man. Shepard's gone."

* * *

><p>The waiting continued for what seemed like forever.<p>

Medics flooded the area surrounding the beam…or where the beam had been. Shortly after the last transmission from Shepard, it had gone dark. Hammer's troops had been demolished, but there had been survivors. The last that Joker had heard, James was still among them. He wasn't sure about Garrus.

No one knew what had happened to Shepard. She hadn't been accounted for among the casualties, but no one had heard from her since the final assault on the beam. Had she made it? Had she been dragged off by one of the Reaper's minions? Joker knew from the information being transmitted from her suit that she was still alive, but her vital signs were weakening. Wherever she was, she probably wasn't going to survive long without medical attention. Uncertainly, Sword and the remaining Hammer squads continued their offensive, awaiting further orders. Even Hackett seemed unsure of what to do now that their primary strategy was in jeopardy.

After an interminable amount of time, the arms of the Citadel began to open. A rallying cry went up from the closest ships and spread outward.

"This is it, everyone," Hackett announced, excitedly. "The arms are opening!"

Joker watched, awestruck, as the weapon glided toward the Citadel.

"Ten seconds to contact," Hackett warned.

Shockingly, the Crucible seemed to slip into place like a hand into a glove. Maybe their plan still stood a chance, after all.

But then Joker heard Hackett over the comm. "Shepard? Commander!"

"I…I'm here," Shepard responded, weakly. "What do you need me to do?"

Relief surged through Joker's system at the sound of her voice. She sounded awful, but she was still conscious and breathing. Still fighting.

"Nothing's happening. The Crucible's not firing," the admiral told her. "It's got to be something on your end."

There was a long pause during which Joker could hear Shepard gasping and groaning as she presumably attempted to investigate the problem. Growing impatient, Hackett demanded, "Commander Shepard!" and any goodwill Joker had developed toward him vanished instantaneously. Didn't he realize that she was doing the best that she could? Joker watched anxiously as her biometrics continued to drop.

"I don't see," Shepard panted, at last. "I'm not sure what to…" Her voice trailed off into nothing.

"Commander!" Hackett insisted again, but this time, there was no response.

* * *

><p>The silence stretched on as the arms of the Citadel unfurled fully and locked into place. There was still no reaction from the Crucible.<p>

Hackett attempted to hail Shepard one final time, and then the air waves went unremittingly silent. Both the united forces and the Reapers seemed to hesitate, waiting to see what the Crucible would do.

"Jeff?" Shepard's voice broke through the hush. She had unblocked her uplink to the Normandy. No one could hear her but him.

"I read you, Shepard. Are you okay? What's going on?"

"I think," she began, and then broke into a coughing fit. When she recovered, she continued, "I think I know what to do. You need to move the Normandy away from the relay."

"Okay," he responded, moving to do so without hesitation. "Should I warn the others?"

"No. Too much activity may alert the Reapers."

"Roger."

"Jeff?" she said again, her voice so soft that he could barely hear her now.

"I'm here, Shep."

"I love you," she said, and his blood ran cold.

Normally, those were words that he delighted in hearing from her lips, but in this situation, in that tone of voice, he knew that what she really meant was "goodbye." He knew that she was injured and in pain. He knew that she had done more than anyone could have, or should have, asked of her. He knew that she was asking his permission to let go. And maybe, if he'd been a better man, he would have granted it. But he wasn't, and he couldn't.

"No," he told her. "Shepard, you hang on. Remember what you promised me! That no matter how bad things got, you would never stop fighting. I know you're hurt, and you're tired. But it's almost over, honey. You do what you have to do there, but when it's done, you just hold on. I'm going to come for you, Shepard, no matter what, just like I always do. Do you believe that?"

"Yes," she whispered, and he thought he could almost hear a smile in her voice.

"Okay. You make that Crucible fire, and get rid of these big, ugly bastards, and then, I'll be there before you know it."

"You're away from the relay?" she asked.

"We're good, Shepard. Fire at will."

"Firing," she said, and a moment later, Joker's world exploded.


	33. I'd Come For You

"_I'd fight for you_

_I'd lie, it's true_

_Give my life for you_

_You know I'll always come for you_

_No matter what gets in my way_

_As long as there's still life in me_

_No matter what, remember_

_You know I'll always come for you"_

**I'd Come For You – Nickelback**

* * *

><p>What burst forth from the Crucible was a devastating wave of energy that Joker felt more than saw. As the beam hit the relay, the eezo core spun faster and faster until the mechanism exploded outward. The shrapnel from the relay hit some of the fleet that was loitering too close, causing severe damage to some ships and destroying others. He just had time to shout, "All hands, brace for impact!" before the Crucible's blast reached them.<p>

Every warning light flashed and alarm bleated as he struggled to maintain control of the mutinying vessel. "EDI, I need system status, now!" When there was no response, he called again. "EDI!"

Sparing a quick glance in her direction, Joker saw that the AI was blank and unmoving. Had the energy pulse affected her as well as the ship? He had no time to ponder the problem now. "Traynor!" he called into the comm. "EDI is offline. I need system status, immediately."

"Aye, aye, Lieutenant."

He had only a moment to recognize that this giving orders thing wasn't so bad before turning his attention back to the matter at hand. "Adams! Everything okay down there?"

"The drive core's lit up like a Christmas tree! I don't think she can sustain this output for long!"

"Crap!" Joker fought to take manual control of the ship, but he was locked out. And with EDI non-functioning, he couldn't override the firewalls. The sirens continued to wail, making it difficult to think.

Suddenly, the cacophony ceased. Rather than being comforting, the sudden silence was unnerving. Joker was about to request another status update when the Normandy gave one final, violent shudder. As if the energy wave had reached the end of the Sol system and rebounded, it washed over the staggered fleet once more before returning to its source. There was a momentarily pause as if the Crucible was digesting its own emissions, and then the Citadel exploded.

"Adams! Update!" Joker commanded.

"Things were hairy for a few moments there, but levels are going back to normal. Good thing the commander got us that thermal pipe, or you might have had three extra-crispy engineers."

"Okay. Good." The Normandy's bucking was becoming less violent now that the onslaught had passed. "Traynor?"

"Systems coming back online now."

Joker finally thought to take a look out the window to see what the Reapers were doing, and the answer seemed to be – nothing. They hung lifeless in space; motionless. Without organic life aboard to resist the pulse and restart their programs, the synthetic beasts were helpless. It appeared that they had done it. The Reapers were dead.

"_Shepard!"_ he finally thought. A quick look at his readout showed that the screen monitoring her biometrics was blank. _"Not dead,"_ he assured himself. _"Wiped out along with the rest of the displays."_

"Traynor!" he barked again. "I need the readings from the commander's hard suit a.s.a.p."

"Roger that."

"Shepard!" he called over the comm, but the link was dead. "And get the communications system back online!" he demanded of Traynor without waiting for a response.

He finally had time to turn his attention to his copilot. "EDI?" he inquired, struggling out of his chair to lean over her. "You with me, pal?" There was no reply from the AI, but Joker wasn't sure what that meant. He remembered EDI telling Shepard that she still existed primarily within the Normandy. If that was true, then it was possible that it was only her synthetic form that had been damaged, and not her core programming. Maybe Traynor could recover the AI along with the rest of the systems.

As if on cue, Traynor reported, "Comm systems back online, Joker." A second later, his earpiece exploded with chatter from the open channel; air and ground units elatedly proclaiming the same news - the enemy had been defeated.

He quickly cut it off and slid back into the pilot's seat. The crew of the Normandy still had work to do. He opened a direct line to Shepard's comm. "Shepard? Are you there? Shepard!" Nothing…not even any ambient noise. The screen containing her vital signs was still blank. "Traynor! What's up with the biometric feed?"

"Working on it!"

"Well, work faster!"

He carefully guided the Normandy through a minefield of debris toward the wreckage of the Citadel. The explosion had blown the five arms of the structure in different directions. One had travelled close enough to Earth to be caught in its gravitational pull and was already approaching the planet's atmosphere. He was torn between hoping for survivors from the explosion, and dreading the fate that now awaited them. Selfishly, he hoped that Shepard was not aboard that segment. With nothing to impede them, the rest of the arms were floating through space at the same speed and along the same trajectory that they had been set upon by the blast. Various members of the fleet had to dodge out of the way to avoid being struck by them.

"Got it!" Traynor crowed, triumphantly, and Shepard's vital signs blinked into existence on his screen. The bad news was that her heart rate, blood pressure and respiration rate were all dangerously low. The good news was that the sensor also contained a tracking device. After Aratoht, he'd insisted upon it. She was still alive, and now he knew where to find her.

"Good job, Traynor!"

He immediately set a course for the blip on his radar, which thankfully was not on the part of the Citadel currently falling towards Earth. He tried to hail Shepard again as he approached his destination, but there continued to be no response. As the Normandy drew alongside the shrapnel, he realized that there was going to be a complication. The branch of the Citadel was travelling at a constant speed, but it was also rotating as it moved. He could calculate the speed and match it easily enough, but to set the Normandy down, he was going to need to compensate for the spin. And if the structure collided with any of the debris littered about, it could change course drastically and unexpectedly. If he miscalculated, the result would be, at best, a failure to land safely, or at all. At worst, there could be significant, even catastrophic, damage to the ship. He was making a decision that would put the lives of the remaining crew in danger, and he knew that Shepard would disapprove. And without EDI's assistance, the maneuver would be even more challenging.

Despite all of this, Joker hesitated only briefly. He'd promised Shepard that he would come for her, and he was planning to keep his promise. It was time for him to earn his title of "Best Helmsman in the Galaxy", even if it was only self-appointed. He'd been born for this moment, and he wasn't going to fail.

"Buckle up, everyone. We're going to get Shepard back." Not a word of protest from his passengers, which he chose to take as both a sign of their devotion to their commander, and their confidence in their pilot.

He glided next to the structure and focused on matching its rate of travel. Conveniently, the remnants of the fleet were still avoiding the projectile's path, allowing him to maintain a steady course rather than forcing him to fly around them. The piece of the Citadel struck what remained of the hull of a dreadnought and rebounded in the Normandy's direction. Joker heard the howl of the thrusters as he banked violently, yanking the ship out of harm's way. Maybe it was better that EDI wasn't conscious to witness this, after all. On a positive note, the friction from the collision had slowed the arm's gyration, which was going to make the upcoming maneuver somewhat simpler.

"Sorry, guys. Just hang tight," he announced over the comm as he pulled the Normandy back alongside the arm. He bit his lip in concentration as he once again adapted the ship's speed to that of the object. He glanced ahead to be sure that no more obstacles lay in the way, and then started his approach. There was no way he was going to be able to slide the frigate into a docking bay, and he didn't have the luxury of choosing a landing pad. He was just going to have to set her down and hope that he didn't injure or kill anyone else.

The next time the front of the arm revolved into view, Joker slipped the ship into the radius of its revolutions. As the structure continued to spin, he simultaneously continued his approach while banking the vessel to match the motion. He was coming in much faster than he would have liked, but he needed to get on the ground as quickly as possible. As he drew closer, he realized he was hovering over the Commons, which, while still not ideal, was preferable to many other spots on the Citadel. At least there was some open space here to work with. Just before touchdown, he realized that the tail wasn't going to clear the building rising up to meet them, and he punched the thrusters. The Normandy splashed down gracelessly into the fountains with a bone-jarring thud and a screech of metal. Joker cut the engines and released the breath that he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

"Doc!" he called over the comm once he'd regained his composure. "Grab whatever supplies you can carry and meet me at the airlock. I need one or two strong guys – I don't care who – to go with us and bring Shepard back. Traynor, I need you to keep working on bringing the systems back up. EDI, in particular. The rest of you, sit tight. We're going to make this quick."

He sent the tracer signal from Shepard's suit to his omni-tool and headed out of the cockpit. As he reached the hatchway, the elevator opened and disgorged Chakwas, Adams and Donnelly. Adams carried a collapsible stretcher. The doctor bustled across the CIC to meet Joker.

"Jeff," she said, grasping his arm gently. "I think you should stay here."

"What? No. No way! I'm going with you!"

"If Shepard's badly injured, then minutes can make the difference between life and death. What's left of this structure is bound to be badly damaged and treacherous. We can move faster without you," she said sympathetically, but firmly.

He shook his head in frustration, but before he could argue further, she stepped closer and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You need to make sure the Normandy's ready to go as soon as we return. Radio ahead to the hospital and let them know we're bringing her in. Make sure that they're prepared for us." Then she delivered the fatal blow. "This is the way that you can best help Shepard right now."

He knew that she was right. He would only slow them down. With a growl, he spat, "Fine. Just go get her! And keep me informed!"

"Send the coordinates to my omni-tool," she instructed as she gathered up her things. The door hissed open and she bustled out, the engineers on her heels. Joker made his dejected way back to the cockpit.

* * *

><p>"Doc, do you copy?"<p>

"Yes, I can hear you, Jeff." The doc wasn't so good at radio chatter.

"Did you receive the coordinates?"

"Yes. It doesn't seem too far. We're moving as quickly as we dare. There's rubble everywhere. Lots of dead; some wounded. I wish I could stop and help them," she said, remorsefully.

Joker swallowed his impatience. He knew it was in her nature to want to heal. It didn't mean that she cared any less about the commander.

"I know," he said, with as much sympathy as he could muster. "But we don't have the staff or supplies to help them all, even if we wanted to. We need to focus on Shepard for now."

"You're right, of course." When she spoke again, it was with her usual focused and efficient tone. "We're approaching the coordinates. There's quite a bit of debris. The signal is coming from…there! We're going to have to dig a bit, men."

This was followed by grunts of exertion, and then Joker heard Donnelly whisper, "Oh, dear sweet mother…"

"What?" Joker said, rather too loudly. "Did you find her?"

"We found her. Donnelly, keep digging…gently! Greg, support her neck, there. No abrupt movement, gentleman."

"How is she? What's going on?"

"Jeff," Chakwas said patiently. "Please be quiet and let us work."

He shut up, and the doc continued, "Good, good. Okay, Donnelly, grab her legs; Greg, keep holding her head steady…good. Set her down on the stretcher…easy, easy. Good. Okay, let's see what we've got."

There was an agonizingly long silence, and then she said, "The commander is unconscious, but her pupils are equal and reactive to stimuli, which is a good sign. I've given her the maximum dose of antibiotics to prevent infection. I'm applying pressure to any exposed wounds, but she's already lost a lot of blood. You need to let the hospital know her blood type so that they can prepare a transfusion, if necessary. As soon as she's stabilized, we're heading back."

"How is she really, Doc?" Joker asked, quietly.

She hesitated, but then she replied in the same clinical tone. "Her armor has been stripped away in spots and melted in others. I'm afraid to remove it for fear of doing more damage, so I can't do a thorough examination. Every exposed surface I can see is burned, lacerated or bruised, but I'm more concerned about internal damage. Her vital signs are very weak. She requires immediate medical attention."

"And the baby?"

"There's a heartbeat, but it's also extremely weak, I'm afraid."

"Are they going to make it?"

"I honestly don't know. But I'm going to do my best to ensure that they do."

"I know, Doc. Thanks."

"We're heading back. Call the hospital and make sure we have a clear flight path. We need to go quickly."

"Roger."

He disconnected with Chakwas and informed Traynor of the situation so that she could contact the hospital. He got on the main channel and spoke with Hackett. The admiral assured him that no one would hinder their progress, and he even assigned several Alliance ships to escort them. The makeshift medical team burst onto the Normandy just as he was finishing his conversation.

"We're here! Go! Go!" the doctor urged.

Joker yearned to see Shepard, if only for the briefest glance, to assure himself that she was still alive, but he knew there was no time to waste. Their reunion would have to wait.

"Okay, we're going. Hold on, everyone! This is gonna be a fast ride!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_This chapter originally went a little differently, but when I saw the opportunity to let Joker play the hero, I had to take it. :) I'm not a physicist or an aeronautical engineer, so please forgive any blatant errors made for the sake of suspense._


	34. Hollow Heroes

"_Crowded streets are cleared away_

_One by one_

_Hollow heroes separate_

_As they run_

_You're so cold keep your hand in mine_

_Wise men wonder while strong men die"_

**So Cold – BB**

* * *

><p>Joker sat in the doctor's lounge at Kingston Memorial Hospital, anxiously awaiting news. There'd been a shuttle with a team of medics waiting for them when they'd landed near London. He and Chakwas had joined them for the short ride to the hospital, and he'd gotten his first glimpse of Shepard during the trip. Her fair skin had been so pale it was almost translucent, which had made the bruises and lacerations on her face stand out in stark relief. There'd been blood caked under her nose and around her mouth. The sleeves of her armor had been eradicated from the elbows down and the skin underneath was red and raw. Her torso seemed to have taken the worst of the damage, with the bottom of her suit remaining largely intact. The medics had swarmed around her inert form, working frantically, preventing him from getting anywhere near her. He'd longed desperately for the chance to touch her, to speak to her – to let her know that she'd done it and the war was over. He'd felt strongly that she would be able to hear him and that she needed to know that they'd succeeded.<p>

They'd been on their approach to the hospital and he'd been growing a bit frantic, knowing that they would whisk her away again as soon as they landed. Finally, he'd tapped one of the medics on the shoulder. "Can I just have a minute?" he'd asked, plaintively. The man must have seen the turmoil on his face, because he'd nodded and shifted to the side to allow Joker to slide in next to him.

He'd bent awkwardly over the stretcher and gently taken her hand in his. He'd leaned as close to her as he'd been able to manage, and spoken softly, despite the noise of the shuttle. What he'd had to say was meant for her ears only. "You did it, Shep. The Reapers are gone. You kept the baby safe. You kept us all safe. You don't need to worry about anything now except for getting better. I'm here waiting for you, and I'm so proud of you." He'd fought for composure as he'd brushed an errant lock of hair back from her face. "Just keep fighting for a little bit longer, okay? I know you can do it." The shuttle's thrusters had whined and then stalled as the pilot had completed his landing, and the hatch had burst open to reveal more medics standing by. Her hand had been yanked from his as they'd rushed her away. Chakwas had hesitated, but he'd waved her ahead. "Go," he'd instructed. She knew more about Shepard's health history and cybernetics than any of these other doctors would. She'd nodded and hurried after the stretcher. He'd still been sitting on the shuttle's bench when the pilot had emerged from the cockpit. Perhaps taking pity on him, the man had guided Joker into the hospital and explained to the nursing staff who he was. The hospital had been, quite literally, a war zone, and every square inch of the waiting room had been packed with people. A kindly nurse had escorted him into a staff lounge, where he'd remained, grateful for the solitude.

His omni-tool blipped, and he answered the call. Traynor's worried visage filled the screen. "Tali and Liara just checked in. They wanted to know about Shepard, and I told them she'd been taken to the hospital. They're eager to make their way over, but I tried to dissuade them. I told them I'd speak to you first."

"This place is utter chaos. The hospital staff doesn't need the entire crew of the Normandy loitering around aimlessly. See if you can convince them to wait on the ship. Tell them I'll contact you with regular updates."

"Roger that." She paused. "Have you heard anything?"

"No. Not yet."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm okay. Thanks for asking."

"All right, then. I'll be waiting to hear from you. Traynor out."

He disconnected and leaned his head back against the wall with a sigh. Suddenly, he was overcome with exhaustion. He had no idea how much time had passed since the beginning of the battle, but all of the fear and adrenaline had drained away, leaving him feeling hollow and numb. He could hear the familiar hum of hospital noises in the background but it was muffled by the thick walls. His eyelids grew heavy as awareness slipped away into blissful oblivion.

* * *

><p>He awoke an indeterminate amount of time later to Chakwas gently shaking his shoulder.<p>

He sat up with a start. "How is she?" The doc looked weary, as well. She wore scrubs that were heavily splattered with blood. Joker tried not to think too much about where it all had come from.

She sank down next to him on the sofa. "They just took her up to surgery. She's still critical, but if she makes it through the operation…the doctors are cautiously optimistic."

"What does that mean?"

"There's significant internal bleeding, but they won't know exactly what they're dealing with until they open her up. From what we can deduce, it looks like she was struck by one of the Reaper's lasers on the way to the beam. Her armor provided some protection, but not enough, as you saw for yourself. It seems to have carved a path from near her left hip to the area under her right arm." When she saw him wince, she paused. "I'm sorry. I know this is hard to hear."

"No, it's okay. I want to know."

"The good news is that the beam didn't strike lower. The baby's still holding on, somehow. She's a tough one, like her mother."

"She?"

"Yes, they did a diagnostic ultrasound. It's a girl."

Joker couldn't say that he was surprised to hear that Shepard had been right all along.

"They've stitched up the worst of the cuts and treated the burns. They've given her some blood, and will probably need to give her more. The concern is administering anesthesia and subjecting her body to more trauma in her weakened state," Chakwas continued.

"I don't know if I'm the right type, but I'll give blood, if they need it."

"They seem to be well stocked, for now, but I'll pass your offer along. She's got the finest doctors attending to her. They're fully aware of the identity of their patient, and I'm positive they're going to do their best for her."

"Okay. So, for now, we wait?"

"We wait," she confirmed. "Oh, and Lieutenant Vega is here, as well. They took him into surgery a short while ago."

"What happened?"

"Apparently, he was beside Shepard when the laser struck. The speculation is that it was travelling on a diagonal trajectory, because it hit him in the lower leg. I understand that they're amputating his right leg below the knee."

"Shit," Joker breathed, remembering his last chat with the soldier. He hoped that he would be all right. "And what about Garrus?"

"No word yet," Chakwas replied, "although the staff is not well equipped to handle aliens. They're trying to bring in medical professionals from the various fleets to treat the injured that have landed here."

Joker dutifully contacted Traynor and filled her in on Shepard and Vega's conditions. She informed him that Tali and Liara had returned to the ship, and that the entire crew would be grateful for the update. Cortez had made it back, as well. They hadn't heard anything about Garrus, either, but according to Liara, Anderson had been killed during the final Hammer offensive. Joker thanked her for the news and disconnected with a heavy heart. He'd always respected Anderson, and he knew that Shepard would be devastated to hear about the death of her mentor.

* * *

><p>Time dragged on. Doctors bustled in and out, grabbing a caffeine fix and regarding the interloper with curious glances, but no one challenged his presence. Chakwas disappeared to volunteer her services to the overworked staff. She returned a while later with the news that James was out of surgery and in recovery, doing well. Shepard was still under anesthesia, but hanging on.<p>

The doctor had once again departed – this time to find a restroom – and Joker was contemplating doing the same, if only to stretch his cramping legs, when he heard someone shouting, "Shepard? Shepard!" He would have recognized that raspy growl anywhere.

He hurried to the door and stuck his head out. Jack was storming up and down the hallway, looking like a tattooed tornado of fury. "Jack! What are you doing?" he called.

She immediately zeroed in on his location and stalked his way, head down, fists clenched. "Where's Shepard?"

"She's in surgery," he replied, opening the door to allow her access to the lounge. He wasn't sure that he had the authority to grant her admittance, but he figured that it was better than having her terrorizing the corridors. "What are you doing here? Did you talk to Traynor?"

Jack snorted. "The bossy bitch? Yeah, I talked to her. She told me not to come, but what makes you think I would listen to her? I want to see Shepard!"

Joker shook his head, feeling too tired to argue. "You can't see her, Jack. I haven't even seen her. She's still in surgery," he repeated.

His words finally seemed to register with the biotic, and her anger appeared to recede a bit as she took him in. "You look like shit," she proclaimed.

"Really? Well, that's shocking, 'cause I feel fucking fabulous," he snapped, sinking back down onto the sofa. After a moment, Jack perched next to him. They were silent for a while.

"How bad is it?" she asked, quietly.

He thought about lying to soften the blow, but decided that it would only make things worse. "It's bad."

There was another long pause, and then she whispered, "She can't die."

Joker turned his head to look at her. She was staring straight ahead, jaw clenched, face impassive, but her eyes were wounded and they glistened in the harsh, artificial light. They were the eyes of a person who'd already lost too much and couldn't bear to lose any more.

Her hands rested palms down on her lap, gripping her thighs, and without thinking, he reached out and covered the one closest to him with his. She stiffened, but then she slowly turned her palm up to clasp his hand in hers. Her hand felt tiny and delicate even in his fragile grasp. Joker thought ruefully of how pleased Shepard would be to see the two of them providing comfort to each other like this…something neither of them ever would have done without her influence. They were still sitting like that when the surgeon appeared a short while later.

* * *

><p>"Mr. Moreau?" More blood-spattered scrubs. Joker thought that he'd be happy if he didn't have to see any more people wearing Shepard's blood.<p>

"That's me," he said, springing upright, Jack right next to him. When the doctor glanced her way, Joker said, "It's okay. She's family. This is Shepard's sister." He didn't know why the fabrication slipped so easily from his lips, but he couldn't deal with the inevitable explosion from Jack if they tried to send her away. The man studied her dubiously, but didn't argue.

"Your fiancée is out of surgery and in stable, but critical, condition. The baby has stabilized, as well." At the word "baby", Jack gave Joker an incredulous look, but he shot her a warning glare. The surgeon started rambling on in medical jargon until Joker finally interrupted. "Uh, can you hang on a second? I'd like Dr. Chakwas to be here for this."

"Certainly," the doctor said graciously, and Jack hurried out to find her.

Once they returned, the surgeon explained everything to Chakwas while she nodded and asked questions. When they were finished with their conversation, she thanked him and he took his leave. As soon as the door closed behind him, Jack said, "Baby? You _dog_!" and punched Joker in the shoulder, hard.

"Ow! Goddammit, Jack!"

"Shit! Sorry! I forgot."

"Right," he grumbled, rubbing his arm. "So, can you give that to us in English?" Joker asked Chakwas.

The bottom line seemed to be that Shepard's cybernetics had given the doctors fits. Cerberus' technology was indeed cutting edge and none of them had ever seen anything quite like it before. No one had known how to get in touch with Miranda, who was the one person who might've been able to shed some light on the situation. So, they'd done the best that they could. Unable to repair the badly damaged left kidney, they'd removed it. They'd also cut away an organic portion of her liver, but Chakwas claimed that the tissue would likely regenerate its form, if not its function. Her pancreas and part of her stomach had ruptured and been repaired. She'd survived the procedure and they were going to be moving her to the ICU momentarily.

"Can I see her?" Joker asked.

"Yes, once they get her onto the floor they'll likely let you into the room for a few minutes. Visitors are usually strictly regulated for critical patients, but as disorganized as things are here right now…" She shrugged.

She advised Joker and Jack to take the elevator up to the ICU, and assured them that she would stop by shortly. They made their way through the crowded halls to the elevator and rode up in silence. They emerged into a much less frenzied environment. Joker asked the floor nurse where they could find Shepard, and she asked, "Are you family?"

"Yes. I'm her fiancé and this is her sister." What the hell; might as well stick with the fabrication.

She consulted her clipboard. "They're bringing her up from recovery now. Room 612. You can have five minutes," she warned.

"Thanks."

They found the room just as the orderlies were wheeling her in. The staff bustled about, making sure that the monitors and IV's were working, and then cleared out. He and Jack stood there, unmoving, for several moments, and then she breathed, "Damn."

There were stitches running through two large gashes on Shepard's face – one ran from her left cheek bone to her jaw, and the other was near her right temple. Below that one, her eye was black and blue, and swollen shut. She had a tube taped to her mouth. Her arms were wrapped in gauze, and there was an IV needle taped to the back of her left hand. The rest of her form was mercifully covered by the blankets. A heart rate monitor beeped reassuringly, and underneath that was the steady whooshing sound of the fetal monitor.

Joker approached the bed slowly, and carefully took her right hand in his. Jack remained where she was, awkwardly shifting her weight from foot to foot. She'd wanted to see Shepard, but now that they were here, she seemed unsure of what to do. Joker pulled an empty chair up to the side of the bed and sank into it, never releasing his grip on Shepard's hand. Now that he could see for himself that she was still here – still alive – another wave of exhaustion rolled over him. He was so damn tired. It seemed like days since he'd last slept. Hell, it had been days.

A silver-haired nurse came into the room and scowled when she saw them. "You're going to have to go now."

Jack started toward the door, looking grateful for the excuse to escape, but Joker shook his head. "No. I'm staying."

"Sir, I need to check the patient's vital signs. You're in my way."

"It's lieutenant, not 'sir.' And I'll be happy to move out of your way. But I'm not leaving."

Hearing this exchange, Jack stopped in her tracks, looking eager at the possibility of a skirmish.

"Do I need to call security?"

"You do whatever you need to do."

With one last glower, the nurse stalked from the room. Jack gave him an admiring grin. "Way to stick to your guns, _Lieutenant_."

Joker chuckled, embarrassed. "I don't usually like to pull rank, but she rubbed me the wrong way."

"That's 'cause she's a nasty old bitch. You going to be okay here?"

"Yeah. I'm good." She walked toward the door once more, but before she could exit, he called, "Jack?"

She hesitated. "Yeah?"

"Come by again soon. After all, you are her sister."

The biotic grinned. "Yeah. Okay. Thanks."

"See ya."

Jack left and Joker turned back to the bed. Softly stroking the fingers of Shepard's right hand with his left, he reached out his right arm and lightly placed a palm on her abdomen. "I heard you weren't too happy with your mom earlier, but she was busy trying to save the universe, kid. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. So, maybe you could cut her some slack, just this once?" His eyes went wide as the sound on the baby's monitor went "_Thump, thump…thump…"_ and something rippled beneath his hand just as the second beat stuttered. The normal heart beat resumed as he choked out a strangled laugh. The sound seemed to echo in the sterile room.

"Well, I don't know if that was a high-five or if you were flipping me off, but either way, I'll take it." He leaned closer to the bed, feeling silly but not really caring. "I'm your dad, kid, and you're going to be hearing a lot more from me. So get used to it." To this, his daughter had no response. Great, she was learning how to ignore him already. Shepard would be so proud.

The door opened and another nurse entered – a young, petite brunette this time. Before she could utter a word, he said, "I'm not leaving."

"So I heard," she responded with a bemused grin. "Don't worry. I'm not here to kick you out. Mildred is refusing to deal with you, so she handed the patient off to me. I just need to take her readings and I'll be out of your way."

"Thanks," he said, gratefully.

"You're welcome." She moved around the room, entering information into a datapad. "But if you're going to stay here, you're going to need to keep a low profile."

"I will. I promise."

"Okay. If you need anything, hit the call button. My name is Sabrina." With another friendly smile, she departed.

Wearily, Joker put his head down on the mattress beside the spot where Shepard's fingers were intertwined with his. Less than two minutes later, he was sound asleep.


	35. Are You With Me Now

"_Are you with me now?_

_Come back from the dead_

_You've been inside your head for too long"_

**Are You With Me Now – Sixx AM**

* * *

><p>The following days passed in a blur.<p>

Joker awoke from his stupor with a sore neck and back, and no idea of how much time had passed. There was a blanket draped around his shoulders, and an apple, ham sandwich, and bottle of water on the tray table next to the bed. Knowing they were meant for him, since Shepard was still unconscious, he consumed them voraciously. He staggered to the private bathroom and used the facilities, and then splashed water on his face. He emerged to find Sabrina once again recording Shepard's vitals, and realized at once who'd supplied the provisions.

"Thanks for the food."

"You're welcome. There are some people waiting outside. I didn't want to disturb either one of you."

"Thanks," he said again.

He found Hackett, Liara and Tali in the ICU waiting room. Hackett rose and, spine rigid, spouted words like "hero" and "medal" and then, almost as an afterthought, inquired after Shepard's health. Joker responded concisely, already weary of the charade. In truth, he didn't think that Hackett was a bad guy, but the Alliance always wanted something more, and right then, neither he nor Shepard had anything left to give. He was relieved when the admiral quickly took his leave. Once he left, Liara wrapped Joker in a warm, comforting hug and said, "How are you doing?"

"Okay."

"And Shepard?"

Taking a seat, he filled them in on Shepard's condition. They were sympathetic and concerned, and asked if they could see her. He said that he thought it could be arranged. As it turned out, over 24 hours had passed since he'd rescued Shepard from the Citadel. Liara explained that the pulse of energy that had destroyed the Sol relay had travelled throughout the mass relay network, destroying the Reapers in every system. Relays closest to them had been badly damaged, while relays on the outer fringes had suffered less severe harm. Some of them had even come back online automatically. The extranet had initially incurred widespread outages, but it seemed to be recovering quickly. They were currently attempting to gather information from all corners of the galaxy.

"I'm going to be heading to the Prothean archives on Mars, with many of the scientists who worked on the Crucible, to see what we can learn about repairing the relays. But I want you to send me daily updates on Shepard's progress."

Tali provided additional information about the situation in their own system. Ships had been sent to what remained of the Citadel to gather supplies and rescue any survivors, of which there had been relatively few. The dead Reapers were continuing to wreak havoc, although not as much as when they'd been alive. Some of the enormous machines had been caught in the Earth's gravitational pull, and they were so massive that large chunks had been making it through the atmosphere intact and falling to the ground, causing more casualties. What remained of the united fleet had been working diligently to dismantle the beasts before they could inflict additional damage.

"Our priority is collecting all the dextro-based foods that we can," Tali explained. "We don't know how long it will be until the relays are operational again, and the turian and quarian fleets may need to ration provisions. The flotilla has a considerable stockpile, especially considering the attrition that we suffered in the war against the geth and the battle to defeat the Reapers. Our people are scouring the Citadel for additional stashes. There's even some to be found here on Earth in the cities with major spaceports, although it's not very plentiful. Not many turians or quarians travelled to Earth before now."

* * *

><p>The parade of visitors continued. Chakwas came by regularly to check on Shepard, as she continued to donate her skills at the hospital. Jack popped in from time to time. Cortez stopped by daily after his visits to James, who was apparently recovering well.<p>

"You should go down and see him," Steve told him. "He's on the fourth floor, and other than flirting with the nurses, he's bored as hell."

"I know. I've been meaning to," Joker replied, guiltily.

"He's scheduled to receive his prosthesis by the end of the week and says he's looking forward to being back on his 'foot,'" Cortez chuckled. "So far, he seems to be dealing with everything pretty well. He keeps asking about Shepard, and Garrus. Have you heard anything?"

"No."

"You should have Traynor try to get in touch with the primarch. He could probably find out, and he owes us. Or Shepard, anyway."

"Yeah. Good idea."

Traynor arrived with some of his clothes and toiletries, and he thanked her profusely. He asked about EDI, and the communications specialist shifted uncomfortably. "You should probably ask one of the techies about that," she demurred. But with further prodding, she capitulated. "As far as we can tell, the energy from the Crucible has essentially ended all synthetic life. EDI and the geth still function as VI's, but their capacity for self-awareness has been destroyed." She went on to say that the mobile platform that EDI had been using, Dr. Eva Core's body, had never reactivated. "I'm sorry," Traynor concluded. Joker was too shocked to respond. He'd assumed that there would be a way to revive his companion. He hadn't anticipated learning that she was gone forever. The news saddened him more than he would have expected. He passed along the request to track down the primarch, and she assured him that she would try.

* * *

><p>Despite all of these updates, the tribulations of the outside world seemed mostly like a distant reality to Joker during this time. He never left the hospital. He rarely left Shepard's room. The only thing that seemed tangible to him was his daughter and future wife's fight for survival. It reminded him of his mother's description of the time after his birth. He thought that he could understand more fully what she'd gone through now. He realized that he hadn't thought about his parents in a while, and guilt and sadness flooded him. So much uncertainty. So much loss. In some ways, it was easier just to focus on this microcosm rather than be crushed under the weight of the larger truth.<p>

Late one night, when the hospital was hushed and dark, Sabrina came into the room. She'd been nothing but kind and generous to Joker during his stay, and they'd developed a friendship, of sorts. The other nurses tolerated his presence, but she seemed to sincerely sympathize with his plight.

He was feeling anxious and restless. It'd been almost a week since the surgery. Even though the doctors had said that it might be a while before Shepard awoke, it still worried him. He wanted her to open her eyes so that he could reassure himself that the woman that he knew and loved was still in there, somewhere.

Sabrina completed her tasks, but then she paused by the end of the bed. "You're going to have to leave sometime, you know," she said, not unkindly.

"Yes. Once she wakes up."

The pretty caretaker cocked her hip in a manner that reminded him of Shepard and regarded him openly. "I know you're eager for her to regain consciousness and it's completely understandable. But can I let you in on a little secret? That might not be the best thing for her right now. She's resting, and healing. Your baby is getting a chance to grow. Because of the pregnancy, we can't give her any painkillers that might have addictive properties, which is pretty much all of the good stuff. That means that if she were to wake up now, she'd probably be mighty uncomfortable. Discomfort usually equates to movement. And moving around would not be beneficial for her at this stage."

Joker studied her, bleakly. "Are you just saying this to make me feel better about the fact that she's not waking up?"

"Do you feel better about it?" she countered.

"Not really."

"Well, there's your answer."

"What else am I supposed to do?"

"I understand that you're a pilot."

"Yeah."

"There are a lot of people who desperately need assistance out there. I have no doubt that they could put someone with your talents to good use."

"But I want to be here when she wakes up," he argued, his gaze returning to Shepard's inert form.

"I could contact you the moment she shows signs of waking up. It probably won't happen all at once. And, of course, you could still come by anytime you wanted."

"What if you weren't here?" he challenged. She just waited, patiently. Finally, he heaved a resigned sigh. "You're a lot like her, you know? Very persuasive."

"Coming from you, I take that as the highest compliment," the nurse replied, with a slight grin.

"I'll think about it," he allowed.

"That's all I ask," she responded. She gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder on her way out the door.

* * *

><p>The next time that Cortez stopped by, James was with him. Joker hobbled out into the hallway to greet them, stiff from sitting for too long. Before he could say anything consoling to the soldier, James said, "Hey, what's up, Gimpy?"<p>

So that was the way he wanted to play it? "Nothing much, Stumpy. What's up with you?"

James laughed heartily. "Stumpy! I like it! How's Lola doing?"

"About the same."

"I heard you knocked her up. Congrats."

"Thanks."

"Can I see her?"

"Yeah, go ahead." Joker watched the big man move carefully towards Shepard's room. He was wobbly on his new appendage, but he forged ahead with dogged determination.

James disappeared through the door, and Joker turned his attention to Steve, who was watching his friend and shaking his head in admiration. "Nothing keeps that guy down, I swear. Wish I had his resilience."

"You and me, both. Hey, Cortez…did you say that you've been doing some flying?"

"Huh?" His fellow pilot focused on him for the first time. "Oh. Yeah. There are survivors out in the remote areas who are in dire need of water, food, blankets…anything that we can spare. I've been flying supplies out to them every other day or so. I've also been working on getting some of the damaged shuttles operational again. Why? You thinking about volunteering?"

"I was considering it. I'm not doing much good hanging around here. Do you think they could use another pilot?"

"Are you kidding me? Yeah, man, of course! They'd be thrilled to have you helping out."

James emerged from the hospital room and rejoined them.

"That was quick," Cortez observed.

"Yeah, well, she's not very chatty. Felt weird just standing there, staring. She doesn't look so bad," he said to Joker, hopefully. "Maybe not quite as _bonita_ as she once was, but…" He shrugged.

"She had a lot of internal injuries, but the docs say she's recovering. I don't know. Until she opens her eyes and talks to me…" He trailed off.

"Yeah."

Before the silence could grow uncomfortable, Joker said, "Hey, James? What happened there, at the end, when you guys were approaching the beam?"

The lieutenant frowned. "I remember that we fired the cannon and took out the destroyer guarding the beam. We were getting ready to go in when Anderson warned us that there were more Reapers incoming. We took off for the beam – me, Lola and Scars – all in a row. We were about fifty feet out when I heard that wrenching moan – _Dios_, I hear that sound in my dreams – and the laser hit the ground right in front of me. I felt a burning pain in my leg, right before it gave out." His voice was weaker now, his gaze unfocused. "I heard Shepard scream. I wanted to help her, but I couldn't move. Garrus never made a sound. When I was finally able to look around, the turian was maybe five feet away, unmoving, and the commander was gone. She made it to the beam?"

"Yeah," Joker murmured.

"I don't know how," James said. "I know she caught that laser full force. I like to think that I'm pretty tough, but Lola…she's something else, altogether."

"You got that right," Cortez agreed.

"She not only made it to the beam, but she got the arms of the Citadel open and got the Crucible to fire before she collapsed," Joker informed them with a mixture of pride and awe, overwhelmed once again by the magnitude of what Shepard had accomplished.

"And it's a good thing, otherwise none of us would be standing here today," Steve added.

The group pondered this truth for a moment, and then Joker asked James, "Do you have any idea what happened to Garrus afterwards? We haven't been able to get any info on him."

"I don't know, man. The medics came and scooped me up. I was in a lot of pain. I didn't see what happened to him."

"Do you think it's possible that he survived?"

"Anything's possible. Hell, Lola and I should probably be dead, but here we are. Scars is tough." But his voice lacked conviction.

"After the laser blast, the British soldier reported that Hammer had been wiped out, which delayed reinforcements getting to you. I never have been able to figure out why he did that. Did he really believe you were all dead?"

"Who? Coats? I heard some of the local guys talking, and the rumor is that he was indoctrinated. He was trying to stop, or delay, us from getting to the Citadel. Once the beam went dark, he turned on his own unit and killed a few of his men before they took him out."

"Damn."

"You can say that again, _amigo. _Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Why didn't Lola tell Scars and I about the _bambina? _We would have tried to keep an eye out for her."

"I think you just answered your own question, Mr. Vega," Steve replied, gently.

"I didn't even find out until after Thessia, James. She was playing it pretty close to the vest."

Vega ogled him, incredulously. "You didn't know, either? Real observant there, Ace."

"You saw her every day, too, and you didn't notice!"

"Yeah, but I didn't see her naked!"

"Guys," Steve interjected.

"Look, Vega, in case you forgot, we were trying to save the galaxy. I wasn't seeing her naked a whole lot, either. And you saw how she was – not eating; not sleeping. The signs weren't obvious. At least not to me. If that makes me oblivious, well, then, so be it."

James sighed in resignation. "Nah. I probably wouldn't have seen it, either. Hell, as you pointed out, I didn't see it! But I just wish she would have let us protect her, ya know?"

"You know she never would have allowed that, James."

_"_Yeah, I know. Well, I gotta go get off of this damn prosthesis. _Adios_, Gimpy."

"See ya, Stumpy."

Cortez opened his omni-tool, and a moment later, Joker's pinged. "That's where we meet in the mornings for the aid missions. Sergeant Meyers is in charge. If you decide you want to do it, just show up, or let me know and I'll pass the word along. Like I said, I'm sure they'd be happy to have you."

"I will. Thanks, Cortez." After they left, he hesitated, considering the address thoughtfully, and then he went into Shepard's room to pack up his meager belongings.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_So, I was over on Deviantart, cruising the sexy Jokers (of course) and I was thinking about how cool it would be to have an image of my Shep and Joker. Unfortunately, the only way that I will ever paint a picture is with words. If any of you lovely readers happen to be talented artists (or even not so talented - I'm not picky,) would you be willing to do this for me? I don't know what I can offer you besides my undying gratitude, but I could post it as the story's cover art and credit you? I have a screen shot of my Shep that you could work with, as well. If you're interested, please PM me. Mucho gracias._

_Oh, and I realize that _bambina_ is Italian, not Spanish, but I wanted to use it, so I did! :)_


	36. All My Love

"_With every breath that I am worth here on Earth_

_I'm sending all my love to you_

_So, if you dare to second guess, you can rest_

_Assured that all my love's for you_

_My beating heart belongs to you_

_I walked for miles 'til I found you_

_I'm here to honor you_

_If I lose everything in the fire_

_Did I ever make it through?"_

**Last Night on Earth – Green Day**

* * *

><p>Cortez helped Joker obtain an apartment. Military personnel had commandeered one of the least damaged portions of London, on the rationale that they couldn't do anything to assist the general population if they couldn't care for themselves. Besides the soldiers themselves, the area was open to their families and the families of those killed in the line of duty. Cortez and James were sharing a ground floor residence in a ramshackle building that would otherwise be called a tenement, but under current circumstances, qualified as luxury accommodations. Steve finagled Joker a larger flat on the third floor of the same building, on the assumption that Shepard and Hope would be joining him there, eventually. It had running water; electricity; and a working, though ancient, refrigerator, which made it one of the most coveted units available. His crewmates immediately stashed their perishable rations in his quarters after making him pledge, several times, that he wouldn't touch them, even under fear of starvation.<p>

Sergeant Meyers was, indeed, delighted to meet Joker. The Alliance's current primary objective was getting supplies to the scattered pockets of resistance fighters, and anybody else who had survived, outside of the city limits. In addition, soldiers needed to be transported to locations that had significant populations in order to organize shelter, medical care, and the equitable distribution of provisions. Currently, the sergeant did not have nearly enough pilots at her disposal to accomplish these directives.

And so, he found himself once again back in the cockpit. The shuttles were easy to fly and the missions were usually short jaunts. He and his fellow pilots were restricted to flying every other day due to concerns about fatigue and burnout, so on his off days, he helped gather and sort scavenged and donated items. In the morning gloom, he walked through broken streets piled high with rubble to the makeshift base. In the evenings, he visited Shepard at the hospital. He sent Liara daily updates, as promised, and she kept him informed about the progress they were making regarding repairing the relays. She was optimistic that they would be able to use the data in the archives to achieve their goal, although she couldn't commit to a specific timeframe.

* * *

><p><em>Jeff,<em>

_I'm hoping that this message finds you alive and well. Extranet service has been spotty here on Chera, so we've had limited access to intergalactic news. We do know that the Reapers are gone, and I have no doubt that we have you and Shepard to thank for that, at least in part. Right now, I'm just hoping that we'll get the opportunity to do so someday. They tell us that the relay near Tiptree is operational, and that we should be able to go home soon. Despite the destruction we will unquestionably be facing, I'm looking forward to that more than you can know. No doubt those nesting instincts that go along with being hugely pregnant have something to do with that. I love you, little brother. I'm praying that you're okay._

_Jules_

* * *

><p><em>Sis,<em>

_I am indeed alive and well, although how and why that should be, when so many others are not, is a mystery, even to me. As far as the Reapers' defeat goes, you - and everyone else - mostly have Shepard to thank for that. She once again achieved the impossible, at great personal cost. She's been in the hospital, unconscious, since the war's end, and Jules – she's pregnant, too. So, please, keep her and the baby in your thoughts and prayers. I love you, too. Stay safe._

_Jeff_

* * *

><p>One night, perhaps two weeks after he'd abandoned his permanent post by the patient's bedside, he walked down the hospital's corridor to find Primarch Victus propped awkwardly against the wall outside of Shepard's room. When the turian spotted him, he straightened to his full height and steadily observed Joker's approach. When he was within earshot, Victus said, "Lieutenant."<p>

"Primarch."

"I got a message that the crew of the Normandy was seeking information regarding the status of Garrus Vakarian. Unfortunately, Officer Vakarian was killed in action. I felt that it was only right to inform you in person. I owe the commander that much." He handed Joker Garrus' visor. "I thought Shepard might like to have this."

Joker was speechless. He thought he'd been prepared for this eventuality, but the words still hit him like a physical blow. Garrus dead. Shepard was going to be inconsolable. He felt surprisingly devastated, himself.

"What…what will happen to his, uh, body?" he asked, because he could think of nothing else to say.

"His remains will be released to his family once we're able to return to Palaven. The final disposition will be up to them. He died honorably, and his name will be recorded in Palaven's proud history."

"Yes, sir."

The primarch extended his talons, and Joker accepted them. "It's not likely that we'll meet again. I wish you luck, Lieutenant. The Spirits be with you and Shepard."

"Thank you, sir."

With a stiff nod, the turian took his leave. Joker watched him go, still feeling stunned. Chawas approached from the opposite direction, and seeing his face, said, "What? Is it Shepard?"

Joker hesitated. He could tell the doctor about Garrus, but if he did, word would spread. It wasn't that he didn't want the others to know, but he wanted to ensure that he was the one to inform Shepard, at the appropriate time. Even if he conveyed this wish, the chances were too high that someone would inadvertently let it slip. He wasn't willing to take that risk.

"No, I was just on my way in," he told her. "It's been a long day. It's hard seeing what some of these people are suffering through," he elaborated, which was a truthful diversion.

She put an arm around his shoulders and gave him a gentle squeeze. "It's good work that you're doing. Just don't overdo it, okay? Shepard's going to need you more than ever when she wakes up."

"Yes, mom," he said with an indulgent smile and a not-insignificant twinge of guilt. He was able to push thoughts of his fallen comrade aside during his visit with Shepard, but later, when he was alone in the apartment, twisting the visor anxiously in his hands, they returned, accompanied by the nauseating feeling of keeping a terrible secret, even if it was with the best of intentions.

* * *

><p><em>Jeff,<em>

_I was so relieved to receive your message, and to hear that you and Shepard are both alive, though I was sorry to hear that she's in the hospital. But Shepard is strong, and so is the baby, if it's anything like its parents. I know that they will get through this. How far along is she? Do you know if it's a boy or a girl? We're having a girl (finally!) New life seems like just the thing we need to start the next chapter of our lives. Wouldn't you agree? All my love,_

_Jules_

* * *

><p><em>Jules,<em>

_Shepard is about 24 weeks along, they tell me. And we're having a girl, as well. Her name is Hope. I don't know what my future holds, sis, but right now, my only wish is that it includes Shepard and Hope. There's nothing else that I want, or need. The doctors keep saying that Shepard will wake up any day now, but each hour seems like an eternity. All I can do is hope that it will be sooner rather than later. And try not to worry myself sick…_

_Jeff_

* * *

><p>One morning, as he approached the hangar in the pre-dawn light, he could make out two hulking silhouettes lurking by the entrance. The Alliance guard at the gate stood facing them, his stance alert, but his weapon wasn't drawn. As Joker drew closer, he could see the rounded bulk of their armor, and his suspicions regarding the identities of the visitors were confirmed moments later as he drew abreast of them. He had a moment of panic, wondering if he'd left his translator at home – he hadn't had much use for it lately, here on Earth – but he found it in his pocket and placed it in his ear.<p>

"Wrex. Grunt." He nodded cordially, but kept his distance. Krogan and brittle bones were generally not the best combination.

"Lieutenant," Wrex said. "Grunt and I have been concerned about Shepard, but we thought it was probably best if we didn't visit her in the hospital. We had a feeling that krogan found lumbering through the halls might be shot on sight."

"I don't know about that, but she's unconscious, Wrex." He saw the krogan frown at the word and guessed that it hadn't translated well. "She's asleep," he explained. "She can't see, or talk, to anyone."

"Oh." Wrex appeared to ponder this. "I heard that Shepard's having a baby."

_My, my, but news travels fast._ "Yes."

"Bakara's pregnant, too. We owe that to Shepard. Maybe we'll name our baby Shepard, and you can name yours Wrex." He let loose his rumbling laugh.

"We'll have to get back to you on that one," Joker hedged, hoping the laugh meant that the clan leader was kidding. He wasn't naming his daughter Wrex. Or Grunt, for that matter.

He also had a flash of insight regarding how many of these conversations he'd had lately – Jules, Jacob, Wrex. Was there something about the world almost coming to an end that aroused the urge to procreate – the ultimate rebellious gesture, a "fuck you" in the face of death? Or was it merely something in the Normandy's water supply? Knowing that Mordin had been aboard, he couldn't entirely rule it out. He supposed they'd never know.

"The krogan have a camp just the other side of this base," Wrex said, interrupting his reverie. "I'd appreciate it if you could let us know when Shepard wakes up."

"Sure, Wrex. I know she'll want to see you." Finally, he gathered his thoughts enough to ask, "Do you have everything you need? Food? Supplies?" He wasn't sure how responsive the Alliance was being to the needs of their alien allies trapped here on Earth, and he knew that Shepard would want them to have what they required. But the krogan waved him off.

"Hackett has been taking care of us. He knows he never would have won this war without the krogan." His scarred, reptilian lips pulled back in what Joker suspected was supposed to be a smile, but looked more like a grimace. "We just want to get off of this planet."

"Liara and the other scientists are working on it, Wrex," he said. "I'm sure it will be soon."

"That's what she tells me. Tuchunka might not be much, but it's home." The krogan actually sounded wistful, and Joker felt a twinge of sympathy.

"Yeah."

"Well, keep us informed," Wrex said again, as he started away. Grunt, who hadn't spoken a word during this exchange, trailed in his wake, giving Joker a friendly slap on the back as he passed that sent him staggering. He winced as he recovered his footing. Damn krogan.

* * *

><p><em>Jeff,<em>

_I know that waiting is hard, but you can't lose faith. The two of you haven't made it this far just to be struck by tragedy now. I truly believe that. Just hang in there, bro. We're pulling for you._

_We're heading back to Tiptree in a few days. I'm excited, but apprehensive. I'm sure it will be hard to see our home ravaged, but we're a tight-knit community. We'll rebuild and come back stronger than ever. I sure hope that you'll be able to see it for yourself someday soon. _

_Jules_

* * *

><p>Joker was headed back to London from a run to Ipswich when he got the call from Sabrina.<p>

"I think she might be waking up," she said, without preamble, when he reacted to the pinging omni-tool.

"Are you sure?" His heart started to race with anticipation.

"No, but there's been more REM today and she's been shifting around a bit. Are you close?"

"Maybe 30 minutes out. I was planning to head over, anyway."

"Well, I don't want to get your hopes up, but I thought that you should know."

"Thanks, Sabrina."

"See you soon."

He made it to the hospital in record time. The door to her room was open, and he could hear raised voices as he approached.

"Commander Shepard, do you know where you are? What's the last thing that you remember?"

"She seems disoriented…non-responsive…"

He picked up his pace and entered to find Sabrina pressed against the far wall, looking exasperated. There was a doctor that he recognized as the neurologist, as well as another white-coated woman that he didn't know, conferring over a datapad, sounding flustered. Based on the snippets he'd overheard, he'd been prepared to greet a dazed and confused Shepard, but as soon as her gaze fell upon him, her eyes shone with recognition. He brushed past the doctors without acknowledgment, drowning in delight as she reached for him. He wasn't sure, but he thought that maybe they were both crying as he enveloped her carefully, pressing his forehead to hers. They murmured words, speaking over one another, confined in the cocoon of their embrace.

"You're alive. We're alive."

"You did it, Shep. The Reapers are gone."

"I can't believe it. I thought I'd never see you again."

"I've been so worried about you."

"I love you. I love you so much."

"I love you, too, Shep."

They clung to each other for a long time, until Joker became aware of the pain in his back from leaning at such an awkward angle, and Shepard got over the initial shock of waking up to find that she wasn't dead. When they eventually permitted some distance between them, the room was empty and the door had been closed to allow them some privacy. Joker was positive that they had Sabrina to thank for that, and vowed to find out what she drank and buy her the biggest bottle that he could buy, or steal.

He perched on the edge of the bed, the farthest expanse that he could endure for the time being. Shepard still clutched his hand, as if fearing he would evaporate if she released him. He had to admit that he could relate to the feeling.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

"Like I should be dead," she admitted.

"You were hurt pretty bad."

A shadow passed over her face. "What about the others? Garrus, and James? The Normandy?"

He'd hoped that this wouldn't come up immediately. He should have known better. "Shep," he began.

"What?" she begged, scouring his face for clues. "What happened?"

"Shep," he tried again, caressing her cheek, soothingly. "You've been asleep for almost four weeks now. A lot has happened, and I promise to fill you in on all of it. But for now, can we just take a few minutes to enjoy the fact that the three of us made it through this in one piece?"

At his mention of the baby, her eyes opened wide and her other hand dropped to her stomach. "She's okay?"

"Yeah. She's good."

"And the Reapers are really gone?" Her brow was furrowed in skepticism.

"Really, really gone," he confirmed.

Finally, a smile flickered across her lips. "We did it."

"You did it."

She let that pass without comment. They chatted aimlessly, wonderingly, about what they would do with these brand new lives, once two became three, and all were joined together as a proper family. Soon her eyelids began to droop, overcome with fatigue, but he continued to regale her with idle ramblings until he was positive she was beyond hearing. He sat there, exhausted but elated, until Sabrina poked her head into the room.

"Is she asleep?" she whispered.

"Yeah. Hang on." He extricated himself from Shepard's now limp grasp and slipped out into the hallway, closing the door soundlessly behind him.

"How does she seem?" Sabrina asked.

"Good. Really good. Thank you for earlier."

She shrugged. "I could tell as soon as she woke up that she wasn't going to give them anything. She was in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by strangers. The doctors here are excellent, but they don't necessarily understand the military mindset."

That piqued his interest. "Are you military?"

"Not me. My husband is British Intelligence." She hesitated. "We have a little boy. Three years old. If it wasn't for you two…" Her voice trailed off. "Let's just say, we're aware that we owe you a debt that we can never repay."

"Well, as far as I'm concerned, you already have."

She smiled. "At most, I've earned her a reprieve. They'll be back tomorrow, armed with their tests and interrogations."

"Yeah, well, I wish them luck."

"I assume you're staying the night?"

"If that's okay?"

"Of course. I'm on until midnight, and I'll let my replacement know that you're here. I'll grab a pillow and blanket for you."

"Thanks, Sabrina. For everything."

* * *

><p><em>Jules,<em>

_Shepard's awake! And she seems to be her usual stubborn, impatient self…completely frustrated by the doctors' refusal to release her from the hospital immediately, as ridiculous as that idea is to any rational person. They did an ultrasound today (no signs of Vrolik's so far, thankfully!) and I'm attaching a holo of the blob that is supposedly our child to this message. They tell me that it's most definitely human, although I don't see it. If it comes out blue, or with scales, I'm going to be mighty disappointed, although I suppose I'll love it, anyway. _

_Jeff_


	37. Die Another Day

"_It's hopeless, the end will come and wash it all away_

_Forsaken, I live for those I lost along the way_

_And I can't remember how it all began to break_

_I suffer, I live to fight and die another day"_

**Fade Away – Breaking Benjamin**

* * *

><p>He'd meant to tell her about Garrus. He really had.<p>

But for the first few days, Shepard was awake for only brief periods of time. She was also, as Sabrina had predicted, in quite a bit of pain. Joker spent his time attempting to distract her and encouraging her to focus on the positive. Speaking of lost friends seemed contradictory to his goal.

As the days passed, she grew stronger and more alert. She became more cognizant of her surroundings. And a simple truth began to emerge.

Shepard was a terrible patient.

Joker had been told that he was bad, but she was horrendous. It didn't matter that the doctors had removed enough of her internal organs so that she could potentially function as a human storage locker; it didn't matter that she was entering the third trimester of a pregnancy during which she'd done nothing but endanger the health and well-being of herself and their baby; and it certainly didn't seem to matter that she had nowhere to go, and nothing to do, since the galaxy seemed to be muddling along just fine without her, for a change – Shepard did_ not_ want to stay in the hospital.

Mildred, the disgruntled caregiver that Joker had tangled with on the first day, had entered the room exactly once before being so harangued by Shepard that she'd nearly been brought to tears before she'd fled. "I don't look so bad, now, do I?" Joker had inquired innocently as the beleaguered nurse had bolted from the room. Sabrina, to her credit, was entirely unflappable, and once Shepard had realized that no matter what she said or did, the woman was going to treat her with respectful deference, she gave up her campaign of terror. Against that enemy, at least. By the end of the week, even Joker had had enough. He'd explained about the work he'd been doing, and she'd shooed him away, dismissively. He'd escaped, gratefully. Yes, it was cowardly, but it was a cowardice he could live with. Being constantly eviscerated by Shepard's sharp tongue was another matter, entirely.

And so, perhaps not all that surprisingly, being the bearer of tragic news that he didn't really want to deliver in the first place fell by the wayside.

* * *

><p><em>Jeff,<em>

_I was so happy to hear that Sam is awake and doing well. I can only imagine her discontent with being stuck in the hospital and I hope she'll be able to get out soon. That "blob," as you call it, looks like a beautiful baby girl, to me - and here's a holo of ours, as well. We're leaning toward the name Lucy…what do you think?_

_We're back on Tiptree. The destruction is even worse than we'd feared. But our home is still standing, miraculously. A lot of our neighbors weren't so lucky. Everyone is banding together and helping each other out, though. It's quite heart-warming to see. Restores your faith in human nature, you know?_

_I think of you often, little brother. Love you,_

_Jules_

* * *

><p>Word that Shepard had regained consciousness spread quickly amongst the crew. Jack came by to harass her about lazing around and letting the "dumbass pilot" get her pregnant.<p>

"Now you're gonna be stuck with him forever," Jack informed her, dramatically.

"I'm pretty sure that was gonna happen, anyway," she retorted, dryly.

"Hey!" he interjected, indignantly. "'Stuck with me?'"

"Until the ring was on your finger, there was still time to change your mind," the biotic rejoined, sagely.

"Something that I'm sure any man crazy enough to get involved with you would be well aware of," Joker responded.

"Fuck you, asshole. Besides, I'm not stupid enough to become anybody's bitch." At Shepard's dark look, Jack quickly amended, "Not that you're anybody's bitch, either, of course."

"Of course. So, what are your plans now, Jack?"

She heaved a resigned sigh. "I gotta get back to my kids soon. A lot of them lost their families and are all alone now. I can't leave them hanging."

"I think it's great that you're looking out for them. They're lucky to have you."

Jack shrugged off the compliment. "So, when do I get to take Shep Junior for her first tattoo?"

Shepard looked at Joker. "Would you like to field that one?"

"Sure," he said. Turning to Jack, he said, "The day you put my cold, dead body in the ground."

"Hmm. I think that's what they call 'two birds with one tattoo,'" she retorted with a crooked smile.

* * *

><p>Joker arrived after work one evening to find Vega and Cortez lounging around. They were perhaps the most regular visitors, since James came to the hospital almost every day for physical therapy. Joker wondered aloud about Cortez' motivation for unfailingly accompanying his friend on these visits.<p>

"Are you worried about him getting to and from the hospital on the prosthesis?" he asked. The streets were still perilous in many places, so it was a reasonable assumption, but James snorted in derision.

"Yeah, right. Estaban here is not _that _good of a friend, Ace. He has a crush on my physical terrorist, Lance."

Cortez blushed but didn't deny it. "It's the accent, I think. It's so hard to resist a man with an accent."

Joker caught Shepard nodding in agreement until she spied him noticing, and stopped abruptly.

Meanwhile, James continued, "Of course, the 80 year-old recovering stroke victim gets the pretty, blond therapist and I get Lance." He spat the name like it tasted bad on his tongue.

Cortez laughed. "Dude, if you ever fell on that little girl, you'd crush her with your body weight."

"I'd like to crush her with my body, if you know what I mean," James leered while Shepard rolled her eyes. He extended his fist to Joker, perhaps expecting some kind of hetero-male-bonding moment, but Joker abstained. First of all, he knew better to engage in that crap in front of Shepard. Second of all, he was pretty sure Vega could break his hand just by looking at it, never mind bumping it with his meaty fist.

"Glad to see that losing your leg hasn't slowed you down any, Vega," Joker observed.

"Are you kidding? This thing's a chick magnet, dude. I came back bigger and badder than ever. Only, no more combat duty for me. Turns out, you really can't have a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest," he chortled while the rest of them groaned.

"What?" the lieutenant said, incredulously. "No good? Well, shit. I've been working on that one for a while."

* * *

><p>Slowly, in between visits from well-wishers, Shepard and Joker exchanged their individual versions of events. Joker told her about the effect that the Crucible had had on EDI and the geth, and discovered that Shepard was not entirely shocked by this. From the information the Prothean VI, Vendetta, had shared, she'd gathered that the energy released by the Crucible would have repercussions for all synthetics, although she hadn't known to what extent. Still, she expressed regret over the results, and concern over the fate of what remained of synthetic life. She shed silent tears over Anderson's death, and was disappointed to learn that she'd missed the services held in his honor.<p>

Shepard's memories of the occurrences just prior to, and after, her arrival on the Citadel were muddled, at best. Initially, she reported that when she'd recovered her feet after the laser's strike, she'd seen James and Garrus, but had thought that they were dead. Subsequently, she said that she hadn't seen them at all because she'd been so focused on getting to the beam. She recounted running in to the Illusive Man on the Citadel, but seemed unsure if that encounter had ended with her shooting him, or with him committing suicide. She claimed to remember speaking to Joker, and his promise that he would come for her, but she didn't recall figuring out how to fire the Crucible, or making that a reality.

Concerned, Joker relayed these contradictions to the neurologist, but the doctor assured him that these kinds of memory lapses were common with head injuries. The doctors had determined that in addition to being struck by the laser, Shepard had been very close to an explosion that had caused the lacerations to her face and the burns on her arms. They reasoned that a concussion was the likely cause of the conflicting recollections. Only her short-term memory seemed to be affected, and there was no way to predict if it would improve over time.

Shepard asked repeatedly about Garrus, of course, but none of the rest of the crew had anything to tell her. The few times he'd come close to broaching the topic when they were alone, they'd been interrupted by nurses or visitors, and he'd never gathered his courage for another try. She was already miserable about being trapped in the hospital, and he knew that she was going to be devastated by the news. So, selfishly, he procrastinated. It was a choice he would come to deeply regret.

* * *

><p><em>Jules,<em>

_Guess I'll have to take your word about the baby blobs. You've had more experience with this kind of thing than I have. I think Lucy is a great name. _

_They're moving Shepard out of ICU and into the maternity ward. Can't say that she's thrilled, but at least now she can get out of bed occasionally, if she feels up to it. They're monitoring the baby continuously since it's a "high-risk" pregnancy. Shepard spent the first 20 weeks of this kid's life running around getting shot at, so I don't know what's so high-risk about going outdoors, but then again, what the hell do I know?_

_Glad to hear that the colony is coming together and helping each other out. Things have been like that here on Earth, also. Right now, people seem to realize how lucky they are to still be alive. I can't help but wonder how long that will last? (Sorry, Sis, but I'm still a cynic at heart.)_

_Jeff_

* * *

><p>Shepard's hospital room was uncomfortably crowded. Daniels, Donnelly and Traynor had opted for a group visit, and James and Steve were in their usual spots. By the time Joker arrived, he was barely able to squeeze in the door. He gave her a quick kiss and perched on the edge of the bed.<p>

"You're popular tonight."

"Yep."

She didn't sound particularly pleased about it, and upon further inspection, Joker noticed that she looked a little pale. The stitches had been removed from her facial wounds, but the scars flared deep red against her fair skin, and the colors around her eye had faded to olive and puce.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah. Just tired. And I have a bit of a headache."

Donnelly and Vega were in the midst of an animated discussion about whether women found accents or false limbs more alluring, so Joker could understand the head pain. "I can kick these guys out, if you want?"

"Nah, they're fine for now."

The television was on in the corner, and suddenly, Daniels said, "Hey, guys! Shut up for a minute."

Diana Allers, the reporter that Shepard had refused to allow aboard the Normandy, was doing a segment on a news show regarding the ongoing research to repair the relays. It was the mention of Liara's name that had caught Gabby's attention.

"Dr. T'Soni is leading the research team at the Mars archive that is desperately searching for the information that will allow them to repair the relays and permit the aliens who joined in the war effort to return home. T'Soni was a member of Commander Shepard's crew, who, incidentally, is the person responsible for bringing the various races to the Sol system. Many credit Shepard with defeating the Reapers, although just as many question her methods and hold her accountable for the predicament our allies now face."

"_Zorra,"_ Vega swore at the screen.

"According to official reports, Commander Shepard has been hospitalized since the end of the war with injuries incurred during battle, although inside sources tell me that the commander is pregnant, as well. The father is assumed to be Flight Lieutenant Jeffrey Moreau, the pilot of the Normandy, and Shepard's alleged fiancé."

Joker and Shepard exchanged glances. Someone was obviously leaking information to the reporter – one of the nurses or doctors, most likely. So much for keeping their personal lives private.

"Although touted as a hero, millions of lives were lost here on Earth after Shepard fled the initial Reaper invasion to gather reinforcements from across the galaxy. And many brave soldiers under Shepard's direct command reportedly lost their lives, as well, including Alliance Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko; renowned salarian scientist Mordin Solus; and decorated turian officer Garrus Vakarian, who was by Shepard's side during the final military offensive in London."

At this last, an audible gasp shivered through the room. Heads twisted as their owners looked to the others for confirmation of what they'd just heard. Joker snuck a surreptitious glance at Shepard, who appeared stunned.

"She's got it wrong," Vega declared, finally. "She's reporting rumors. We would have heard something if Scars was really…" he trailed off, losing steam, as no one jumped in to agree with him.

"She was right about the rest of it," Gabby whispered, fearfully.

"No. James is right. The primarch would have let me know if it was true. He _owes_ me," Shepard said, a bit desperately. "He never responded to your inquiries, right, Traynor?"

"No, ma'am," Traynor replied, firmly.

"Actually," Joker began, miserably, causing all attention to focus in his direction.

"What?" Shepard's gaze bore into him.

He took a deep breath. "The primarch came here, to the hospital, while you were still unconscious. He wanted to tell you personally that Garrus…" The words stuck in his throat as he withered under her stare. "The report was correct, Shep. He died during the approach to the beam."

Shepard was speechless, but Joker could see the sorrow and hurt wash over her. After a moment, Traynor asked the obvious question, "Joker, why didn't you tell anyone?"

Never looking away from Shepard's accusing eyes, he replied, "I wanted to be the one to tell Shepard, at the right time."

"Good job with that, _amigo_," James muttered.

"I never meant for you to find out this way," Joker continued. "I'm so sorry."

Shepard finally dropped her gaze, but not before the betrayed look on her face stabbed at his conscience. Gabby, always the sensitive one, said, "Maybe we should go for now, guys." The visitors filed silently from the room, but not without recriminating glances in Joker's direction. He knew that he was going to be the object of some unflattering speculation this evening. But for right now, he was more concerned with Shepard's reaction.

Once the others were gone, the silence stretched on until Joker finally pleaded, "Talk to me?"

When she spoke, her voice was barely audible. "What exactly did the primarch say?"

"Not a lot. He said that Garrus had been KIA. That his remains would be sent to his family on Palaven. That he died a hero. Victus wanted to tell you, personally. Like you said, he felt that he owed you that much."

"I don't understand. He was right next to me! James survived, and so did I…"

"Barely," Joker reminded her, gently.

"But why?" she asked, raggedly. "Why not Garrus?"

"When we first got to the hospital, Chakwas told me the doctors thought the laser that struck you had been moving on a diagonal trajectory. It got James in the leg, and caught you across the middle. If Garrus was to your right…" He shrugged, helplessly. He knew he didn't need to spell it out for her.

Shepard stared down at her tightly clasped hands, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I'd like to be alone now," she whispered.

"Shep…"

"Just go!" she barked, and then, perhaps to soften the demand, "Please."

Not wanting to leave things this way, but not desiring to upset her further, he said, "Okay. I'll go. Are you going to be all right?"

She nodded, once.

"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow, then."

She didn't respond to that, and she didn't look up as he made his way to the exit. He'd only taken two or three steps from the doorway when he heard her sobbing brokenly from within. His heart twisted and he hesitated, wanting to turn back, but eventually, he decided to respect her request and leave her to her grief and solitude. He departed with the burden of Shepard's pain and disappointment weighing heavily on his shoulders.


	38. The Reason

"_I'm sorry that I hurt you_

_It's something I must live with everyday_

_And all the pain I put you through_

_I wish that I could take it all away_

_And be the one who catches all your tears_

_That's why I need you to hear_

_I found a reason to show_

_A side of me you didn't know_

_A reason for all that I do_

_And the reason is you"_

**The Reason – Hoobastank**

* * *

><p>The revelation of Garrus' death sent Shepard into a tailspin. She'd been grappling with fluctuating emotional states since the moment she'd awoken – joy at being alive, colored with a healthy dose of survivor's guilt; grief for the ones who'd been lost; disbelief that they'd actually accomplished the impossible; concern for the allies who were now trapped in this foreign star system; fear for their unborn child and the unfamiliar world of parenthood that awaited them. She and Joker had discussed all of this, and more, during the unending hours of tedium that constituted her hospital confinement, but he and the others had managed to keep her from the lowest lows by providing a plethora of distractions. However, after the news of Garrus' demise, she withdrew so deeply into herself that nothing seemed to reach her.<p>

Or, nothing that Joker did, anyway. There were occasions when he arrived at the hospital to find her and James engaged in murmured conversations, but they quickly dwindled to silence in his presence. After several days of stilted exchanges, he pled his case once more.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Garrus. I never meant to hide it, and it certainly wasn't my intention to hurt you. I just wanted to wait for the right time…which, I now realize, was never going to come."

"I believe you."

"Please don't be mad."

"I'm not mad," she replied, and the apathy behind the words supported their truth, but failed to make him feel any better.

"You hid the pregnancy from me," he blurted, defensively.

She raised expressionless eyes to his. "So, this was retaliation?"

"No, of course not! You know that's not what I meant."

"I don't know what you want from me, Jeff. I'm not angry with you. I'm not punishing you. And I really don't want to talk about it anymore."

Joker hung his head, feeling miserable. He suddenly wished that she would yell, or curse, or rant at him. This detached disillusionment was far worse.

There was a soft tap on the door, and Chakwas stuck her head in. "Can I come in?"

"Of course," Shepard told her.

The doctor approached the bedside and inquired, "How are you feeling?"

"Okay."

Chakwas raised an eyebrow. "I heard that your blood pressure has been a bit high, and you've been having headaches?"

Joker looked at her. She'd mentioned a headache the other evening, but he hadn't known that they'd been recurring. Shepard shrugged, indifferently.

"I'm okay," she repeated.

"Mmm. Well, I'm going to stop by and check on you for the next few days, if that's all right with you?"

She merely shrugged again.

"Right. I'll be seeing you soon, then." Chakwas shot Joker a meaningful glance as she turned for the door.

"I'll be right back," he told Shepard as he moved to follow, but he received no response.

In the corridor, the doctor said, "Is everything okay?"

"Not really."

She studied his hangdog expression. "I heard about Garrus."

"Oh, I'm sure that you did," he responded, bitterly. "Everyone's pissed off that I kept it a secret, but I was just trying to protect Shepard. Now they all hate me."

"They don't hate you, Jeff. They're grieving, and angry, and you're a convenient target for those emotions."

"It's not even the others that I'm concerned about," he said, although that wasn't entirely true. They just weren't his primary concern. "But Shepard…"

Chakwas put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Trust is a fragile thing, and once damaged, takes time to repair. Have some patience."

Joker scoffed. "Yeah, I have very few virtues, Doc, and that's not one of them."

She smiled indulgently. "It'll work itself out. You'll see."

Joker wasn't so certain, but he turned his attention to the reason for her visit. "Is something wrong with Shepard, or the baby?"

Her responding frown set his nerves further on edge. "Nothing major, but the obstetrician has been slightly concerned about her blood pressure. That, combined with the headaches, can be an indication of preeclampsia."

"Pre-what?"

"Preeclampsia. It's a complication that can lead to premature detachment of the placenta from the uterus." At his blank expression, she said, "We just want to monitor her. If it progresses, the baby may have to be delivered early."

"That's not good, right?"

"Forty weeks is a normal term. Shepard is almost 30 weeks now. The closer she can get to full term, the better, of course, but that has to be balanced with the health of the mother and fetus. They've both been through a lot – the doctors have been expecting complications, to be honest."

"But you'll be keeping an eye on them?" So many doctors had passed through Shepard's door – neurologists, surgeons, and obstetricians, just to name a few – that Joker couldn't even keep track of them all. And he trusted Chakwas to do what was best for Shepard, regardless of the circumstances.

"Of course."

Reassured, he said, "Okay. Thanks, Doc."

"Have you been taking care of yourself? Taking your meds?"

"Uh…"

"That's what I thought."

"I'm fine. Really."

"Of course you are. Not that you'd ever admit it if you weren't. You and the commander are two of a kind. I'm going to be keeping an eye on you, too, Lieutenant. Got it?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"All right. I'll see you tomorrow." She retreated down the hall as Joker turned back to Shepard's door. But when he pushed it open, he saw that she'd already fallen asleep. Slipping silently into the room, he observed the gentle rise and fall of her chest, eyes roaming over the growing baby bump hidden by the blankets. Lying in that bed were his past, present and future – everything that he was, and everything that he'd ever wanted to be. When he'd proposed to Shari at age 18, it'd been more out of a desire to hold onto her than to be a husband or father. When he'd enlisted, it'd been more out of a longing to have adventures and see the galaxy than from any kind of calling to serve and protect. But being stationed on the Normandy, and meeting Shepard, had given his life meaning. Her missions had become his missions, and he'd believed in them, because he believed in her. He'd demonstrated his worth as a pilot. Now, he wanted to prove that he could be a good husband, and father – but mostly, he wanted to show Shepard that she hadn't made a mistake when she'd chosen him. And he wanted to convince himself, as well.

But Chakwas was right about them – he and Shepard could both be unreasonably stubborn. They were self-protective, and didn't always communicate as well as they should. It wasn't due to a lack of love, or trust. It was habit, and old scars that would never quite fully heal. The truth was that they had to try harder and do better. Too many wounds, no matter how unintentional, would grow into a sea of resentment. They'd fought too hard and come too far to let it all fall apart now. And if the doctors were right, their battles weren't over yet.

He crept to the bed and pressed his lips gently to her brow. "I love you, Shepard," he whispered. "It's going to be okay." She didn't stir, and as he retreated from the room, he repeated the words to himself. "It's going to be okay."

* * *

><p><em>Jeff,<em>

_I'm sorry to hear that things are rough between you and Sam right now. I don't think that you should have kept the news of her friend's death from her, but I understand why you did it. I'm sure that she will, too, once she gets over the initial shock. Yes, I know what preeclampsia is…I've never had it, but I've known people who have. Usually, it just requires monitoring, but on rare occasions, it can be serious. Keep me updated on how she's doing, okay?_

_We're about a month away from D-Day (delivery day) here, and I'm as big as a house, and totally useless! With so much work to be done, it's pretty frustrating, but Brian makes sure I don't overdo it. I'm ready for her to just come out, already! Why couldn't pregnancy last 4 months instead of 9?_

_Love you,_

_Jules_

* * *

><p>A week or so later, as Joker got off the elevator onto the fifth floor maternity ward, he spotted Vega seated in the waiting room, posture slumped, elbows on knees. His head hung down so that Joker couldn't see the expression on his face. Approaching the big man carefully, Joker said, "Hey, Vega. You okay?"<p>

At the sound of his voice, James straightened with a wince. "Oh, hey, Ace. Yeah, I'm okay. Just a long therapy session today…kicked my ass."

Joker settled tentatively beside him. "Yeah, I know a thing or two about that."

James eyed him, speculatively. "Yeah, I guess you do, huh? I keep forgetting about that." At Joker's raised eyebrow, the soldier said, "I mean, you're the guy that flies the ship, and Shepard's boy toy. I don't always think about the other stuff."

"Um, thanks, I think?"

Vega leaned back, huffing out a sigh. "Never thought I'd be learning to walk again at my age. Lance says I'm overcompensating by trying to let my good leg take the extra weight rather than trusting the prosthesis. It's throwing everything out of whack."

"I went through the same thing after they put the rods in my legs. You have to alter your stride; your gait; your posture. It's excruciating, and humiliating. I was also trying to impress my therapist at the time, and I was determined that she wouldn't see me break." What he didn't tell James was that he hadn't been entirely successful – luckily for him, Shari hadn't been completely repulsed by his inevitable tears of pain and frustration.

"Damn."

"Yeah. Except for maybe the first time, nobody throws you a parade for learning to walk. But it's a hell of a lot more difficult the second or third time around."

"You got that right, _amigo._" James extended his artificial limb with another wince, rubbing absently at the knee. "You know, I didn't like you much when we first met, but it turns out that you're not so bad, Ace."

"Yeah, well, I didn't like you, either, Vega."

James gave him a sly look. "You thought I was putting the moves on Lola."

Joker flushed, but didn't flinch. "You _were_ putting the moves on her."

Vega laughed. "Nah. Not really. I may not be the smartest guy, but I know my limitations. Lola is an amazing woman, but she's also a force of nature, my friend. More than a guy like me can handle. I admire the hell out of you, but I'm not sure that I envy you."

"Shepard can be…intense," Joker admitted, and Vega laughed again. After a moment, he joined in, acknowledging the vast understatement. "But it's worth it, man. Believe me. It's all worth it."

"Oh, I believe you, Ace. Just sayin' that you're a stronger man than I." James looked him in the eye, and said, in a more serious tone, "In a lot of ways."

Joker felt a rush of pride. To have the respect of a guy like Vega, the typical macho marine, was something that he'd striven for his entire career. But then again, maybe James wasn't quite as common as he'd assumed. Joker cleared his throat and said, "Thanks, man." He hesitated. "You're not still pissed at me about the whole Garrus thing?"

James shrugged. "You did a dumbass thing. We've all been there. Figure you're paying the price now, anyhow."

"Yeah," Joker said, morosely.

"She really isn't mad at you, you know. She's just…" He trailed off. "Well, you probably know better than me."

"Yeah. I know. I just wish I could fix it, ya know?"

"Sure. But sometimes, people just have to work through things for themselves."

"I guess." He didn't know how to explain to the other man that seeing Shepard in pain was agonizing for him. Those rare occasions when nothing he said or did was able to make things better cut him to the core. But he suspected that James probably understood that, already.

"So, you on your way to see the lovely Lola?"

"Yeah," Joker said, standing, recognizing that he was being dismissed. "You gonna come by?"

"In a little bit."

"Okay. See you in a bit." He started for the entry, but James called after him, "Hey, Gimpy?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for the talk."

"Anytime, Stumpy. You know where to find me." With a wave over his shoulder, he took his leave.

* * *

><p><em>Jules,<em>

_Not much new to report. Things remain the same with Shepard – cold silences and medical ambiguity. No one's said that she's worse, so I guess no news is good news? I'm with you on the whole pregnancy thing – I think we're both ready for this to be over._

_Listen to your husband, and take care of yourself, woman! (I know that's not gonna work, but I had to try.) You're almost to the finish line now. Then you can get back to cooking and cleaning like you should be! (I'm going to pay for that one, aren't I?)_

_Love you,_

_Jeff_

* * *

><p>Weeks passed with little to distinguish them. Joker continued working with Sergeant Meyers' team, doing outreach work. He visited Shepard daily, although she remained largely uncommunicative. He saw James and Steve often, since he worked with Cortez, and lived upstairs from both of them. Lance, the physical therapist, had become a regular topic of conversation, and Joker surmised from Steve's happy glow that things were going well with the new couple. Traynor was ensconced in a building nearby, and the Alliance had put her to work gathering intelligence. The position seemed to suit her well. Daniels and Donnelly were shacking up together and assisting in the repair of ships that had been damaged during the final battle so that their allies would be able to make the trip home, when the time came. He communicated with Liara less frequently now that Shepard was capable of doing so herself, but they still exchanged the occasional message. The scientists were making progress with their research, but there was still no definitive timeframe for making the relays operational. Tali spent most of her time with the fleet, coordinating the efforts to keep the dextro-based turians and quarians adequately nourished. Joker assumed that Shepard spoke to her occasionally, but she rarely mentioned it.<p>

Joker submitted an official missing person's report for his mother and father, but there were hundreds of thousands of similar forms filed in the aftermath of the war. Their only real purpose was to send an alert to the report's initiator if any activity was detected on behalf of the missing person – any credit or bank account activity; any legal proceedings (such as loans, leases, or licenses) or any official reports by the authorities (such as arrests or hospitalizations.) No such actions had been recorded for either one of his parents, and Joker was prepared to accept that they had not survived the Reaper's initial attack.

One evening, about a month after the news about Garrus had broken, Joker was alone with Shepard in her hospital room. It'd been one of those rare occasions without other visitors, and Shepard had been even more subdued than usual. In response to several benign inquiries, he'd received nothing but a bewildered stare, as if she were having difficulty processing the words. He was considering leaving early, since he had a hop scheduled for the morning, when Shepard let out a hiss of pain and clutched at her right side.

He was out of his chair instantly. "Shep? Are you okay?"

Before she could respond, one of the monitors started flashing, and Joker could see the number on the display rising incrementally…140, 141, 142. A nurse burst into the room a moment later.

"Commander Shepard? Are you all right?"

"She grabbed at her side right before you came in," Joker offered.

"Are you having abdominal pain?"

Shepard nodded, grimacing.

"Are you experiencing any head pain, as well?" the nurse asked, shining a light in Shepard's eyes. She squeezed her eyes shut in response and nodded again.

The nurse spoke into the comm that went to the main nursing station. "Holly, page Doctor Martin to room 509, please."

"What's going on?" Joker asked, worry infusing his voice.

"Her blood pressure's spiking. Along with the abdominal pain and headaches, that's cause for concern. Did she seem confused or disoriented at all this evening?"

"Yes, a little, but…"

A doctor that Joker recognized as the obstetrician burst into the room. "What's happening?"

"Blood pressure is rising…150/95. Patient reports abdominal pain and headaches. Husband reports that patient seemed mildly disoriented earlier."

"Commander Shepard," the doctor said calmly, "can you describe the abdominal pain for me?"

Shepard just shook her head, still gripping her side.

"Is it here, along your ribs?" Martin gently moved Shepard's hands aside to palpate the area, and she gasped. Joker flinched, panic starting to rise. Shepard had a pretty high pain threshold. If she was in significant discomfort, there was something seriously wrong.

"Blood pressure 155/100," the nurse reported.

The doctor turned to her and said softly, "Get the OR prepared for an emergency c-section." The nurse nodded and hustled from the room. Martin turned back to Shepard. "Commander, I think that we need to get that baby out of you sooner rather than later. Do we have your permission to perform a c-section?" When Shepard didn't immediately respond, the doctor said, "Commander Shepard?"

"No," she mumbled. "Too soon."

"It is early, but both you and the baby are in distress. We can better treat both of you once she's outside of the womb, understand?"

Shepard looked confused by this and when she again failed to reply promptly, the obstetrician turned to Joker. "I'm not sure she fully understands what's going on right now. If she can't give informed consent, are you prepared to do so?"

"Me? But…I'm the baby's father, but we're not married! Can I do that?"

"In this situation, under these conditions, we can grant you emergency medical proxy. Will you give us permission to treat her?"

Joker's dismayed gaze shifted from the doctor to where Shepard lay, eyes clenched tight against the pain. She didn't seem to be aware of what was happening around her. "But…she's right. The baby's only 33 weeks. Will she be okay?"

"I can't guarantee you anything, but as things are now, they're both in extreme danger. Left untreated, preeclampsia can lead to coma, brain damage or death, for both of them."

The nurse appeared in the doorway. "We're ready for you, Doctor."

"Lieutenant Moreau?"

"Okay," he said, praying he was making the right decision. "I give my permission."

"Let's get her prepped!" the doctor ordered, and two orderlies appeared from out of nowhere to whisk Shepard away. Dr. Martin hurried out behind them. The nurse said to Joker, "Hospital policy is that bystanders aren't allowed in the OR during emergent cases, but you're welcome to wait here, if you'd like. I'll make sure someone keeps you informed."

"Yeah, okay," he said, numbly.

He sat for a moment after she left, wondering what to do now, when inspiration struck. He pinged Chakwas' omni-tool, and when she answered, he asked, "Are you in the hospital?"

"No, Greg and I are having dinner. What's the matter?"

"They just took Shepard for an emergency c-section." He explained what had happened. "I don't know if I did the right thing or not!"

"It sounds to me like you did, Jeff. She's preterm, but not exceedingly so. If the delivery goes smoothly, they should both be just fine."

"Yeah?" He desperately wanted to believe that.

"Absolutely. But I'm on my way over now, and I'll see if I can get any additional information."

"Oh. No, you don't have to do that. I didn't mean to interrupt your evening."

"Don't be ridiculous! Just try to relax. I'll be there as soon as I can." She clicked off without waiting for a response.

* * *

><p>Chakwas appeared approximately twenty minutes later. "They just got her prepped and into the OR. The procedure should only take thirty minutes or so if everything goes smoothly, and the staff promised to keep us informed."<p>

"Thanks, Doc," he said, gratefully, and she gave him a hug, which he willingly accepted.

"I know it's overwhelming in the heat of the moment, but this kind of complication is common enough. Conditions are aggravated by Shepard's recent injuries, but I would still expect that they'll both be fine."

"I hope you're right."

About forty-five minutes passed before a nurse arrived. "The baby is in the NICU, doing well. Mom is in recovery and won't be able to have visitors for a little while. If you want to go down and see your daughter, you can."

Joker shared a relieved grin with Chakwas. "Let's go," she said.

They made their way to the NICU, where a nurse greeted them, warmly. "Are you our newest daddy?"

"Yeah, I guess I am."

"Well, your beautiful little girl is right over here. And is this grandma?"

Chakwas looked like she was going to demure, but Joker interrupted. "Close enough," he said, meeting her eyes, which misted up before she quickly glanced away, clearing her throat.

"Great! We just need to get you two suited up," the nurse said, offering them sterile gowns and masks. They quickly slipped them on and bathed their hands with antibacterial gel. She led them to an incubator, where Joker got his first look at his daughter. He gazed at the infant in awe as the nurse continued, "She was born 1905 grams and 42 centimeters. We've got her on oxygen right now, and a feeding tube, but she's doing great, Dad."

"Can I touch her?"

"Of course! You're not only allowed to touch, we encourage it."

He slipped his hand through the small opening and stroked her arm, tenderly. Her skin was unbelievably soft, and he couldn't get over how tiny she was! A thin thatch of dark hair blanketed her scalp, and her skin was pale and mottled. She lay in a frog-like pose, the bottoms of her feet pressed together. Her eyes were closed, so he wasn't able to determine their color, but she was still the most amazing thing he'd ever seen.

"She's perfect, isn't she?" he said to Chakwas, who was beaming down at the newborn, as well.

"The most perfect baby I've ever seen," she confirmed, moisture gathering in her eyes again.

"Have you chosen a name?" the nurse inquired. "We'll label her bassinet, if you have."

Since he and Shepard had both agreed upon this without any dissent, he replied without hesitation, pride and joy filling his heart. "Her name is Hope Shepard-Moreau."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_Posting early since tomorrow is a holiday. __I did quite a bit of research for this chapter to get the medical stuff as realistic as possible, but I'm sure there's still plenty of stuff I got wrong, and things that I intentionally changed for the purpose of drama. Please forgive any glaring errors. _

_We have only two more (long) chapters to go, people! So please, show me and the story some love before we have to bid you adieu! And, as always, thank you for reading!_


	39. Scream in Silence

"_Scream at me until my ears bleed_

_I'm taking heed just for you"_

**She – Green Day**

* * *

><p>Hope remained in the NICU for three weeks, and then in the nursery for an additional week, while waiting for Shepard to be released from the hospital. During the c-section, Shepard had undergone an emergency hysterectomy when the doctors had encountered significant bleeding and a partially-prolapsed uterus. Chakwas tried to explain the details to both of them, but what Joker ultimately took away from it was that there would be no more miracle children. Perhaps it was due to the extraordinary circumstances, but neither of them took the news too badly. With Hope's arrival on the scene, it seemed a bit like sneering in the face of serendipity.<p>

The medical staff debated endlessly about whether or not it was too risky for Shepard to nurse Hope. As tiny as their daughter was, it was still a significant amount of weight to place on Shepard's still-fragile abdomen. In addition, there were concerns about stitches being snagged by flailing limbs. The argument ultimately proved moot. Shepard began expressing milk for the baby while she was still in the NICU, and she chose to continue doing so once she was released. This way, Hope acquired nourishment from her mother without putting her healing body at risk. Shepard was not to lift the baby, or anything else weighing over two kilograms – on that, they all agreed. It was going to be up to Joker to lug their new bundle of joy around for now.

Shepard's aloof demeanor persisted. There was no doubt that not being able to hold the infant hindered the process, but she didn't seem particularly interested in bonding with her daughter. She was content to let Joker handle the feedings and diaper changes. He didn't mind, but he was concerned with her lack of engagement. It'd been bad enough when he'd been the one bearing the brunt of her disenfranchisement, but now Hope was suffering, as well. On those occasions when the baby was inconsolable, he couldn't help but wonder if she was merely longing for her mother's attention.

Cortez picked them up on the day of their release from the hospital. Joker buckled Hope into the infant seat and slid into the back next to her while Shepard sat up front next to Steve. The lieutenant chattered happily for a while, until he realized that no one else was participating in the conversation. Shepard stared silently out the window at the city, and Joker realized that she was seeing it for the first time since the final battle. He wondered what it looked like through her eyes. He'd gotten used to the destruction over the past months, and could even see the progress that had been made towards recovery, minimal though it might be. Did Shepard see a city that had been saved, or one that had been lost? Her expressionless profile revealed nothing.

Mounting the stairs to their apartment was a long and painful excursion. Joker cursed himself for not considering the obstacle that the climb would present sooner – he was used to thinking about his own physical limitations, but never Shepard's. Cortez kindly offered to lug the sleeping baby in her seat, for which Joker was immensely grateful. He made a mental note to talk to Cortez and Vega about switching apartments, if only temporarily.

Shepard took in her new surroundings without comment. Joker had salvaged a crib from the items donated at the base and cleaned it thoroughly. It resided in the small bedroom alongside a dilapidated double bed. The living room held a sofa with stained and lumpy cushions, and the small dining/kitchen area was dwarfed by a round, wooden table with four mismatched chairs. Some of the furniture had been in the apartment, and Joker had found the other items discarded around the city. James had helped him lug them home. It certainly wasn't lavish, but he'd done his best to make it warm and welcoming. However, his efforts seemed to be going largely unnoticed by the newest resident.

Cortez set the carrier down gently on the floor and slipped out without a word. Shepard had drifted over to the windows and was once again gazing out, vacantly. Joker moved beside her and wrapped an arm loosely around her waist. She flinched from his touch and he dropped the limb, rebuffed.

"Welcome home," he offered softly, and she turned in his direction.

"Thanks," she said in a flat tone, with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. Then she trudged toward the privacy of the bedroom, leaving him standing alone, silhouetted by the setting sun.

* * *

><p><em>Jeff,<em>

_Sorry for the delay in responding to your messages, but we've been a little distracted around here. Following in her cousin's footsteps, Lucy Grace was born nine days after Hope, weighing in at 3265 grams and measuring 46 centimeters long. She was a little jaundiced when she arrived, but a few hours under the lights and she was fine. I've attached some holos, and thank you for the images of your beautiful little girl. I was thrilled to hear that Hope was out of the NICU and that you were all headed home, together._

_I can tell that you're still concerned about Sam, and I don't blame you. She's been through so much, and it breaks my heart to think that she's suffering in solitude. I know how much you love her and understand that you just want to be there for her. I hope, for both of your sake's, that she'll allow you to be. _

_You're all in my thoughts and prayers, little bro. I miss you and love you tons._

_Jules_

* * *

><p>He needn't have worried about the stairs, because Shepard largely refused to leave the dwelling. She made exceptions for visits to Hope's pediatrician, and for her own follow-up appointments, mostly because Chakwas forced her to go. She attended her physical therapy sporadically, at best. The light on her personal terminal blinked furiously as messages went ignored. Apparently, Admiral Hackett was one of the neglected, because he showed up at their door about a week after Shepard came home, looking rather unhappy.<p>

"I was glad to hear that you were finally released from the hospital, Commander. You're looking well," the admiral remarked once he and Shepard had been seated at the kitchen table. Joker perched on the couch, trying to appear unobtrusive, but there wasn't far that he could go in the small domicile. Hope was asleep in her crib, and he preferred not to retreat to the bedroom and risk waking her.

"Thank you, sir," Shepard replied, stiffly.

Quickly dispensing with the small talk, Hackett continued, "As you know, the allies that you recruited in our fight against the Reapers have been stuck in our system since the war ended. It's been months now, and they're growing restless. I think it would be very helpful for you to address them and assuage their fears. For better or worse, you're the face of humanity. They don't know, or trust, anyone else."

"With all due respect, Admiral, I don't know what I could say to them to alleviate their concerns. Until the relays reopen, things are going to be tense."

"I understand that, Commander. I'm asking you to speak to them, anyway."

Shepard was silent for a long time, and then she said, "I'll think about it."

Joker was so shocked that he almost fell off the sofa. It was clear to him that Hackett's appeal had been, for all intents and purposes, a demand. The Alliance was used to issuing orders to Shepard in the form of requests, since she'd always been willing to do whatever they asked. But now, she'd refused. By the heavy pause that followed, Joker surmised that Hackett was as stunned as he was.

"Very well, Commander," the admiral eventually said, rising from his seat. "Please let me know your decision as soon as possible."

"I will."

With one more disbelieving glance, Hackett let himself out of the apartment, closing the door behind him. Shepard remained seated at the table, and Joker regarded her thoughtfully. Who the hell was this woman he was living with, anyway? Certainly not the Shepard that he knew.

* * *

><p>Joker was unable to continue flying now that Hope required his constant attention. Being trapped in the apartment with a demanding infant and a mute partner quickly began to take its toll. He was cleaning up after a breakfast that he'd prepared when there was a knock on the door. When Shepard made no move to answer it, he heaved an exasperated sigh and opened it to find James on the other side.<p>

"Hey, Ace. Is Lola here?"

Joker nodded, leaving the door open to allow James access. "Shepard, James is here." He passed her as she rose from the sofa and he went into the bedroom to check on Hope.

"Hey," he heard her greet Vega.

"Hey. I wanted to see if you wanted to go for a walk with me. I figured it would do us both some good. You can put Peanut in her carrier thing and I'll lug her around – like dumbbells, but cuter."

"No, thanks."

"Come on, Lola. You gotta get out of this place once in a while."

"I don't feel like it, James."

James' voice lowered to a harsh whisper. "Look, Lola, I know you're feeling guilty about Scars…"

"I don't want to talk about that!" she snapped, and Joker felt a flash of envy. At least Vega could get something out of her besides stony silence. Quite an achievement, these days.

"Well, that's just fine, 'cause I'm talking. You can listen, for once," Vega retorted sharply. When Shepard didn't reply, Joker heard him continue. "I know this galaxy has given you the impression that it bends to your will, Lola, but that's not always the case. You look around and all you see are the ones who were lost. But what about everyone you saved? If it had been me instead of Scars, I wouldn't have blamed you, Lola. You need to stop blaming yourself. Those two in there," he said, clearly indicating Joker and Hope, "they deserve better from you." Vega softened the steely edge of his tone a bit. "Punishing them, or yourself, isn't going to bring anyone back. Shit, Lola…aren't they what you were fighting for in the first place?"

There was a long silence and then Joker heard Vega sigh. "Anyway…if you change your mind about the walk, you know where to find me. Just think about what I said, okay?" There was no response, and a few seconds later Joker heard the front door open and shut.

Hope was blinking blearily at him from her crib, so he picked her up and carried her into the living room, where Shepard still stood, staring at the closed door. She must have heard him come into the room, because she spun around when he entered, looking like a cornered animal. For the first time in recent memory, he could see the emotions dancing behind her eyes – sorrow, fear, grief, anger, remorse – and tears threatened in those green depths. But before Joker could say or do anything, the blank mask slipped back into place, and he almost believed he'd only imagined it.

She stomped past him, into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. The noise startled Hope, who started to shriek. "Great," he muttered, trying to shush her as he retrieved a bottle from the refrigerator. "Just fan-fucking-tastic." Hope's tears seemed to indicate that she agreed with this assessment, but at least she quit screaming when he popped the bottle into her mouth. Joker watched the baby eat as the despair washed over him. This situation could not continue this way. Something had to give.

* * *

><p><em>Jules,<em>

_Thanks – we think Hope is pretty damn cute, too. But then again, we might be biased. Lucy's quite a looker, as well – the kids are blessed with the Moreau genes. Would you expect anything less?_

_I don't know what to say about Shep, sis. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get through to her. Being a single parent is more than I bargained for, and while I don't mind taking care of Hope, I can't help but feel like she's being shortchanged. I don't begrudge Shepard taking whatever time she needs to deal with things, but I wish she would just _talk _to me. I'm trying to be patient, but I'll admit, the frustration is almost overwhelming at times. I wish I knew how to make everything better._

_Love your sleep-deprived brother,_

_Jeff _

* * *

><p>Surprisingly, Hackett was the one who broke the stalemate. After several unproductive vid comm chats with Shepard, he paid her another personal visit. There were no pleasantries this time around.<p>

"Commander. You have been on injured reserve status since your incapacitation. We are prepared to place you on active leave, with full pay and benefits, and to extend this leave for as long as it's necessary, in light of your exemplary service."

Shepard, who had obviously been expecting a rebuke, looked surprised by this news. "Thank you, sir."

"However, regulations require that you pass both a physical and mental evaluation before you're placed in active status. You no longer qualify for injured reserve. If you choose not to submit to these evaluations, you may face consequences, up to and including the loss of your rank and benefits, and possibly even dishonorable discharge. After everything you've done, I think we can all agree that this would be an ignominious ending to a fine career."

Joker had to hand it to him – the old bastard was good. He had Shepard over a barrel and they all knew it. Under normal circumstances, Joker would have resented the hell out of it – but these circumstances were anything but normal.

"These are the doctors who must sign off on your return to duty," the admiral said, handing Shepard a small square of paper. "Again, you will still be on leave for as long as you require. This is merely a formality. You need to see them both within the week, and abide by their recommendations. Failure to do so may result in the aforementioned repercussions."

When Hackett spoke again, his voice was gentle. "I've known you a long time, Shepard. You are perhaps the finest soldier I've ever encountered, as well as an extraordinary young woman. It pains me to see you this way, but you need help. Please, do as I ask. Not for me, or for the Alliance, or even for your family and friends. Do it for yourself." With a nod in Joker's direction, the admiral let himself out.

Shepard remained motionless, clutching the scrap that Hackett had given her. When she finally turned her gaze in Joker's direction, he said, "So. What are you going to do?"

Regarding him resentfully, she said, "I guess I'm going to make these appointments." She tossed the paper onto the table and stalked away unhappily. Joker managed to keep the relieved grin from his face until she was out of range.

Finally, something had prodded her from her stupor. It was about fucking time.

* * *

><p>The sound of the baby's crying pulled Joker from a deep slumber. He squinted at Shepard's unmoving form lying next to him, apparently undisturbed by the wailing. With a groan, he rolled onto his side and off the edge of the bed.<p>

"I'm up, I'm up," he muttered, stumbling blindly toward the crib. He stubbed his toe on something and swore as he reached down to pick up his caterwauling daughter. Her screams subsided to sniffles as she regarded him with glistening aquamarine eyes.

He carried her into the kitchen and put a pot of water on the stove to boil. He pulled a bottle out of the old refrigerator, which rattled alarmingly and only kept things cool, rather than cold. He paced around the room with the baby in his arms while the bottle warmed. Once it was ready, he turned off the burner and returned to the bedroom, where he once again settled onto the saggy mattress.

Awakened by the creaky springs, Shepard opened her eyes and regarded them sleepily.

"The baby's hungry," he said, unnecessarily. "Do you want to feed her?"

"No, thanks. You go ahead."

"The bottle's already heated," he cajoled. "You can just give it to her."

"I said, no!" Shepard rose from the bed in a huff and stomped from the room. Hope started to fuss once more at the delay, and with a sigh, Joker leaned back against the wall and fed her while murmuring soothingly. She fell asleep about halfway through the meal, her little rosebud mouth still puckered around the nipple. He extricated the bottle gently, placed her back in the crib, and went to find Shepard.

She was sitting in front of the grimy window in a straight-backed chair, with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, watching the sun appear over the horizon. Even though it was summer in London, the weather was dreary and the drafty apartment was always cold, especially in the mornings.

"You should come back to bed for a while. You have that appointment with the therapist later this morning."

"I don't want to talk to anyone."

"Yeah, well, I think that's the reason they're making you go." As soon as the words slipped out, he regretted them. Lately, his resentment at Shepard's remoteness had been becoming more difficult to disguise. But being snarky wasn't going to accomplish anything productive.

If she registered the rebuke, it didn't show. He got no response, nor had he expected one. Shaking his head in defeat, he turned and left her sitting alone, shivering in the light of the breaking dawn.

* * *

><p><em>Jeff,<em>

_I think about you, Sam and Hope a lot. I miss you, little brother. I haven't mentioned this before, but Brian and I were going through a rough patch back when we saw you on Arcturus. My pregnancy with Lucy was unplanned, and we were both already feeling stressed out and overwhelmed just trying to deal with the boys. But when the invasion happened, and then the evacuation, I realized that the only thing that mattered to me was my family. After the war was over, I thought about how much that you and Shepard had risked so that we could survive, and how you almost lost everything, and I felt so ashamed of my selfishness._

_I know that you already know this, but nothing's more important than looking out for the people that you love. Nothing. There will always be difficult stretches, and there will be times when you feel like giving up, but you just have to ride it out. All that you can do right now is take care of Hope, and be there for Sam when she's ready to let you in. I know it feels impossible, but I know that you can do it. You've always been stronger than you give yourself credit for. _

_I'm always here if you need me,_

_Jules_

* * *

><p>Later that day, they sat together, sullen and silent, in the therapist's office. Joker had only intended to accompany her as far as the waiting room, but when the counselor had spotted him, she'd insisted that he join the session. They'd left James with a napping Hope. He'd agreed willingly enough once Joker had assured him that his duties would not include changing diapers.<p>

The therapist, whose name was Camille, and who was younger than either of them by several years, inquired perkily, "So, how have things been going, Commander Shepard?"

"Fine."

Joker scoffed. Shepard glared in his direction.

"I understand that you've been going to physical therapy for your injuries?"

"Yes."

"How has that been going? Do you feel like you're making progress?"

She shrugged one shoulder. "Sure."

"It's hard to imagine how, when you don't go to half of your appointments, and you don't do the exercises they assign you when you do," Joker muttered, darkly.

"What? You're ratting on me, now?" Shepard hissed.

"Counseling doesn't do you any good if you don't tell the truth," he pointed out, feeling like the universe's biggest hypocrite. But the truth was, he couldn't take much more of this shadow Shepard, and he was willing to try anything to break through her apathetic façade.

"Why aren't you cooperating with your therapy, Commander?" the counselor asked.

"I am," she replied, throwing Joker a warning scowl. "I'm still in a lot of pain from my injuries, and my daughter's birth," she admitted, looking embarrassed. "Sometimes I can't do what they ask of me."

Joker gawked at her, astonished. For her to acknowledge that she was suffering, the discomfort had to be pretty severe, yet she hadn't mentioned anything to him. He didn't think that Shepard had ever been physically incapable of accomplishing anything in her life. It was obviously upsetting for her.

"Have you mentioned this to the doctors or therapists?"

"No," she muttered, head down.

"Don't you think that you should?"

She merely shrugged again.

After a pause, during which the counselor seemed to realize that the gesture was the only forthcoming response, she tried again. "How have you been feeling mentally?"

Shepard merely sat with her head bowed, mute. Finally, Joker supplied, "She's been withdrawn. She won't talk to me. She won't interact with our daughter. I'm worried about her."

Shepard flinched, but didn't reply. Camille asked, gently, "Would you agree with the assessment that you've been withdrawn lately, Commander?"

She took so long to answer that Joker assumed she was planning to ignore the question. She'd become quite proficient at that, lately. But then, she whispered, "I keep having these dreams, only I'm not asleep. I'm back on the battlefield, approaching the beacon." When she lifted her head, her eyes were unfocused, staring blankly at the wall over the counselor's shoulder. "I can smell the dust and blood; hear the screams. I get confused sometimes, thinking that I died that day and that this is all in my imagination. I don't know what's real. Everyone keeps saying that we won, but sometimes, it doesn't feel that way, at all."

At these words, a blinding rage filled Joker's mind, and his temper finally snapped. "Bullshit."

Both women gaped at him. "What was that?" Camille asked politely, but he and Shepard had locked eyes, and this time, he wasn't backing down.

"I said, that's bullshit. Every day that I wake up here, with you and Hope, I know that we won. I spent too many days sitting in the hospital, waiting for you to come back to me, for this not to feel like a victory. What about all that stuff you said before the final battle, Shepard? About how if we let the Reapers take our lives away from us, then we let them win? Was that all a bunch of lies?"

"Lieutenant Moreau," the therapist tried to interrupt, but he steamrolled over her.

"You're not the only one who lost someone, Shep. My parents are MIA. I watched EDI die, right in front of my eyes. Kaidan, Mordin, Thane, Garrus…they were my friends, too. Maybe I don't feel the pain of their loss as deeply, but I still grieve for them. And I have to say, the way you are now, a shell of the person that you used to be – they'd be embarrassed to see you like this. It's a disgrace to their memories."

Fury flashed in Shepard's eyes, and her face flushed with anger. She rasped, "Fuck you, Jeff."

"No, fuck you, Shepard!" he retorted, his voice rising in agitation. "I risked the lives of everyone aboard the Normandy to rescue you, and this is the gratitude you show? To say that you don't even know if we won or not? If you can't tell the difference, then maybe I should have left you there to die, after all." Joker's heart was racing with adrenaline; his pulse pounded in his ears.

Stunned silence greeted this blasphemy. But damned if it didn't feel good to rage; to release the worry, fear, and frustration of the past few months. And it felt even better to see her react, to fight back – to give some kind of a sign that the Shepard he knew and loved was still in there, somewhere.

"Maybe you should have," she spit, eyes glinting dangerously.

"Is that what you want, Shepard? To die, like the others? To take the easy way out?"

With an inarticulate snarl, she lunged at him. Unfortunately, Joker was caught completely unprepared. Injured or no, she was still Shepard – feral and enraged. He heard his ulna snap as she landed on top of him, swinging and not pulling her punches. Joker could barely hear Camille shouting, "Commander!" over Shepard's incoherent shrieking. She vented her pent-up grief and rage, fists flailing, as Joker did his best to shield himself from the barrage. He had plenty of time to reflect upon the fact that he'd brought this upon himself before Shepard finally began to wind down, sobbing, and he wrapped his good arm around her as Camille looked on, dumbfounded.

She cried for a long time while he held her trembling form against his body and murmured words of comfort. The counselor fetched a box of tissues and a glass of water and set them on the table next to Joker before retreating stealthily from the room. Finally, Shepard's shudders abated, and she seemed to realize that Joker was still buried under her frame.

"Oh, crap!" she exclaimed, scrambling backwards. "Did I hurt you?"

He struggled upright, wincing. "Other than the broken arm and multiple bruises, I think I'm okay."

"Shit! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"S'okay. I should have known better than to antagonize the infamous Commander Shepard. It was actually worth it to see that she's still alive and kicking, so to speak."

Tears of remorse joined the others currently streaking down her face. She looked haggard and haunted in the artificial light of the office. "I don't want you to ever think that I'm not happy to be here, Jeff, or that I'm not grateful that I survived. I love you and Hope so much, and I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to either of you."

"I know, Shep," he said, soothingly. "I know."

"I'm doing the best I can, but some days, it's all I can do just to silence the war in my head. Please don't give up on me," she implored.

She was breaking his heart, and he was suddenly overwhelmed with guilt for taunting her the way that he had. "Come here," he said, pulling her against him once more. Her tears soaked his shirt as he rubbed her back gently, mindful of both of their numerous injuries. "I'm never going to give up on you, and I'm never going anywhere. Ever. I just want to be here for you, like you've always been there for me. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to help you. Okay?"

She nodded, unable to speak, and he held her until the shaking once again diminished. When the worst had passed, he pulled away slightly and gently wiped the tears from her face. He grasped her chin lightly but firmly between his fingers and waited until she met his gaze with her own watery one. Then he said, softly and deliberately, "Shepard…we won."

Her eyes slid away as she replied, "I know. It's just that…"

He cut her off. "No." He waited until her eyes once again sought his before continuing. "I mean, we won. Everything that we sacrificed, everything that _you_ accomplished…it worked. We defeated the Reapers. We survived. We won. It cost us dearly, maybe more than we ever imagined, but we _won._" Even as he was saying it, Joker realized that he'd never really thought of it in these terms, either. After the war had ended, he'd been so worried about Shepard, and then Hope had come along. They'd been so busy mourning their losses, and coping with their new circumstances, that they hadn't ever really celebrated their victory. They were going to have to rectify that – to gather their friends together and revel in the fact that they'd achieved the impossible and lived to tell about it. It would do them all some good, he thought.

Comprehension dawned in her eyes, and she repeated the words back to him, wonderingly. "We beat them. We destroyed the Reapers. And we're still here."

"Yes." It seemed so obvious, but with the exception of when she'd first awoken, they'd never even spoken the words aloud.

"We won," she whispered. "We fucking won."

Pulling her close once again, he said, "Yeah, Shepard. We fucking won."


	40. No Giving Up

"_So your scars fade away, you've soaked up the pain_

_A better person 'cause you lived through those days_

_And now you know what it's like to prove_

_You can overcome anything that gets to you_

_Well, it's all right, we're sayin' our goodbyes_

_To the past and everything that ain't right_

_We won't waste another day_

_With all these silly things in our way"_

**No Giving Up – Crossfade**

* * *

><p><strong>Six Months Later<strong>

"_Shepard!" Joker peered through the gloom, choking on the dust. He took one careful step after another, wading through the rubble. "Shepard!"_

_He heard something up ahead, and picked up his pace. His foot struck an obstacle and he stumbled, but caught himself before he fell. Glancing down, he saw that what he'd tripped over was a corpse. It grinned up at him through a ruined face. He tore his gaze away and called again, "Shepard!"_

"_Jeff!" He could make out a silhouette through the murkiness, and relief coursed through him. She was still alive! He hurried toward her location, stopping ten steps away. Shepard stood, covered in blood, staring at him blankly. _

"_It's okay, Shepard. I came to get you, just like I said that I would." He took a step forward, but she took a corresponding one in reverse. It was then that he realized they were standing on a metal platform, high above a fathomless void. He took another step, and she once again backed away._

"_I'm here, Shep," he told her, extending his hand. "Just hold on to me. I won't let you go." One last step, and she teetered on the edge of the precipice. She glanced down, over the edge, and then back at Joker. _

"_I'm sorry," she said as she stepped into empty space._

"_No!" _

* * *

><p>Joker jolted awake, heart racing. The bedroom was quiet in the pre-dawn dimness. He must not have cried out loud, because he hadn't woken Shepard or Hope. Shepard slept on her side, facing away from him. He slid closer and reached for her with a trembling hand. She murmured and stirred, settling into his embrace, and he planted a soft kiss on her bare shoulder. She must have felt him quivering, because she turned her head, eyes seeking his.<p>

"The dream again?" she inquired, concerned, and he nodded. She lifted the hand that was wrapped around her waist to her lips, kissed it gently, and then pulled his arm more tightly around her. He held her until his tremors subsided and the remnants of the nightmare dissipated.

He'd been having the same dream for months. He didn't need a shrink to interpret it for him – it was blatant in its symbolism. During one of their sessions, Camille had asked, "What scares you the most?" Shepard had pondered briefly, and then replied, "Not being able to protect the people that I love." Joker hadn't had to think about his answer. "The thought of losing Shepard for good."

They'd continued with the therapy, even after the counselor had signed off on Hackett's paperwork. Their mild-mannered therapist had stunned them both by turning out to be part drill sergeant. She'd returned to the room after their little blow-out and had said, "I know that you're both soldiers, and you're used to using violence to resolve conflict, but that's the last time I'm going to tolerate it in this office. Got it?"

They'd both nodded meekly, chastised.

"Good." She'd nodded briskly. "So, this is your homework. Commander, you're going to speak to your doctors and physical trainers about the difficulties that you're having. You're a strong, relatively-healthy young woman, and there's no reason that you can't recover most, or all, of your functioning with some effort. And I don't get the impression that you're the kind of person who shrinks from hard work, are you?"

"No."

"Good. You owe it to yourself and to the people who depend upon you to take care of yourself. If your treatment plan isn't working for you, then it can be modified, but ignoring the problem is no longer an option. Understood?"

Shepard had nodded her agreement.

"Okay. Now, about the argument you had here today – both of your viewpoints are valid. Lieutenant, you have to let Shepard grieve in her own way, and in her own time. Although you feel like you understand what she's been through, you don't – not really. You each experienced the same events in different ways. If she feels like she's going to be judged for her emotions, she's going to pull away from you. And I know you don't want that, now do you?"

"No," he'd said, guiltily. "I'm sorry."

Shepard's hand had snaked into his, and when he'd glanced up, she'd given him an encouraging smile, which he'd returned gratefully.

"And Shepard, even though you're mourning the loss of your friends, you need to take some time each day to appreciate what you still have, including a partner and child who love you. Some of your friends did survive the war, no?"

"Yes."

"Okay. You need to utilize your support network. You don't have to share all of your innermost thoughts and feelings, but I would like you to socialize a bit. I want you to try to focus on what you've retained rather than on what you've lost. Understand?"

Shepard had nodded one last time.

"Fantastic. Then I'll see you next week. Oh, and make sure you get that arm looked at, hmm?" she'd admonished Joker, who'd been instinctively cradling the injured limb against his chest.

Camille had refrained from authorizing Shepard's transfer to active leave until she'd been sure that the commander was following her "recommendations." For her part, Shepard hadn't walked out of Camille's office that day healed, but she'd certainly been galvanized. At James' suggestion, she'd started attending physical therapy with him. Lance brooked no nonsense from either of them, and Vega and Shepard pushed each other just by their mutual presence. Everything turned into a competition, and they both hated to lose. Lance and Steve had become an official item, and the therapist had proven himself to be a charming and welcome addition to their social group.

There were rustling noises from the crib as Hope began to stir, and Joker said, "I'll get her."

"Okay. I'll go warm a bottle." Gracing his cheek with a quick peck, Shepard crawled out from under the covers and zipped on her hoodie as Joker lifted the baby out of her prison.

"Hey there, Peanut." James' nickname for her had stuck. "How are you this morning?"

Hope gurgled and cooed as she tried to grab his nose, and Joker made sure to hold her beyond arm's reach. Her tiny, uncoordinated fingers were just as likely to end up in your eye, or up your nostril, as on her intended target.

He changed her and settled onto the bed with the baby on his lap just as Shepard came back into the room juggling a bottle along with two mugs of coffee. Being Commander Shepard entitled her to some luxury provisions, and coffee was one of them. Although, as parents of an infant, it was more of a necessity than an extravagance. She handed him the bottle and settled next to them, gently brushing a few wisps of hair back from her daughter's brow. The baby latched on and guzzled greedily, eying them both curiously.

"So, what do you think of being a dad so far?" Shepard asked, softly.

"Well, if you're overly fond of sleeping, it doesn't have much to recommend it. But other than that, I'd say it's pretty cool."

"She's amazing, isn't she?"

"She's perfect. She gets that from you."

Shepard snorted. "She howls like a banshee when she wants something."

"Yeah, well, she gets that from you, too."

Shepard punched him playfully, and he laughed. Mimicking him, the baby grinned, causing milk to drool out of the corners of her mouth. As corny as it was, he lived for these moments – just the three of them, together as a family. And there were increasingly more of them these days, for which he was eternally grateful. In addition to the counseling and physical therapy, Shepard's pain medications had been adjusted to a level where she could be comfortable, yet still function. That, along with a mild antidepressant, had made a world of difference. She still had her bad days, when the physical or emotional pain won the battle, but overall, she now seemed to be winning the war.

"Your terminal was blinking," she told him as Hope finished eating and started to squirm. "Your sister, maybe?"

"Probably," he replied, handing the baby to her so that he could take a sip of his now lukewarm coffee. "Are you nervous about today?"

She shrugged. "Not nervous, exactly. Apprehensive? It's going to be emotional."

"Yeah. But you'll do great."

She gave him a grateful smile as he rose and carried his mug into the living room. She followed with the baby in her arms. He sat at the table and opened his messages as Shepard settled onto the floor with Hope.

* * *

><p><em>Hey Bro – <em>

_Thanks for the new holos of Hope. She's so damn cute. She has a mischievous twinkle in those sparkling green eyes of hers, though – can't imagine where _that_ might have come from! You and Sam are going to have your hands full someday, if you don't already. I attached some new ones of Lucy. She's growing like a weed. The boys have gotten over the novelty of having a little sister, and pretty much just ignore her now. I can't wait to meet my niece someday, and for you to meet yours._

_I understand what you're saying about Mom and Dad, but I'm not ready to give up hope yet. I can't help but think about how much Mom would love to know that she has not one, but two, granddaughters to spoil! She loved (loves, Jules, loves) the boys, don't get me wrong, but she would be ecstatic over Lucy and Hope, don't you think?_

_I know that today is the big day, and we'll all be watching and cheering for you from here. You know that I've always been so proud of you, and you and Sam have earned this honor, without a doubt. Have you decided whether or not you're going to stay in the Alliance? I, for one, would not be sad if you retired, but you have to do what's best for you._

_I love you for saying that you want to wait to get married until we can all be together, but if you get impatient, I want you to know that I'll understand. They keep saying that the relays will be back online soon, but who knows? You can't put your life on hold forever. We've all learned that lesson the hard way._

_Say hi to Sam. Hugs and kisses to you all, _

_Jules_

* * *

><p>Joker took another sip of his coffee and pondered his response before hitting reply. He glanced toward the living room, where Shepard was lying on the floor with her knees tucked up to her chin, their daughter balanced across her legs, facedown. Hope enjoyed "flying" this way, and it had the added benefit of strengthening the "flyer's" recovering abdominal muscles at the same time. Of course, the disadvantage was that the "flyer" also occasionally ended up covered in spit up. It wasn't the best game for after mealtimes.<p>

Shepard felt his gaze on them and smiled at him, upside down. "Say hi to daddy," she encouraged the baby, moving her legs so that Hope swooped from side to side. She giggled wildly, and Joker smiled in response.

"Hey, baby," he said. "Make sure you buckle up. Mommy's a terrible pilot."

Shepard stuck her tongue out at him and Hope giggled again. He didn't know how much she understood, but she certainly seemed to find her parents amusing. He turned back to his message.

* * *

><p><em>Hey Sis,<em>

_If you want to hold out hope about Mom and Dad, then I'm certainly not going to tell you otherwise. But it's been almost a year, and it's hard to imagine that they wouldn't have tried to reach one of us in all that time if they were still alive. But you never know. You can't imagine the devastation here unless you see it for yourself. Millions dead, many of them unaccounted for. It's been really hard for Shepard to see her home this way. Like it was for me seeing Arcturus, I guess. Shepard tells me that where we are now – London – was once a beautiful and historic city. Now it's just rubble. But the survivors are resilient, and they're rebuilding, just like they are everywhere. That's all that any of us can do._

_We're both still officially in the Alliance – we're on leave, and have been since the war ended. This means that we get pay and benefits, but don't have to work. It's a pretty sweet deal, if you can get it. But it won't last forever. I have no intention of going back to active duty. I love flying, but hate the politics. And I've seen enough fighting to last me a lifetime. They offered me a position as a flight instructor, but I don't know. Until the relays open, it would be just local hops. That would be like hiring a gourmet chef to work at a fast-food restaurant. They don't need someone like me for that. _

_I don't think Shepard will escape so easily, however. They would make her High Priestess Grand Poobah Elite Ruler of the Universe, if she only asked, and I don't think the Alliance will let her go without a fight. The most likely scenario is they'll offer her a promotion - with high visibility, little responsibility and lots of pay - and that would be fine with me. But it's up to her. Physically, she'll never be cleared for combat again, but I think she's as okay with that as I am with not flying anymore. It's time for a new chapter in our lives, one where we don't have to worry about getting killed on a daily basis._

_Yes, the memorial ceremony is today. Your brother is getting a Star of Terra – can you believe that shit? And, of course, Shepard's going to be honored, along with the rest of the Normandy's crew. I'm not one for a big hullabaloo, but this is a pretty big deal. Hope you're able to watch._

_As far as the wedding goes, don't worry. We've talked about it, and we're willing to wait. It's not going to be anything extravagant, but we want you guys there. We're in no hurry. Hope and Shep and I have all the time in the world. And the unofficial official word is that the relays _will _be back up soon. So hang in there._

_I love you, too, sis. See you soon,_

_Jeff _

* * *

><p>He sat back with a sigh and reread the message before hitting "send." He knew that he really shouldn't be dropping hints about the relays, since it wasn't public knowledge yet, but he trusted his sister not to spread rumors. Liara had informed them that the Sol relay was 90% operational already. The problem was that the relays worked in a series, and one active relay was no good without the connecting ones. The scientists and engineers were confident that they would be able to get the whole network functioning again, but they didn't want to raise expectations prematurely. Things were already tense with the various alien races waiting - with dwindling patience - for the day when they could go home. It was understandable, but it created a combustible situation, nonetheless.<p>

"We should probably start getting ready," Shepard said, reluctantly. "James and Steve will be here soon."

"I'll get Hope dressed while you get ready, and then you can take her," he offered, and she nodded in agreement, handing the baby to him. They went into the bedroom and Shepard pulled on her dress blues – new uniforms had been furnished specifically for this special occasion. Joker bundled Hope into a fleece jumpsuit with a hood. They'd had a cute dress for her to wear, but the day had dawned damp and dreary - not unusual for winter in London - and warmth took precedence over fashion. He was just tying his shoes when there was a knock on the door. Shepard opened it and admitted Cortez and Vega, both looking groomed and polished. A solemn hush fell over the room as they realized that this was the first time they'd all been together, in uniform, since before the final battle. Then Hope screeched impatiently and broke the tension.

"C'mere, Peanut," James said, holding the baby while Shepard got her wrapped in a blanket and stuffed into her carrier. She started to fuss at all the poking and prodding until James strapped her to his massive chest. Mollified, she immediately began trying to poke her fingers in his mouth. He pretended to munch on them, making "_nom nom nom_" noises, and she giggled.

They started out the door but then Shepard said, "Hold on!" She disappeared into the bedroom, and quickly returned with Garrus' visor, which she slipped into Hope's diaper bag. "All right. Let's do this thing." They all headed out into the cold.

* * *

><p>Hackett met them at the memorial. "Commander. Lieutenants," he greeted them. They saluted and he returned the gesture. "The remaining crew of the Normandy will be seated on the stage," he informed them, gesturing to a raised platform at the near end of the square. "The ceremony won't start for another hour. Feel free to look around."<p>

The Alliance Freedom Memorial was massive in scale. Two gleaming walls of brushed metal lined the borders of the site, approximately ten feet tall and stretching for over a mile into the distance. The names of every serviceman and woman who'd died in the war against the Reapers were etched into the metal in Alliance blue. At the head of the monument, just before the stage, was a looming, ebony replica of the memorial wall aboard the Normandy. When it'd been created, the names of non-Alliance personnel were originally going to be omitted, but Shepard had insisted that they be included. Now, their little group approached the wall, and Shepard ran her fingers over the names – _Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, Mordin Solus, Thane Krios, Garrus Vakarian, Admiral David Anderson._

"Okay?" Joker murmured to Shepard, and she nodded, mustering a small smile. He gave her an encouraging squeeze. The memorial was a beautiful, but somber, reminder of all that they'd lost. It made him feel humbled, and melancholy, and grateful to be alive.

Traynor, Daniels and Donnelly appeared, followed closely by Chakwas and Adams. Hugs and greetings were exchanged, and Hope was doted upon, much to her delight. She was passed around, going willingly to everyone until she got to Donnelly. She took one look at him and her bottom lip immediately began to tremble, causing everyone to laugh and Daniels to snatch her away before she could devolve into a full-blown crying jag. Donnelly groused dejectedly, feelings injured, until Shepard promised him that it was nothing personal. The engineer appeared only somewhat appeased by her reassurances.

A young woman with an earpiece approached them and said, "We're going to begin letting the spectators into the square. It might be best if you all stay out of sight until the ceremony is scheduled to begin. I have a private area arranged, if you'll follow me?"

They traipsed after their hostess under threatening grey skies as Liara and Tali materialized. Shepard had cajoled both of them into attending, assuring them that they could neglect their respective duties for one day to receive the recognition that they so undoubtedly deserved. Wrex and Grunt had been an even harder sell, but Shepard was not known for her lack of persuasive skills. The krogan joined the group, grumbling unhappily. Shepard hugged them both warmly, increasing their displeasure. Despite the solemnity of the event, the boisterousness of the gathering increased along with their numbers, falling back on the bravado that had always marked their squad. The only way to walk into hell on a daily basis was with a smile on your face and your friends at your side. Or so the members of the Normandy's crew had always firmly believed.

"Where's Jack?" Joker asked Shepard, trying in vain to spot Hope amongst the throng. He couldn't even remember who'd been holding her last.

"I don't know, but she'd better be here soon. I threatened her with bodily harm and hours of community service in the form of changing diapers if she doesn't show up on time, and dressed appropriately."

The Alliance had balked at issuing medals to the Normandy's non-human crewmembers, but had eventually compromised by agreeing to acknowledge them individually. The entire crew wasn't going to be here today, however. Miranda had gone completely off the grid, although Shepard had gotten an e-mail from an untraceable source saying, "Glad to hear you're alive. And thank you – for everything." Kasumi was in the wind, as well, but Shepard heard from her occasionally. Apparently, she was a post-apocalyptic Robin Hood, stealing from the rich and giving to the refugees. She seemed to delight in her new role. Jacob had been unable to make it because Brynn was due to deliver any day now; and Samara was back on Thessia, assisting with the recovery effort.

No concession had been able to be reached in the matter of their synthetic allies, however. The geth and AIs had for too long been considered a threat for the Alliance to publicly recognize them as otherwise. The Normandy's crew had held a private memorial for EDI. They'd gathered around Dr. Eva Core's body and remembered the AI's bravery, loyalty and, well, humanness. Then they'd destroyed the synthetic shell, as well as the VI program that was all that had remained of their teammate. It had seemed wrong to keep it functioning – like a body without a soul. EDI's name was on the Normandy's memorial wall, even if it wasn't on this one.

And so was Legion's. The quarians who'd been left behind on Rannoch were currently struggling with a complex moral dilemma. The geth were valuable tools, even merely as VI's serving the purpose they'd originally been designed for – heavy, manual labor. But many quarians felt that after everything that had happened, it was wrong to use them that way. Still others felt that it was inevitable that they would once again acquire self-awareness, and the cycle of violence would start anew. Once the fleet returned home, they would have a difficult decision to make.

Joker spied Hope in Chakwas' arms just as Collins and some of the other peripheral crew arrived. He went to retrieve her as Earpiece Lady popped her head in and said, "Ten minutes!" He was carrying the baby back toward Shepard when Jack came running up.

"It's about damn time!" Shepard admonished her. "Where have you been? And what the hell are you wearing?"

The biotic glanced down at her attire in confusion. "What? Everything's covered!"

"Barely," Shepard retorted. Jack wore skin-tight, low-rise black pants tucked into knee-high black boots, covered with multiple shiny buckles. This was topped by a low-cut, form-fitting black shirt that barely skimmed the waist of the pants. The sides of her head were newly shorn and her Mohawk was pulled back into a ponytail.

"Well, this is as good as it gets, Shepard. I'm not wearing any pansy-ass uniform like the rest of you," she sneered. "The only reason I came to this thing is because my kids made me. They want to see me on the vids."

"Yeah, but I'm not sure the rest of the galaxy is ready for that," Joker teased. Jack snarled and made as if she were going to lunge at him, but drew up short when she saw Hope in his arms. "Hey, the ankle-biter's getting big!" The baby gaped at her in wonder. She seemed to have a fascination with Jack and her tattoos, which made Joker just a little bit concerned for the future.

"It's show time! Let's go!" They followed the event coordinator down a path that approached the stage from the rear, out of sight of the crowd, with Joker and Shepard bringing up the rear. As they climbed the steps of the riser and emerged onto the platform, Joker gawked in astonishment at the gathering before them. Spectators were packed tightly into the square - around the meticulously landscaped bushes and flowers, and on top of the various benches and retaining walls. Even more overflowed around the edges, their views obstructed by the memorial itself. There were people as far as the eye could see.

"Holy shit," he breathed as they claimed their seats in the front row of the assembly. The chairs were arranged perpendicular to the front of the stage, but he couldn't avoid shooting frequent sideways glances at the masses. He didn't think that he'd ever seen so many people gathered in one place, at one time, before today.

There were onlookers gathered off-stage, on the far side, and Joker spotted Ashley, Sabrina, Camille and Lance among them. Ashley refused to meet his eye, but Sabrina held his gaze and winked, and he smiled at her. Next to her stood a tall, handsome man holding a tow-headed toddler, and he guessed that they were her husband and son. He wondered if Shepard had arranged special access for all of them. As the guest of honor, he knew that she'd been able to pull quite a few strings.

A hush fell across the gathering as Admiral Hackett made his way to the podium at the center of the stage. He paused for a moment, gazing out over the crowd, before he spoke.

"We're here today to honor the sacrifices of the valiant men and women of the Alliance. Every name etched into these walls represents a heroic life lost in the line of duty. We owe humanity's continued existence to their bravery and courage.

At the forefront of these selfless soldiers was the crew of the SSV Normandy. For years, they battled the Reaper threat while their warnings went unheeded and their valor went unrecognized. The Normandy's crew hailed from all corners of the galaxy, united by a common goal – to protect all organic life from the sentient machines who sought to destroy it. They were human, turian, asari, quarian, krogan, salarian, and drell, and we are here today to ensure that their contributions do not go unnoted."

Hackett began by announcing the names of the non-human crew – Liara, Tali, Wrex, and Grunt - as they stood in turn and were acknowledged by the applause of the crowd and their teammates. This was followed by the awarding of medals to the human crew, who approached the podium in succession. There was a moment of comedic relief when Hackett looked stymied by where to place Jack's medal, and then Joker's name was being called. He handed Hope to Shepard and heard the infant begin to fuss as he moved toward center stage. He flushed with pride as Hackett pinned the medal to his uniform, and he saw the sincerity in the older man's eyes as he straightened and said, "Congratulations, Lieutenant. The Alliance appreciates your service."

"Thank you, sir," he replied as he saluted smartly. He shuffled back to his seat as the applause washed over him. Shepard met his gaze, and the joy and admiration he saw there filled him with satisfaction. The public acknowledgment was nice, but all he'd ever wanted was to make her proud. When he was once again beside her, she reached out and gently pressed her hand to the spot where the Star covered his heart. Hope stretched her scrawny arms out, and when he took possession of her, she grabbed immediately for the shiny award.

"Hey, that's daddy's medal," he whispered into her hair. "Get your own." She looked up at him and frowned with such intensity that he couldn't suppress a chuckle. He recognized that particular look of displeasure as pure Shepard.

The din of the crowd diminished as Hackett once again approached the podium. "Today, it is my honor to award the exclusive Platinum Star, for bravery far above and beyond the call of duty, to Commander Samantha Shepard. Commander Shepard overcame a turbulent upbringing to distinguish herself as the sole survivor of a thresher maw attack on Akuze, the first human Spectre, the savior of the Council and the Citadel during the initial Reaper attack, and the soldier who very nearly sacrificed her life to ensure that the Crucible would succeed during the final battle. She exemplifies the best that the Alliance and humanity have to offer. Commander Shepard, will you step forward, please?"

Shepard rose and strode across the stage to thunderous applause from the audience and her squad. Hackett pinned the medal to her uniform and she saluted, then took his place at center stage. The ovation continued, undiminished, until Joker saw her composure begin to slip. Finally, the gathering quieted, and she cleared her throat before addressing them.

"Thank you for that welcome. I know that many of you here today have friends or family whose names are on these walls. They were children and siblings, spouses and parents...and they were heroes whose loss will always be felt, and who will never be forgotten."

Another swell of applause greeted this, and Shepard waited patiently for it to die down. Joker noticed her hand at her side, hidden by the podium, and realized that she had put Garrus' visor in her pocket. It was only half-concealed, and as she spoke, she rubbed it like a talisman.

"The names on this wall in front of me, and the people on this stage today, are also heroes. They're more than my crew – they're my friends. We lived, laughed and fought together for years. They believed in me when no one else did. They taught me the meaning of the words courage, and honor, and family. It's easy to be a great leader when you have a great team. And my squad is the very best.

So, while I appreciate this recognition, I'm here today to honor them – the living and the dead, the men and the women of the SSV Normandy, with whom it was my great privilege to serve. I respect and admire each and every one of you, more than you'll ever know."

Joker wasn't sure who rose first – he thought maybe it was James – but the rest followed quickly, and soon, they were all standing and saluting their commander. He stood there with his daughter cradled in his left arm, his right hand pressed to his forehead, and gooseflesh crawling over every inch of his skin. Tears pricked at his eyes. The crowd roared in approval as Shepard turned to her crew, blinking back her own tears, and returned the salute. Hope grabbed at his hand, trying to pull it down, and he saw Shepard notice and grin through her tears. After a long moment, she turned to the front, saluting the memorial wall, and the rest of them followed suit. They stood, remembering their fallen comrades, as the unrelenting appreciation of the gathering poured over them. Suddenly, the heavy clouds broke and a soft snow began to fall. And for the first time, it felt to Joker like the war was truly over.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_Well, placing that "complete" tag on this story is bittersweet, indeed. __I want to say a huge, heartfelt "thank you" to each and every one of you who have read, reviewed, and invested your time in this story, but special thanks go out to - HopeLearningSerenity, my wonderful friend and beta who has now read 40 chapters more Shoker than she ever wanted to, even after I killed off her true love, Garrus; Harl0w, who offers her unflagging support and boundless enthusiasm when I need it the most; and jay8008, who graciously shares the male POV and has taught me that whenever you're stuck for ideas, just insert a good gunfight. _

_I get a lot of reviews/PMs that say "I don't usually read Shoker, but I like your story!" This makes me very happy, because I aim to spread the Joker love around (wait, that just sounds...wrong.) Shoker is an extremely under-represented genre, but there IS good stuff out there - you just have to search. Two of my faves are "A Star to Steer Her By" by ShadesOfMauve, and "Quotable Moments" by ice princess deluxe. Check 'em out, if you haven't already. _

_For those of you who aren't yet tired of Sam and Jeff (if you exist,) my immediate plan is to write some oneshots, based on LJ prompts, that fill in some of the gaps in their saga, particularly from Shepard's POV. I also have a concept for a sequel, tentatively titled "Last Stand", that's currently in progress. So, if you're interested, keep an eye out! Thanks again for reading! Jacks - XOXOXO_


End file.
